Archive for December, 2010

December 27, 2010

Palin Vows Use of Wooden Pencils

According to a report, Sarah Palin has said that to save trees and help the environment she would prefer to use a mechanical pencil. However, she has been unable to master the complexity of the device.

Sources reported that Palin had trouble tabulating results on election night because the lead in her mechanical pencil kept breaking.

The former Alaska governor blamed her difficulties on the complicated instructions that accompanied the pencil.  Palin said she was unable to correct the problem herself because she doesn’t know anything about machinery and has never been mechanically inclined.

The spokesperson said Ms. Palin has reverted to the use of less complicated wooden pencils and has vowed to use one during the next election.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

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December 27, 2010

Obama Quits Smoking

It’s been at least two years since Obama’s been smokin’.  Oh, you mean cigarettes

In that case, I recommend the patch.

The really nice thing about the patch is when you’re finished with it you can roll it up and smoke it.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

December 26, 2010

Obama, CEOs Discuss Jobs

Obama and the CEOs of major global corporations meet to discuss plans that would spur job creation in the US economy.

Barack Obama held a meeting today with CEOs of major corporations. The foremost topic on the agenda was job creation by ending the 40 hour work week and increasing it to 48 hours.  CEOs hailed the measure as a genuine attempt by the administration to seek a more harmonious relationship with the business community.

Obama demanded that overtime pay be required for hours worked beyond the 48 hour limit. However, in a compromise worked out with CEOs, Obama agreed that overtime pay should be optional. He also agreed that work hours should not be limited to 48 if more were required by corporations to meet the challenges in a global economy. When the question of overtime pay was raised Obama agreed again that it should be optional.

CEOs stated that future wages for labor should be determined only after senior executives divvied up profits among themselves.  They also advocated the elimination of the minimum wage since it represented government interference in the business community.  Obama opposed the immediate elimination of the minimum wage stating that it should be reduced slowly over a period of five years. In an effort to reach an agreement however Obama acceded to the CEOs demand that the minimum wage be eliminated on Monday.

Obama also agreed that the age limit for work be reduced to 10 years of age. The president demanded however that children be paid at least two dollars an hour. When CEOs objected saying the idea amounted to government interference in the operation of their businesses another compromise was worked out in which Obama agreed that wages for children should be optional.

The president brought up the subject of giving kids an ice cream cone after a twelve hour workday. The CEOs rejected the idea complaining that they were being forced to submit to government regulation. They promised however to reconsider the suggestion again in a year or two.

The meeting was adjourned with both sides agreeing to a prepared statement that the new work rules would make America competitive with Asian nations and induce corporate investment in the US economy. Obama hailed the outcome of the meeting as the greatest job creating venture since slavery.

December 26, 2010

St. Paul-A Real Drag

St. Paul showed up at my house last night.  Appeared outta nowhere.  Yeah, that’s right, St. Paul, the guy from The Bible.  Ya think I’m kidding?  You can’t make this stuff up!

Shows up without an invitation like always.  Not even a letter to tell me he’s coming.

As usual, he’s looking for a handout.  Ya know, meals and a bed for three weeks while he does his preaching thing and writes some letters.

He makes a little off the preaching but the letter thing is going nowhere.

Says he has to see a healer.  Seems he fell off his ass in Syria a few years back and he keeps getting headaches.  I told him he should talk to Jesus.  They’re good buddies.  He says Jesus is busy on Patmos trying to help some guy named John who’s having nightmares.  Keeps calling them revelations.  What a nut case.

So ya think Paul has insurance to pay for his headaches?  Of course not, let somebody else pay.  What does he care?  Had to get some Gnostic spirit charmer up out of bed.  So it’s an emergency visit and I get stuck with the bill.  A hundred sesterses for a sleeping mixture.  God knows what’s in it.  I could give him a skin full of wine for half a shekel.  Not good enough for him.

Listen, Bubba, you may be a saint from heaven but being a saint doesn’t cut it around here anymore.  That won’t get you a vanilla bean frappacino in a Thessalonian coffee shop.  And this guy wants a full breakfast at 5 AM.  He should get on his ass and go to an all night camel stop.

He tells me he’s very upset with the Romans.  Doesn’t approve of their lifestyle. Has to straighten them out.  Wants to write another letter.  Says he’d go there but his ass is getting a little old for that sort of thing.

