Archive for March, 2011

March 31, 2011


The Nobella Pizza Prize Committee announced today that it has chosen Alan Greenspan to receive the Schmuckup Prize in Literature.


Greenspan testifying before the House Financial Services Committee. He once noted that since becoming a central banker he learned to mumble with great incoherence. The Nobella Pizza Prize Committee stated in its award that incoherence was Greenspan’s greatest achievement.

The Committee based the award on Greenspan’s contributions to the English language over the past quarter century.

The members who voted for the former Federal Reserve Chairman put forth a few of Greenspan’s numerous and inimitable phrases and statements he so copiously bestowed on his native tongue.

Most notable among the phrases popularized by Greenspan is “irrational exuberance” which the Nobella Committee translated as a “kind of nutty excitement” as in banks went bat-shit crazy over subprime loans.

Other notable statements highlighted by the Committee included:

I guess I should warn you, if I turn out to be particularly clear, you’ve probably misunderstood what I meant.

Even though some down payments are borrowed, it would take a large, and historically most unusual, fall in home prices to wipe out a significant part of home equity.  Many of those who purchased their residence more than a year ago have equity buffers in their homes adequate to withstand any price decline other than a very deep one.

The use of a growing array of derivatives and the related application of more sophisticated approaches to measuring and managing risk are key factors underpinning the greater resilience of our largest financial institutions.

Improvements in lending practices driven by information technology have enabled lenders to reach out to households with previously unrecognized borrowing capacities.

Derivatives have permitted the unbundling of financial risks.

Members of the Committee made it known that it sought the advice of and consulted with numerous specialists in the English language before arriving at its decision.

The Committee also noted that although Greenspan finished second in voting for the Schmuckup Prize in Economics his nomination remains open and he is eligible to receive that award at any moment.

From the UPW newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

March 28, 2011


Governor Page LeGlue ordered a mural praising the efforts of hard working American men and women removed from the rotunda of the state Capitol.

The painting is to be replaced by one honoring the thrift and frugality of the Charles Dickens character Ebenezer Scrooge.

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The new work of art will be unveiled at a ceremony to take place today at the Capitol building.

The mural will depict an angry Ebenezer Scrooge confronting the apparition of his former business partner Jacob Marley and throwing it out of the bedroom window.

Scrooge is then seen berating the Ghost of Christmas Past and telling her to go find someone else’s past before he locks her in a shed and throws away the key. The ghost then heeds the warning and congratulates Scrooge for steadfastly refusing to bend to the woman he loves and instead abandons her in favor of his quest for untold wealth.

Scrooge next kicks the Ghost of Christmas Present smack in the ass and sends him on his way.

The following scene shows a group of thugs hired by Scrooge mugging the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come and then throwing him into a grave while Scrooge is wearing a gleeful  grin and enjoying his victories over the apparitions sent to part him from some of his money. He then appears in the corn exchange gouging even more money from the customers he so shrewdly exploits.

Finally, in the last scene Bob Cratchit’s wife is depicted beating him over the head with her purse and accusing him of being a lazy lout who cannot provide for his family while they take the dying Tiny Tim to a poor house so he can receive care before he passes on.

Gov. LeGlue was present at the unveiling ceremony and dedicated the mural to the businessmen of the country who, like the famed fictional character, spared neither cruelty nor greed to achieve success and in the process helped to make the American economy the greatest the world has ever known.

Also present at the unveiling was right wing radio host Tush Limpole. The popular talk show jockey noted that business leaders across the state contributed to the mural project so taxpayer dollars were not needed to fund the effort.

According to an anonymous source, Limpole congratulated LeGlue profusely and invited the governor to join him on a fellowshiping mission to the Riviera.

From the UPW newsroom – surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting tastelessly useless news worldwide.

March 27, 2011


Headline in Local Newspaper Warning of Tax Hike.

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Transformation across the urban American landscape.

A headline in a local newspaper and similar headlines in papers throughout the country offers local residents this choice: Cut expenses or raise taxes. That’s a no brainer.

The wealthy are rising up in support of the cuts and numerous working people are voicing their agreement.

