Sex On Campus

I have always had an eye for the ladies. But to my everlasting regret, not much more. My success with the fair sex has been, shall we say, modest, at best.

English: Barbara Wiedemann reading from Half-L...

Poetry was never my thing. But I learned early in college life that it could be a path to other pursuits. Image via Wikipedia

Whatever success I have had, I attribute to two things. First is the ability to overcome the fear of approaching a woman that every young man seems to have, and asking her for a date. The fear of course is one of rejection, that you will be turned down.

Now don’t get me wrong. I was never bold or courageous. So, number two, I simply assumed failure from the outset and proceeded because chances were I would get turned down anyway, so what the hell.

The astonishing thing is that I actually succeeded a few times and managed to get dates and even a few relationships.

Well, after being dumped by my first semester squeeze for a member of the goddam swimming team, I had a desperate need to hookup – and with just about anyone.

We were in second semester chem lab together and I was charmed in an instant. After some banter we decided to partner (small school, not enough equipment, two to a Bunsen burner, that sort of thing).

Our first date was going smoothly – she was gabby and I always responded well enough. We ended up at a C- rated diner and she ordered fish and a baked potato. It came with a sprig of parsley.

Always one with a quip, I blurted out “Do you know the difference between parsley and pussy?”

This is a curly leaved parsley plant (the comm...

The flavorful but seldom eaten parsley plant. Image via Wikipedia

Uh-oh. Dead silence.

There was no way to recover from this fiasco so I just followed through: “Nobody ever eats parsley.”

Not a good joke to tell on a first date. I was thankful she didn’t shove it down my throat – the parsley that is.

And worse, we were lab partners on Tuesday. I was sure she’d dump me.

Sounds like a disaster, huh? Well, I learned the next day from my roommate who dated a girl from the same dorm that the joke flashed through the building like fire in a parched cornfield.

In lab class, she invited me to a poetry reading the girls in her dorm were having that Saturday – the one and only poetry reading I’ve ever attended.

Between poems, the girls told some jokes. And when they came to the parsley quip, there was a roaring laugh and I just knew everyone was looking at me. I’m glad my pants were zipped. I checked.

Things worked out well for us until summer when I got dumped for good. She was a counselor in a girl’s camp with a boy’s camp nearby. She met one of the counselors and I was history.

I consoled myself with the idea that he probably told her a dirtier joke than I did.

Now that may sound like sour grapes. But I’ve been growing a vineyard for decades.

***

Johnny Mathis saved my day.

English: Dwight McCann, http://dwightmccann.co...

Image via Wikipedia

I had two tickets to a Johnny Mathis concert on a Saturday night. I broke up with my girl the Tuesday before.

Knowing she would never break the iceberg that had formed between us and that I would have to make the first move if I didn’t want to waste two perfectly good tickets to a Johnny Mathis concert, I walked over to her dorm and asked several girls if they would make my presence known.

I waited for quite a while but engaged in conversations with a few of the girls who were coming and going. Gee, did they not have dates to the concert and would any of them consider going with me? At least I wouldn’t waste the tickets and who knows what could develop after that.

I guess my girl decided she made me wait long enough. She came into the foyer, took my hand and said: “Let’s go to the Seller’s movie.”

I have no doubt it was Johnny Mathis who saved the day.

***

A girl once told me that if they gave a Nobel Prize for smart asses I’d be the first winner.

I said why shouldn’t they give one to smart asses. They give one to economists don’t they?

Incredibly, they still do.

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One Comment to “Sex On Campus”

  1. LOL! I enjoyed your trip down “romantic” memory lane. 🙂

    Oh, and thanks for your fun contributions to last week’s Limerick-Off!

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