Archive for March 11th, 2011

March 11, 2011

God Revealed To Be An Atheist!

From the Sardo Institute:

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Photos of buildings that have absolutely nothing to do with The Sardo Institute of Lame Humor.

Ever wonder about God. Well, wonder no more for scholars at the Sardo Institute have solved the mystery of the Almighty.

The good news: God exists.

The bad news: God is the CEO of heaven.


The good news: God loves working people.

The bad news: He only pays fifty cents an hour.


The good news: God is a Christian.

The bad news: He’s also a Republican.


The good news: God is an epicene.

The bad news: There are no dictionaries in heaven.


The good news: You can pray to God for help.

The bad news: God is an atheist.


Scientists at the Sardo Institute are examining a statement by a former congregant of the Church of Almighty Forgiveness who claims to have spoken with God for the third time in two years.

The excommunicated member repeated the words God revealed to him in sworn testimony given to scholars at the Institute.

God, he said, is an atheist. The Almighty reasoned that no Supreme Being could ever have created an animal that resembles a monkey and is as devious, greedy and murderous as the gorilla like creatures who call themselves humans.

Since God is aware that such a creature exists and denies any involvement in creating it, the Almighty insists that there must be some other accounting for the creature’s existence.

In the words of the former member of the Church of the Almighty, God put forth the following explanation: Since He had nothing to do with the creature nor the universe in which it exists, the monkey like animal is the result solely of a massive explosion of an infinitely dense singularity that occurred without beginning, without end and in and of itself.

Under the circumstances, a scholar from the Institute reported in a short thesis that as far as humans are concerned God is an atheist.

The study concluded with the statement: Hey, shit happens.

In a related development, scientists at the Institute have received a multimillion dollar government grant to study the belief that God is epicentric.

According to a recovering Catholic undergoing treatment at the Institute, God is indeed epicentric.

If that condition proves to be valid,  scholars posed the question: If God wants to get laid, can he screw himself?

The former Catholic now in rehab opined that he hoped God could do so because He’s certainly screwed us enough.


From the UPW newsroom: Reporting tastelessly trashy news worldwide.

March 11, 2011

PRESIDENT FOUND!

BULLETIN FROM UPW NEWSWIRE!

The Secret Service reported today that President Barack Obama was found safe on the White House grounds. Obama was discovered hiding under a bed in the Lincoln Bedroom

A statement issued from the White House indicated that the president was sick and tired of the budget debates in Congress and the mess in Wisconsin and couldn’t be bothered anymore.

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File photo of Barack Obama hard at work on budget issues.

Earlier reports that the president was lost in space or at the State Department messing around with Hillary proved to be unfounded.

 

From UPW:  Reporting tastelessly trashy news worldwide.

March 11, 2011

TUSH LOST IN AFRICA!

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View of the jungle area where Barack Obama is believed to have been born and where Tush Limpole is now missing. A search party is enroute to the tribe where Limpole issued his last communication with the outside world.

Right wing talk radio host Tush Limpole is reported missing in Africa.

According to a spokesman for Limpole, the radio host traveled to the Dark Continent in search of President Barack Obama’s real birth certificate.

The radio host departed from an undisclosed Caribbean Island where he was fellowshipping with a number of female companions. He landed in Nairobi the capital of the east African nation. From there he hired a caravan to move into the tribal regions deep in the interior of the country.

Tush was reportedly traveling with $250,000 in US currency.

Limpole was scheduled to meet with the chief of the Boowanga tribe who claims Barack Obama was born to the tribe and delivered by a tribal mdiwife. His birth was registered in Nairobi.

The meeting was delayed when the chief reneged on the original terms of the sale of the birth certificate insisting on an additional $50,000 before he handed over the document.

In his last dispatch, Limpole told associates that he was slated to meet with the chieftan in late afternoon. During a brief encounter Limpole described the chief as very tall and dressed in traditional tribal clothing which consisted of a very colorful headdress, a long, flowing, embroidered robe and a five hundred dollar pair of Ferragamo loafers.

Before he handed over any of the money, Limpole insisted on seeing the original certificate. He was then permitted to send a photocopy of the certificate to Nairobi for examination.

UPW news has obtained a copy of the copy and has transmitted it worldwide across its news wires. Experts in Nairobi have declared the certificate to be genuine. A copy of the document is reprinted below.

The whereabouts of Tush Limpole is as yet unknown.


Certificate of Birth

Issued this Fourth Day in the Month of August

In the Year One Thousand Nineteen Hundred and Sixty One

Nairobi, Kenya

 

Name of Child: Barack Hussein Obama

Name of Father: Barack Obama, Sr.

Name of Mother: White Lady

Sworn to me this Fourth Day of August One Thousand Nineteen Hundred and Sixty One.


Kareema Moustafa

Recorder of Births


Updates will follow as they become available.

From the UPW newsroom: Printing tastelessly trashy news across the planet