PRIZE IN LITERATURE AWARDED TO GREENSPAN

The Nobella Pizza Prize Committee announced today that it has chosen Alan Greenspan to receive the Schmuckup Prize in Literature.

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Greenspan testifying before the House Financial Services Committee. He once noted that since becoming a central banker he learned to mumble with great incoherence. The Nobella Pizza Prize Committee stated in its award that incoherence was Greenspan’s greatest achievement.

The Committee based the award on Greenspan’s contributions to the English language over the past quarter century.

The members who voted for the former Federal Reserve Chairman put forth a few of Greenspan’s numerous and inimitable phrases and statements he so copiously bestowed on his native tongue.

Most notable among the phrases popularized by Greenspan is “irrational exuberance” which the Nobella Committee translated as a “kind of nutty excitement” as in banks went bat-shit crazy over subprime loans.

Other notable statements highlighted by the Committee included:

I guess I should warn you, if I turn out to be particularly clear, you’ve probably misunderstood what I meant.

Even though some down payments are borrowed, it would take a large, and historically most unusual, fall in home prices to wipe out a significant part of home equity.  Many of those who purchased their residence more than a year ago have equity buffers in their homes adequate to withstand any price decline other than a very deep one.

The use of a growing array of derivatives and the related application of more sophisticated approaches to measuring and managing risk are key factors underpinning the greater resilience of our largest financial institutions.

Improvements in lending practices driven by information technology have enabled lenders to reach out to households with previously unrecognized borrowing capacities.

Derivatives have permitted the unbundling of financial risks.

Members of the Committee made it known that it sought the advice of and consulted with numerous specialists in the English language before arriving at its decision.

The Committee also noted that although Greenspan finished second in voting for the Schmuckup Prize in Economics his nomination remains open and he is eligible to receive that award at any moment.

From the UPW newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

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