Archive for April 6th, 2011

April 6, 2011


Nobella Committee Awards Honesty Prize to Former Speaker of the US House of Representatives.

File:William J. Clinton Inaugural address.jpg

The Newster seen in the background here still disgruntled at the thought of Bill Clinton’s reelection.

Pasta Fagioli, Italy April 6, 2011.

The Nobella Pizza Prize Committee announced from its hideout deep in the Italian Alps that it has awarded its Schmuckup Prize in Honesty to former US House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

The Committee based its decision on the fact that Gingrich has admitted having at least two affairs during his two previous marriages. The Committee also considered Newt’s defense of his actions. To reinforce his standing as a values oriented Republican the former speaker reiterated that the women he had his affairs with eventually became his new wives after divorces from his previous wives became final.

Also considered was the fact that Gingrich received forgiveness for his affairs from a rich radio preacher in the US.

Gingrich, who has been the poster boy for adultery for years, has denied ever having belonged to an organization known as Adulterers Anonymous. And he said upon hearing of the award that he has decided to take up a new pastime.

The speaker said that for the next several months he will be focusing his energies on the study of college basketball. He hopes to be able to compete with President Barack Obama early in 2012 by picking a winning bracket in the sport’s March Madness tournament.

To further his studies of the intricacies of the sport, Gingrich is reported to have purchased a volume entitled Basketball for Idiots. The speaker is confident that he can defeat Obama in the 2012 bracket selections.

The AA group of which Gingrich has denied any association was founded by a former associate who was having problems hooking up with women of like-minded interests, The associate, whose name cannot be revealed under the guidelines of the AA’s policy, stated that the association’s purpose is to assist members who wish to engage in affairs find suitable partners while their identities remain strictly confidential.

A spokesman for Gingrich stated that the former speaker knows nothing of any such association, was never a member and is anxious to put his past behind him so that he can get on with the Republican business of destroying Social Security and Medicare for middle class Americans.

As always, the prize awarded to all recipients is a forged autographed reproduction of a photograph of Don Alfredo Vito Nobella, the founder of the prize. In addition, winners will receive a commemorative statuette called the Schmuckbar with the inscription “schmucked up beyond all reason.”  The statuette is sculpted from rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The prizes are awarded while supplies last and unfortunately for our recent winner, the supplies just ran out.

The Nobella Committee wishes to remind all those who submit names for consideration for the prize that it is not enough for a nominee to be a schmuckup. There are thousands of those in Washington DC alone. To be a truly deserving winner a nominee has to be a dumb schmuckup.

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