Archive for May, 2011

May 31, 2011

PIZZA PRIZE AWARDED

The Nobella Prize Committe announced this year’s winner in the pizza category. In a press release from its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy the Committee proclaimed Muammar’s New York Style Pizza Restaurant in Peshawar, Pakistan as the winner of the award.

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One of the many fine dishes served at Muammar’s family oriented restaurant.

The restaurant was once part of a franchise owned by the Libyan government. The current ownership is uncertain. However, it is believed the family dining place is now operated through a joint venture agreement between the American CIA and the Israeli Mossad. The British MI6 is also thought to be a part owner.

Among locals the restaurant has come to be called the “spy cantina.” However, despite several high profile shootouts in the vicinity, the restaurant retains its appeal as a family dining venue.

It is also thought that Navy Seals frequent the establishment where nearby residents insist a number of assassination plots of prominent government officials and other world renowned figures have been hatched.

The restaurant is noted for the great assortment of pizza pies it offers including one that contains five varieties of mountain goat cheese and a special sauce on a sesame seed crust.

Also offered is a wide choice of pasta dishes available with meat selections obtained from local fauna such as Marco Polo sheep and Ibex goats. Ravioli stuffed with chopped mongoose is a local favorite.

File:Cantina Villa Franca.JPG A view of Muammar’s taken at a distance of several hundred yards with a telephoto lens. It is believed that wine is being fermented in the stainless steel tanks.

In addition to chicken and turkey, the establishment offers such fowl varieties as crow, hawk, falcon and eagle when the latter are in season.

Marinara sauce is a favorite. However a dozen meat flavored sauces are available. They simmer from the early morning hours with the meats noted above. Another popular choice is a sauce flavored with the corpse of a King Cobra snake when that delicacy is available. Meat lovers pizzas can be ordered with any combination of the varieties mentioned.

A surprise to foreign visitors is a menu that boasts country fried steak, Southern fried chicken and Western omelets with a side of grits.

The Nobella Committee noted that it was with great pride that it offered its Pizza Prize to Muammar’s New York Style Pizza Restaurant and Spy Cantina.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.


May 30, 2011

EX PRES WINS SCHMUCKUP AWARD

From its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy, the Nobella Pizza Prize Committee has just announced the winner of The Schmuckup Award. Former president William Jefferson Clinton, also known as Wild Willy, has been honored with the prize.

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The official portrait of the third worst president in recent history now hangs in the East Room of the White House.


In its award letter, the Committee noted the president’s numerous accomplishments while in office. Of particular note was Clinton’s signing of NAFTA which brought untold profits to American global corporations and enhanced earnings and bonuses for Wall Street investment banks and CEOs.

The Committee noted that the president proceeded boldly often disregarding advice from supporters who warned that the agreement would cost jobs in both the US and Mexico. As high wage jobs gushed to the cheap labor regions south of the border causing high unemployment among middle class workers, corporations increased earnings astronomically. At the same time agricultural conglomerates flooded Mexican markets with farm products that drove millions of farmers off the land and forced hungry immigrants to illegally cross the border to the north in a race for survival. Under no circumstances could this brave president be persuaded that NAFTA would cause huge disruptions in both economies as he courageously charged ahead.

Clinton also earned high praise for his appointments to the Treasury Department. Wall Street was elated when Goldman Sachs CEO Robert Rubin was named secretary and Larry Summers his assistant. Both men were avid deregulationists and pushed for passage of the Gramm-Bliley-Leach Act which destroyed the separation of investment and commercial banking by overturning the New Deal’s Glass-Steagall law.

Again the president proceeded boldly against warnings that his actions were irresponsible and could unleash an upheaval in the banking and housing industries. The Great Recession that began in 2007 resulted directly from his actions but Clinton has maintained steadfastly that deregulation was not a cause of the recession that resulted in millions of foreclosures, the loss of millions of jobs and a costly government bailout of reckless Wall Street banks.

The economic dislocations caused by the president’s two Treasury appointments continue to the present day and observers have branded Rubin and Summers as the worst Treasury secretaries since Warren Harding tapped Andrew Mellon to serve in that post. Clinton however continues to praise his two former advisers.

The president was also eager to destroy Social Security as it is now structured. He instructed his chief of staff, the aristocrat Erskine Bowles, to negotiate with then Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, an overhaul of the most successful social program in the history of the United States.

