Archive for March 15th, 2011

March 15, 2011

Gingrich: Adultery an Act of Patriotism

File:US Navy 030208-N-3349L-005 Mr. Newt Gingrich, from the Defense Policy Board talks with troops assigned to United States Naval Forces Central Command, during his visit to the Fifth Fleet Area of Responsibility.jpg

Former House Speaker New Gingrich speaking with US Naval Forces of the Fifth Fleet.

From the UPW Newswire.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich stated today that his former acts of adultery stemmed from his love of country and were the result of how hard he worked in pursuit of a better America.

The message to all young Americans from the former Speaker is that if you work hard, play by the rules and honor your country you too can become an adulterer.

A spokesman for the leader of the Church of the Almighty of Forgiveness, His Excellency the Exulted Patriarch Most High Amanita Ambrosia, stated that the Exulted Patriarch had declared the forgiveness of all of the former Speakers adulterous sins.

The spokesman reminded sinners that you do not have to be married to commit adultery. All you really have to do is screw someone else’s spouse and, voila, you’re an adulterer. He continued that forgiveness is always at your fingertips. For a small gift the Church of the Almighty of Forgiveness will guarantee that your sins will be forgiven by Our Lord and God the Almighty. Just like Newt’s.

March 15, 2011

EXECS PRAISE IMPROVEMENTS

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Picture showing dramatic improvement in living conditions in China.

A committee of Wall Street executives traveling in China today praised the improvements in wages and living conditions for the teenage labor force in Asia.

Asian wage slaves typically are young teens who can labor for long hours and receive wages of as much as twenty-five cents an hour.  Considering that these teens often work twelve hours a day the salary they receive often reaches three dollars daily and by working seven days they earn as much as twenty-one dollars a week.

During the Christmas rush when orders are at their height the teens are permitted to work two to three hours extra per day thereby increasing their daily wage by fifty to seventy five cents.

The Wall Street executives predicted a bright future for these hard working young men and women.

The teens live in company barracks that are protected by ten-foot chain link fences topped with strands of barbed wire.  The gates are always locked and guarded to add further protection for the young workers. Because of the vital role these teens play in the global economy, illness is not permitted.  The Wall Street visitors were impressed by the responsibility the young work force showed for its duties exhibited by the fact that no one ever gets sick.

The company charges a modest rental fee of fourteen dollars a week to live in the barracks.  The wage slaves however live in relative comfort in a friendly atmosphere with twelve teens to a room.  The company provides at no extra charge a mat for the teens to sleep on, a well pump in the rear of the barracks to provide water for all to share and has added several additional outhouses to care for personal needs.

The teens are fed two bowls of rice a day.  The amount of rice was recently increased from four to five ounces per bowl.  On Sundays the rice is now cooked in chicken broth to add extra nourishment and working hours have been strictly limited to twelve even during the busy Christmas season.  The teens are also given two cups of tea per day.

The cost for each bowl of rice is twenty five cents.  The company now provides the tea free of charge as a benefit which it is able to deduct from its taxes.  At the end of an eighty four hour week each teen receives a net pay of three dollars.

The company generously offers a savings plan to the teens also without charge.  Teens are required to participate in the plan.  The minimum deposit is three dollars or the entire amount of the weekly pay which ever is greater.

Wall Street executives praised the living conditions under which the young teens lived and are eager to remind Americans who buy products made in Asia that they are helping to support millions of hardworking young men and women throughout that rapidly developing region.

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Committee of executives impressed by improvements in living conditions throughout Asia.

(Photos by Patrickshichuan and erin from Evanston).