God Revealed To Be An Atheist!

From the Sardo Institute:

File:Mac-O-Chee–Mac-A-Cheek montage.jpg

Photos of buildings that have absolutely nothing to do with The Sardo Institute of Lame Humor.

Ever wonder about God. Well, wonder no more for scholars at the Sardo Institute have solved the mystery of the Almighty.

The good news: God exists.

The bad news: God is the CEO of heaven.


The good news: God loves working people.

The bad news: He only pays fifty cents an hour.


The good news: God is a Christian.

The bad news: He’s also a Republican.


The good news: God is an epicene.

The bad news: There are no dictionaries in heaven.


The good news: You can pray to God for help.

The bad news: God is an atheist.


Scientists at the Sardo Institute are examining a statement by a former congregant of the Church of Almighty Forgiveness who claims to have spoken with God for the third time in two years.

The excommunicated member repeated the words God revealed to him in sworn testimony given to scholars at the Institute.

God, he said, is an atheist. The Almighty reasoned that no Supreme Being could ever have created an animal that resembles a monkey and is as devious, greedy and murderous as the gorilla like creatures who call themselves humans.

Since God is aware that such a creature exists and denies any involvement in creating it, the Almighty insists that there must be some other accounting for the creature’s existence.

In the words of the former member of the Church of the Almighty, God put forth the following explanation: Since He had nothing to do with the creature nor the universe in which it exists, the monkey like animal is the result solely of a massive explosion of an infinitely dense singularity that occurred without beginning, without end and in and of itself.

Under the circumstances, a scholar from the Institute reported in a short thesis that as far as humans are concerned God is an atheist.

The study concluded with the statement: Hey, shit happens.

In a related development, scientists at the Institute have received a multimillion dollar government grant to study the belief that God is epicentric.

According to a recovering Catholic undergoing treatment at the Institute, God is indeed epicentric.

If that condition proves to be valid,  scholars posed the question: If God wants to get laid, can he screw himself?

The former Catholic now in rehab opined that he hoped God could do so because He’s certainly screwed us enough.


From the UPW newsroom: Reporting tastelessly trashy news worldwide.

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One Comment to “God Revealed To Be An Atheist!”

  1. The good news: God accepts high fives.

    The bad news: God only has four fingers.

    P.S. Make a blog out of this good news / bad news thing. I think it could be massively popular.

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