Except for a global scandal brought on by a dalliance with a White House intern and the impeachment proceedings that followed, Clinton might well have initiated the demise of the popular safety net program.

And so to the third worst president in recent US history – right behind George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan – the Committee grants the prestigious Schmuckup Award.

Winners of The Schmuckup Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. In addition, winners are given the coveted statuette called The Little Schmucky engraved with the words “Schmucked up beyond all reason.” The Little Schmucky is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. All prizes are awarded while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

May 30, 2011

GOD MAKES THE SUN STAND STILL

Not too many people have heard of the battle of Gibeon. Probably because nobody ever wrote a song about it. Like, ya know, the battle of Jericho and the walls came a tumblin’ down.  But maybe someday though, who can tell.

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Joshua wins another one. But look who he has on his side.

Gibeon is the battle where God made the sun stand still to provide extra daylight so Joshua could kill lots more people.

You’ve probably heard stories about this ancient fight. Well, as you might have guessed, those stories are not exactly true. Here is how it really happened as translated from the Greek into the Rasaphramian language by Rasaphram, a three-eyed monk from the ancient tribe of the Rasaphrites. A scholar in ancient languages who resides at The Sardo Institute translated from Rasaphramian into English. The translation below is the true story of this ancient battle.  

Of course, Joshua screwed up again.  It was in his nature.  There he was on the day of the battle, curled up in bed, passed out from drinking all that good wine and smoking that stuff from Egypt that he never paid for. And women, all over the place, you wouldn’t believe how many.

God was fit to be tied and fed up.  But He knew He had placed all His eggs in one basket (another modern phrase whose origin we can trace back to the Old Testament) and that He was stuck with this schmuck.  

So what was He to do?  He woke him up, shook him violently back and forth and up and down and forced some coffee down his throat.

And then God said, “Wake up asshole, you got a battle to fight today.”

So an hour later, Joshua could stand up by himself.  He called for his horse and wagon and ordered pillows and blankets so he could lie down while the battle was going on. After all he’s a general and he has privileges.

Joshua went outside and looked around, saw the sun was setting and decided it was too late to start a fight and besides he wasn’t feeling too good so he went back into his tent for a smoke.  Ya know, the good stuff.

Not enough daylight left,” he said to God.  “Fuggetaboutit.  It can wait.  And besides I can’t attack Gibeon because I signed a peace treaty with them.”

You signed a peace treaty?  Who told you to sign a peace treaty?

They tricked me.  I signed a peace treaty.”

You’re an idiot,” God said.

So I screwed up.  It’s too late now.  What are you gonna do, fire me.  But don’t worry about it.  I made them all slaves and their happy.  I coulda killed them, ya know.  Look, it’s late, the sun’s going down, it’s getting dark, go take a nap.  You’ll feel better in the morning.”

Such a jerk.” Then He told Joshua that there are huge armies coming to Gibeon led by King Adoni-zedek and King Hoham and a few others with such names not even God could pronounce.

Don’t be an idiot, do what I say. Get the army together and you’ll have enough daylight, I promise.”

And just how are you gonna do that, Smart Guy.”

Oh, so you’re still a wise guy.  I’ll tell you how I’m gonna do that, I’m gonna stop the sun in the sky, that’s how.”

You can do that?”

Of course, I can do that, I’m God.  The sun will stand still, you’ll have enough daylight.  You can kill everybody.  Not a problem.”

Now God told Joshua that the enemy had 50,000 troops and 10,000 chariots. He said, “You take 1000 of your very best men and lead them against the armies of those kings with the daffy names.”

Joshua looked up at God through his bloodshot eyes and said, “Are you shittin’me?”

Joshua, you’re gonna win.  Trust me this one time and you’ll become one of the greatest generals in history.”

I prayed for this day, ya know,”  Joshua said.

I know, I know.  Don’t screw it up.”

Now here’s a very important lesson to remember.  Back in those ancient days, even God didn’t know that the sun already stood still in the sky and that the earth moved around the sun.  He didn’t know because Galileo and Copernicus and all those other smart guys with the funny names weren’t born yet.

But somehow God made the day longer, how it doesn’t matter, just so Joshua had enough daylight so he could win the battle over all the armies that came to Gibeon.  And when the armies ran away so that not even Joshua could catch them, God sent a hailstorm and killed them all.  Then Joshua captured all the cities in the land of milk and honey and everybody lived happily ever after except for all those people who lived in the cities Joshua conquered. They got killed.

