Not too many people have heard of the battle of Gibeon. Probably because nobody ever wrote a song about it. Like, ya know, the battle of Jericho and the walls came a tumblin’ down. But maybe someday though, who can tell.
Joshua wins another one. But look who he has on his side.
Gibeon is the battle where God made the sun stand still to provide extra daylight so Joshua could kill lots more people.
You’ve probably heard stories about this ancient fight. Well, as you might have guessed, those stories are not exactly true. Here is how it really happened as translated from the Greek into the Rasaphramian language by Rasaphram, a three-eyed monk from the ancient tribe of the Rasaphrites. A scholar in ancient languages who resides at The Sardo Institute translated from Rasaphramian into English. The translation below is the true story of this ancient battle.
Of course, Joshua screwed up again. It was in his nature. There he was on the day of the battle, curled up in bed, passed out from drinking all that good wine and smoking that stuff from Egypt that he never paid for. And women, all over the place, you wouldn’t believe how many.
God was fit to be tied and fed up. But He knew He had placed all His eggs in one basket (another modern phrase whose origin we can trace back to the Old Testament) and that He was stuck with this schmuck.
So what was He to do? He woke him up, shook him violently back and forth and up and down and forced some coffee down his throat.
And then God said, “Wake up asshole, you got a battle to fight today.”
So an hour later, Joshua could stand up by himself. He called for his horse and wagon and ordered pillows and blankets so he could lie down while the battle was going on. After all he’s a general and he has privileges.
Joshua went outside and looked around, saw the sun was setting and decided it was too late to start a fight and besides he wasn’t feeling too good so he went back into his tent for a smoke. Ya know, the good stuff.
“Not enough daylight left,” he said to God. “Fuggetaboutit. It can wait. And besides I can’t attack Gibeon because I signed a peace treaty with them.”
“You signed a peace treaty? Who told you to sign a peace treaty?
“They tricked me. I signed a peace treaty.”
“You’re an idiot,” God said.
“So I screwed up. It’s too late now. What are you gonna do, fire me. But don’t worry about it. I made them all slaves and their happy. I coulda killed them, ya know. Look, it’s late, the sun’s going down, it’s getting dark, go take a nap. You’ll feel better in the morning.”
“Such a jerk.” Then He told Joshua that there are huge armies coming to Gibeon led by King Adoni-zedek and King Hoham and a few others with such names not even God could pronounce.
“Don’t be an idiot, do what I say. Get the army together and you’ll have enough daylight, I promise.”
“And just how are you gonna do that, Smart Guy.”
“Oh, so you’re still a wise guy. I’ll tell you how I’m gonna do that, I’m gonna stop the sun in the sky, that’s how.”
“You can do that?”
“Of course, I can do that, I’m God. The sun will stand still, you’ll have enough daylight. You can kill everybody. Not a problem.”
Now God told Joshua that the enemy had 50,000 troops and 10,000 chariots. He said, “You take 1000 of your very best men and lead them against the armies of those kings with the daffy names.”
Joshua looked up at God through his bloodshot eyes and said, “Are you shittin’me?”
“Joshua, you’re gonna win. Trust me this one time and you’ll become one of the greatest generals in history.”
“I prayed for this day, ya know,” Joshua said.
“I know, I know. Don’t screw it up.”
Now here’s a very important lesson to remember. Back in those ancient days, even God didn’t know that the sun already stood still in the sky and that the earth moved around the sun. He didn’t know because Galileo and Copernicus and all those other smart guys with the funny names weren’t born yet.
But somehow God made the day longer, how it doesn’t matter, just so Joshua had enough daylight so he could win the battle over all the armies that came to Gibeon. And when the armies ran away so that not even Joshua could catch them, God sent a hailstorm and killed them all. Then Joshua captured all the cities in the land of milk and honey and everybody lived happily ever after except for all those people who lived in the cities Joshua conquered. They got killed.
And that’s the true story of Joshua and the battle of Gibeon as translated from the Greek by Rasaphram the three-eyed monk from the ancient tribe of the Rasaphrites. A scholar from The Sardo Institute who wishes to remain anonymous translated from ancient Rasaphramian into English.
I think it loses a little something in the translation though.