Archive for June, 2011

June 26, 2011

PETER FALK AND COLUMBO-OUR AMERICAN HERITAGE

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Peter Falk played a great Columbo.

In a field where the mortal seem jumbo.


He reached heights not many achieve

And along the way awards he’d receive.


In a field where success taps few

Peter to his character stayed true.


And so he crafted a remarkable show

From which his warmth will always glow.


Break a leg, Peter.

Falk wrote a biography some years ago entitled Just One More Thing. I have a copy of it around here somewhere. Good book. Tells the story without fluff or scandal. Worth reading.

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June 25, 2011

DON’T STEP IN IT

Is there anything worse than being up the creek without a paddle? How about no canoe?

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It is said that the meek will inherit the earth. They will do this because they are blessed The rich can’t of course inherit the earth. Even though they already own it. I suppose this is because they are neither meek nor blessed.

It seems to me there are a lot of poor people who are neither meek nor blessed as well. And people who are blessed but not meek. Or meek but not blessed. I’m not sure where I fit into this picture. In any case, I’m still waiting for my share.


Tomorrow doesn’t exist. If it did it would be today.

The difference between yesterday, today and tomorrow is that yesterday is gone, today is going and tomorrow is coming. It’s nothing to fret about though because tomorrow it starts all over again.


My lucky number is an eight digit figure. It’s so long I can’t remember it. I wish it were my salary. On the other hand, the way my luck has been running the number would contain a decimal point far to the left. That could be a dime with a whole lot of zeros after it


If a hog farm held a beauty contest would they call the winner The Pig Queen?


Have you noticed bad ideas never seem to work? Or that only other people ever get them?


Everyone has heard of a minimum balance. That’s something banks charge you for if you don’t have one. I often wonder how many things we get charged for that we don’t actually have.


When you’re young your world expands. You meet new people, develop friendships. As you grow older your world shrinks as people you know begin to die.


Jesus was born in AD 1. That of course was a fact he did not know. Some historians believe he was born anywhere from 7-2 BC. He didn’t know that either. Fortunately for him no one ever asked for his birth certificate.


People are making race jokes about Barack Obama. That’s because he knows nothing about NASCAR and that’s no joking matter.

The president should read a book. A good one is NASCAR For Idiots. He can get Michelle to help him with it.


Politics is defined as the art of quietly voting for a piece of legislation after a Congress critter has just laid a piece of ass lobbyist who paid him to vote for it in the first place. And if your the lobbyist would that act be considered a form of double taxation?

June 25, 2011

ODE TO CLARENCE THOMAS

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The Five Horsemen of the Apocalypse:: Thomas standing, Samuel Alito standing to the right; Anthony Kennedy seated left; John Roberts center and Antonin Scalia seated to Roberts’ right. The other more reasonable members of the Court from top left are Stephen Breyer, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, John Paul Stevens and David Souter. (2006)

ODE TO CLARENCE THOMAS

OR PERFIDY AMONG THE SUPREMES

Clarence Thomas
Made a promise
To his wife of many years
And so relieved her constant tears.

To allay her many fears
Justice Thomas
Renewed his promise
That he would soon address the smears.

But then the judge
Would once more fudge
And hide the thrill
Of Anita Hill.

And when at last the judge did speak
About his case so very weak
Above the strident cries so shrill
Recalled he outfoxed Capitol Hill.

Then the gift of Lincoln’s bust
Stripped the judge of all his trust
He soon became a right wing tool
Yet of all the world he makes a fool.

The justice has a wife named Ginni
Who once upon a time was skinny.
When she disposed of all skirts mini
He wished she lived in Papua New Guinea.

To a woman quite fastidious
Ginni made a call so hideous
To expose a plot insidious
To paint the judge a man perfidious.

But all her efforts went for naught
For red handed the judge was caught
And on a payroll the two were bought
So both were left in moods distraught.

The call went out for the judge to resign
For behavior that was hardly benign
But the story of this judge and wench
Ends with the judge still on the bench. 
June 18, 2011

BEANOR’S WEINER

An Ode to John Boehner’s Infidelity.

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There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Palin and Boehner are two peas in a pod. Actually there isn’t even a rumor.


John Beanor what a weiner

Laid a girl when he first seen her

What a guy a real unmensch

Did it on a public bench

Then called it all a misdemeanor.

Let’s send him back to Bowling Greener.

Sorry, about that. I’ve been practicing to become the next Keats. But as you can see I’ve hit a bump in the road.

(Photo courtesy of Matt Fields.  Click photo for link).