And that’s the true story of Joshua and the battle of Gibeon as translated from the Greek by Rasaphram the three-eyed monk from the ancient tribe of the Rasaphrites. A scholar from The Sardo Institute who wishes to remain anonymous translated from ancient Rasaphramian into English.

I think it loses a little something in the translation though.

May 29, 2011

BACHMANN TO DECLARE

Well, I declare. Bachmann to declare. The representative from Minnesota has reportedly decided that she’s running for president. She will apparently throw her hat into the ring somewhere in the state of Iowa, her place of birth.

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Michelle Bachmann for President.  The candidate said she really, really does know where Concord and that other place are located.

No way she can win the nomination though. The big money boys in the GOP are all right wing extremists. You know, the hate women types.

Well, they only hate women up to a point. After all, they are accustomed to putting the ladies to good use running errands, cleaning up after them and satisfying basic urges from time to time. Although in the latter case they are generous. Like, ya know, buying a half million dollars worth of jewelry.

You can’t say the rich don’t know how to treat their sex objects right. They enjoy showering them with: expensive Italian sports cars, expensive jewelry, vacations on the Riviera, expensive jewelry, million dollar birthday parties, expensive jewelry. But they would never buy a woman the presidency.

Sorry about that. Michelle. 

May 26, 2011

TWINKIES SELL LIKE HOT CAKES

Korea Free Trade Agreement to increase trade between the US and Korea. Opportunities for jobs and new businesses abound.

Bun anyone?

The Korea Free Trade Agreement promises to increase trade between the two countries by leaps and bounds. Tariffs would be lowered for Korean motor vehicles and heavy machinery and for the US on such goods as wheat and orange juice.

Orange Juice!!! Say again.

Yep, that’s right. Orange juice. The KFTA promises to dramatically lower the tariff on good old American orange juice. A container of OJ now selling at $22.00 and change would have its price lowered to about $14.00.

WOW! How could I have been so wrong about trade agreements. Why, think of the possibilities.

Are you an unemployed orange juice salesman who speaks Korean fluently? Step right up. There could be a job waiting.

And for all you unemployed folks in Michigan, get your orange pickin’ shoes on and head for the groves.

And let’s not forget our bright eyed and bushy tailed entrepreneurs in that great Great Lake state. It’s time to invest in an OJ business. Better hurry though. This opportunity won’t last long. Lotsa people interested.

And Holy Arithmetic, OJman! Think of the multiplier effect for jobs this trade agreement could bring to the economy. There’s the never before heard of Certified Orange Squeezer. And community colleges could offer a two year program and hire fired teachers. A textbook for the course would go for at least ninety bucks. Great for the printing industry. Hiring would start the day the agreement was signed into law. Add in the pickin’ jobs and I’ll bet the unemployment rate would drop one tenth of one half of one percent. If we’re really really lucky maybe two tenths. Or would that be one fifth. Speaking of a fifth, some wild eyed inventor might even come up with an alcoholic beverage made from orange skins. And why not? Such beverages are made from rye, corn and potatoes aren’t they? Start saving up all those skins.

What’s that you say. There are no orange groves in Michigan. Well, get some seed, fool and start planting.

OK, OK, I get it already. The climate’s not right so oranges won’t grow in Michigan. You guys are really having a string of bad luck.

But let’s not get discouraged. Maybe we can make a deal on bakery goods. Hot cross buns, anyone?

Oh, sorry. Wrong kinda buns.          (Photo courtesy of Savaman via Flickr).

Hey!  What about a Twinkie business?


Selling U.S.-Korea Trade Deal Calls for Common Sense « Third Way Perspectives

You can read an article on KFTA at Third Way.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c6/Beautiful_Buns_in_beautiful_string-bikinis_part_II.jpg.  Courtesy Savaman.  

May 23, 2011

LIPSTICK DUO WINS MVP

The GOP sister tag team of Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann has been awarded the Most Valuable Putz Prize by the Nobella Pizza Prize Committee.

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Sarah Palin on the road to nowhere.

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Michelle Bachmann for President.


The surprise announcement came today from the committee’s hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy. The award was unexpected because both women have won previously. Bachmann won a Putzie in history for her statement that the American Revolution began in the New Hampshire towns of Lexington and Concord. She quickly corrected herself and blamed the entire incident on a Teleprompter error.

