President Obama called an emergency cabinet meeting today and news of the gathering has been leaked to the press. A photocopy of the minutes of the meeting became available shortly after adjournment.
The president called the emergency meeting to express grave concerns over his declining pole numbers. He was puzzled by his decreasing support particularly among his base.
Hilary Clinton arrived early to make coffee and fill the water glasses. Her first comments were cream or sugar?
Before the meeting officially began, Obama invited a preacher to say an opening prayer. GOD DAMN AMERICA, he prayed and repeated the oath three times. He continued by expressing the fervent hope that the government would give him and people like him some more money. Times is hard down in the ‘hood he said and we can use alla dat green stuff we can git our hands on. Da price a weed, I mean milk and bread of course, is goin’ up somethin’ drastic. He next accused Obama of being an Uncle Tom racist and prayed God would bring him back into the fold. Yessa, back into the fold. Amen, Amen, I say, back into the fold, Amen.
The president said “Amen and back off jackass.” He then asked for suggestions on how he could improve his poll numbers.
The CIA said start a war. The American people always rise to the occasion and support their presidents when they start wars.
The president liked the idea but was skeptical. He didn’t know where he could start one.
How about invading Antarctica said the CIA. That should be a job you can handle.
The president was still skeptical. Don’t we need some evidence before we start a war?
Not a problem said the CIA. We make stuff up all the time. That’s what we’re here for.
Still skeptical the president asked why we should invade Antarctica?
The CIA said to prevent the spread of penguin terrorism.
I didn’t know the penguins had terrorists said the president.
Either do we said the CIA. But why take a chance?
The president was in full agreement and said he should make an address to the nation before the invasion begins. The president showed some real excitement. He really likes making speeches to the nation.
The president than asked the cabinet members for suggestions about a day to make his address.
Not Sunday or Monday nights said the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Ya know, football games. And not Tuesday. Ya know, American Idol. And certainly not Friday or Saturday. Like that’s the weekend. Ya know TGIF
Hilary said she wasn’t available Thursdays. That caused some whispers.
The president said he can’t make it on Wednesday’s because that’s the night he plays checkers and he just entered a tournament
Then the president said he wanted everybody to vote on a day in secret. He gave little pieces of paper to Kathleen Sebelius and told her to pass them out. (The president is a strong supporter of equal rights for women but only the women get to perform menial tasks around the White House. He firmly believes that’s an honor). He told everyone to write down the day they thought he should make the speech. When they were finished, Kathleen collected all the little pieces of paper and counted the votes. It was unanimous. Wednesdsay night. Oh, poopy, said the president.
The CIA urged the president to proceed immediately.
What’s the big rush? the president asked
The CIA said Antarctica is melting and we need to invade before it disappears and all the penguins drown.
The Army Chief of Staff also urged the president to act swiftly. Penguins don’t share our Judeo-Christian values he said. After the females lay the eggs, sometimes the males have to sit on them before they hatch. That’s a very dangerous idea. We can’t allow such evil ideology to infiltrate the thinking of this country and corrupt our kids.
Secretary of Defense Gates repeated what his father always told him about penguins. Never turn your back on a penguin. Can’t trust the bloody little things.
The president ended the meeting by saying I dunno. I never met a penguin I didn’t like.