Archive for May 30th, 2011

May 30, 2011

EX PRES WINS SCHMUCKUP AWARD

From its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy, the Nobella Pizza Prize Committee has just announced the winner of The Schmuckup Award. Former president William Jefferson Clinton, also known as Wild Willy, has been honored with the prize.

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The official portrait of the third worst president in recent history now hangs in the East Room of the White House.


In its award letter, the Committee noted the president’s numerous accomplishments while in office. Of particular note was Clinton’s signing of NAFTA which brought untold profits to American global corporations and enhanced earnings and bonuses for Wall Street investment banks and CEOs.

The Committee noted that the president proceeded boldly often disregarding advice from supporters who warned that the agreement would cost jobs in both the US and Mexico. As high wage jobs gushed to the cheap labor regions south of the border causing high unemployment among middle class workers, corporations increased earnings astronomically. At the same time agricultural conglomerates flooded Mexican markets with farm products that drove millions of farmers off the land and forced hungry immigrants to illegally cross the border to the north in a race for survival. Under no circumstances could this brave president be persuaded that NAFTA would cause huge disruptions in both economies as he courageously charged ahead.

Clinton also earned high praise for his appointments to the Treasury Department. Wall Street was elated when Goldman Sachs CEO Robert Rubin was named secretary and Larry Summers his assistant. Both men were avid deregulationists and pushed for passage of the Gramm-Bliley-Leach Act which destroyed the separation of investment and commercial banking by overturning the New Deal’s Glass-Steagall law.

Again the president proceeded boldly against warnings that his actions were irresponsible and could unleash an upheaval in the banking and housing industries. The Great Recession that began in 2007 resulted directly from his actions but Clinton has maintained steadfastly that deregulation was not a cause of the recession that resulted in millions of foreclosures, the loss of millions of jobs and a costly government bailout of reckless Wall Street banks.

The economic dislocations caused by the president’s two Treasury appointments continue to the present day and observers have branded Rubin and Summers as the worst Treasury secretaries since Warren Harding tapped Andrew Mellon to serve in that post. Clinton however continues to praise his two former advisers.

The president was also eager to destroy Social Security as it is now structured. He instructed his chief of staff, the aristocrat Erskine Bowles, to negotiate with then Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, an overhaul of the most successful social program in the history of the United States.

Except for a global scandal brought on by a dalliance with a White House intern and the impeachment proceedings that followed, Clinton might well have initiated the demise of the popular safety net program.

And so to the third worst president in recent US history – right behind George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan – the Committee grants the prestigious Schmuckup Award.

Winners of The Schmuckup Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. In addition, winners are given the coveted statuette called The Little Schmucky engraved with the words “Schmucked up beyond all reason.” The Little Schmucky is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. All prizes are awarded while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

May 30, 2011

GOD MAKES THE SUN STAND STILL

Not too many people have heard of the battle of Gibeon. Probably because nobody ever wrote a song about it. Like, ya know, the battle of Jericho and the walls came a tumblin’ down.  But maybe someday though, who can tell.

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Joshua wins another one. But look who he has on his side.

Gibeon is the battle where God made the sun stand still to provide extra daylight so Joshua could kill lots more people.

You’ve probably heard stories about this ancient fight. Well, as you might have guessed, those stories are not exactly true. Here is how it really happened as translated from the Greek into the Rasaphramian language by Rasaphram, a three-eyed monk from the ancient tribe of the Rasaphrites. A scholar in ancient languages who resides at The Sardo Institute translated from Rasaphramian into English. The translation below is the true story of this ancient battle.  

Of course, Joshua screwed up again.  It was in his nature.  There he was on the day of the battle, curled up in bed, passed out from drinking all that good wine and smoking that stuff from Egypt that he never paid for. And women, all over the place, you wouldn’t believe how many.

God was fit to be tied and fed up.  But He knew He had placed all His eggs in one basket (another modern phrase whose origin we can trace back to the Old Testament) and that He was stuck with this schmuck.  

So what was He to do?  He woke him up, shook him violently back and forth and up and down and forced some coffee down his throat.

And then God said, “Wake up asshole, you got a battle to fight today.”

So an hour later, Joshua could stand up by himself.  He called for his horse and wagon and ordered pillows and blankets so he could lie down while the battle was going on. After all he’s a general and he has privileges.

Joshua went outside and looked around, saw the sun was setting and decided it was too late to start a fight and besides he wasn’t feeling too good so he went back into his tent for a smoke.  Ya know, the good stuff.

Not enough daylight left,” he said to God.  “Fuggetaboutit.  It can wait.  And besides I can’t attack Gibeon because I signed a peace treaty with them.”

You signed a peace treaty?  Who told you to sign a peace treaty?

They tricked me.  I signed a peace treaty.”

You’re an idiot,” God said.

So I screwed up.  It’s too late now.  What are you gonna do, fire me.  But don’t worry about it.  I made them all slaves and their happy.  I coulda killed them, ya know.  Look, it’s late, the sun’s going down, it’s getting dark, go take a nap.  You’ll feel better in the morning.”

Such a jerk.” Then He told Joshua that there are huge armies coming to Gibeon led by King Adoni-zedek and King Hoham and a few others with such names not even God could pronounce.

Don’t be an idiot, do what I say. Get the army together and you’ll have enough daylight, I promise.”

And just how are you gonna do that, Smart Guy.”

Oh, so you’re still a wise guy.  I’ll tell you how I’m gonna do that, I’m gonna stop the sun in the sky, that’s how.”

You can do that?”

Of course, I can do that, I’m God.  The sun will stand still, you’ll have enough daylight.  You can kill everybody.  Not a problem.”

Now God told Joshua that the enemy had 50,000 troops and 10,000 chariots. He said, “You take 1000 of your very best men and lead them against the armies of those kings with the daffy names.”

Joshua looked up at God through his bloodshot eyes and said, “Are you shittin’me?”

Joshua, you’re gonna win.  Trust me this one time and you’ll become one of the greatest generals in history.”

I prayed for this day, ya know,”  Joshua said.

I know, I know.  Don’t screw it up.”

Now here’s a very important lesson to remember.  Back in those ancient days, even God didn’t know that the sun already stood still in the sky and that the earth moved around the sun.  He didn’t know because Galileo and Copernicus and all those other smart guys with the funny names weren’t born yet.

But somehow God made the day longer, how it doesn’t matter, just so Joshua had enough daylight so he could win the battle over all the armies that came to Gibeon.  And when the armies ran away so that not even Joshua could catch them, God sent a hailstorm and killed them all.  Then Joshua captured all the cities in the land of milk and honey and everybody lived happily ever after except for all those people who lived in the cities Joshua conquered. They got killed.

And that’s the true story of Joshua and the battle of Gibeon as translated from the Greek by Rasaphram the three-eyed monk from the ancient tribe of the Rasaphrites. A scholar from The Sardo Institute who wishes to remain anonymous translated from ancient Rasaphramian into English.

I think it loses a little something in the translation though.