Palin won the Schmuckup Prize in geography for her discovery of the location of the continent of Africa. “Somewhere on the planet Earth,” she is reported to have said. The committee felt that was close enough and awarded the former beauty queen the geography prize.

The committee gave today’s prize to the Lipstick Duo for their perseverance toward a goal for which both women are openly lusting. They want to be the first female president of United States.

The drive of this duo has been remarkable in the face of insurmountable obstacles not the least of which is that the payoff money boys would never buy the office for a woman.

The big boys in the GOP are arch conservatives who believe women were put on this earth to do their chores and run errands. And that’s exactly how they intend to treat our Lipstick Duo.

And why shouldn’t they. After all that’s how they treated Obama and also Bush and Clinton before him. Why should the ladies be any different?

Of course the big money can smoke cigars with the male presidents whose offices they pay for and maybe that makes a difference.

So in its award letter, the committee offered this piece of advice to the two women: Start smoking cigars.

In any case, the Putzie goes to these two brave, if slightly flighty, heroines of the GOP.

Winners of the MVP award receive a statuette named the Pubar engraved with the words “putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie the statuette is made of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winners supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

May 22, 2011

AN IDLE MIND

An idle mind is the devil’s workshop. So is a dirty mind.

I should know.  I’ve been cultivating one for years.

Here’s another in the Corruptus Maximus series of dirty pictures. Hope you like it.

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This magnificent work of art is entitled The Birth of Venus. It was painted in 1863 by Alexandre Cabanel and is on display at the Musee d’Orsay in Paris.                        

Well, it’s Sunday and I’m off to church.

Funny thing. God’s never there.                                                                                                               

May 21, 2011

MAXIMUS MEETS MARS

Been hiding behind the Red Planet  since midnight. The world is supposed to end at 6 PM but I plan to give it a few more hours just in case there’s been a slight miscalculation. Should be back in time for breakfast though.

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That’s me in the upper central portion of the picture. I’m the little black dot. Photo was taken about an hour before I ducked behind the Red Planet awaiting the destruction of Earth. Brrrrr, it’s cold.

May 21, 2011

CANDIDATE PRACTICES REMOVING FOOT FROM MOUTH

The most worrisome aspect for Obama about a Romney candidacy is that Romney seems to be a likable guy. An awful lot of independents will vote for a candidate because they “like” him even if it means cutting their own throats

File:US Navy 050520-N-4549D-002 USS John F. Kennedy (CV 67) Commanding Officer, Capt. Dennis E. Fitzpatrick, gives the Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney a tour of the conventionally powered aircraft carrier's flight deck.jpg

Mitt Romney pictured on the aircraft carrier Kennedy. The candidate is beset by a genetic disorder. He can’t keep his foot out of his mouth.

George Bush was a likable guy. How many times did I hear or read “Who is the guy you’d most like to have a beer with?” Just enough times to get Bush elected.

And if Romney campaigned in a pick up truck he could easily pick up enough pick up truck votes to win.

Hey, buy a ranch in Texas and the guy can’t lose.

His handlers would have to get him a fail-safe Teleprompter however just in case he forgot his lines. He definitely has a bad case of foot in mouth syndrome and it needs to be controlled.  He’s had to pull his foot out so many times now he could give lessons and he’s wearing out the soles.

Maybe he just needs some more practice.

May 15, 2011

SERIOUS DISCUSSION OF MEDICARE REFORM PLANS

Jon “Orange Pekoe” Erradicat, a Tea Party favorite, appeared today on the Wolf News Network Sunday talk fest File A Report Today starring Biff Bluster.

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According to Erradicat’s reform plan for Medicare, seniors who could not afford nursing home care would be provided with tents and a weekly visit from a health care professional. Food would be furnished by a local roach coach.

Erradicat is the president of a right wing think tank Going Bust. He is an advocate of voucher programs for both Medicare and Social Security and believes that government subsidies for both programs would encourage insurance companies to offer suitable plans to cover health care and provide for retirement security. He has written articles and sponsored scholarly research that contends that privatization is the only way to prevent the United States government from defaulting on its debt and that by giving seniors an opportunity to buy insurance in a free market they would benefit immeasurably.

The Going Bust president is a strong supporter of serious Paul Ryan’s serious plan to privatize Medicare. He was invited to discuss the serious reform plan that was being given so much serious attention by the serious Mainstream Media.

Biff Bluster asked a serious question of the serious reform plan passed by the serious House to get rid of Medicare once and for all.