Why should our friends and neighbors have better government jobs with good benefits when those of us who work in private enterprise have low wage jobs with limited or no benefits are concerns voiced by the working class poor.

According to a poll conducted by UPW reporters working people are fed up. It’s time to fire friends and neighbors and reduce taxes, especially on the wealthy, a majority agrees. And once budgets are cut by firing lazy no good for nothing public servants we can fire more in order to cut expenses further and give more tax breaks to the rich.

Local business owners are supporting reduced sales, revenues and profits that will result from firing their friends and neighbors who are also their customers in order to avoid a tax increase on their communities wealthiest citizens. These business owners agreed that they would rather close their doors and shutter their windows to avoid a tax increase that would keep their customers employed.

Many who participated in the poll agreed that the rich make contributions to their communities that can be seen across the entire urban American landscape and claimed to have voted in the last election to fire public servants to avoid tax increases on their communities’ rich.

From the Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in offering worthless news to people everywhere.

March 27, 2011

OPINION-The Slave Market

Slavery Takes a New Form.

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The Slave Market by Gustave Boulanger (1824-1888).

Slavery has existed since the beginning of recorded history.  Given its prevalence in the earliest civilizations it is likely that the institution existed even in primitive prehistoric societies. We know it continues to exist in many parts of the world even today.  It is a phenomenon so common among civilized societies that it is doubtful that it will ever be eradicated.

The factor common to all slave holding societies is a small but dominant ruling class – the so called idle rich.  This class established its supremacy in the United States in both the North and the South early in colonial history.

In the South slavery assumed the traditional historical model, that is, the slaves were property bought and owned by the pampered rich.  The model was somewhat different in the North in that the slaves were not considered the property of the wealthy.  Slaves in the North were either indentured for long periods of time or were victims of what is today described as wage slavery – slavery’s modern form.

But the common factor was present in both models and was evident in the sharp division between classes represented mainly by a small rich ruling class and a struggling and captive underclass.

We see today in the United States a movement toward distinct class divisions of the type that existed early in the nation’s history and that inevitably rend a society apart.  With the decline of the middle class and a sharp rise in a rich, domineering upper class, the period of growing equality among the classes is clearly drawing to a close.  That short lived period of increasing equality is now being replaced by a distinct class structure.

We are on the verge of becoming a society in which half of its members will be dining out while the other half will be waiting the tables.  We are approaching a time in America when the vast majority will be faced with the prospect of limited opportunity.  We are becoming an America most of us will not recognize.  Although we are loathe to admit it, the hard reality assaults us every day.

We are becoming a nation divided into two classes: A small wealthy elite and a growing underclass to serve its needs. As the past so clearly teaches us, the disparity is a symptom of a society in the first stages of decay. And so it is with us today. We are a nation in decline.

March 27, 2011


Commerce Department Announces New Program.

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Offices of the US Federal Trade Commission.

The Department of Commerce today announced a program to export statistics to governments, corporations and individuals around the world.

The nation, according to a Department spokesperson, is continuously bombarded with more statistics than a human being should ever have to deal with.

We have statistics on Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, exports, imports, the budget, the deficit, the debt to GDP ratio, the amount of payoff money DC politicians receive in exchange for votes and much, much more.

So Commerce has decided to make the statistics available to everyone everywhere. Appeals to the Freedom of Information Act will not be necessary under any circumstances.

The Department will privatize the new program and is seeking qualified export agents with experience in exporting goods to foreign countries and knowledge of export regulations.

According to statistics produced by Department experts, once in full operation, the program will reverse the decades long US balance of trade deficit and achieve a positive trade exchange rate within a week or two.

Reports from Wall Street indicate the banks are elated and will soon be offering derivatives and other newly devised investment vehicles to its customers. The banks will begin to bundle the new vehicles into tranches to ensure their safety and AIG will reportedly be offering credit default swaps as further protection for investors. Ratings agencies have already rated the derivatives AAA+.

According to a Wall Street banker, who spoke under conditions of anonymity, “We’re gonna get rich.”


From the UPW newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in offering worthlessly useless news worldwide.

March 23, 2011


Dark Horse Wins Economics Prize

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The Reagans celebrating a joyful moment together.

The Nobella Pizza Prize Committee announced the winner of The Schmuckup Prize in Economics at noon today from its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy.

The decision has been long awaited and the announcement came as something of a surprise as the Committee designated Former President Ronald Reagan as the winner. The former chief executive was believed to be a dark horse.

However, Reagan won the award chiefly for his support and implementation of the Pisson Theory of Economics. According to the Pisson Theory reducing the amount of taxes paid will increase the amount of taxes collected. The theory has also been referred to as supply side economics.

In order to dupe those not familiar with economic theory, the economists on Reagan’s staff came up with a hairbrained explanation to support the Pisson Theory. According to the economists the effect of reducing taxes for rich people – especially very rich people who contributed payoff money to the president’s election campaign and to his inauguration extravaganza – will cause these very rich people to invest the money in the economy and thereby create jobs.

Reagan explained the idea in a statement made early in his first administration  “A rising tide raises all boats,” he said. Unfortunately for this president his rising tide sinks small boats and has continued to do so for some thirty years.

Most sensible economists knew the idea was a crock but it fooled just enough people enough of the time to get Reagan reelected.

Some thirty years later numerous Americans are still suffering from Reagan’s voodoo economics which some say came straight from a horse’s ass. So the committee proudly announces that the Nobella Pizza Prize in Economics – a prize named after its founder Don Alfredo Vito Nobella – goes to former President Ronald Reagan in recognition of the widespread economic destruction his Pisson Theory has caused.

The prize itself consists of a forged autographed copy of a picture of Don Vito himself while supplies last.

From the UPW newsroom – surpassing the Mainstream Media in bringing tastelessly worthless news the world over.

March 21, 2011


Justice Thomas Criticized for Conflict of Interest.

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The current members of the Supreme Court of the United State.

Justice Clarence Thomas has recently received criticism for refusing to recuse himself from cases before the Court where a decision could benefit the income of his wife and thus enhance his own wealth.

The criticism could soon reach an unmanageable level now that calls for his removal from the bench for conflict of interest decisions are being reported from a variety of sources.

Rumors are emanating from the chambers of the Court and spreading rapidly throughout Washington DC that in order to head off any further criticism the justice has vowed to his supporters that he will present them with a pubic hair suitable for framing in exchange for their continued support. The hair, according to whispers circulating throughout the community, would not be accompanied by a Coke can

The rumors recall an incident that occurred during the nominee’s confirmation hearings when a witness testified that Thomas exclaimed that someone had put a pubic hair on a can of Coke he was drinking from.

A reporter for UPW familiar with activities surrounding the Court and its members said that a spokesman for Thomas indicated the justice vehemently denies making any such offer and that the judge also denied any association with the envelopes mailed to Congressional offices containing strange looking strands of what apparently is human hair.

The FBI has been confiscating the envelopes and the hair they contained. The law enforcement agency announced that DNA testing is underway to determine the nature of the hair and possibly the source.

From the UPW newswire: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in bringing tastelessly trashy news worldwide.

March 21, 2011


Kids in MSM Develop New Deficit Game.

Object: Find Ways to Blame Social Security.

Winner Receives Pat on Back From Corporate Masters.

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Aerial view of the Pentagon, command central for the nation’s war kitty.

Kids in the Mainstream Media have developed a new board game.

Apparently, a couple of kids at the Wall Street Journal attempted to engage in what has become known as “an adult conversation,” about the fabricated deficit. In the process, they unwittingly created a new game: Blame the Deficit on the Working Class.

An essential part of the game is the phrase “adult conversation.” In Washington DC babblespeak that translates to “shove the bill up the ass of the middle class.”

The kids at the Journal, Janet Hook and Naftali Ben David, like so many other children in the MSM, are clearly unhappy about our prefab deficit. So the kids decided to play a game among themselves. The object of the game is to see who can find the most ways to shove most of the fake debt onto as many middle and working class people as possible.

The best way to stiff the middle class, according to the kids, is to implement the plan put forth by Barack Obama’s rigged deficit commission. Actually there was no commission plan per say because the recommendations put forth by Barons Erskine von Bowles and Alan von Simpson didn’t garner enough votes from other members of the commission, You see, the deficit commission was a fail.

