Revealed: Weiner wears Fruit of the Loom.

Senior Correspondent Roger Rant of the UPW News organization reported today that Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) wears Fruit of the Loom underpants. In his report, Rant claimed that he had scooped the major news networks and cable news channels with information the American people have been eagerly awaiting.

A ruckus resulted however when Olive Unctuous disputed the claim in her NBC News SKANK segment. In the report the gossip columnist for the network claimed that she had the scoop first and that it was stolen by Rant when he copied notes from a notebook she accidentally left open. The UPW reporter was then able to convince his organization to interrupt local programming with bulletins throughout the day revealing the brand of underwear Weiner wore and giving rise to the perception that Rant was the first to obtain the exclusive information.

An unidentified witness confirmed the accusations of the theft when he said he observed Rant copying the information which he noted Ms. Unctuous worked very hard to obtain from three of the congressman’s male staff members.

Ms. Unctuous claimed her network refused her request to interrupt programming because the story did not meet guidelines for a bulletin. She was then forced to wait for noontime news programs to air the SKANK segment.

An executive revealed however that the network offered the lead spot on the nightly news to Ms. Unctuous. The offer was withdrawn when the story appeared on local stations throughout the day and became old news.

A view from the rear of Mama Capicola’s famed Washington bistro known to VIP visitors as the Paradisio.

To clear the air of the long simmering feud between Rant and Unctuous the two met for dinner at Washington’s most exclusive Italian ristorante.

Famed throughout the district for cuisine with an international flavor, Mama Capicola’s caters to the most discriminating palate. And for senators and congressmen and other high profile guests, Mama’s boasts a massage parlor behind the kitchen. Known as the Paradisio the parlor indulges the most exotic tastes.

Rant and Unctuous renewed an old friendship at the Capital’s favorite gathering place. It was renewed because they screwed around together for a while.

The two old friends dined on Mountain Goat Cacciatore and Rattlesnake Scallopini and enjoyed a liqueur extracted from Pomeranian puff adder.

After squabbling over the check, which Rant finally ended up paying, the reporters wobbled to one of the little rooms behind the kitchen.

Ahh, Washington. Don’t ever underestimate the marvels of this marvelous town.   


  1. LOL! The average news story these days is just about as profound. ::

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