Erradicat immediately interrupted Bluster and accused him of attempting to politicize the issue.

We’re not getting rid of Medicare,” Erradicat said in a rising tone of voice. “We’re reforming it. Nobody wants to leave seniors in the lurch. What we have is a serious plan to seriously improve the delivery of serious health care by providing an affordable and serious alternative.  Nothing is too good for our seniors.”

Serious Aly Shady, the serious economic analyst for WNN, asked a serious question about how much a serious voucher would be worth in serious Paul Ryan’s serious reform plan.

Erradicat ventured that his serious study group has not arrived at a serious final figure as yet but he offered that a hundred dollars a month would not be out of the question. The money would go directly to serious profit health insurance companies that offered serious plans to seriously ill seniors.

Erradicat said the serious vouchers could be worth more if serious profit health insurance companies needed a more serious subsidy to make some serious profit off the serious plan.

The serious Aly Shady then asked how exactly would the insurance offered by serious health insurance companies work if advocates of the plan refused to force insurance companies to provide serious coverage. Without serious coverage the serious plan to seriously reduce the serious deficit was a pile of serious balderdash. (That last remark was expunged from the broadcast but UPW obtained an unedited copy of the transcript).

The program ended on a note of thanks to Erradicat for discussing the serious MSM approach to the serious Medicare reform plan of serious Paul Ryan.

Seriously.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

May 14, 2011

JOSHUA VICTORIOUS AT JERICHO

We’ve all read or heard about the story of Joshua and the battle of Jericho.  But the story you know isn’t the real story.  The verses below are translated from ancient Rasaphrat, a little known language that existed among some Neanderthal tribes.  The language was handed down from generation to generation but died out when the last tribe of Rasaphrites became extinct after a violent Diaspora that occurred circa AD 300.

File:Jean Fouquet 001.jpg

The Israelites before Jericho obeying the orders of their god whom they are carrying in the sacred ark. By Jean Fouquet 1420-1480.   

The Bible was translated from the ancient Greek by a Rasaphrite monk who, sad to say, had three eyes.  It is his translation that survives and his work has become known as the New Rasaphramian Version (NRV).  An unknown scholar has translated this diligent scribe’s painstaking efforts into English.  Read and ye shall know the truth.  Here are the sacred words of Rasaphram the Three-Eyed Monk as translated into English by one of the few remaining specialists in Rasaphram.


JOSHUA AND THE BATTLE OF JERICHO

One day God came to visit Joshua on the day the battle of Jericho wa supposed to begin.  And guess what.  Joshua was sound asleep.

What am I gonna do with this guy,” God says aloud.  Then he shouts, “Joshua get your dead ass out of bed.  I arranged for a fight today.”

Joshua woke up, opened his eyes and everything was a blur.  “What’s with all the yelling,” he says.  “Can’t I get a little peace and quiet around here?”

Then God said “Josh, it’s almost noon.  The battle should have started hours ago.  You’re messing up my whole plan.”

What’s the big deal,” said Joshua, “So I over slept.  Do I look like I have a Rolex?  Not even a Timex you couldn’t give me?”

Forget it,” God says.  “I’ll change plans already.  But what the hell have you been doing.  The night before a battle you have a party?”

Well, you know, a little wine, a few women, things got outta hand.  Could happen to anyone.”

A few women.  You had six.  Three’s not enough.”

Hey, it’s a once in a lifetime thing.  Cut me some slack already.” 

OK, OK, pull yourself together.  Must have been some pretty good wine though.  Not that cheap watered done Roman stuff.  Oh, sorry, wrong century.  Where do you get that kinda wine?  You got a sommelier or somethin’?  And what was that stuff you were smoking?  You looked like you were trying to fly.”

That was some very good stuff,” Joshua said.  “Comes from Egypt.  Got it off a caravan.  Such a high you wouldn’t believe.  You should try it.  It’ll do you good.”

 “Let me think about it,” God said.  “How much does it cost?”

Cost?  What cost?  Who pays?  I own the bazaars, I own the markets, I even own the government.  Bought and paid for.  I’ve got all the power.  They’ve got nothing.  I take what I want.”

I see,” said God.  “I think you just invented free market capitalism.”

So now Joshua is a little disgusted.  “What’s this new plan you’ve got cooked up.  You gonna tell me about it or what.”

And God said, “Wait till you hear this one.  I can’t believe it myself, it’s so good.  First you gotta get some trumpets.”

