Police To Charge Jack and Jill With Water Theft

We’re interrupting our regular news report to bring you this breaking development. Two children have been seriously injured during a fall on Hades Hill. Our reporter Marcy Popindick is standing by on the scene of the tragic incident. Marcy are you, there?”

File:Jack and Jill 2 - WW Denslow - Project Gutenberg etext 18546.jpgPolice charge Jack and Jill with felony water theft, a federal crime.

Yes, Rinaldo, this is Marcy Popindick reporting from the site where two children named Jack and Jill went up the hill you see here behind me. According to eyewitnesses, Jack fell down and broke his crown. Again according to witnesses, Jill, attempting to help Jack, came tumbling after.

Both children have been seriously injured although their condition is not immediately available. We do know that they have been rushed by emergency responders to Lucifer Memorial Hospital.”

Our correspondent Chalkalatta is now on the scene at Lucifer Memorial. Chalkalatta are any details available on the condition of the two children?”

Good evening. This is Chalkalatta Chippie reporting from Lucifer Memorial Hospital. We have just learned that both children who we know only as Jack and Jill have been admitted to Lucifer for evaluation. The condition of both has been listed as critical and surgeons are reportedly rushing to the hospital in an attempt to save the lives of both kids.

Police are withholding the last names of the children until parents are notified. However neighbors have told us that the two have no last names. Yes, that’s right. They have no surnames. They are known only as Jack and Jill.

We have also learned that police are charging the two juveniles with felony criminal trespass and felony theft. According to witnesses this isn’t the first time Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. The kids have apparently done so on numerous occasions.

The wells on the top of the hill as you know are operated by Halliburton and Baker-Hughes corporations who own leases to the regions underground water supplies. The water leases were granted by the Federal Government to corporations some months ago. Several corporations are now owners of the water supply across the entire country.  In order to receive water from the wells residents must purchase coupons from the companies who own the leases. Jack and Jill to anyone’s knowledge did not have coupons and are now suspected by police of felony water theft.

Spokesmen for Halliburton and Baker-Hughes declined to comment on the charges being brought against Jack and Jill.”  

Stand by, Rinaldo. We have just received word from an unreliable source that Chief of Police Buford Barford Bifford has charged the two juveniles with water theft and will read them their rights as soon as they are moved from recovery. That is if they survive their ordeal at all. According to the chief he has eyewitness evidence that the two little thieves have been stealing water from Halliburton and Baker-Hughes for weeks and that the system will not tolerate such criminal behavior and will deal with them to the full extent of the law. 

“This is Chalkalatta Chippie reporting from Lucifer Memorial Hospital. Back to you, Rinaldo.”

This is Rinaldo Rinaldo from the Unreliable Press Worldwide newsroom-surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news across the globe. Details as they become available. We’ll be back after this break.”   

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One Comment to “Police To Charge Jack and Jill With Water Theft”

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