Archive for April 4th, 2011

April 4, 2011


Eric Cantor Will Share the Schmuckup Prize in Honesty

The Nobella Pizza Prize Committee today awarded the Schmuckup Prize in Honesty to Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. Cantor will share the prize with US Representative Paul Ryan (R-WI)

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Eric Cantor smiling for constitutents.

Cantor won his share of the award for telling the truth about Republican plans to destroy Social Security. The congressman stated that the most popular social program in the history of the United States “cannot exist if we want America to be what we want it to be.” He thus becomes the first right wing extremist to admit publicly that the goal of the GOP is to eliminate Social Security entirely.

To earn his part of the prize, Congressman Ryan fessed up about the great right wing conspiracy to destroy Medicare and to leave the elderly who cannot afford profit health insurance bereft of health care in their declining years.

According to the Nobella Committee, the benefits and outcomes of the plan will be varied and committee members took special notice of the forthrightness expressed by both Republican extremists and by their determination to stand by their words.

Using statements gathered from right wing supporters of the congressmen, the committee concluded that as a result of the plan seniors will be privileged to pass on to their final reward in dignity as they quietly die of starvation.

Others outcomes will allow the elderly to quickly and painlessly freeze to death in unheated apartments or on the street if inability to afford rent forces eviction.

To prepare the states for the eventuality of the elderly suddenly dropping dead, the plan put forth by the right wing extremists would require local governments to remove dead bodies from the streets within eight hours so as not to inconvenience wealthy commuters on their drive to work. In order to eliminate Federal interference in state and local governments, the manner in which the corpses are disposed of will be left up to local authorities.

The committee offered its heartiest congratulations to Eric Cantor and Paul Ryan for their honesty in finally presenting a workable plan to achieve a balanced budget for their country by robbing the middle class of their Social Security; cheating the elderly out of their health care and advising the poor to take two aspirin when ill and if they are not feeling better in three or four months to take two more aspirin. The committee noted that the plan included a generous subsidy for retailers who sold aspirin.

As always, the prize awarded to all recipients is a forged autographed reproduction of a photograph of Don Alfredo Vito Nobella, the founder of the prize. In addition, winners will receive a commemorative statuette called the Schmuckbar with the inscription “schmucked up beyond all reason.”  The statuette is sculpted from rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The prizes are awarded while supplies last and unfortunately for our two recent winners, the supplies just ran out.

The Nobella Committee wishes to remind all those who submit names for consideration for the prize that it is not enough for a nominee to be a schmuckup. There are thousands of those in Washington DC alone. To be a truly deserving winner a nominee has to be a dumb schmuckup.

This report comes to you from the UPW newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.