Oh, God, I knew there was a catch.  Always a catch with You,” Joshua says.  “Do I look like a musician?  Forget with the trumpets already.”

So I’ll make it ram’s horns.  Doesn’t matter.  Now Joshua here’s what you do and you gotta do this right or the whole plan falls apart.  You give the horns to the priests and they blow them for six days while their walking around the walls of Jericho.  On the seventh day everybody walks around the walls seven times and when the priests blow the horns everybody yells.  And the walls come a tumblin’ down.”

You believe this Guy,” Joshua said.  “You gotta be kidding me.  That’s the dumbest plan I ever heard.  And it’s gotta be seven days.  You couldn’t make it five.  I busy on weekends, you know.”

I know already, I know.  Listen, jerk, it’s a good plan “said God.  “You do it right and the walls will come a tumblin’ down.  People will write songs.  I promise.  Then you send the soldiers in, you kill everybody, even the little kids and the battle is over.  But don’t screw it up for me this time.  Good plans don’t grow on trees.”

So Joshua did exactly what God told him and the walls did come a tumblin’ down and somebody wrote a song about it just like God said and everybody lived happily ever after except for all those people who lived in Jericho and got killed.

And that’s the true story of Joshua and the battle of Jericho as translated from the Greek into Rasaphramian by Rasaphram, the three-eyed monk of the ancient tribe of the Rasaphrites.

An unknown scholar translated from Rasaphramian into English. Although I think it may have lost something in the translation. 

May 11, 2011

THE BOEHNER BUZZ

Sipping very dry martinis from a Green Bay Packer beer stein, House Speaker John Boehner addressed a group of Wall Street CEOs at the Economic Club of New York. In his speech Boehner claimed that government spending was the cause of a lack of private investment in the U.S. economy.

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The most corrupt capital in the Western World? If not, certainly a front runner.   

The figures Boehner presented were disputed by the Commerce Department which revealed an increase in private investment for the first quarter.

UPW reporter Marcy Popindick asked Boehner how he could make such a mistake.

Lifting his head from the table the wobbly Speaker from Ohio replied: “I coulda swore it was a Cleveland Brown’s mug.”

The worst Federal Reserve Board Chairman in history, Alan Greenspan, supported Boehner’s claim.

Ms. Popindick asked the former chairman where he thought investors should be putting their money.

Oh, I don’t know,” replied the chairman. “How about sub-prime mortgages. You get in right and you can make a killing.


In other news, K Street lobbyists are sending frantic messages to their CEO cronies urging them to contribute enough payoff money to satisfy their representatives in Congress and the White House and to make certain the payments are received on a timely basis.

It is imperative that CEOs not fall behind on their payoff money payments,” a lobbyist said speaking under conditions of deep background.

Rumors are circulating wildly around Capitol Hill that Congress is about to pass legislation permitting lawmakers to charge late fees for payoff money contributions not received on time.


Several state legislatures have passed laws that will allow students to carry handguns on campus. Students who do not have carry permits can enroll in a handgun course for which they will receive three credits or three rounds which ever comes first.


Donations are now being accepted by the John Boehner Book Foundation to help pay for the restoration of the speaker’s library which burned to the ground last week. All three books were totally destroyed. Fortunately for the speaker he had finished coloring all three of them.


Baron Alan von Simpson, former co-chair of President Barack Obama’s Cat Food Commission, stated today that Social Security was a welfare program. When the program was passed, Simpson said, life expectancy was 63 years. Today life expectancy is in the high seventies and the system is going broke. Ms. Popindick refuted the baron’s claim by stating that life expectancy stats were skewed by numerous deaths in early childhood at a time when antibiotics and other wonder drugs were not available. Persons who survived passed age 65 often lived until their upper seventies or later.

Von Simpson said Ms. Popindick’s statistics were phony and he didn’t believe them. Reiterating his own stats the baron said he had just been nominated for the Putzie Prize and that award validated his numbers beyond challenge.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

May 9, 2011

ADAM AND EVE REVISITED

We’ve all read or heard the story of Adam and Eve.  But the story you know isn’t the real story.  The verses below are translated from ancient Rasaphrat, a little known language that existed among some Neanderthal tribes.  The language was handed down from generation to generation but died out when the last tribe of Rasaphrites became extinct after a violent Diaspora that occurred around AD 300.   

