JOSHUA VICTORIOUS AT JERICHO

We’ve all read or heard about the story of Joshua and the battle of Jericho.  But the story you know isn’t the real story.  The verses below are translated from ancient Rasaphrat, a little known language that existed among some Neanderthal tribes.  The language was handed down from generation to generation but died out when the last tribe of Rasaphrites became extinct after a violent Diaspora that occurred circa AD 300.

File:Jean Fouquet 001.jpg

The Israelites before Jericho obeying the orders of their god whom they are carrying in the sacred ark. By Jean Fouquet 1420-1480.   

The Bible was translated from the ancient Greek by a Rasaphrite monk who, sad to say, had three eyes.  It is his translation that survives and his work has become known as the New Rasaphramian Version (NRV).  An unknown scholar has translated this diligent scribe’s painstaking efforts into English.  Read and ye shall know the truth.  Here are the sacred words of Rasaphram the Three-Eyed Monk as translated into English by one of the few remaining specialists in Rasaphram.


JOSHUA AND THE BATTLE OF JERICHO

One day God came to visit Joshua on the day the battle of Jericho wa supposed to begin.  And guess what.  Joshua was sound asleep.

What am I gonna do with this guy,” God says aloud.  Then he shouts, “Joshua get your dead ass out of bed.  I arranged for a fight today.”

Joshua woke up, opened his eyes and everything was a blur.  “What’s with all the yelling,” he says.  “Can’t I get a little peace and quiet around here?”

Then God said “Josh, it’s almost noon.  The battle should have started hours ago.  You’re messing up my whole plan.”

What’s the big deal,” said Joshua, “So I over slept.  Do I look like I have a Rolex?  Not even a Timex you couldn’t give me?”

Forget it,” God says.  “I’ll change plans already.  But what the hell have you been doing.  The night before a battle you have a party?”

Well, you know, a little wine, a few women, things got outta hand.  Could happen to anyone.”

A few women.  You had six.  Three’s not enough.”

Hey, it’s a once in a lifetime thing.  Cut me some slack already.” 

OK, OK, pull yourself together.  Must have been some pretty good wine though.  Not that cheap watered done Roman stuff.  Oh, sorry, wrong century.  Where do you get that kinda wine?  You got a sommelier or somethin’?  And what was that stuff you were smoking?  You looked like you were trying to fly.”

That was some very good stuff,” Joshua said.  “Comes from Egypt.  Got it off a caravan.  Such a high you wouldn’t believe.  You should try it.  It’ll do you good.”

 “Let me think about it,” God said.  “How much does it cost?”

Cost?  What cost?  Who pays?  I own the bazaars, I own the markets, I even own the government.  Bought and paid for.  I’ve got all the power.  They’ve got nothing.  I take what I want.”

I see,” said God.  “I think you just invented free market capitalism.”

So now Joshua is a little disgusted.  “What’s this new plan you’ve got cooked up.  You gonna tell me about it or what.”

And God said, “Wait till you hear this one.  I can’t believe it myself, it’s so good.  First you gotta get some trumpets.”

Oh, God, I knew there was a catch.  Always a catch with You,” Joshua says.  “Do I look like a musician?  Forget with the trumpets already.”

So I’ll make it ram’s horns.  Doesn’t matter.  Now Joshua here’s what you do and you gotta do this right or the whole plan falls apart.  You give the horns to the priests and they blow them for six days while their walking around the walls of Jericho.  On the seventh day everybody walks around the walls seven times and when the priests blow the horns everybody yells.  And the walls come a tumblin’ down.”

You believe this Guy,” Joshua said.  “You gotta be kidding me.  That’s the dumbest plan I ever heard.  And it’s gotta be seven days.  You couldn’t make it five.  I busy on weekends, you know.”

I know already, I know.  Listen, jerk, it’s a good plan “said God.  “You do it right and the walls will come a tumblin’ down.  People will write songs.  I promise.  Then you send the soldiers in, you kill everybody, even the little kids and the battle is over.  But don’t screw it up for me this time.  Good plans don’t grow on trees.”

So Joshua did exactly what God told him and the walls did come a tumblin’ down and somebody wrote a song about it just like God said and everybody lived happily ever after except for all those people who lived in Jericho and got killed.

And that’s the true story of Joshua and the battle of Jericho as translated from the Greek into Rasaphramian by Rasaphram, the three-eyed monk of the ancient tribe of the Rasaphrites.

An unknown scholar translated from Rasaphramian into English. Although I think it may have lost something in the translation. 

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