Archive for March 5th, 2011

March 5, 2011

Sheen to Haiti. Sends Harem Ahead!

UPW. March 5, 2011.

Charlie Sheen departed for Haiti today following closely behind a chartered superjumbo Airbus A380 double-decker airliner rumored to have aboard a coterie of Mr. Sheen’s favorite female companions.

Mr. Sheen spent a total of eleven hours and twenty-four minutes kissing the ladies on the cheek and wishing each a safe trip before he himself boarded a specially designed Gulfstream G650 jet liner for his flight to the island nation.

Before departing Mr. Sheen waved to a crowd of well-wishers who had gathered at the airport terminal to see him off. Members of the crowd carried signs of support for Mr. Sheen reading “Creep”, “Jerk” and “Good Riddance”. Many held up their middle fingers in a display of fan loyalty seldom witnessed at the terminal.

File:Armenian Presidential Elections 2008 Protest Day 11 - French Embassy Demonstration 230pm general view.jpg

Throng of Sheen fans bidding farewell at airport.

Mr. Sheen issued a statement thanking his fans for the support they showed during his recent travails and assured the cheering throng that he was traveling to Haiti to help alleviate the distress among the Haitians in any way he could and that the ladies who preceded him were going there in an expression of brotherly love and were eager to fellowship with Mr. Sheen at every opportunity.

Updates to follow from the UPW newsroom.

Unreliable Press Worldwide.

Printing tastelessly cheap news is our business.

Bulletin from the UPW newsroom.

Charlie Sheen departs for Haiti. Mr. Sheen issued a statement saying the ladies of Haiti must truly be excited.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

March 5, 2011

Schmuckup Nominees Announced

Pasta Fagioli, Italy. UPW. March 4, 2011

From the UPW news wire. The Nobella Prize Committee has just announced the nominations for this year’s Schmuckup Award in economics. The nominees are:

George W. Bush: for not knowing jack shit about economics for the entire eight years of his presidency.

Ronald Reagan: for developing and implementing the Pisson Theory of Economics.

Alan Greenspan: for knowing jack shit about economics and screwing up beyond all reason anyway and who is, according to Matt Taibbi, the biggest Asshole in the Universe.

Bill Clinton: for signing NAFTA, appointing Robert Rubin and Larry Summers as Treasury secretaries and then arrogantly and stupidly signing deregulation legislation.

Barack Obama: for developing the Hopey Changey Theory of Economics that would reinstate FDR’s cherished New Deal and then abandoning the theory as soon as he woke up after the election of 2008, even before he lit up his first cigarette.

File:Themos Anninos.JPG

A photo of the originator of the Nobella Prize Don Alfredo Vito Nobella.

According to a spokesman for the nominating committee The Schmuckup Award is an honor that isn’t given to just anybody. Deserving recipients must exhibit an overpowering inclination to deceive, defraud, corrupt, be corrupted or act in a stupid, arrogant or ignorant manner. That should leave the field wide open according to the spokesman, government, politics, sports, entertainment, the possibilities are unlimited. But remember, the spokesman reminded the group of reporters, it’s not enough for a nominee to be a schmuck up. There are thousands of those in Washington DC alone. A truly deserving winner has to be a dumb schmuck up.

The winner of the award will receive a certificate describing the achievement that earned the distinction along with the honor of having his name engraved in the polished granite monument contributed to the Nobella Committee by the Sardo Institute of Lame Humor. Since citizens across the globe have rejected offering their communities as a site for the location of the monument honoring recipients of The Schmuckup Award in Economics, the Nobella Committee decided to place the granite stones in Pasta Fagioli, Italy, a village buried deep in the Italian Alps and the current site of the committee’s hideout.

The winner will also receive a forged autographed copy of a photograph of Don Alfredo Vito Nobella, the originator of the award.

Prizes are awarded while supplies last.

Stand by for updates from the UPW newsroom.

Unreliable Press Worldwide.

Surpassing the Mainstream Media.