The Bible was translated from the ancient Greek by a Rasaphrite monk who, sad to say, had three eyes.  It is his translation that survives and his work has become known as the New Rasaphramian Version (NRV).  Read and ye shall know the truth.  Here are the sacred words of Rasaphram the Monk as translated into English by, uh, some unknown scholar.

 File:The Fall of Man-1616-Hendrik Goltzius.jpg

The first First Family screwing up royally. Or if you prefer The Fall of Man by Hendrik Goltzius.

One day God created Adam out of dust or dirt or clay or maybe something else, it doesn’t matter, nobody really cares anyway.  All that matters is that one day there was this guy and God called him Adam which in Rasaphram means first man.

Adam woke up from a stupor and he doesn’t know from nothin’. That’s because he was not too bright but that’s the way God wanted it.  He looked around and he saw God and he said, “Who the hell are you?”

And God said “I’m God, who do you think I am.”

Then Adam ssid, “That’s supposed to mean something?”

Now God got upset.  He looked up at the sky:  “I think I made a mistake.  It must have been in the dirt.  I shoulda maybe used a little water.”

So who am I and where am I and what am I doing here?”  Adam asked.

Impatient and curious.  I guess I can live with that,” God said. 

You’re Adam and you’re the first man.  Satisfied?”

So what is this place I’m in, with the trees and the leaves and the plants, I could get allergies ya know.  And all these little animals staring at me?  I gotta put up with this?”

Oh, so you do know something.  The brain works after all.  I was a little worried about that.  This place you’re in, it’s the Garden of Eden. Everything is perfect here.  Enjoy.  Look, kid, I gotta go.  I’m busy.  I’ve got things to do.  Take a look around.  Ya like what ya see, stick around.  It’s yours.”

So Adam stuck around, got himself a pet poodle, played with the dinosaurs and observed everything he could in the Garden of Eden. (Rasaphram’s translation proves one and for all that dinosaurs co-existed with humans).  And believe me, there were some very strange goings on he observed.

Some of those strange goings he didn’t quite understand.  But he knew he wasn’t able to join in with those very strange goings on.

Just then a pterodactyl took a shit and it landed on Adam’s head. (Adam got really pissed because God told him that everything was perfect in the Garden and some really big birds shitting up the place wasn’t Adam’s idea of perfect. However, the incident proves once again that dinosaurs co-existed with humans).

But anyway one day Adam couldn’t stand not being able to have some of his very own strange goings on.  He called God.

Where the hell ya been, I’ve been looking for ya.”

You shouldn’t curse in the presence of God,” the Creator admonished.

OK, OK, no cursing. Besides I need a favor already.  I’m a little lonely.  Everybody in here has a friend.  I’ve got a poodle and a couple of dinosaurs.  You couldn’t give me a friend?”

You’re sure you want a friend?  It could change things a little.  And there’s no turning back,” God warned him.

Yes, yes.  I’m sure.  Get on with it.”

All right already.  Don’t be such a grouch.  You want a friend I’ll give you a friend.  But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

So God put Adam to sleep and he took his gall bladder so he should never get stones and he made woman.  And he called the woman Eve (which in the ancient language of Rasaphram translates into first woman), who very soon was to become the mother of all people.  (But that’s another story).

Well, let me tell you it didn’t take those two very long to learn about all those very strange goings on.

Every day, day in and day out, morning, noon and night.  Such goings on.  It was a scandal.

Then, one day God went for a walk in the Garden.  And right there behind a bush, there they were.  On the ground, one with the knees bent up, the other pumping up and down, up and down.  Right there, in front of God no less.

So God said, “I can’t leave you two alone.  I turn my back for a minute and you do this.  You’ll pay for this.  Mark my words.  Now you can never eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  I’m warning you.”

Who cares,” Eve said.  “I can’t even say it.  Cut us some slack already.  This is the Garden of Eden.  You gave it to us, remember.  Whose fault is that?”

God walked away shaking his head and said “Bitch.”

Eve often strolled through the Garden picking leaves from plants and enjoying their fragrance. Then one day she lit up the leaves and smoked them. She enjoyed the fragrance even more.

Frequently on her leisurely walks she would pass the forbidden tree and stare at it, day after day.  Looked pretty good to her.  But she never took a piece of the fruit.  Some say it was an apple, coulda been a peach.  Doesn’t matter.

Then one day, after smoking a bushel full of leaves, she stumbled in front of the tree and there before her eyes was a low hanging piece of fruit.

