First Amendment Unconstitutional

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A former state employee denied the right to bargain collectively. Shortly after this photo was taken a SWAT team arrested the crowd for illegal assembly. A spokesperson for Governor Scott Walker stated the police were merely enforcing a Supreme Court ruling that declared peaceable assembly unlawful.

Utterly Uncensored Press Feb. 20, 2011.

Breaking news from UUP. The Supreme Court today declared the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights unconstitutional. In a 5-4 decision the Court reasoned that the amendment keeps getting in the way of rich people who want to make more money.

Free speech, the Court declared, has promoted political positions that are in direct conflict with the right of the rich to accumulate wealth.

As for the right to assemble peaceably, the majority stated, it has been a constant thorn in the side of wealthy individuals who innocently seek to enhance profit for themselves and their rich stockholders. The majority in the 5-4 decision criticized the fact that maximum wealth accumulation has been brazenly stymied by protest actions and union picketing so these and similar activities will no longer be tolerated nor recognized as a right.

In its decision declaring the amendment unconstitutional, the Court agreed that Congress should refrain from making laws respecting the establishment of religion but insisted that such restraint be applied only to Christianity. The Court based its decision on the long established belief that the Founding Fathers intended the Christian religion to predominate in a freedom loving America. Moreover, the Court curbed government authority to protect religious freedom extending it only to Christian sects that promote self-reliance and individual responsibility as the primary paths to prosperity while shunning charity as an incentive to sloth and degradation – except of course for contributions to the church itself.

As for the right to petition government for redress of grievances the majority insisted that right has been a bunch of crap from day one and for all practical purposes has been ignored in all cases except where baksheesh has exchanged hands. The ability to redress government therefore has been withdrawn as a basic human right.

In another development, the UUP news organization has learned that the Supreme Court will declare the Social Security Trust Fund unconstitutional. In a brief released by an unidentified member of the Court, the justices stated that it is unlawful for government to issue government bonds to another government agency.

Under the circumstances, UUP reported that actuaries for the newly formed Republican Independent Press have forecast a 250 gazillion dollar shortfall in the Social Security Fund by Monday.

According to an RIP source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, in an emergency meeting convened by members of the GOP Congressional leadership and the White House the two parties reached an agreement in accordance with the Court’s decision that will eliminate the nearly 3 trillion dollars in United States Government Bonds the trust fund now owns. As part of a compromise, the two sides agreed to end the payroll tax for all persons earning more than $250,000 a year. Both sides were convinced the tax cut for the rich would stimulate the economy and increase employment. Also on the plus side, reneging on the promise to pay the bonds owed by the government to Social Security will help reduce the deficit and partially offset the revenue shortfall expected from the payroll tax cut for the rich.

Other emergency measures arising from the meeting between President Obama and negotiators for the GOP included another compromise. This one would eliminate all taxes for the wealthiest 10% of Americans. In addition to the payroll tax cut, other taxes slated for elimination include the income and estate taxes as well as all taxes on investment and capital gains.

To offset these revenue losses Obama agreed to a 350 percent increase in the payroll tax for all workers earning less the $250,000 and an increase in the retirement age to 267 years. Those persons currently slated to retire in 2012 can now look forward to their golden years in 2212. All retirees now receiving Social Security checks will continue to collect their benefits until Obama is reelected. After the 2012 elections, however, nobody in Washington really gives a shit what happens.

Also agreed was that since Washington can no longer issue bonds to the Social Security Trust Fund, payroll deductions will now be channeled through a pipeline straight to Wall Street for investment in derivatives such as CDOs and CDSs. The Congressional retirement plan would not be affected.

As a part of the bargain, Republicans promised to call their rich benefactors to see if they might want to start hiring more American workers. However, they warned the president that an increase in hiring is unlikely because the minimum wage now in place is a disincentive to add to the workforce.

In yet another compromise hammered out by negotiators, Obama agreed to consider reducing the minimum wage over a period of time. The agreement reached now calls for ending minimum wage on Monday.

In return for the concessions on the part of the president it was agreed that Obama would get a milkshake after the meeting. However, the motion was tabled when a dispute arose over who would pay for the milkshake and whether Obama should be allowed to chose the flavor. The issue was placed on the agenda for the next meeting.

In a statement released after the meeting, Obama praised the new tax cut policy as the greatest job creation venture since slavery.

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