Archive for March, 2011

March 14, 2011

QUOTES FOR THE AGES

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Have another glass of wine, milady.

Quotes for all times:

Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker.  Ogden Nash.

Wine is mellower; but works just as wellower.  Me.

March 14, 2011

JESTER IN HIS OWN COURT!

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After the Democratic Party got crushed in the 2010 elections, was there any doubt that Obama would try to make more nice with the Republicans. What is surprising is that he didn’t try to become one. Although if he had, I’m sure the GOP would reject him. He’s been such a loser to date why would anyone want him.

And speaking of the shellacking he took, his Foxed up advisers apparently told him he was too lefty socialist and had to move quickly to the center. In reality, Obama has been so right of center he’d need binoculars to see the middle ground. He is as much a corpo-pres as was his predecessor.

The truth about the elections is that they were a revenge vote from people the president betrayed.

Sure, all candidates tell lies during a campaign but Obama won the blue ribbon in that category. His hopey, changey thing hit a populist cord with voters but when Obama turned on them, they turned on him at the first opportunity.

If the 2010 elections seemed like a horror movie, well that’s what they were. The Revenge of the Voter. And the president’s advisers still don’t get it even though he’s revamped his entire court replacing some of the most dreadful appointments any president has ever made with more dreadful appointments.

Obama is now scrambling to put together a winning team for 2012. Good luck. It doesn’t look promising.

The best hope for the Democratic Party today is that Obama declines to run for a second term although that prospect seems unlikely at the moment.

In the event he comes to his senses and refuses a second term, the Democratic Party will have yet another opportunity to put forth a genuine FDR type standard bearer – one who appreciates the legacy of the great liberal presidents who preceded the current office holder.

In the mean time, we will all have to suffer Mr. Nice Guy. And we know where nice guys finish. That’s last for anyone who doesn’t.

As for the final two years of his presidency, Obama seems set to remain a jester in his own court.

March 13, 2011

GOP Leads Baksheesh Race

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View of a street recently cleared by police of Democratic Party officeholders begging for baksheesh from K Street lobbyists.


UPW Newswire March 13, 2011.

The Republican Campaign Committee announced today it is leading its Democratic counterpart in raising campaign boodle. The committee, according to an unnamed spokesman, has raised millions of dollars in payoff money in exchange for favorable votes providing taxpayer largesse to bankers, corporations and insurance companies.

The exact figure raised to date has not yet been calculated because the labor force hired to count the money is inadequate. The committee announced today that it will be hiring more money counters if the cash volume received at headquarters in recent weeks continues at its current pace.

Most of the payoff money has been delivered by the US Postal Service using tractor trailers packed full with large canvas bags. The bags have been loaded on to pallets and are removed from the trailers using a fleet of forklifts.

Meanwhile, Democrats have been observed shuffling along K Street with knapsacks in hand appealing to lobbyists: “Baksheesh, sahib, baksheesh.

Corporate ass kissers among Democrats seem to be faring much better. Most already have enough boodle in their boxes to mount a respectable campaign in 2012. All have vowed to continue to provide welfare to corporations at taxpayer expense.

 

(Photo by Richard Webb who denies any association with this post).

March 12, 2011

OBAMA SELLING TEXAS!

Obama to transfer Texas to Mexico under terms of fast track trade agreement.

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A view of the Pentagon where plans are underway to start more wars.

UPW March 12, 2011

According to an unnamed White House source, who spoke under conditions of deep background, the Obama Administration and representatives of the Mexican government have been engaged in secret talks to arrange the sale of the state of Texas to Mexico for the sum of $2.4 trillion.

According to the source, the agreement between the two nations will take effect at noon Central Standard Time today.

Under the terms of the agreement, all Federal property would remain under the control of the United States Government for a period of ninety nine years. Control of conventional weapons would be transferred to the Mexican Armed Forces. Non-conventional weapons and the bases at which they are deployed would remain under U.S. control.

The administration is arranging for the transfer of the state under the terms of fast track trade legislation approved by Congress during the Bush Administration. Obama would also use authority granted to the president under signing statements President George W. Bush used to exempt the president from complying with Congressional legislation. Under these terms the president could bypass Congressional approval for the trade of Texas to Mexico.

The administration would use $1.4 trillion dollars gained from the trade to eliminate the current budget deficit.

To gain support from the Defense Department and defense industry officials and their lobbyists, Obama promised to use a trillion dollars to start another war.