Slithering along a branch, a snake suddenly appeared.  Nobody knows how it got there.  Coulda walked, coulda flew, doesn’t matter.

But this snake was different.  This snake talked.  Yep, that’s right a talking snake and it tells Eve to eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge and she’ll become God.  Not to be picky or anything, but it sounded like a pretty good deal.  So she picked a pear from the tree (coulda been a pear, who knows) and takes a bite.  Nothing happened and she got mad. 

God saw it all, told the snake he has to crawl on his belly from now on and He became livid at Eve. And it was at this time that God created Hell. So the snake slithered away (no more walking or flying) and Eve ran like a bat outta hell to find Adam. (According to Rasaphram, this is another of the many modern expressions that comes from the Bible).

Adam, I ate the fruit and now I’m God,” she said.  “Take a bite and you’ll be God too.”

But Adam hesitated.  He really didn’t want to eat the forbidden fruit because, let’s face it, he didn’t know what the hell it was either.

Let me think about this for a while,” he said.

Then Eve got really mad and said “How the hell long do you have to think about it. Are you dumb or something? If you know what’s good for you, you’ll eat this goddamned thing or I’ll shove it down your throat.”

So Adam ate because he knew what was good for him.  God saw it and threw them out of the Garden.

Now they have to put on some clothes because they know their naked. But first they gotta kill something to get skins to make the clothes and then they’re on their own. 

Now Adam has to get up every morning, go to work, pay the bills and Eve has all those kids she has to take care of.  All because of some lousy piece of fruit that nobody even knows what it was.

But don’t feel too sorry for Adam.  Look on the bright side.  Eve put pockets in his clothes and now he has a place to keep his hanky.

  File:Zampieri - Adam et Ève (détail).jpg

So you couldn’t cut us a little slack maybe. It’s not our fault. It all happened because of that damned weed we were smokin’.  (Adam and Eve by Zampieri).

And that’s the real story of Adam and Eve as translated from the Greek by a three-eyed monk from the ancient tribe of the Rasaphrites.

An unknown scholar translated into English. 

I’ve always wondered if the story doesn’t lose a little something in the translation. 

May 7, 2011

TERRORIST SAID TO OWN ITALIAN PIZZA JOINT

Officials from the Pakistanii Intelligence Service denied today that they had any knowledge of the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden before the US raid into the Abbottabad compound.

File:Osama bin Laden hideout.jpg

A view of the Abbottabad compound where the 9/11 perpetrator lived in luxury.


Information gathered from trusted sources, an official from PIS indicated under conditions of strict anonymity, led intelligence (sic) agents to believe bin Laden was living in caves in the mountainous northwest region of the country. The area is inhabited by tribes that live under conditions of self rule. The central government holds little authority over the tribes and it was believed that loyal bin Laden supporters throughout the area were concealing the terrorist’s movements.

Agents paid cooperative tribal members hundreds of thousands of dollars of secret CIA money for information that might lead to the whereabouts of the world’s most sought after criminal.

PIS also conducted numerous interrogations of tribal members and information gathered by various techniques pointed to locations in the mountains where bin Laben was thought to have been hiding.

When questioned about the methods employed during interrogations the official said Pakistani agents did not use torture.

Agents frequently packed picnic lunches on their forays into the cavernous mountains on their searches of thousands of caves in the region in numerous failed attempts to bag bin Laden.

In reality bin Laden was living under conditions of comfort in a million dollar compound in the prosperous suburban city of Abbottabad not far from a Pakistani military installation. It is believed bin Laden may have been receiving dialysis treatments at a medical facility at the base.

PIS agents had received a tip from a pizza delivery boy from Muammar’s New York Style Pizza take out restaurant, a Libyan Italian food franchise. The boy reported a tall man with a long beard who resembled bin Laden, lived in the residence where he frequently delivered pizza. Agents indicated however that the boy vanished suddenly and has never been heard from again. Other delivery boys remained tight lipped.

File:SunrisesatRawalLakeIslamabad.jpg

Sunrise over a park in Islamabad where bin Laden may have gone on picnics with his wives and trusted supporters.


It is now believed that bin Laden was the owner of the Italian restaurant that delivered to his residence and that he dined frequently at the establishment. He was known as a big tipper.

When asked how a well known terrorist could be living under the noses of the Pakistani military and the Intelligence Service the official remarked: “So who knew.”

From UPW News: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.