Archive for April 18th, 2011

April 18, 2011


Obama Defies Congress and Wins in Showdown.

President Barack Obama signed into law today a bill passed by Congress that would tax US corporations at a rate of 10%. The new rate represents the lowest in the Western world but the impact of the law has roiled markets across the entire financial landscape.

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Wall Street forced to pay fair share of taxes. Bankers panic.

The new legislation would levy the tax on gross profits and eliminate all corporate deductions for expenses.

President Obama was expected to veto the act in exchange for a promise of campaign cash needed to finance the 2012 race which is expected to cost candidates upwards of one billion dollars each.

Congress however called the president’s veto bluff and forced his hand. Corporations will now be compelled to pay their fair share of the US tax burden.

Also incorporated into the law is a five per cent a year reduction in the defense budget for five years and an immediate cessation of hostilities in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The president then announced a break in diplomatic relations with all countries that provide tax havens to any corporations doing business in the United States or its territories. All travel between the US, the Cayman Islands and Bermuda has been terminated effective immediately. All airline schedules have been canceled and planes scheduled to take off for those destinations have been grounded.

Electronic communications between the US and these countries have been disrupted by the NSA and financial transactions halted. Assets have been frozen and transfers of funds prohibited.

Obama issued an ultimatum to other countries that provide havens for US corporations to desist immediately or similar actions would be instituted against them within twenty four hours.

The law also levies a tiny fee on all financial transactions and the president invited the governments of other countries to take similar actions and declared that any government that attempts to interfere with the policies enacted under the new law would face appropriate retaliation.

Reports from stock markets were streaming into newsrooms across the globe. Reactions ranged from frantic to outright panic and news organizations are reporting major outbreaks of severe illnesses in all financial capitals.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City declared an emergency and ordered pharmacies across the five boroughs to begin immediate deliveries of smelling salts to Wall Street.

Bankers, CEOs and stock brokers were reportedly falling over into a dead faint. Tremors from the collapsing bodies in the financial district could be felt as far away as Hoboken, NJ. Many executives were observed in a state of catatonic shock. Emergency vehicles and Medevac helicopters were ordered to the scene. ER rooms in hospitals throughout the city were reporting throngs of high level executives in various states of distress filling facilities to overflowing and stretching capacities to the breaking point. Emergency rooms as far away as Bayonne and Hackensack, NJ were alerted and preparing to receive stricken executives.

Hospitals in cities across the United States were reporting a similar influx of frantic executives suffering from a set of symptoms ranging from serious to severe. The symptoms afflicting the patients included dizziness, difficulty breathing and chest pains. Some were reporting a severe burning sensation in the pit of the stomach.

On a positive note, Obama said the new law should eliminate the deficit in a week or two.

From the UPW Newsroom. Reporters filing this story logged it under the category Unmitigated Bullshit.

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