FIRST GROUP PUTZIE AWARDED

The Nobella Prize Committee issued its first collective Putzie in the history of the award. The MVP prize was given to American CEOs and senior executives who greedily enriched themselves and their wealthy stockholders by introducing innovation into the marketplace and discovering new methods to generate historic levels of profit for themselves and a handful of wealthy investors.

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Today’s executive is a throwback to a previous era when the Barons of yesteryear cruelly exploited men, women and children in a quest to achieve personal enrichment without regard to human suffering – a quality the Committee applauds by awarding the Pubar to the modern stalwarts of the capitalist juggernaut.

UPW reporter Marcy Popindick was on the scene in Pasta Fagioli, Italy when the Prize Committee issued this statement: “We hear from conservatives, libertarians and disciples of Ayn Rand that private enterprise would be far more efficient at running just about every government program including Social Security, Medicare, the Postal Service, the War-Making Department, regulatory agencies and all other endeavors in which government is now involved.

“CEOs, senior executives and other leaders from the business community possess the talent to raise the standard of government efficiency to levels that can only be achieved in private industry. Therefore, we must agree that government would benefit from privatization accompanied by competition in a free market.”

The Committee compiled a list – noting that it was the very briefest of lists – of companies from whose experience government might indeed benefit. The talented executives associated with these businesses would bring the valuable skills they learned operating a venture in a competitive marketplace with them and apply those skills to inefficient and wasteful government programs.

A partial listing of the companies singled out by the Committee is noted below:

  • Enron
  • World Com
  • Washington Mutual
  • Wachovia
  • Countrywide Mortgage
  • Bear Stearns
  • Lehman Brothers
  • Merrill Lynch
  • Adelphia
  • Arthur Andersen
  • Global Crossing

That’s a list of some of the really big ones, Ms. Popindick noted in her report  Here’s another list of smaller companies that have filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection or Chapter 7 liquidation:

  • Ryan’s Family Steakhouse
  • Fortunoff’s
  • Goody’s
  • Whitehall Jewelers
  • Circuit City
  • Bi-Lo
  • Winn-Dixie

Now here is a list of businesses that have closed at least 300 stores in just 2009 alone:

  • General Motors 2639
  • Blockbuster 960
  • Chrysler 789
  • Circuit City 567
  • KB Toys 461
  • Movie Gallery (Hollywood Video) 450
  • Ritz Camera 365

Many of the executives who managed these companies are available for immediate hire. A common denominator among them is that they achieved enormous wealth personally enriching themselves by bringing their companies to the very pinnacle of success – before they all flamed out like a hydrogen filled blimp.

There’s no reason these executives could not bring the same level of success to government programs.

Multimillion dollar salaries plus bonuses are required. Executives selected as CEOs will expect to appoint boards of directors of their choosing and government funding is mandatory.

In return for taxpayer assistance selected CEOs will agree to replace flesh on the bones of the middle class they have been picking clean for the last thirty years.

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Former members of the middle class who voted to elect government officials at every level who supported the American capitalist model that seeks to pick clean the bones of the working class in order to enrich the lucky few.

The Committee also began compiling a list of companies whose CEOs had gained untold riches by exploiting young workers in Asian countries. But the list of these wage slavers was so long the members gave up in utter frustration and decided to offer awards at a later date.

Winners of the Most Valuable Putz award receive a statuette named the Pubar engraved with the words “putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie the statuette is made of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winners supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

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