June 18, 2011

AARP MONEY MAKER

AARP Promotes New Cash Machine. Offers Cat Food Insurance Policy. Executive Bonuses Expected to Soar With Vastly Increased Revenue.

AARP, the largest insurance agency in the world, has just issued a Cat Food Policy. Seniors who buy the policy and who qualify will receive a coupon entitling them to one ten pound bag of dry generic cat food per year.

An AARP source, who spoke under conditions of anonymity, revealed that the organizati­on has plans to open cat food stores across the nation. The retail outlets would serve the senior community exclusivel­y and would operate as a club which seniors could join by paying a small annual fee. Insurance policy holders would receive a discount at the stores.

The policy also offers a guarantee against starvation­. The guarantee however requires collateral such as a senior’s home, car or TV set or, in the case of diabetics, their syringes. Should a senior fail to pay a policy premium on time the collateral would be subject to seizure.

Seniors with preexistin­g conditions would be eligible for the policies and no physical exam is required.

The source also stated that AARP would be opening pawn shops to sell the seized goods.

The foregoing remarks are not intended to be a factual statement.

From the UPW Newsroom, surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide..

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

June 16, 2011

DON’T STEP IN IT!

I’ve come up with a solution to the trade deficit. It’s so simple I don’t know why no one else has thought of it. Call it a stuff deficit. Since we have all the stuff, we win.

Ever wonder why people have to fix something in order to eat. I say why not eat first and fix something afterward.

And if people continue to fix something to eat, humanity will soon reach a point when there will be nothing left that’s broken. So if you have nothing to fix, can you still eat?

As for me, I like to old maxim: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Now why would anyone want to fix, say, a chicken. Chances are it’s already been killed and no matter what you do you can’t fix dead.

Would you call a bagel smothered in garlic and toasted a Texas Bagel?

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A little pepperoni, some onions and peppers and maybe a little whipped gorgonzola – you couldn’t get better at Coney Island. 

My mother always told me to eat my vegetables. She said they were healthy. They weren’t healthy.  They were dead.

Ever notice how quickly the future comes and then it’s gone. But don’t worry, there’s another one coming. There! Did you see it? 

June 11, 2011

PET PEEVES: STUFF AND DOGS

Americans have too much stuff. They have stuff in oversize homes, stuff in dressers, stuff in closets, stuff in garages and stuff in sheds. They even have stuff in storage.

And when that isn’t enough space they stuff stuff under their beds. There’s even stuff you can buy to raise the level of the bed so you can stuff more stuff under it.

Now I don’t care how much stuff people have. But I am concerned that most of the stuff is cheap shit imported from China. Or Indonesia. Or Malaysia. Or Cambodia. Or Thailand. Or Vietnam. And lotsa people who buy all this stuff listen to Fox News anchors complaining about a trade deficit caused by liberals. That bugs me. But as long as people along with Fox Newsers keep buying all this stuff we’ll continue to have a stuff deficit with all those Asian countries.  But if you think of the deficit in terms of stuff it’s not that bad a thing because we have all the stuff.

Here’s what happens to stuff nobody wants any more. (Photo courtesy of M.O Stevens).

You can always tell which people have too much stuff. They have yards sales to sell their stuff. Likewise, you can tell who the people are who don’t have enough stuff. They buy stuff at yard sales.

People who sell stuff at yard sales think they’re making a killing. They’re actually taking a bath. Most of the stuff that’s sold at yard sales is sold for ten cents on the dollar. And the loss isn’t tax deductible.

People who buy stuff at yard sales think they’re getting a good deal. Not so. They’ll soon be selling that stuff at a yard sale at ten cents on the dollar.

The lesson to be learned here is that if you want a really good deal on some stuff only buy stuff at a yard sale that’s been bought at another yard sale.

When you go on vacation you have to pack stuff. Since you plan a vacation ahead, you always pack stuff that fit ten pounds ago because you want to lose weight before you go on vacation.

If you’re flying to you destination you have to pack your stuff into two bags. One bag is a little one with lots of little stuff that you can carry onto the plane. The other is a big bag stuffed with fifty pounds of stuff the airline won’t let carry on the plane. That’s the important stuff you have to entrust to the airline.

When you arrive at this year’s Shangri la you have the small bag of stuff safely in tow and you go to the luggage area to retrieve the really important stuff.

Gueeeess whaaat!

All the luggage is gone, all the passengers have grabbed their stuff and are gone and the conveyor has stopped and you’re still there staring down at the big black hole hoping one more piece of stuff will appear.

Sucker.