But not to worry, plan or no, let’s get on with the game because some of the ideas offered by the two noblemen who headed up that pathetic little group turned out to be really good ways to shove the burden of the phony deficit onto working people.

Other kids in the MSM, like those on CNN and FOX and the three other corporate owned news shows, are also trying to find ways to win the game. All however are playing the same blame it on the middle class sport.

It’s a good blame game though. When the rich kids in the MSM win, they get to keep their budget busting Bush tax cuts and those who aren’t rich enough to care about the tax cuts get to keep their jobs by continuously parroting their master’s puffery.

But now it’s time for all good children in the MSM to stop playing their phony little game, take a seat and have a genuine adult conversation about the deficit.

First and foremost it is not caused by Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid or any of the other safety net programs. Second and more importantly it was caused by rich people – greedy, deceitful, warmongering rich people. They received outrageous and wholly unjustifiable tax cuts. They also engaged in and supported wars started by some president’s kid who had a grudge against some dictator somewhere in the Middle East. Then they lied, cheated and stole their way to even more fabulous riches by engaging in some of the most deceitful practices since pirates roamed the seas. They outsourced jobs, fired loyal workers, issued junk mortgages and sliced them into something called collateralized debt obligations and sold them off to unsuspecting investors and in the process damn near tanked the economy of the entire world.

But they weren’t finished. After they crashed their companies, they got their government toadies to declare an emergency and lend them some money to bail them out of the mess they created.

Still not finished. It was then that they got their kids in the MSM, now owned lock, stock and barrel by their corporate compadres to proclaim -yes, I think you really do get it now – a wholly fabricated mythology that a government deficit exists and to shift the burden of cleaning up after them onto the working stiff by blaming their mess on Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and the host of safety net programs whose sole intention is to help the less fortunate survive in a climate of greed, theft and perpetual war.

So kiddies stop playing your phony little game and have that genuine adult conversation about the fabricated deficit and how to melt it away: Raise taxes on the wealthy to the level that existed throughout the 1990s because the tax cuts are a major contributing factor to the fabricated debt; stop the shameful wars; reduce the disgraceful war kitty; pass genuine health insurance reform. Game over. Sorry media kids. I win.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in bringing you worthlessly useless news worldwide.

This report is a product of Unreliable Press Worldwide.

March 20, 2011


NPR: In Struggle to Maintain High Standards.

Reputation Under Assault.

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New headquarters for NPR beginning in 2012. (Photo by AgnosticPreachersKid).

A spokesperson for the Republican House Caucus stated that funding for NPR would be preserved if the network would broadcast syndicated right wing centrists Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck.

A few hours a day of fair and balanced news would go a long way to convince Republicans to support the network with taxpayer dollars, according to the spokesperson.

An NPR executive issued a statement stipulating that NPR was agreeable to carrying Limbaugh and Hannity on its daily schedule. But Beck would only fit in on weekends, probably replacing Car Talk and Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me.

The executive continued that NPR would be agreeable to broadcasting other conservative talk show hosts throughout the week in the interests of becoming fair and balanced in the manner of Fox News.

Republicans, conservatives and other right wing extremists were delighted with that message and other statements issued by NPR executives. So much so that there is now a movement among Republicans in Congress to increase funding to the public radio network.

A suggestion has recently emerged from the caucus that NPR change its name to Fox Public Radio. FPR would undoubtedly win the support of numerous corporations and right wing entities nationwide and would never again have to concern itself about funding. One benefit would be the elimination of annoying fund drives whose primary purpose has been to instill feelings of guilt among non-contributors.

The only remaining lefty socialist network for right wing centrists to contend with is the Marxist leaning MSNBC. Right wing centrists were optimistic however that Comcast, which now owns NBC, would rigidly control the content of news at MSNBC and that the network would soon become as Foxed up as other news outlets.

When control of the Internet is complete, right wing centrists and corporate America will exercise total domination of all news outlets across the nation.

From UPW News: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in bringing you worthlessly useless news worldwide.

March 19, 2011


Bulletin from UPW!

