SCIENTISTS UNEARTH NEW HUMAN SPECIES!

Breaking News from the UPW newsroom. Dateline Mar. 3, 2011.

Paleontologists at the City University of Misanthropy announced today the discovery of a new species of human being. The scientists revealed the existence of an honest elected official in Washington DC.

File:BrookhavenNationalLaboratoryAerialView.jpg

File photo of the laboratory complex where the new species has been confined.

The official, who wishes to remain anonymous, has presented unassailable evidence that he has never taken a dime’s worth of baksheesh from corrupt Wall Street executives, greedy corporate CEOs or degenerate lobbyists all of whom have disgraced the city from Capitol Hill to the White House.

The lead scientist of the discovery expedition, Dr. Heironymous Mercantius, head of the school’s Department of Misogyny, believes the creature they have discovered resembles homo sapiens in every detail with the exception that it elicits remarkable honesty in matters affecting government and politics.

Officials from CUM – a for-profit school that describes itself as a provider of exceptional educational opportunities for society’s misfits – have named the new human species Politicianus Honestius.

Papers found among the creature’s belongings indicate that he is currently a member of the U.S House of Representatives and has been re-elected by the voters of his state every two years for the last twenty years. In some years the creature stated he wasn’t even running.

When informed that an honest politician from his state had been discovered in the environs of Washington DC, the governor of Mississippi, the Hon. Bailey Harbour retorted: “That’s bullshit.”

School officials announced that they have isolated the gene that induces honesty and efforts are now underway to duplicate what scientists are calling the most significant mutation in human history.

It is not known whether the gene is infectious to the human subspecies but scientists believe the single cell is imbedded in a transparent plasma which resembles an organism that may be bonded to the gene in a symbiotic relationship. In tests in laboratory mice the gene bearing plasma has shown a remarkable ability to bond with other cells in the body and in a process not yet fully understood the plasma then replicates the mutant gene. Once bonding occurred the new organism could not be detected by the immune systems in the mice used in the experiment. Scientists also noted that the organism can become airborne and be transmitted between mice making the newly discovered gene contagious among the laboratory animals.

The only difference noted in the behavior of the mice, according to the scientists, was an inexplicable propensity to share food with other mice.

The discovery of an organism that could render politicians honest has lobbyists on K Street in the nation’s capital in a frenzy. Fear is spreading that release of the organism among what scientists now consider the lower species of humans could infect the entire political establishment and create havoc in government circles.

Reporters were being denied access to the site where the subject was discovered by CUM security officers and were also prevented from entering the building where the laboratory experiments were being conducted. CUM was everywhere and blocked all entrances and exits according to press reports streaming from the CUM campus.

The subject who scientists are now certain represents a new human species was being held in isolation in the science building which was placed in a virtual lock down condition to prevent reporters from gaining access to the subject.

A CUM scientist whose field of study is misogyny reveled in the fact that the new species was male while a professor from the Department of Misandry lamented the apparent maleness of the subject and insisted that further DNA testing would be necessary to confirm the sex of the new species.

Meanwhile, reports are pouring into the UPW newsroom of offers amounting to hundreds of millions of dollars by corporations and their lobbyists to purchase the rights to the new gene. A Wall Street CEO declared that the gene and the mysterious organism associated with it must be isolated and destroyed before it infects the entire human race. The CEO, who spoke under conditions of anonymity, stated the gene represents the greatest threat to humanity since Eve took a bite of the apple.

An official speaking on behalf of the university said CUM is going to make a load on this one.

Updates will be reported as soon as they become available to UPW.


Unreliable Press Worldwide. Surpassing the Mainstream Media.


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