Archive for October 5th, 2011

October 5, 2011

Jack and Jill Trial Ends in Conviction

Good evening. This is Rinaldo Rinaldo reporting from the UPW newsroom. We have a breaking story. A crowd is now gathering in front of police headquarters on Maul Street. We go to our correspondent on location. Chalkalatta can you fill us in on the details.

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This is Chalkalatta Chippie on the scene on Maul Street where a crowd is gathering to protest the conviction of Jack and Jill on charges of felony water theft. You may recall that several months ago Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. The hill, known as Hades Hill, is just a few blocks east of where I’m standing. Jack, who lost his footing, fell down and broke his crown. In a futile attempt to help Jack, Jill came tumbling after.”

The two children, now both convicted felons, were attempting to fetch a pail of water from wells at the top of Hades Hill. The wells are operated by Halliburton and Baker-Hughes Corporations who own leasing rights to the water in the community.”

The protesters here today are calling themselves Occupy Maul Street. Those whom I’ve spoken with say they intend to stay until Jack and Jill receive a new trial and are freed.

We spoke to one of the occupiers who gave her name as Bona Peep. According to Ms. Peep, who owns a flock of sheep, the children were selling the stolen water for ten cents a gallon – a bargain considering the lease owners are charging $3.599 per gallon.

Since the interview the diminutive Ms. Peep, whose friends call her Little Bo, has been peppered sprayed by a burly policeman sporting a Rush Limbaugh tattoo on both arms. The officer then dragged Ms. Peep across the pavement toward the jail at headquarters.

Ms. Peep told us that her flock is dying of thirst and she has lost her sheep because many are wandering off in search of water and she can’t tell where to find them.

She stated to us that she has pleaded repeatedly with executives of Halliburton and Baker-Hughes to provide her with affordable water for her sheep. The executives however ignored her pleas telling her to leave them alone and they’ll come home, wagging their tails behind them.

Dozens of other protestors, who were shouting “lard ass” at police officers – in retaliation, they say, for insults hurled by Rush Limbaugh at female politicians – were pepper sprayed and arrested.

We’re attempting to get an interview with Jack Horner, a town council member and owner of a local bakery famous for its Christmas pie. Mr. Horner has issued a statement of support for the Occupy Maul Street protestors. Since he issued that statement however no one has seen or heard from Mr. Horner.

This is Chalkalatta Chippie on the scene at the Occupy Maul Street protest. Back to you Rinaldo.”

And this is Rinaldo Rinaldo reporting for UPW news – surpassing the Mainstream Media in bringing you uselessly worthless news from across the globe.”