Archive for January 10th, 2011

January 10, 2011

Fox News’ Black Hole

Andy Borowitz comments on the black hole Fox News would become if it had to limit angry rhetoric.

Fox host Glenn Beck took the news of a possible programming change in stride: “If I’m kicked off the air, I’ll return to my first love: standing in the back of crowded theaters and yelling, ‘Fire.’”

In other cable news developments, CNN confirmed that it was considering dropping Kathleen Parker from its “Parker Spitzer” program, but said it had balked at Elliot Spitzer’s suggestion of “a different woman every night.”

You gotta read Andy Borowitz.  He’s hit Washington DC with some of the funniest jokes since Barack Obama appointed Bill Daley chief of staff.  Oh, sorry, that’s not a joke.

Get the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox for free andy@borowitzreport.com

The Los Angeles Times says Andy Borowitz has “one of the funniest Twitter feeds around.”  Follow Andy on Twitter:

follow @BorowitzReport.

January 10, 2011

Converting Gays to Straights in the Army

Joe Rehyansky: Allow Lesbians To Serve In Order To Give ‘Straight Male GIs A Fair Shot At Converting’ Them

If we gave straight female soldiers a fair shot at converting males, half the military would claim to be gay.

Could lead to a new form of post traumatic stress syndrome for the ladies in uniform:  “Been trying to convert this guy for three months.  I’m worn out and he still claims he’s gay.”

Brings to mind a whole new take on Mae West’s old line:  Why don’t you come up and let me convert you sometime.  And I’m not talkin’ about religion, big boy.

Joe Rehyansky: Allow Lesbians To Serve In Order To Give ‘Straight Male GIs A Fair Shot At Converting’ Them

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

If it catches on that straight soldiers should make every effort to convert lesbians things could get out of hand.

What if the gay ladies begin to complain about advances by straight soldiers?  In that case here is a soldier’s manifesto:

  1. I studied it in basic training.
  2. My sergeant said it was OK.
  3. Hey, I was just doing my duty.
  4. It’s in the Army Training Manual; Homosexual Conversion Techniques; Chapter One, Page One
  5. Sorry, but I didn’t know she was straight.
  6. Nobody told me lesbians could get pregnant.
  7. If I volunteer to go to Iraq will I get 72 lesbians.
  8. Some of my best friends are, ya know, lesbians.

Not anymore soldier.

Not sure what the intent of this painting is but it is was painted in 1594, is suggestive and the artist seems to have preferred to remain anonymous.

Portrait présumé de Gabrielle d’Estrées et de sa soeur la duchesse de Villars
Artist Unknown author
Year circa 1594
Dimensions 96 cm × 125 cm (38 in × 49 in)
Location Louvre