The site of the war remains a secret and it would not begin until after Obama is reelected.

Leaks from the Pentagon however indicate planning is underway for an invasion and conquest of sub-Saharan Africa, a mineral rich region of the world that would give the United States control of a vast array of natural resources for centuries into the future.

According to the leaked information, the president has also gained the support of mining and other extraction industry officials. And informed sources report that Wall Street is elated by the prospect of more wars.

The White House source indicated the trade of Texas, a red state with 34 electoral votes, would almost ensure the president’s reelection.

Also revealed by the source are exploratory talks with representatives of Spain to trade Florida, a state likely to go Republican in 2012, and with the French government to trade red state Louisiana. The funds gained from trading these states would be used to finance wars.

For the first time in months the president appears excited about events moving forward in his administration.

Obama is reported to have said: “This is a lot better than dickering with Congress about some shit ass budget reductions.”

From UPW:  Printing tastelessly worthless news worldwide.

March 11, 2011

God Revealed To Be An Atheist!

From the Sardo Institute:

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Photos of buildings that have absolutely nothing to do with The Sardo Institute of Lame Humor.

Ever wonder about God. Well, wonder no more for scholars at the Sardo Institute have solved the mystery of the Almighty.

The good news: God exists.

The bad news: God is the CEO of heaven.


The good news: God loves working people.

The bad news: He only pays fifty cents an hour.


The good news: God is a Christian.

The bad news: He’s also a Republican.


The good news: God is an epicene.

The bad news: There are no dictionaries in heaven.


The good news: You can pray to God for help.

The bad news: God is an atheist.


Scientists at the Sardo Institute are examining a statement by a former congregant of the Church of Almighty Forgiveness who claims to have spoken with God for the third time in two years.

The excommunicated member repeated the words God revealed to him in sworn testimony given to scholars at the Institute.

God, he said, is an atheist. The Almighty reasoned that no Supreme Being could ever have created an animal that resembles a monkey and is as devious, greedy and murderous as the gorilla like creatures who call themselves humans.

Since God is aware that such a creature exists and denies any involvement in creating it, the Almighty insists that there must be some other accounting for the creature’s existence.

In the words of the former member of the Church of the Almighty, God put forth the following explanation: Since He had nothing to do with the creature nor the universe in which it exists, the monkey like animal is the result solely of a massive explosion of an infinitely dense singularity that occurred without beginning, without end and in and of itself.

Under the circumstances, a scholar from the Institute reported in a short thesis that as far as humans are concerned God is an atheist.

The study concluded with the statement: Hey, shit happens.

In a related development, scientists at the Institute have received a multimillion dollar government grant to study the belief that God is epicentric.

According to a recovering Catholic undergoing treatment at the Institute, God is indeed epicentric.

If that condition proves to be valid,  scholars posed the question: If God wants to get laid, can he screw himself?

The former Catholic now in rehab opined that he hoped God could do so because He’s certainly screwed us enough.


From the UPW newsroom: Reporting tastelessly trashy news worldwide.

March 11, 2011

PRESIDENT FOUND!

BULLETIN FROM UPW NEWSWIRE!

The Secret Service reported today that President Barack Obama was found safe on the White House grounds. Obama was discovered hiding under a bed in the Lincoln Bedroom

A statement issued from the White House indicated that the president was sick and tired of the budget debates in Congress and the mess in Wisconsin and couldn’t be bothered anymore.

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File photo of Barack Obama hard at work on budget issues.

Earlier reports that the president was lost in space or at the State Department messing around with Hillary proved to be unfounded.

 

From UPW:  Reporting tastelessly trashy news worldwide.

March 11, 2011

TUSH LOST IN AFRICA!

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View of the jungle area where Barack Obama is believed to have been born and where Tush Limpole is now missing. A search party is enroute to the tribe where Limpole issued his last communication with the outside world.

Right wing talk radio host Tush Limpole is reported missing in Africa.

According to a spokesman for Limpole, the radio host traveled to the Dark Continent in search of President Barack Obama’s real birth certificate.

The radio host departed from an undisclosed Caribbean Island where he was fellowshipping with a number of female companions. He landed in Nairobi the capital of the east African nation. From there he hired a caravan to move into the tribal regions deep in the interior of the country.

Tush was reportedly traveling with $250,000 in US currency.

Limpole was scheduled to meet with the chief of the Boowanga tribe who claims Barack Obama was born to the tribe and delivered by a tribal mdiwife. His birth was registered in Nairobi.