Worldwide Financial Crisis

Wall St. Under Evacuation Order.

Emergency Med. Teams Enroute.

Emed Helicopters Landing.

Stock Market in Shock. Shuts Down.

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President Obama and Premier Jiabao of China in happier times.

Numerous bank executives and hedge fund managers have been reported fainting on Wall Street after UPW filed a report that a Chinese worker asked the government of the People’s Republic of China to establish a $2.00 per hour minimum wage. The worker also proposed that labor in China be given the right to bargain collectively with factory owners.

CEOs in the financial sector have been observed falling to their hands and knees and retching uncontrollably at news of the report and many are said to be in need of immediate medical attention. Similar incidents are being reported in London, Paris, Berlin and financial capitals throughout Asia.

President Barack Obama issued a statement that the United States government is prepared to send any assistance necessary to China to quell the uprising by the Chinese worker. In a private message sent to Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao, Obama appealed to the leader of China to act swiftly to bring the situation under control.

Meanwhile, the president placed US military forces throughout Asia, including the US Navy’s Seventh Fleet stationed in Yokosuka, Japan, on high alert.

Several hedge funds managers, now under heavy sedation, summoned President Obama to New York for emergency consultations.

The president is reportedly aboard his Marine helicopter speeding to Andrews Air Force base where Air Force One has been readied for takeoff and will embark immediately after the president boards. A no-fly zone has been established between Washington, DC and New York City to accommodate the president’s emergency flight plan.

In the mean time, Premier Wen Jiabao has announced that the worker making the demands has been captured, tried and convicted and will be executed by firing squad in the morning if not sooner.

The announcement from China did little to quell the fears of Wall Street executives. Concerns were raised about future threats to the financial community and CEOs of the giant banking firms were demanding that Obama act rapidly, unilaterally if necessary, to prevent any future uprisings by another Chinese worker and to deal forcefully with any labor menace that might imperil the American investor class.

The president was overheard to say he will do whatever is necessary to protect Wall Street fortunes and to keep open the payoff money pipeline to the White House.

In view of President Obama’s statements and the rapid response to the crisis by the Chinese government, the chaos that erupted in financial markets throughout the world is said to be easing.

From Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in bringing you worthlessly useless news worldwide.

Updates on the dangerous conditions currently existing in China will be reported as they become available.

March 18, 2011


Gingrich seeking new pastime activities.


Newt Gingrich, the poster boy for adultery, is considering taking up a new pastime.

A spokesman for Gingrich said the former House Speaker wants to follow in the footsteps of President Barack Obama and hopes to best the president in his March Madness bracket selections.

Gingrich, according to the spokesman, is not familiar with the complexities of the game and has just purchased a new book entitled Basketball for Idiots.

Gingrich intends to study the intricacies of the college sport and expects to be able to compete with Obama by 2012.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

March 17, 2011


Tush Limpole has been found in Africa.

Search Party locates Tush in central Kenya.

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Huge crowds awaiting the emergence from the jungle of right wing radio talk show host Tush Limpole. Limpole claims to have found the authentic birth certificate of Barack Obama.

From the UPW Newswire

A search party sent into the tribal region of Kenya reports that it has located Tush Limpole.

Limpole was traveling with a female companion and a caravan of Kenyans to a region occupied by the Boowambie tribe, an indigenous group that has lived in the area for a thousand years.

The chief of the Boowambie is said to have contacted Tush and claimed that he was in possession of the original birth certificate of Barack Obama.

The chief claimed that Obama was born of a tribal midwife and that his birth was registered in Nairobi, the capital of Kenya.

The Limpole search party is now on its way back to the capital and according to communications from the leader of the group, it should arrive in Nairobi within the next few minutes.

Tush was found safe and in good health. He claimed he was delayed due to extended negotiations with the chief. After receiving $250,000 in exchange for the document, the chief insisted on an additional $50,000 to pay two experts to examine and authenticate the birth certificate. Both experts confirmed that the certificate was authentic.

UPW has obtained a photocopy of the certificate which was transmitted electronically from a device in the possession of the search party.

A copy of the certificate is reprinted below.

A reporter from UPW noted discrepancies between the document he just received and one that was published several days ago.