I told him I was in Rome a while ago.  Nice place.  Good food, good wine and such women you wouldn’t believe.  He gets another headache.  Says he’s gotta write that letter.  Always with the letters.

Forget the letters already.  When in Rome do as the Romans do.

The Conversion of Saul
Artist Michelangelo
Year circa 1542-1545
Type Fresco
Dimensions 625 cm × 661 cm (246 in × 260 in)
Location Cappella PaolinaVatican Palace,


December 26, 2010

Obama Calls Emergency Cabinet Meeting

President Obama called an emergency cabinet meeting today and news of the gathering has been leaked to the press. A photocopy of the minutes of the meeting became available shortly after adjournment.

The president called the emergency meeting to express grave concerns over his declining pole numbers. He was puzzled by his decreasing support particularly among his base.

Hilary Clinton arrived early to make coffee and fill the water glasses. Her first comments were cream or sugar?

Before the meeting officially began, Obama invited a preacher to say an opening prayer. GOD DAMN AMERICA, he prayed and repeated the oath three times. He continued by expressing the fervent hope that the government would give him and people like him some more money. Times is hard down in the ‘hood he said and we can use alla dat green stuff we can git our hands on. Da price a weed, I mean milk and bread of course, is goin’ up somethin’ drastic. He next accused Obama of being an Uncle Tom racist and prayed God would bring him back into the fold. Yessa, back into the fold. Amen, Amen, I say, back into the fold, Amen.

The president said “Amen and back off jackass.”  He then asked for suggestions on how he could improve his poll numbers.

The CIA said start a war. The American people always rise to the occasion and support their presidents when they start wars.

The president liked the idea but was skeptical. He didn’t know where he could start one.

How about invading Antarctica said the CIA. That should be a job you can handle.

The president was still skeptical. Don’t we need some evidence before we start a war?

Not a problem said the CIA. We make stuff up all the time. That’s what we’re here for.

Still skeptical the president asked why we should invade Antarctica?

The CIA said to prevent the spread of penguin terrorism.

I didn’t know the penguins had terrorists said the president.

Either do we said the CIA. But why take a chance?

The president was in full agreement and said he should make an address to the nation before the invasion begins. The president showed some real excitement. He really likes making speeches to the nation.

The president than asked the cabinet members for suggestions about a day to make his address.

Not Sunday or Monday nights said the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Ya know, football games. And not Tuesday. Ya know, American Idol. And certainly not Friday or Saturday. Like that’s the weekend. Ya know TGIF

Hilary said she wasn’t available Thursdays. That caused some whispers.

The president said he can’t make it on Wednesday’s because that’s the night he plays checkers and he just entered a tournament

Then the president said he wanted everybody to vote on a day in secret. He gave little pieces of paper to Kathleen Sebelius and told her to pass them out. (The president is a strong supporter of equal rights for women but only the women get to perform menial tasks around the White House. He firmly believes that’s an honor). He told everyone to write down the day they thought he should make the speech. When they were finished, Kathleen collected all the little pieces of paper and counted the votes. It was unanimous. Wednesdsay night. Oh, poopy, said the president.

The CIA urged the president to proceed immediately.

What’s the big rush? the president asked

The CIA said Antarctica is melting and we need to invade before it disappears and all the penguins drown.

The Army Chief of Staff also urged the president to act swiftly. Penguins don’t share our Judeo-Christian values he said. After the females lay the eggs, sometimes the males have to sit on them before they hatch. That’s a very dangerous idea. We can’t allow such evil ideology to infiltrate the thinking of this country and corrupt our kids.

Secretary of Defense Gates repeated what his father always told him about penguins. Never turn your back on a penguin. Can’t trust the bloody little things.

The president ended the meeting by saying I dunno. I never met a penguin I didn’t like.

December 26, 2010

The Right To Bear Arms-Any Arms

The Second Amendment has been in the news a lot lately and I’ve been thinking about it. You know the part that says “the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed”. Well, it doesn’t say just handguns and assault rifles. It says arms. That’s everything! So if Bill Gates wanted to buy an aircraft carrier, his right to own one is protected by the Second Amendment. And if he wanted to take his boat out for a cruise, it’s A-OK. One thing for sure, though, he wouldn’t have to worry about Somali pirates attacking during a dinner party.

Suppose you could afford a missile with an atomic warhead on top. Yep. That’s right. Protected by the Second Amendment. Got a loud-mouthed neighbor whose dog dookies on your front lawn, not a problem. Launch a retaliatory strike. That’ll shut him up. No more dog problem either.

Let’s suppose you want to buy a used tank. Still OK. So it might be a little expensive. But if you catch a sale, you know, 0% interest, no money down, 10 years to pay, it would be affordable. Lot’s of people would want to own one.

Think of the stimulus to the economy it would be. Hundreds of used tank lots across the country, thousands of jobs for used tank salesman. It would do more good than “cash for clunkers”. And after the government sells all those tanks it doesn’t use anymore, the deficit would disappear.

Now think about this. You could start a tank club. Call it the Sherman Tank Club or the Patton Tank Club or the Fifty Second Street Gangbangers Tank Club. Even the Napoleon Tank Club. Now everybody knows Napoleon never had a tank. But he did start a lot of wars that killed a lot of people. That should qualify him to get a tank club named in his honor. How about naming one after Alexander the Great or Julius Caesar. How does the Attila the Hun Tank Club sound. The possibilities are unlimited. Just pick your very favorite bloodthirsty warmonger and name your club after him.

Then you could go down to the quarry on Sunday afternoons, launch a few shells into the rock piles, have tailgate parties, get drunk, shoot each other, you know, some good old-fashioned male bonding.

And the really cool thing about it is, it’s all protected by the Second Amendment

December 26, 2010

Hope and Change in the Bible

Hope and Change are ancient desires seldom fulfilled.  Western Civilization has been in existence for thousands of years but we have to wait for the next election.

www.smirkingchimp.com

December 26, 2010

God Makes a Mistake

40 Percent Of Americans Still Believe In Creationism

God should have quit while he was ahead and stopped at the monkeys. But, no, He had to keep screwing around. 

Now look at the mess we’re in.

Moreover the monkey community has been gripped by fear and hysteria ever since they learned they could evolve into Sarah Palin-like creatures. 

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

December 26, 2010

Obama’s Faustian Bargain

Warning!!!  I’ve tried to make a serious and informative comment in this post considering the proposition that everyone is entitled to my opinion.  It really is serious so you might as well skip it.

Tax Cut Bill Signed By Obama Packed With Obscure Stocking Stuffers For Businesses


On average the majority of working people received a very small tax cut. It is true all of our paychecks would have been smaller had the cuts not been extended. But what better way to save and create jobs than by increasing revenue and government activity.Tax cuts don’t create jobs. Only investment in plant and equipment will do that. The Bush tax cuts were the largest in history. If tax cuts create jobs, where are all the jobs? I think we know the answer to that question.

Einstein once said that to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome is insanity. The reasonable expectatio­n from these latest supply side cuts has to be there will be little or no job creation. To think otherwise validates Einstein’s comment.

Moreover, the payroll tax cut is very likely a Trojan horse that working men and women will pay for many times over. It represents another Obama sneak attack on Social Security which this president is determined to cut.

Small businesses can indeed be a job creation engine. But let’s be realistic. Small business cannot create nearly the number of jobs needed to reverse the decline in the US economy. And many of those jobs are in the service and retail industries and of the the minimum wage, no benefit variety. So while tax cuts for small business are useful, they will not recharge the economy.
The amateur Machiavell­is in the White House and Congress are hatching plots to further diminish the prosperity of the average worker. Obama agreed to the extension of the cuts into 2012 knowing that the likelihood they will be made permanent is near certain. In exchange he got a thirteen month extension in unemployme­nt benefits for those who are eligible. Why not two years for a stimulus program that is far better than tax cuts??? Obama, for a reason, will allow UI benefits to expire in about a year.

What is that reason? Part of Obama’s Faustian bargain with the GOP was to exchange permanent tax cuts and end UI benefits along with Social Security cuts not yet announced for shaking loose a few Republican votes on START and DADT and ending the Republican blockade on judicial nomination­s.

The millionair­e media has hailed the deal as a success for Obama and proclaimed the outcome the president’­s Renaissanc­e. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

We’ve been had big time yet again. And for this Faustian bargain, the workers of this country will pay dearly for decades to come.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Posted by John Jacob Sardo at 12:49
December 24, 2010

The Schmuckup Award

The Nobella Committee will be announcing future awards to the most deserving personalities who roam the treacherous DC savanna.  The award is open to nominees from the fields of politics, the media and entertainment or just about any other endeavor and is by no means limited to the badlands of our nation’s capital.

The awards will be announced periodically by the Nobella Pizza Prize Committee whose hideout is located in Pasta Fagioli, Italy, a resort village nestled deep in the Italian Alps.


December 24, 2010

Obama Needs a Job

Barack Obama Exploring Job Opportunities.

The Chirping Shrimp says Barack Obama has been giving a lot of thought lately about what he will do when he is no longer president. 

He’s been thinking about it because he’s pretty sure he will lose the election in 2012 and he only has two years to prepare himself to enter a job market with no jobs.

He doesn’t have a lot of experience so his resume is looking kind of threadbare.  Most of his recent experience has no practical application to real world situations.  Oh, sure he’s been running some country for a while but he botched that job so badly he expects to get crushed in the next election.  So he should probably remove that entry from his resume.  Before that he was just another mediocre senator in a body composed mostly of corrupt, lazy, rich people.  No help there.  And before that, well, that was so long ago nobody really cares.

He could call on the Wall Street banksters he bailed out to the tune of nearly a trillion taxpayer dollars.  But then he went and upset them by passing some lame reform bill.  So scratch that possibility.

He always liked Star Trek so he talked to NASA about a job, ya know the vision thing.  But he hasn’t really been giving them all the money they’ve asked for.  So they told him with the budget so tight they really didn’t have anything to offer.  Oh wait.  There was this one thing.  The agency is looking for a ruler for Mars.  No place is too far away to tuck this guy.  They would call Obama the Mars Czar.  He actually liked the idea of running a whole planet until he realized he couldn’t come home on weekends.  Also, there was no Camp David on Mars.  And not even one single golf course.

Oh well, he could always send Michelle out to work and be a stay at home Dad.

Also in the news, in recent discussions with the Republican leadership, Obama is said to have asked for an extension of unemployment benefits through 2013.
December 24, 2010

The Nobella Pizza Prize

Friday, December 24, 2010

 

The Nobella Pizza Prize

‘Tis the season for awarding prizes.  One of the most renowned was just announced. 

The Nobella Pizza Prize committee released the name of this year’s winner from its offices in Pasta Fagioli, Italy.  The award amounted to $1,100,000 and was given to Sabato Parmagiano, head of the Parmagiamo family of Palermo, Sicily.

The award is named after Vito Nobella, former head of the Ricotta family, who died in 1896.  Mr. Nobella said of the prize, “You move a da money around a lilla bita and everybody gets a to be a big a cheese.  Eh.”

Today marks the first time in twenty four years that the prize has been awarded.  During that time the committee’s decisions were contested by two Sicilian families and the Nobella group was forced to withdraw the award.

The disagreement dates back to December 24th, 1986 when the Parmagiano family first brought its complaint before the committee.  That day became known as the Christmas Eve massacre.

The complaint alleged the Gorgonzola family of Salerno, Sicily was given favors by some committee members.  One member in particular, Pasquale Gorgonzola, was singled out for voting consistently in favor of the family from Salerno before he ever tasted the pizza.

Because of the dispute the Nobella Prize Committee was forced to relocate its hideout to its present site at Pasta Fagioli, a village deep in the Italian Alps.

A truce was recently arranged between the two families that will allow the committee to award the pizza prize each year as in the past.  The pact stipulated that capos should not be permitted to serve on the committee and that the two families will each win the prize in alternating years.

“Attsa too nize a,” said committee spokesperson Angelo “Stiletto” Mozzarella.  “No more bloodshed.”

“Luckily,” Mr. Mozzarella continued, “all those who gotta demselves killed during the disagreement gotta to see a priest before they died.”

Homemade Pepperoni Pizza-Sicilian style of course.

File:Pepperoni pizza.jpg

December 22, 2010

Obama’s Chief Negotiator?????

Could this be the man who negotiated the tax cut deal for Obama?  Have another cup of Jack, Daniel.  Oh, sorry, that’s David, isn’t it?  Well,we’re all friends here, right David.

December 21, 2010

Vanilla Bean Frappuccino

One of St. Paul’s favorite treats was a vanilla bean frappuccino made from a recipe he stole from a Thessalonian coffee shop. It’s in the Bible.