The meeting was delayed when the chief reneged on the original terms of the sale of the birth certificate insisting on an additional $50,000 before he handed over the document.

In his last dispatch, Limpole told associates that he was slated to meet with the chieftan in late afternoon. During a brief encounter Limpole described the chief as very tall and dressed in traditional tribal clothing which consisted of a very colorful headdress, a long, flowing, embroidered robe and a five hundred dollar pair of Ferragamo loafers.

Before he handed over any of the money, Limpole insisted on seeing the original certificate. He was then permitted to send a photocopy of the certificate to Nairobi for examination.

UPW news has obtained a copy of the copy and has transmitted it worldwide across its news wires. Experts in Nairobi have declared the certificate to be genuine. A copy of the document is reprinted below.

The whereabouts of Tush Limpole is as yet unknown.


Certificate of Birth

Issued this Fourth Day in the Month of August

In the Year One Thousand Nineteen Hundred and Sixty One

Nairobi, Kenya

 

Name of Child: Barack Hussein Obama

Name of Father: Barack Obama, Sr.

Name of Mother: White Lady

Sworn to me this Fourth Day of August One Thousand Nineteen Hundred and Sixty One.


Kareema Moustafa

Recorder of Births


Updates will follow as they become available.

From the UPW newsroom: Printing tastelessly trashy news across the planet



March 8, 2011

Palin Knows Africa a Continent

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Palin receives award in Geography from unidentified Army Officer.

UPW March 7, 2011.

A spokesperson for Sarah Palin said today that rumors that the former governor of Alaska didn’t know that Africa was a continent were outright lies.

It is true that the governor didn’t know the exact location of the continent but she presumed that it was located somewhere on the planet and as far as she was concerned that was close enough.

The spokesperson further stated that Palin could not locate Africa because she was missing Volume 1 of her set of Funk & Wagnalls, an encyclopedia she obtained as a premium for $2.50 for each book when shopping for groceries at a supermarket.

In a late development the White House issued a statement that President Obama had two copies of Volume 1 and would be willing to trade the volume for a copy of Volume 5, a book missing from the president’s set.

Palin indicated that she was open to the trade but insisted on getting $5.00 in exchange for the volume.

Representatives for the two sides met secretly and announced a compromise agreement. The president would give Palin Volume 1 in exchange for her copy of Volume 5 and in addition the president would make a one time payment of $5.00 after his representatives inspected and approved the volume.

From the UPW newsroom – printing tastelessly worthless news across the planet.

Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media.


March 7, 2011

Poor Caused Great Recession!

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Foreclosure victim accused of using threats and torture to force bankers to sign mortgage papers.


According to reports issued by right wing media sources, poor people are to blame for the Great Republican Recession.

A source who wishes to remain anonymous revealed today that poor people threatened bankers and mortgage brokers with torture in order to force them to make billions upon billions of dollars in fees by issuing subprime mortgages.

A sworn statement from a broker who issued thousands of subprime mortgages declared that poor people threatened him with such medieval devices as waterboarding and bone stretching if the broker would not sign the mortgage documents. Another broker testified that poor people actually held loaded guns to his head on numerous occasions compelling him to sign the documents.

In a related development, right wing media personality Tush Limpole declared in a statement from an undisclosed location in the Caribbean that he has the written testimony from hundreds of persons involved in the torture threats that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the poor forced rich bankers to earn untold billions in fees by threatening bankers with torture if they did not sign the papers.

Mr. Limpole, who issued his statement from an undisclosed island resort where he is fellowshipping with a half dozen of his favorite female consorts, indicated that he would reveal names as soon as he completed his fellowshipping obligations and returned to the states.

In an interview with a perpetrator accused of threatening the use of weapons of mass destruction to secure a mortgage, the suspect stated that he never used threats or force and the only weapon of mass destruction he ever saw was the cheap pen the broker handed him to sign the papers. And he had to give the pen back.

The accused stated that after he signed the mortgage the broker told him to go pick out a $300,000 house and phone him with the address and he could move in the morning.

Updates will follow from the UPW newsroom as they become available.

Unreliable Press Worldwide – Surpassing the Mainstream Media.

(Photo courtesy of Taremu who denies any association with this post).

March 7, 2011

OBAMA LOST IN SPACE!

Hello, Barack. Barack, are you there? Come in, Barack.

