We’ve all read or heard the story of Adam and Eve.  But the story you know isn’t the real story.  The verses below are translated from ancient Rasaphrat, a little known language that existed among some Neanderthal tribes.  The language was handed down from generation to generation but died out when the last tribe of Rasaphrites became extinct after a violent Diaspora that occurred around AD 300.   

The Bible was translated from the ancient Greek by a Rasaphrite monk who, sad to say, had three eyes.  It is his translation that survives and his work has become known as the New Rasaphramian Version (NRV).  Read and ye shall know the truth.  Here are the sacred words of Rasaphram the Monk as translated into English by, uh, some unknown scholar.

 File:The Fall of Man-1616-Hendrik Goltzius.jpg

The first First Family screwing up royally. Or if you prefer The Fall of Man by Hendrik Goltzius.

One day God created Adam out of dust or dirt or clay or maybe something else, it doesn’t matter, nobody really cares anyway.  All that matters is that one day there was this guy and God called him Adam which in Rasaphram means first man.

Adam woke up from a stupor and he doesn’t know from nothin’. That’s because he was not too bright but that’s the way God wanted it.  He looked around and he saw God and he said, “Who the hell are you?”

And God said “I’m God, who do you think I am.”

Then Adam ssid, “That’s supposed to mean something?”

Now God got upset.  He looked up at the sky:  “I think I made a mistake.  It must have been in the dirt.  I shoulda maybe used a little water.”

So who am I and where am I and what am I doing here?”  Adam asked.

Impatient and curious.  I guess I can live with that,” God said. 

You’re Adam and you’re the first man.  Satisfied?”

So what is this place I’m in, with the trees and the leaves and the plants, I could get allergies ya know.  And all these little animals staring at me?  I gotta put up with this?”

Oh, so you do know something.  The brain works after all.  I was a little worried about that.  This place you’re in, it’s the Garden of Eden. Everything is perfect here.  Enjoy.  Look, kid, I gotta go.  I’m busy.  I’ve got things to do.  Take a look around.  Ya like what ya see, stick around.  It’s yours.”

So Adam stuck around, got himself a pet poodle, played with the dinosaurs and observed everything he could in the Garden of Eden. (Rasaphram’s translation proves one and for all that dinosaurs co-existed with humans).  And believe me, there were some very strange goings on he observed.

Some of those strange goings he didn’t quite understand.  But he knew he wasn’t able to join in with those very strange goings on.

Just then a pterodactyl took a shit and it landed on Adam’s head. (Adam got really pissed because God told him that everything was perfect in the Garden and some really big birds shitting up the place wasn’t Adam’s idea of perfect. However, the incident proves once again that dinosaurs co-existed with humans).

But anyway one day Adam couldn’t stand not being able to have some of his very own strange goings on.  He called God.

Where the hell ya been, I’ve been looking for ya.”

You shouldn’t curse in the presence of God,” the Creator admonished.

OK, OK, no cursing. Besides I need a favor already.  I’m a little lonely.  Everybody in here has a friend.  I’ve got a poodle and a couple of dinosaurs.  You couldn’t give me a friend?”

You’re sure you want a friend?  It could change things a little.  And there’s no turning back,” God warned him.

Yes, yes.  I’m sure.  Get on with it.”

All right already.  Don’t be such a grouch.  You want a friend I’ll give you a friend.  But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

So God put Adam to sleep and he took his gall bladder so he should never get stones and he made woman.  And he called the woman Eve (which in the ancient language of Rasaphram translates into first woman), who very soon was to become the mother of all people.  (But that’s another story).

Well, let me tell you it didn’t take those two very long to learn about all those very strange goings on.

Every day, day in and day out, morning, noon and night.  Such goings on.  It was a scandal.

Then, one day God went for a walk in the Garden.  And right there behind a bush, there they were.  On the ground, one with the knees bent up, the other pumping up and down, up and down.  Right there, in front of God no less.

So God said, “I can’t leave you two alone.  I turn my back for a minute and you do this.  You’ll pay for this.  Mark my words.  Now you can never eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  I’m warning you.”

Who cares,” Eve said.  “I can’t even say it.  Cut us some slack already.  This is the Garden of Eden.  You gave it to us, remember.  Whose fault is that?”

God walked away shaking his head and said “Bitch.”

Eve often strolled through the Garden picking leaves from plants and enjoying their fragrance. Then one day she lit up the leaves and smoked them. She enjoyed the fragrance even more.

Frequently on her leisurely walks she would pass the forbidden tree and stare at it, day after day.  Looked pretty good to her.  But she never took a piece of the fruit.  Some say it was an apple, coulda been a peach.  Doesn’t matter.

Then one day, after smoking a bushel full of leaves, she stumbled in front of the tree and there before her eyes was a low hanging piece of fruit.

Slithering along a branch, a snake suddenly appeared.  Nobody knows how it got there.  Coulda walked, coulda flew, doesn’t matter.

But this snake was different.  This snake talked.  Yep, that’s right a talking snake and it tells Eve to eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge and she’ll become God.  Not to be picky or anything, but it sounded like a pretty good deal.  So she picked a pear from the tree (coulda been a pear, who knows) and takes a bite.  Nothing happened and she got mad. 

God saw it all, told the snake he has to crawl on his belly from now on and He became livid at Eve. And it was at this time that God created Hell. So the snake slithered away (no more walking or flying) and Eve ran like a bat outta hell to find Adam. (According to Rasaphram, this is another of the many modern expressions that comes from the Bible).

Adam, I ate the fruit and now I’m God,” she said.  “Take a bite and you’ll be God too.”

But Adam hesitated.  He really didn’t want to eat the forbidden fruit because, let’s face it, he didn’t know what the hell it was either.

Let me think about this for a while,” he said.

Then Eve got really mad and said “How the hell long do you have to think about it. Are you dumb or something? If you know what’s good for you, you’ll eat this goddamned thing or I’ll shove it down your throat.”

So Adam ate because he knew what was good for him.  God saw it and threw them out of the Garden.

Now they have to put on some clothes because they know their naked. But first they gotta kill something to get skins to make the clothes and then they’re on their own. 

Now Adam has to get up every morning, go to work, pay the bills and Eve has all those kids she has to take care of.  All because of some lousy piece of fruit that nobody even knows what it was.

But don’t feel too sorry for Adam.  Look on the bright side.  Eve put pockets in his clothes and now he has a place to keep his hanky.

  File:Zampieri - Adam et Ève (détail).jpg

So you couldn’t cut us a little slack maybe. It’s not our fault. It all happened because of that damned weed we were smokin’.  (Adam and Eve by Zampieri).

And that’s the real story of Adam and Eve as translated from the Greek by a three-eyed monk from the ancient tribe of the Rasaphrites.

An unknown scholar translated into English. 

I’ve always wondered if the story doesn’t lose a little something in the translation. 

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