In a brief conversation with Limpole, who is only minutes from the capital, the right wing radio talk show host claimed the document he now has in his possession is the genuine birth certificate.

Also speaking with reporters via radio communications was the Lady Margarita Dushanbe, the eighteen year old heiress to the Dushanbe family fortune.

Lady Dushanbe declared that she was so proud of her little Tushie that words failed her. The truth, she continued, has finally been revealed.


Certificate of Birth

Issued this Fourth Day of April One Thousand Nineteen Hundred and Sixty by the Office of the Recorder of Births

Nairobi, Kenya

Name of Child:  Barack Hussein Obama

Name of Father:  Barack Obama, Sr.

Name of Mother:  White Lady

Sworn before me this Fourth Day of April One Thousand Nineteen Hundred and Sixty:

Abdul Kareema Moustafa

Recorder of Births

Nairobi, Kenya

March 15, 2011

Gingrich: Adultery an Act of Patriotism

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Former House Speaker New Gingrich speaking with US Naval Forces of the Fifth Fleet.

From the UPW Newswire.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich stated today that his former acts of adultery stemmed from his love of country and were the result of how hard he worked in pursuit of a better America.

The message to all young Americans from the former Speaker is that if you work hard, play by the rules and honor your country you too can become an adulterer.

A spokesman for the leader of the Church of the Almighty of Forgiveness, His Excellency the Exulted Patriarch Most High Amanita Ambrosia, stated that the Exulted Patriarch had declared the forgiveness of all of the former Speakers adulterous sins.

The spokesman reminded sinners that you do not have to be married to commit adultery. All you really have to do is screw someone else’s spouse and, voila, you’re an adulterer. He continued that forgiveness is always at your fingertips. For a small gift the Church of the Almighty of Forgiveness will guarantee that your sins will be forgiven by Our Lord and God the Almighty. Just like Newt’s.

March 15, 2011



Picture showing dramatic improvement in living conditions in China.

A committee of Wall Street executives traveling in China today praised the improvements in wages and living conditions for the teenage labor force in Asia.

Asian wage slaves typically are young teens who can labor for long hours and receive wages of as much as twenty-five cents an hour.  Considering that these teens often work twelve hours a day the salary they receive often reaches three dollars daily and by working seven days they earn as much as twenty-one dollars a week.

During the Christmas rush when orders are at their height the teens are permitted to work two to three hours extra per day thereby increasing their daily wage by fifty to seventy five cents.

The Wall Street executives predicted a bright future for these hard working young men and women.

The teens live in company barracks that are protected by ten-foot chain link fences topped with strands of barbed wire.  The gates are always locked and guarded to add further protection for the young workers. Because of the vital role these teens play in the global economy, illness is not permitted.  The Wall Street visitors were impressed by the responsibility the young work force showed for its duties exhibited by the fact that no one ever gets sick.

The company charges a modest rental fee of fourteen dollars a week to live in the barracks.  The wage slaves however live in relative comfort in a friendly atmosphere with twelve teens to a room.  The company provides at no extra charge a mat for the teens to sleep on, a well pump in the rear of the barracks to provide water for all to share and has added several additional outhouses to care for personal needs.

The teens are fed two bowls of rice a day.  The amount of rice was recently increased from four to five ounces per bowl.  On Sundays the rice is now cooked in chicken broth to add extra nourishment and working hours have been strictly limited to twelve even during the busy Christmas season.  The teens are also given two cups of tea per day.

The cost for each bowl of rice is twenty five cents.  The company now provides the tea free of charge as a benefit which it is able to deduct from its taxes.  At the end of an eighty four hour week each teen receives a net pay of three dollars.

The company generously offers a savings plan to the teens also without charge.  Teens are required to participate in the plan.  The minimum deposit is three dollars or the entire amount of the weekly pay which ever is greater.

Wall Street executives praised the living conditions under which the young teens lived and are eager to remind Americans who buy products made in Asia that they are helping to support millions of hardworking young men and women throughout that rapidly developing region.

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Committee of executives impressed by improvements in living conditions throughout Asia.

(Photos by Patrickshichuan and erin from Evanston).