Houston, we have a problem. Barack Obama is lost in space.

BULLETIN!

From UPW: Printing tastelessly useless news from across the planet.

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FEAR MOUNTS PRESIDENT MAY HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED.

The Secret Service began a frantic search for President Obama this morning without results.


An agent reported the missing president to chief of staff William Daley.

The chief of staff, sitting with his feet propped up on the desk playing Sudoku on his Blackberry, told the agent to call the State Department. This is the day the president sneaks over there to play checkers with Hillary. “And I wouldn’t mention the leadership thing if I were you. It really pisses him off.”

Obama finally located on State Department grounds having fun with Hillary.

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March 6, 2011

Reagan Was Right!

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The hair of the dog is a challenge even to presidents. I wonder what earth shattering decision he made the next morning.

And a top o’ the morning to ya, me boy.


 

 

Ronald Reagan’s most famous quotation was:  “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’

And Reagan was right.  He was from the government and his eight years as president are among the most terrifying of any president in recent memory.  His administration did more damage to the American dream than any with the exception of GWB.

Reagan was right only once.  Sadly for him, he could not match the record of a broken clock, which of course is right twice each day.


From the UPW newsroom.  Printing tastelessly trashy news from across the globe.

Breaking News from UPW: Surpassing the Mainstream Media.

From Pasta Fagioli, Italy. The Nobella Prize Committee is about to announce this year’s winner of the Schmuckup Prize in Economics. UPW is on site awaiting the announcement.


March 5, 2011

Sheen to Haiti. Sends Harem Ahead!

UPW. March 5, 2011.

Charlie Sheen departed for Haiti today following closely behind a chartered superjumbo Airbus A380 double-decker airliner rumored to have aboard a coterie of Mr. Sheen’s favorite female companions.

Mr. Sheen spent a total of eleven hours and twenty-four minutes kissing the ladies on the cheek and wishing each a safe trip before he himself boarded a specially designed Gulfstream G650 jet liner for his flight to the island nation.

Before departing Mr. Sheen waved to a crowd of well-wishers who had gathered at the airport terminal to see him off. Members of the crowd carried signs of support for Mr. Sheen reading “Creep”, “Jerk” and “Good Riddance”. Many held up their middle fingers in a display of fan loyalty seldom witnessed at the terminal.

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Throng of Sheen fans bidding farewell at airport.

Mr. Sheen issued a statement thanking his fans for the support they showed during his recent travails and assured the cheering throng that he was traveling to Haiti to help alleviate the distress among the Haitians in any way he could and that the ladies who preceded him were going there in an expression of brotherly love and were eager to fellowship with Mr. Sheen at every opportunity.

Updates to follow from the UPW newsroom.

Unreliable Press Worldwide.

Printing tastelessly cheap news is our business.


Bulletin from the UPW newsroom.


Charlie Sheen departs for Haiti. Mr. Sheen issued a statement saying the ladies of Haiti must truly be excited.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost


March 5, 2011

Schmuckup Nominees Announced

Pasta Fagioli, Italy. UPW. March 4, 2011

From the UPW news wire. The Nobella Prize Committee has just announced the nominations for this year’s Schmuckup Award in economics. The nominees are:

George W. Bush: for not knowing jack shit about economics for the entire eight years of his presidency.

Ronald Reagan: for developing and implementing the Pisson Theory of Economics.

Alan Greenspan: for knowing jack shit about economics and screwing up beyond all reason anyway and who is, according to Matt Taibbi, the biggest Asshole in the Universe.

Bill Clinton: for signing NAFTA, appointing Robert Rubin and Larry Summers as Treasury secretaries and then arrogantly and stupidly signing deregulation legislation.

Barack Obama: for developing the Hopey Changey Theory of Economics that would reinstate FDR’s cherished New Deal and then abandoning the theory as soon as he woke up after the election of 2008, even before he lit up his first cigarette.

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A photo of the originator of the Nobella Prize Don Alfredo Vito Nobella.

According to a spokesman for the nominating committee The Schmuckup Award is an honor that isn’t given to just anybody. Deserving recipients must exhibit an overpowering inclination to deceive, defraud, corrupt, be corrupted or act in a stupid, arrogant or ignorant manner. That should leave the field wide open according to the spokesman, government, politics, sports, entertainment, the possibilities are unlimited. But remember, the spokesman reminded the group of reporters, it’s not enough for a nominee to be a schmuck up. There are thousands of those in Washington DC alone. A truly deserving winner has to be a dumb schmuck up.

