Greed is good for American CEOs.


Jakarta, Indonesia. Home for many American subsidiaries.  (Photo: Kevin Aureil).

Thank you for calling American Corporation. Your call is important to us so please stay on the line. All of our representatives are currently busy helping other customers. Your call will be taken in the order it is received. Your call may be monitored for quality purposes.

The foregoing of course is simply more corporate bullshit. Corporations, in particular, American corporations, don’t care a twit about you (or their employees for that matter). But what they do care about is your willingness to buy whatever it is there selling. To keep you on the hook, they came up with cheap bullshit voice mails.

Here is what those voice mails are really saying to you.

Thank you for calling one of the greediest American corporations in history. We want to be number one on the greedy list so we’ve instituted voice mail service to enhance our CEO’s bonus. Because he’s trying really, really hard to become a billionaire and wants to reach that lofty status as quickly as possible, he was forced to fire worthless switchboard operators and a lot of minimum wage American employees.

Unfortunately, he has to keep a staff of service representatives because assholes like you won’t stop calling the company with complaints or are just to dumb to use the even cheaper online site.

We’ve designed your wait to be long because we’re really hoping you’ll get pissed off and hang up.

Because some idiots insist on staying on the phone and waiting and waiting, we’ve been forced to hire twenty five cents an hour wage slavers in Asia. Hey, quit complaining. We generously allow them to work twelve hours a day or more (no overtime or even benefits here) but that does get them their cup of tea and bowl of rice a day so they don’t die of starvation. And it’s a lot better than working on some smelly old farm. Pretty good of us isn’t it?

Unfortunately for our CEO, service reps still detract from his bonus and the expense unnecessarily prolongs his rush to billionaire status.

We do monitor calls to ensure quality so we can fire any dead ass reps who can’t ditch their local accents and learn to speak with English pronunciation.

Are you still on the phone? Asshole!



  1. Passed the link along to may wife. I can always hope.


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