When you finally face the dreaded fact that your stuff isn’t coming out of that hole, you go to the airline desk and complain and an hour later your name is blaring out over the intercom telling you to report back to the desk.

And it’s good news. They found your stuff.

Did you ever notice how good news always seems to be followed by bad news? It’s kind of like a coin. Every coin has two sides. It’s one of the immutable natural laws of the universe. Nobody ever made a coin with one side. Even if the other side was left blank the coin still has two sides.

And so it is with good news. Now you learn your stuff is flying over the Atlantic Ocean half way on its journey to Portugal. Yeah, that’s right, Portugal. One damn flight a week to Portugal and your stuff is on it.

So here you are in Vegas and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it.

Now you’ve got to go buy some stuff. And the stuff has to be size ten pounds ago. And you’ll probably only wear the stuff once because you know you’re gonna gain ten pounds the week after you get back from vacation.

But look on the bright side. Yes, that’s right for every dull side there is a bright side. You’ve got stuff at home and stuff in Vegas and stuff on its way to Europe. So how many people can claim they have stuff scattered over half the Western world?

Another of my pet peeves is dogs on the loose. So I always carry with me a laser light. You know, the kind that’s disguised as a ball point pen that you can clip to your shirt pocket.

One day one of those aforementioned loose dogs came charging at me. I took out my pen and shined the red dot on the ground.

The dog slid to a dead stop: What the fuck is that? I’ve never seen one of those before.

I wiggled the red dot and let the dog play around then maneuvered the dot into the street into oncoming traffic.

Screeching brakes and a dog howling its last never sounded so good.

Now that may seem cruel. But if you think back five minutes when the dog was about to snack on your groin, the whole affair takes on a different perspective.

(Photo courtesy of M.O Stevens at Wikimedia).

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Free_stuff_on_Brookwood_-_Hillsboro,_Oregon.JPG

June 10, 2011

WEINER’S UNDERPANTS EXPOSED

Revealed: Weiner wears Fruit of the Loom.

Senior Correspondent Roger Rant of the UPW News organization reported today that Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) wears Fruit of the Loom underpants. In his report, Rant claimed that he had scooped the major news networks and cable news channels with information the American people have been eagerly awaiting.

A ruckus resulted however when Olive Unctuous disputed the claim in her NBC News SKANK segment. In the report the gossip columnist for the network claimed that she had the scoop first and that it was stolen by Rant when he copied notes from a notebook she accidentally left open. The UPW reporter was then able to convince his organization to interrupt local programming with bulletins throughout the day revealing the brand of underwear Weiner wore and giving rise to the perception that Rant was the first to obtain the exclusive information.

An unidentified witness confirmed the accusations of the theft when he said he observed Rant copying the information which he noted Ms. Unctuous worked very hard to obtain from three of the congressman’s male staff members.

Ms. Unctuous claimed her network refused her request to interrupt programming because the story did not meet guidelines for a bulletin. She was then forced to wait for noontime news programs to air the SKANK segment.

An executive revealed however that the network offered the lead spot on the nightly news to Ms. Unctuous. The offer was withdrawn when the story appeared on local stations throughout the day and became old news.

A view from the rear of Mama Capicola’s famed Washington bistro known to VIP visitors as the Paradisio.

To clear the air of the long simmering feud between Rant and Unctuous the two met for dinner at Washington’s most exclusive Italian ristorante.

Famed throughout the district for cuisine with an international flavor, Mama Capicola’s caters to the most discriminating palate. And for senators and congressmen and other high profile guests, Mama’s boasts a massage parlor behind the kitchen. Known as the Paradisio the parlor indulges the most exotic tastes.

Rant and Unctuous renewed an old friendship at the Capital’s favorite gathering place. It was renewed because they screwed around together for a while.

The two old friends dined on Mountain Goat Cacciatore and Rattlesnake Scallopini and enjoyed a liqueur extracted from Pomeranian puff adder.

After squabbling over the check, which Rant finally ended up paying, the reporters wobbled to one of the little rooms behind the kitchen.

Ahh, Washington. Don’t ever underestimate the marvels of this marvelous town.   

June 6, 2011

COMMITTEE BESTOWS AWARD

The Schmuckup Award is bestowed on famed MSM personalities.

The Nobella Pizza Prize Committee announced the latest in its series of awards from its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Representing the media at the award ceremony were Biff Bluster of File A Report Today and Tush Limpole, the right wing radio talk show host and widely acclaimed nut job. Presenting The Schmuckup Award on behalf of the Committee was Dr. Corruptus Maximus, dean of the famed Sardo Institute of Lame Humor and Some Other Things.

