Sipping very dry martinis from a Green Bay Packer beer stein, House Speaker John Boehner addressed a group of Wall Street CEOs at the Economic Club of New York. In his speech Boehner claimed that government spending was the cause of a lack of private investment in the U.S. economy.

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The most corrupt capital in the Western World? If not, certainly a front runner.   

The figures Boehner presented were disputed by the Commerce Department which revealed an increase in private investment for the first quarter.

UPW reporter Marcy Popindick asked Boehner how he could make such a mistake.

Lifting his head from the table the wobbly Speaker from Ohio replied: “I coulda swore it was a Cleveland Brown’s mug.”

The worst Federal Reserve Board Chairman in history, Alan Greenspan, supported Boehner’s claim.

Ms. Popindick asked the former chairman where he thought investors should be putting their money.

Oh, I don’t know,” replied the chairman. “How about sub-prime mortgages. You get in right and you can make a killing.

In other news, K Street lobbyists are sending frantic messages to their CEO cronies urging them to contribute enough payoff money to satisfy their representatives in Congress and the White House and to make certain the payments are received on a timely basis.

It is imperative that CEOs not fall behind on their payoff money payments,” a lobbyist said speaking under conditions of deep background.

Rumors are circulating wildly around Capitol Hill that Congress is about to pass legislation permitting lawmakers to charge late fees for payoff money contributions not received on time.

Several state legislatures have passed laws that will allow students to carry handguns on campus. Students who do not have carry permits can enroll in a handgun course for which they will receive three credits or three rounds which ever comes first.

Donations are now being accepted by the John Boehner Book Foundation to help pay for the restoration of the speaker’s library which burned to the ground last week. All three books were totally destroyed. Fortunately for the speaker he had finished coloring all three of them.

Baron Alan von Simpson, former co-chair of President Barack Obama’s Cat Food Commission, stated today that Social Security was a welfare program. When the program was passed, Simpson said, life expectancy was 63 years. Today life expectancy is in the high seventies and the system is going broke. Ms. Popindick refuted the baron’s claim by stating that life expectancy stats were skewed by numerous deaths in early childhood at a time when antibiotics and other wonder drugs were not available. Persons who survived passed age 65 often lived until their upper seventies or later.

Von Simpson said Ms. Popindick’s statistics were phony and he didn’t believe them. Reiterating his own stats the baron said he had just been nominated for the Putzie Prize and that award validated his numbers beyond challenge.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

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