Commerce Department Announces New Program.

File:Federal Trade Commission.jpg

Offices of the US Federal Trade Commission.

The Department of Commerce today announced a program to export statistics to governments, corporations and individuals around the world.

The nation, according to a Department spokesperson, is continuously bombarded with more statistics than a human being should ever have to deal with.

We have statistics on Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, exports, imports, the budget, the deficit, the debt to GDP ratio, the amount of payoff money DC politicians receive in exchange for votes and much, much more.

So Commerce has decided to make the statistics available to everyone everywhere. Appeals to the Freedom of Information Act will not be necessary under any circumstances.

The Department will privatize the new program and is seeking qualified export agents with experience in exporting goods to foreign countries and knowledge of export regulations.

According to statistics produced by Department experts, once in full operation, the program will reverse the decades long US balance of trade deficit and achieve a positive trade exchange rate within a week or two.

Reports from Wall Street indicate the banks are elated and will soon be offering derivatives and other newly devised investment vehicles to its customers. The banks will begin to bundle the new vehicles into tranches to ensure their safety and AIG will reportedly be offering credit default swaps as further protection for investors. Ratings agencies have already rated the derivatives AAA+.

According to a Wall Street banker, who spoke under conditions of anonymity, “We’re gonna get rich.”


From the UPW newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in offering worthlessly useless news worldwide.

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