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The photo is a picture of a statuette and award known as the Rammy. It has absolutely nothing to do with The Schmuckup Award but it’s a really cool statue.


The Committee noted that these two fearless journalists were instrumental in carrying the burden of the Mainstream Media by reporting vital news and in many instances breaking stories hours ahead of other news outlets including the world renowned UPW organization.

Mr. Bluster was cited for his scoop on the bulging underpants picture that has embroiled Rep. Anthony Weiner, Democrat from New York, in an Internet scandal. In an interview, Bluster pressed the Democrat until he revealed his belief that his Twitter site must have been hacked. Weiner also admitted in the interview that the bulge couldn’t possibly be his and if more proof was needed he told Bluster to go ask his wife. She should know.

Mr. Limpole won for his discovery that the brand of underpants Weiner was wearing at the time the photo was taken was Fruit of the Loom, one of the cheapest brands on the market and one which no respectable congressman would ever be caught in – or out of for that matter. Limpole criticized Weiner for his choice of underpants and implied that he was too cheap to buy American Eagle, Limpole’s own preference, or even the slightly upscale Hanes.

The Committee praised both for the many other relevant stories they covered in detail among them the Schwarzenegger love child brouhaha which will likely result in a divorce from the former gov’s wife of many years, the Kennedy family notable Maria Shriver.

Limpole was also cited for his coverage of the Trump birther issue which forced President Barack Obama to reveal his full birth certificate. Both Limpole and the Donald however doubted the authenticity of the document citing the vast printing resources of the Federal Government at the disposal of the president. Limpole insisted it was a forgery.

Given a nod at the ceremony was UPW’s own Marcy Popindick whose reporting on such vital issues as the debt limit negotiations, the dreadful job numbers, the suffering among the unemployed, the looming student debt crisis and Paul Ryan’s Kill Medicare Plan earned an honorable mention.  But no award.

Winners of The Schmuckup Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. In addition, winners are given the coveted statuette called The Little Schmucky engraved with the words “Schmucked up beyond all reason.” The Little Schmucky is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. All prizes are awarded while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winners supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

June 4, 2011

OBAMA BUYS RANCH

Sources revealed today that President Barack Obama has purchased a ranch in Crawford, Texas. By making this move the president hopes to change his image with down home country folks who may think he is an elitist.

A southern view of Obama’s new ranch

The chief executive has renamed the ranch The Ponderosa.

Obama also purchased a pair of cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. He did so online so as not to create a fuss in the press about the purchases and to keep his attempt to newly mint himself as secret as possible. In that vein, the president insisted that the goods be delivered in a plain brown wrapper.

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The family dining room in the northside ranch house. The house is one of five on the grounds.

Also scheduled for delivery to the Crawford ranch is a new four door pick up truck fully loaded with the latest electronic gadgetry including a black box with a button the chief executive can press in the event nuclear war is declared. Delivery of the truck has been delayed to give aides a chance to scruff it up so it looks as though it has been in use for several months. Aides are pasting NASCAR stickers on the bumpers as well.

It is also rumored Obama is taking chain saw lessons from a certified lumberjack. Reports are filtering in to the UPW news room that the president is having trouble starting the thing and is becoming frustrated.  Of particular annoyance to Obama is the little red button on the side of the handle that must be pressed before attempting to pull start the saw. He keeps forgetting and had to be rushed to Bethesda Naval Medical Center with a strained muscle

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Accomodations reserved for the press at the ranch.

The president is reportedly reading a book entitled NASCAR For Idiots. A former race car driver has been placed at the president’s disposal in the event he needs help with the book.

Obama will begin taking horseback riding lessons next week.  His first attempt will be on a plastic model with springs attached from a base to the four limbs of the horse.  The chief executive is expected to quickly master the rocking motion and proceed rapidly to the next level.

The president will be ready to strut out his new personality in September and will invite reporters to the Texas White House while he is clearing brush specifically planted for the occasion.

Aides are hoping these changes will give the leader of the free world an authentic country look and garner votes in the election he might otherwise not have gotten

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Additional press facilities at the Ponderosa.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.


June 2, 2011

THE EPISTLE OF JOHN

Econ According to John.

Chapter One, Verse 1.

And George said let there be tax cuts. And there were tax cuts.

And George said let there be wars. And there were wars.

And George said let there be Plan D. And there was Plan D.

And George said let there be bailouts. And there were bailouts.

And George did this in six years. And in the seventh year he rested.

And then he looked about. And he was satisfied with the destructio­n he had wrought.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost