Archive for March 19th, 2011

March 19, 2011


Bulletin from UPW!

Worldwide Financial Crisis

Wall St. Under Evacuation Order.

Emergency Med. Teams Enroute.

Emed Helicopters Landing.

Stock Market in Shock. Shuts Down.

File:Obama and Wen Jiabao.jpg

President Obama and Premier Jiabao of China in happier times.

Numerous bank executives and hedge fund managers have been reported fainting on Wall Street after UPW filed a report that a Chinese worker asked the government of the People’s Republic of China to establish a $2.00 per hour minimum wage. The worker also proposed that labor in China be given the right to bargain collectively with factory owners.

CEOs in the financial sector have been observed falling to their hands and knees and retching uncontrollably at news of the report and many are said to be in need of immediate medical attention. Similar incidents are being reported in London, Paris, Berlin and financial capitals throughout Asia.

President Barack Obama issued a statement that the United States government is prepared to send any assistance necessary to China to quell the uprising by the Chinese worker. In a private message sent to Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao, Obama appealed to the leader of China to act swiftly to bring the situation under control.

Meanwhile, the president placed US military forces throughout Asia, including the US Navy’s Seventh Fleet stationed in Yokosuka, Japan, on high alert.

Several hedge funds managers, now under heavy sedation, summoned President Obama to New York for emergency consultations.

The president is reportedly aboard his Marine helicopter speeding to Andrews Air Force base where Air Force One has been readied for takeoff and will embark immediately after the president boards. A no-fly zone has been established between Washington, DC and New York City to accommodate the president’s emergency flight plan.

In the mean time, Premier Wen Jiabao has announced that the worker making the demands has been captured, tried and convicted and will be executed by firing squad in the morning if not sooner.

The announcement from China did little to quell the fears of Wall Street executives. Concerns were raised about future threats to the financial community and CEOs of the giant banking firms were demanding that Obama act rapidly, unilaterally if necessary, to prevent any future uprisings by another Chinese worker and to deal forcefully with any labor menace that might imperil the American investor class.

The president was overheard to say he will do whatever is necessary to protect Wall Street fortunes and to keep open the payoff money pipeline to the White House.

In view of President Obama’s statements and the rapid response to the crisis by the Chinese government, the chaos that erupted in financial markets throughout the world is said to be easing.

From Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in bringing you worthlessly useless news worldwide.

Updates on the dangerous conditions currently existing in China will be reported as they become available.