PET PEEVES: STUFF AND DOGS

Americans have too much stuff. They have stuff in oversize homes, stuff in dressers, stuff in closets, stuff in garages and stuff in sheds. They even have stuff in storage.

And when that isn’t enough space they stuff stuff under their beds. There’s even stuff you can buy to raise the level of the bed so you can stuff more stuff under it.

Now I don’t care how much stuff people have. But I am concerned that most of the stuff is cheap shit imported from China. Or Indonesia. Or Malaysia. Or Cambodia. Or Thailand. Or Vietnam. And lotsa people who buy all this stuff listen to Fox News anchors complaining about a trade deficit caused by liberals. That bugs me. But as long as people along with Fox Newsers keep buying all this stuff we’ll continue to have a stuff deficit with all those Asian countries.  But if you think of the deficit in terms of stuff it’s not that bad a thing because we have all the stuff.

Here’s what happens to stuff nobody wants any more. (Photo courtesy of M.O Stevens).

You can always tell which people have too much stuff. They have yards sales to sell their stuff. Likewise, you can tell who the people are who don’t have enough stuff. They buy stuff at yard sales.

People who sell stuff at yard sales think they’re making a killing. They’re actually taking a bath. Most of the stuff that’s sold at yard sales is sold for ten cents on the dollar. And the loss isn’t tax deductible.

People who buy stuff at yard sales think they’re getting a good deal. Not so. They’ll soon be selling that stuff at a yard sale at ten cents on the dollar.

The lesson to be learned here is that if you want a really good deal on some stuff only buy stuff at a yard sale that’s been bought at another yard sale.

When you go on vacation you have to pack stuff. Since you plan a vacation ahead, you always pack stuff that fit ten pounds ago because you want to lose weight before you go on vacation.

If you’re flying to you destination you have to pack your stuff into two bags. One bag is a little one with lots of little stuff that you can carry onto the plane. The other is a big bag stuffed with fifty pounds of stuff the airline won’t let carry on the plane. That’s the important stuff you have to entrust to the airline.

When you arrive at this year’s Shangri la you have the small bag of stuff safely in tow and you go to the luggage area to retrieve the really important stuff.

Gueeeess whaaat!

All the luggage is gone, all the passengers have grabbed their stuff and are gone and the conveyor has stopped and you’re still there staring down at the big black hole hoping one more piece of stuff will appear.

Sucker.

When you finally face the dreaded fact that your stuff isn’t coming out of that hole, you go to the airline desk and complain and an hour later your name is blaring out over the intercom telling you to report back to the desk.

And it’s good news. They found your stuff.

Did you ever notice how good news always seems to be followed by bad news? It’s kind of like a coin. Every coin has two sides. It’s one of the immutable natural laws of the universe. Nobody ever made a coin with one side. Even if the other side was left blank the coin still has two sides.

And so it is with good news. Now you learn your stuff is flying over the Atlantic Ocean half way on its journey to Portugal. Yeah, that’s right, Portugal. One damn flight a week to Portugal and your stuff is on it.

So here you are in Vegas and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it.

Now you’ve got to go buy some stuff. And the stuff has to be size ten pounds ago. And you’ll probably only wear the stuff once because you know you’re gonna gain ten pounds the week after you get back from vacation.

But look on the bright side. Yes, that’s right for every dull side there is a bright side. You’ve got stuff at home and stuff in Vegas and stuff on its way to Europe. So how many people can claim they have stuff scattered over half the Western world?

Another of my pet peeves is dogs on the loose. So I always carry with me a laser light. You know, the kind that’s disguised as a ball point pen that you can clip to your shirt pocket.

One day one of those aforementioned loose dogs came charging at me. I took out my pen and shined the red dot on the ground.

The dog slid to a dead stop: What the fuck is that? I’ve never seen one of those before.

I wiggled the red dot and let the dog play around then maneuvered the dot into the street into oncoming traffic.

Screeching brakes and a dog howling its last never sounded so good.

Now that may seem cruel. But if you think back five minutes when the dog was about to snack on your groin, the whole affair takes on a different perspective.

(Photo courtesy of M.O Stevens at Wikimedia).

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Free_stuff_on_Brookwood_-_Hillsboro,_Oregon.JPG

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