Adam and Eve-The Real Story

We’ve all read or heard the story of Adam and Eve. But the story you know isn’t the real story. The verses below are translated from the ancient Rasaphrat which was translated from the ancient Greek by a Rasaphrite monk who, sad to say, had three eyes. It is his translation that survives and his work has become known as the New Rasaphramian Version (NRV) of The Bible. I have translated this diligent scribe’s painstaking efforts into English. Read and ye shall know the truth. Here are the sacred words of Rasaphram the Monk as translated into English by the Chirping Shrimp.

One day God created Adam out of dust or dirt or clay or maybe something else, it doesn’t matter, who cares anyway. All that matters is that one day there was this guy and God called him Adam.

Adam wakes up from a stupor and he doesn’t know from anything. He looks around and he sees God and he says, “Who the hell are you?”

So God says “I’m God, who do you think I am.”

Then Adam says “That’s supposed to mean something?

Now God gets upset. He looks up at the sky and says “I think I made a mistake. It must have been in the dirt. I shoulda used maybe a little water.”

So who am I and where am I and what am I doing here?” Adam asked.

Impatient and curious. I guess I can live with that,” God said. “You’re Adam and you’re the first man. Satisfied?”

So what is this place I’m in, with the trees and the leaves and the plants, I could get allergies ya know. And all these little animals staring at me? I gotta put up with this?”

Oh, so you do know something. The brain works after all. I was a little worried about that. This place you’re in, it’s the Garden of Eden. Enjoy. Look, kid, I gotta go. I’m busy. I’ve got things to do. Take a look around. Ya like what ya see, stick around.  It’s yours.”

So Adam stuck around, got himself a pet poodle, played with the dinosaurs and observed everything he could in the Garden of Eden. And believe me, there were some very strange goings on he observed.

Some of those strange goings he didn’t quite understand. But he knew he wasn’t able to join in with those very strange goings on.

And one day Adam couldn’t stand not being able to have some of his very own strange goings on. He called God.

Where the hell ya been,” Adam said. “I’ve been looking for ya.”

You shouldn’t curse in the presence of God,” God admonished.

OK, OK, no cursing,” Adam said. “I need a favor already. I’m a little lonely. Everybody in here has a friend. I’ve got a poodle and a couple of dinosaurs. You couldn’t give me a friend?”

You’re sure you want a friend? It could change things a little. And there’s no turning back,” God warned him.

Yes, yes. I’m sure. Get on with it.”

All right already. Don’t be such a grouch. You want a friend I’ll give you a friend. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

So God put Adam to sleep and he took his gall bladder so he should never get stones and he made woman. And he called the woman Eve, who very soon was to become the mother of all people. Figure that one out. But that’s another story.

Well, let me tell you it didn’t take those two very long to learn about all those very strange goings on.

Every day, day in and day out, morning, noon and night. Such goings on. It was a scandal.

Then, one day God went for a walk in the Garden of Eden. And right there behind a bush, there they were. On the ground, one with the knees bent up, the other pumping up and down, up and down. Right there, in front of God no less.

So God says, “I can’t leave you two alone. I turn my back for a minute and you do this. You’ll pay for this. Mark my words. Now you can never eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. I’m warning you.”

Who cares,” Eve says. “I can’t even say it. Cut us some slack already. This is the Garden of Eden. You gave it to us, remember. Whose fault is that?”

So God walked away shaking his head and muttered “Bitch.”

Now Eve goes to the tree and stares at it, day after day. Looks pretty good to her. But she never took a piece of the fruit. Some say it was an apple, coulda been a peach. Doesn’t matter.

Then this snake comes. Nobody knows how it got there. Coulda walked, coulda flew, doesn’t matter.

But this snake is different. This snake talks. Yep, that’s right a talking snake and it tells Eve to eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge and she’ll become God. Not to be picky or anything, but it sounds like a pretty good deal. So she picks a pear from the tree (coulda been a pear, who knows) and takes a bite. Nothing happens and she gets mad. God sees it all, tells the snake he has to crawl on his belly from now on He and gets mad at Eve. So the snake slithers away (no more walking or flying) and Eve runs like a bat outta hell to find Adam.

Adam, Adam, I ate the fruit and now I’m God,” she says. “Take a bite and you’ll be God too.”

But Adam hesitated. He really didn’t want to eat the forbidden fruit because, let’s face it, he didn’t know what the hell it was either.

Let me think about this for a while,” he said.

Then Eve got really mad and said “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll eat this goddamned thing before I shove it down your throat.”

So Adam ate because he knew what was good for him. God sees it, throws them out of the Garden; they have to put on some clothes because now they know their naked, but first they gotta kill something to get skins to make the clothes and then their on their own. Now Adam has to get up every morning, go to work, pay the bills and Eve has all those kids she has to take care of. All because of some lousy piece of fruit that nobody even knows what it was.

But don’t feel too sorry for Adam. Look on the bright side. Eve put pockets in his clothes and now he has a place to keep his hanky.

And that’s the real story of Adam and Eve as translated from the Greek by a three-eyed monk from the ancient tribe of the Rasaphrites.

Oh, yeah. I translated into English from ancient Rasaphramian, a language prominent among a lost Middle Eastern tribe called the Rasaphrites whose descendants traced their lineage to the last of the Neanderthal clans.

I’ve always wondered if it didn’t lose a little something in the translation.


Expulsion from the Garden of Eden

File:Natoire - Adam et Eve chassés du Paradis terrestre.jpg

Artist
Charles-Joseph Natoire (1700–1777) Link back to Creator infobox template
Title
Français : Adam et Ève chassés du Paradis terrestre
Date 1740
Medium Oil on canvas
Museum Metropolitan Museum of Art, NY


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