The winner of the award will receive a certificate describing the achievement that earned the distinction along with the honor of having his name engraved in the polished granite monument contributed to the Nobella Committee by the Sardo Institute of Lame Humor. Since citizens across the globe have rejected offering their communities as a site for the location of the monument honoring recipients of The Schmuckup Award in Economics, the Nobella Committee decided to place the granite stones in Pasta Fagioli, Italy, a village buried deep in the Italian Alps and the current site of the committee’s hideout.

The winner will also receive a forged autographed copy of a photograph of Don Alfredo Vito Nobella, the originator of the award.

Prizes are awarded while supplies last.

Stand by for updates from the UPW newsroom.

Unreliable Press Worldwide.

Surpassing the Mainstream Media.


March 2, 2011

SCIENTISTS UNEARTH NEW HUMAN SPECIES!

Breaking News from the UPW newsroom. Dateline Mar. 3, 2011.

Paleontologists at the City University of Misanthropy announced today the discovery of a new species of human being. The scientists revealed the existence of an honest elected official in Washington DC.

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File photo of the laboratory complex where the new species has been confined.

The official, who wishes to remain anonymous, has presented unassailable evidence that he has never taken a dime’s worth of baksheesh from corrupt Wall Street executives, greedy corporate CEOs or degenerate lobbyists all of whom have disgraced the city from Capitol Hill to the White House.

The lead scientist of the discovery expedition, Dr. Heironymous Mercantius, head of the school’s Department of Misogyny, believes the creature they have discovered resembles homo sapiens in every detail with the exception that it elicits remarkable honesty in matters affecting government and politics.

Officials from CUM – a for-profit school that describes itself as a provider of exceptional educational opportunities for society’s misfits – have named the new human species Politicianus Honestius.

Papers found among the creature’s belongings indicate that he is currently a member of the U.S House of Representatives and has been re-elected by the voters of his state every two years for the last twenty years. In some years the creature stated he wasn’t even running.

When informed that an honest politician from his state had been discovered in the environs of Washington DC, the governor of Mississippi, the Hon. Bailey Harbour retorted: “That’s bullshit.”

School officials announced that they have isolated the gene that induces honesty and efforts are now underway to duplicate what scientists are calling the most significant mutation in human history.

It is not known whether the gene is infectious to the human subspecies but scientists believe the single cell is imbedded in a transparent plasma which resembles an organism that may be bonded to the gene in a symbiotic relationship. In tests in laboratory mice the gene bearing plasma has shown a remarkable ability to bond with other cells in the body and in a process not yet fully understood the plasma then replicates the mutant gene. Once bonding occurred the new organism could not be detected by the immune systems in the mice used in the experiment. Scientists also noted that the organism can become airborne and be transmitted between mice making the newly discovered gene contagious among the laboratory animals.

The only difference noted in the behavior of the mice, according to the scientists, was an inexplicable propensity to share food with other mice.

The discovery of an organism that could render politicians honest has lobbyists on K Street in the nation’s capital in a frenzy. Fear is spreading that release of the organism among what scientists now consider the lower species of humans could infect the entire political establishment and create havoc in government circles.

Reporters were being denied access to the site where the subject was discovered by CUM security officers and were also prevented from entering the building where the laboratory experiments were being conducted. CUM was everywhere and blocked all entrances and exits according to press reports streaming from the CUM campus.

The subject who scientists are now certain represents a new human species was being held in isolation in the science building which was placed in a virtual lock down condition to prevent reporters from gaining access to the subject.

A CUM scientist whose field of study is misogyny reveled in the fact that the new species was male while a professor from the Department of Misandry lamented the apparent maleness of the subject and insisted that further DNA testing would be necessary to confirm the sex of the new species.

Meanwhile, reports are pouring into the UPW newsroom of offers amounting to hundreds of millions of dollars by corporations and their lobbyists to purchase the rights to the new gene. A Wall Street CEO declared that the gene and the mysterious organism associated with it must be isolated and destroyed before it infects the entire human race. The CEO, who spoke under conditions of anonymity, stated the gene represents the greatest threat to humanity since Eve took a bite of the apple.

An official speaking on behalf of the university said CUM is going to make a load on this one.

Updates will be reported as soon as they become available to UPW.


Unreliable Press Worldwide. Surpassing the Mainstream Media.