Random Musings

In the midst of an obesity epidemic, a restaurant chain has taken on the name “Fats.” Actually, it’s been around for a while. I often wonder if investors are beginning to regret the choice of name. Would they consider changing it to “Slim’s” or “Skinny’s”? Not sure I’d want to eat at a restaurant with that kind of moniker.

Anyway, food’s pretty good at FATS. And you can get a drink too.

Full disclosure. I don’t own a nickel’s worth of stock in FATS.

***

I’ve always been something of a smart ass. Not a bad ass smart ass. Just a, you know, smart ass.

Went to a diner once with some of my dorm mates. They knew what was coming when I ordered a half rack of rhino ribs with Congo sauce. A few snickers followed.

Without batting an eye, the waitress said: “Sorry, we’re out of rhino but you can have the Congo sauce on a giraffe dick.

Huge laughter all around. The waitress no doubt had been smart assed for years. After all, I’m not the only one in the world. But I learned then and there never to smart ass a waitress who worked in a college town.

***

Warning! The following article has graphic images and sexual content. So you won’t want to miss it.

If a fly got on a plane in New York that landed in Denver, what would the fly’s reaction be when it deplaned?

What the fuuuuuck?

What would the fly’s chances be of getting on a flight back to New York? I mean he’s only got a couple of weeks before he dies.

He’d do better to find a female Musca Domestica and start his own tribe. And that shouldn’t be a problem. Although females copulate only once, they’re really quite eager for male companionship.

English: Houseflies Musca domestica mating. Pi...

Image via Wikipedia

Two flies screwing around.  

(Photo by Muhammad Mahdi Karim).*


Well, I guess you can’t get much more graphic than that photo.

***

I have an idea for a new curriculum for athletes who just want to get the hell out of college and sign on to that big pro contract.

I call it Cake Baking. Now I don’t mean your ordinary Betty Crocker type cake – even though that’s part of the curriculum. I’m talkin’ big event kinda cakes. Like for birthdays and weddings and stuff.

The courses would consist of the following:

Bake-pan Cakes 101 – 3 credits

Two-Layer Cakes 102 – 3 credits

Three-Layer Cakes 103 – 3 credits (Prerequisite 102)

Frosting 104 – 3 credits

Decorating 105 – 5 credits (Includes Laboratory)

Thesis (Two semesters) – 6 credits (Minimum ten paragraphs. Tutoring available).

***

If the Indians had an opportunity to do so, would they really want to take back the country?

***

We’ve all seen bumper stickers displayed by proud parents proclaiming a child’s accomplishments in school.

But how about the kids who aren’t doing so well. I think they deserve a sticker once in a while too. So why not something like the following:

.

My son is a royal fuck up at Lincoln Middle School.

My daughter is an honor student in the boys’ locker room at Mortimer McTurd High School.

My son won the pot smoking contest at Murph the Surfs Charter School for Misfits.

.

You may already have some of your very own favorites.

***

I was in a movie theater once that was evacuated because of a bomb scare. The screen went dark, the lights came up and an announcement came over the speaker system: “Please leave the theater quickly and quietly.”

Police and firemen arrived with sirens blaring. They searched the theater for maybe ten, fifteen minutes, found nothing and declared the place safe to occupy and resume the movie. Sheepishly, everybody went back in.

Afterward, I thought, sure, the squads didn’t find a bomb. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t one there.

On the other hand, if someone wanted to blow up a theater, why would they phone in an advance warning. So a phoned in threat is almost always a prank. Almost.

***

The Bible tells us that the Israelites escaped bondage in Egypt by crossing the Red Sea over a path created by divinely parted waters. So far so good.

There were about a million of them, give or take, and they wandered in the desert for forty years – a situation that would normally give rise to a problem in logistics.

Not to worry. We’re talking God here and he had this whole adventure planned way in advance.

How do you feed a million people lost in a desert for forty years? Manna, that’s how.

Now manna probably isn’t what you thought it was. Actually it’s bird droppings. We’ve all seen bird droppings on a windshield. You may have even witnessed the actual splat from time to time. Not something to look forward to for dinner by any means.

However, to feed a million people with manna would require tens of millions of birds – enough to darken even the desert sky at noon – relieving themselves in a virtual perfect storm.

And this is the diet the Israelites gorged themselves on 24 – 7 – 365, breakfast, lunch and dinner, for forty years.

It always seemed to me that at some time early on Moses should have had a conversation with God about providing a little variety in the diet.

You know, like maybe roast chicken on the Sabbath once in a while. Or London broil, medium rare, seared around the edges.

In any case, stop with the bird shit already.

File:NSRW Quail.png

A quail, the bird that provided manna to the Israelites.

***

I once did a report on Revelation. Not on the writing itself. But on the controversy that surrounded its inclusion in The Bible. Many clerics believed the writings to be sacred and should be included in Holy Scripture. Others thought it was the bat shit crazy work of a tormented soul imprisoned by the Romans on a desolate island in the Aegean Sea.

As we all know the Holy Scripture bishops had their way and Revelation became sacred writings. In my report I sided with the Holy Scripture bishops only out of fear of being burned at the stake if I claimed the writings were indeed the bat shit crazy work of an angry rebel.

File:Burgkmair whore babylon color.jpg

The Whore of Babylon from the writings of John of Patmos as depicted by Hans Burgkmair (1473-1531). Scholars believe John intended the Whore to represent Rome.

I have since come to a greater appreciation of the work of John, the persecuted prisoner on Patmos. With the advent of computer animation and now 3-D, I’ve thought for some time Revelation would make a great movie. And now I wonder: Why didn’t I think of that? I coulda been rich.

*As always click the photo for the URL and full attribution.

Advertisements
Tags:

2 Comments to “Random Musings”

  1. Santorum is downright scary as a candidate. He was one of the worst Senators I can remember us ever having in PA. Cannot imagine how bad of a president he would be.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: