Archive for January, 2012

January 29, 2012

Scientists Discover New Species

Archeologists at the Sardo Institute have discovered a new species of dinosaur. Laboring under harsh winter conditions in London, Ontario, the scientists at the Institute excavated a huge site and found largely intact skeletal remains. The scientists described the beast they found at the dig as one of the most vicious ever to roam the earth. They named the newly discovered creature Tyrannosaurus Caterpillar after the CEOs of a nearby manufacturing plant who are demanding that workers accept large reductions in pay and a sharp decline in living standards so the executives can pad their own greedy pockets.

 

First restoration of a Tyrannosaurus skeleton ...

Image via Wikipedia

A vicious beast scientists believe was responsible for its own extinction. The discoverers of the species have named it the T-Cat.

According to skeletal evidence, the T-Cat was so voracious that it allowed its own young to starve while it consumed the local supply chain so quickly during an extended period internecine conflict that it eventually caused its own extinction. Only about one percent of the violent beasts survived for a short period after the inter-species rivalry caused its annihilation.

 

English: Intersection along the Veterans Memor...

Image via Wikipedia

A section of the Veterans’ Memorial Parkway in London, Ontario. It’s OK to name a road after the men and women who served their country but as far as giving them good paying jobs with good benefits, the message from greedy CEOs is pretty much “screw you.”

 

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January 29, 2012

Prayer in Public Schools

Three things kids pray for in school:

  1. That a good majawanna crop comes in. “But officer I was only growing it to make rope.”
  1. Free condoms in the cafeteria. “I’ll take two dozen.” “Are you sure that will be enough, Mary?”
  2. Sex education labs. Well, hell, if they’re going to give away free condoms, why waste a good thing.

    English: sex education

    Image via Wikipedia

    This is what an unused condom looks like. They come in several designer colors.


English: sex education. Condom with studs

Image via Wikipedia

This condom comes with a stud. Something I would definitely look into, ladies.

January 29, 2012

Atheist Threatened for Prayer Ban

A student atheist has been receiving threats because she demanded a flag containing a prayer be removed from school grounds.

Mary Magdalene, in a dramatic 19th-century pop...

Image via Wikipedia

Mary Magdalene pictured praying for repentance. This poor woman, most probably the wife of Jesus Christ and possibly the mother of his child, has been maligned by the Church as a prostitute. 

Prayer belongs in church and in the home and not on public property.

Actually, students can prayer any where they want, any time they want, by simply bowing their heads and praying. They can pray while changing classrooms, or on the bus to and from school. They can pray in the car along with their parents if they are driven to school. They can even rise an hour early and go to church every morning and pray before leaving for school.

Moreover, anyone can go to a public courtroom everyday of the week and sit quietly in the rear and pray.

I often wonder how many people actually practice these activities. My guess is absolutely zero.

What praying folks really want to do is to get up in front of a classroom or a courtroom and force everybody to pray the way they want them to.

If that’s the case, I really don’t object to praying on public property so long as everybody says the prayers I tell them to. Any one have a problem with that? If I had to take a guess, I suspect most people would have a very big problem with that.

On another thread, when I was dating I would often pray that I would get laid. Sometimes it worked. That’s as good a reason as any to keep prayer out of schools. Who really knows what the damn kids are praying for.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

January 28, 2012

Creationists Creating Curriculum

Bible proselytizers are at it again. They’re proposing a creationist curriculum that would force teachers in Indiana public schools to instruct students in the Bible version of the beginning of time.

These folks never quit even though their beliefs are utterly preposterous.

Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden

Image via Wikipedia

Nice painting of some naked people but where’s all the dinosaurs?


According to some creationists, for example, men and dinosaurs co-existed. So if Adam and Eve were not expelled from the Garden of Eden, presumably we could all have a pet T-rex.

I’ve often wondered if a T-rex could be house broken. If so where would he mess and who would clean up after him.

Would you have to curb your dinosaur? How big would a pooper scooper be.? Would you need an 18-wheeler to deliver vittles for your pet? Would supermarkets sell dino treats? Would it need rabies shots and a license? Could you attach a leash to his collar and take him for a walk? What would happen if he spied a female T-rex in the park?

eaten by creationism

Image by reallyboring via Flickr

You’ve already had your snack today Fido.

Just a thought.

January 28, 2012

Former Fed Chair Missing

Former Chairman of the Federal Reserve Alan Gr...

Image via Wikipedia

All you really have to do to win the Presidential Medal of Freedom is be wrong about the housing bubble, deregulation and the “free market.”  Congratulations, Alan.  You hit the trifecta. 

UPW Senior Reporter Marcy Popindick is reporting that Alan Greenspan has disappeared after publishing an op-ed in the Financial Times.


 Attempts to reach Greenspan have been futile.

Hello, Alan. Alan, are you there? Come in Alan.”

Houston, we have a problem. Alan Greenspan is lost in space.

        Say “cheese” Alan.  Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Update. According to this developing story, Greenspan is not lost in space. He’s just lost it. The former Federal Reserve Chairman said capitalism is not responsible for income inequality.

A spokesman for the former Fed Chair, speaking under conditions of deep background, stated Greenspan believes that feudalism and the Knights of the Round Table had more to do with inequality, deregulation and the housing bubble than modern capitalism.

400-cheney-05

Image via Wikipedia

Alan Greenspan reading Ayn Rand comics to former Vice President Dick Cheney.  

Other news organizations are reporting that Greenspan has gone into hiding after making such inane comments in his Financial Times op-ed.

Anybody who still gives one shit about anything this man has to say please raise your hand. Nobody. That’s what I thought.

Related articles

January 22, 2012

Random Musings

Newt has demonstrated in the past that he certainly wants to get in there.

Scientists tell us that the G-spot – an area of pleasure in a woman – doesn’t really exist. The area is an accumulation of nerves that extend from the clitoris, the most sensitive area on a woman’s body.

Now I haven’t known – in the Biblical sense – a whole lot of women in my day. However, I never met one who cared where the pleasure originated as long as it came on a fairly regular basis.

I was lucky to know something about a woman’s body. When I was 17 years old, I sent away for a sex manual. You know, the kind that used to come in a brown paper wrapper.

You had to be 21 to send for it and sign a statement attesting to your age. Well, I figured I was close enough and since I worked and had my own checking account, I sent away for it.

Wow. Stuff you don’t know when you’re 17.

I was also fortunate enough to be able to practice some of the stuff I learned from the book on a girl who lived across the street. Actually, there were days when we sat and read the book together.

Back in the day just about all activity was permissible except actual penetration. Since birth control devices were not yet readily available to kids, and since we didn’t trust the rhythm method we’d read about, we pretty much limited activity to what was referred to as “heavy petting.” Most girls engaged in that practice. However, actual relations were verboten.

In any case, I cannot recall a single girl, or later women, who asked about a G-spot or even a clitoris.

Now I have to carry this scientific report just one step further and then I promise I’ll drop it.

File:T. rex old posture.jpg

I wonder if female dinosaurs were able to direct their male counterparts to the right spot. Maybe they just got fed up with all the shit and quit having sex altogether. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my theory of the great dinosaur extinction. The males just couldn’t find the G-spot.

So as far as the scientists are concerned: Have a ball and don’t worry about this or that spot.

***

Some psychiatrist has claimed that Newt Gingrich’s acts of infidelity are a qualification for the presidency – at least those that Gingrich admits to any way.

Gee whiz!!! If I only knew, I coulda been president. And had some fun along the way. And it’s a good way to make a fast buck besides.

Although, in my case, premarital infidelity would have to count – if there is such a thing.

Perhaps the reason no woman has ever been elected president of the US is that they’re just too damn faithful. Ladies, there’s a lesson to be learned here.

The psychiatrist’s name by the way is Keith Ablow. Ablow??? Are they kidding? Now there’s Rorschach fodder if I have saw it. 


Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Newt Wins SC Primary

Callista must really be excited. Betcha she gets a half million dollar shopping trip to Tiffany next week. If she ever becomes first lady the Marines will need a separate helicopter to transport her jewels to Camp David, a Chinook no doubt.

January 21, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

File:Baby.jpg

Is there anything more beautiful on God’s green Earth? The photo is by Carin Araujo, http://www.prtc.net/~carin who permits its use to the public, Mama and Papa have every right to be very proud. (2006).

When I was in high school, several young women got pregnant without benefit of marriage. Thankfully, all of the babies were healthy, happy, bouncing boys and girls.

From those happy events I concluded that the best place to conceive was in the back seat of a car.  Of course, I was much younger then.

Today, most people I know, even those who are married, conceive in more traditional locations.

Back in the day, however, we kids didn’t have access to methods of birth control. So the choices were abstention or risk it.

I recall a conversation with a young girl who was friends with one who risked it and came up short. The friendship of course was terminated. But she did say that her former friend prayed and prayed that she would not conceive.

I believe we all know by now that abstention really does work but only if you abstain. And as for prayer, well I’m sorry to disappoint any Christians who may believe otherwise, but Jesus doesn’t prevent pregnancy.  Just not in his job description.

Anyway, regardless of the circumstances, the outcome is beauty beyond compare.

***

Warning! The following paragraph contains adult material and a really nasty joke. So you won’t want to pass it up.

First marine: I gotta take a piss.

Second marine: Let’s go kill someone.

Oh my god! That really is nasty. My soul is destined for eternal damnation, I just know it.

So what the hell.

***

We hear constantly that the US owes trillions of dollars in debt to foreign nations. Did you know that the US owns debt from foreign nations equal to 89% of the debt it owes?

Now let’s go right wing stupid for just a moment, use a comparison provided by right wing propaganda the intent of which is to frighten the wits out of Americans and compare the US government’s situation with household debt.

If your neighbor owned 100% of your house but you owned 89% of his, how bad off would you be? Let’s face it, that position is a standoff.

And so it is with US foreign debt and ownership. If the US debt is called in and the US retaliates by calling the foreign debt it owns, the economy of the entire planet goes kerwoosh. The only way that will ever happen is if Wall Street can profit from it. Trouble is the fat cats are no doubt trying to figure out a way to make it happen right now.

***

Did you know that the comparison right wing economists make between the US debt and household debt would be accurate with just one stipulation.

Let’s say your wife went shopping and just bought a million dollars worth of jewelry you couldn’t pay for. However, in your study you have a printing machine that could print perfectly legal tender. In addition, you could write letters to 2000 of your neighbors and inform them that they will now have to contribute $1000.00 more to your tax fund every year. Voila’ You now have a surplus and your wife can go shopping again.

The United States Mint Police

United States Mint Police

If you had one of these parked your garage, your wife could shop 24/7. Image by cliff1066™ via Flickr

So this whole debt issue is bogus, a sham, perpetrated on an ill informed public the purpose of which is to bilk the many greenhorns among us who believe all the bullshit.

Yes the genetically defective Wall Street fat cats have engineered an all out attack on the people’s Social Security savings and are fighting a desperate battle to privatize Medicare and turn it into a profit making venture for rich investors.

Vouchers??? Oh yeah, vouchers. More Wall Street bullshit. Let’s say a voucher is worth $300.00 a month and a profit health insurance policy costs $1000.00. Guess who pays the difference? And if you can’t afford it, well, like the old Chinese laundry adage goes: “No tickey, no shirty.”

Oh, surely, you say those Wall Street mutations who resemble human beings wouldn’t let you die for lack of health insurance.

Surely it’s a different matter than letting coal miners die a mile below the surface of the earth by shortchanging safety regulations; or killing workers on oil rigs by taking the same shortcuts; or boosting nicotine levels in deadly cigarettes to ensure addiction; or polluting drinking water through the practice known as fracking.

Surely the fat cats will see to it that you get medical treatment even if you can’t afford expensive profit insurance.

OK.

***

Mitt Romney stated that if he is elected president he will stop the Chinese from stealing American intellectual property, patents and know-how. Apparently, he would prefer to have, Indonesia, India, Vietnam, Thailand, etc, etc, etc., steal it.

***

According to the website Gizmodo, there are 5,000 janitors with Ph,Ds in the US. That statistic is truly surprising. I always found janitors to be a lot smarter than that.

The article continues and reveals that numerous holders of advanced degrees have been forced to work at menial jobs.

Perhaps the country should finally admit that its economic decline has been so precipitous and so profound that it no longer needs so many highly educated people and its now time to begin shuttering some colleges and universities. I’m certain right wing extremists would relish the closings. Think of all the professors we could fire and the tax cuts the rich would rake in. The very thought must be sending chills up and down their spines every moment of every day.

Read the entire article below:

http://gizmodo.com/5671062/there-are-5000-janitors-in-the-us-with-phds

See U.S. Department of Treasury report on U.S. holding of foreign debt.

http://www.treasury.gov/press-center/press-releases/pages/tg1285.ASPX

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January 20, 2012

Random Musings

Judaism never had a “Hell.” Then along came the Christians and scared the shit outta everybody.

File:Anónimo - Inferno (ca. 1520).jpg

A depiction of Hell circa 1520, artist unknown.

***

If Jesus were alive today he couldn’t cure cripples. He couldn’t cure the disabled. He couldn’t even cure the disadvantaged. He could only cure the physically challenged and, of course, the mentally challenged. The greedily challenged, however, are beyond the help of even the Almighty.

***

We hear everyday that global warming is endangering the planet. Nothing could be further from the truth. The planet will do just fine. In fact in will remain intact and in orbit for billions of years, at least until the sun exhausts its supply of hydrogen and expands, thereby vaporizing everything between it and Mars.

So I wouldn’t worry about planet Earth for at least another five or six billion years.

File:Planet earth.jpeg

The question before us now is will the planet be able to support civilized life, human life at any level or life of any form whatsoever. We shall learn the answer to that question in short order.

***

Marriage is a strange custom. Ever wonder why it exists and who invented it? Apparently women gained security when they limited a relationship to one male. And the male was always certain that any offspring that resulted from the relationship bore his genes. He was therefore induced to support the children and the woman who delivered them.

But why the ceremony? Today a wedding costs thousands of dollars, the vows exchanged are often meaningless and far too many males split and refuse to support the offspring; or at least must be compelled by force of law to provide for the children.

File:Martita hunt the brides of dracula (1).jpg

Who said all brides are beautiful??  Photo from the movie The Brides of Dracula is in the public domain.

While monogamy in primitive times may have provided security for a female and her offspring, marriage today seems far from an acceptable arrangement. And the wedding to boot often costs thousands of dollars (or millions if you’re a member of “society”).

I seem to recall that American slaves would consummate a marriage by jumping over a broom. What could be simpler than that? And the system probably worked as well, if not better, than some of today’s million dollar blowouts.

And at some point though some clever lawyer would undoubtedly declare that if a spouse jumped over the broom in the opposite direction he or she would be divorced. Now that’s what I call simple.

***

Did you know that York, the capital of Canada during the War of 1812, was invaded and burned by American forces?

With revenge firmly imbedded in their hearts for the burning of their capital, British troops invaded the United States and marched on Washington, DC.

The U.S. Capitol after the burning of Washingt...

Washington, DC after British forces set it ablaze. Image via Wikipedia

American irregulars, armed with muskets, defended the city. At the first sight of disciplined British troops marching toward the US defenses, the American defenders tucked tail and ran. Obviously they didn’t want any part of that shit.

The British army then entered the US capital and, in retaliation for the burning of York, set fire to the city and burned it to the ground.

Betcha your history teacher never told you that. Betcha he didn’t know it either.

***

There was a time when I was so broke I couldn’t afford to take my girl to a free movie.

Yes. There were free movies on campus. However, you were expected to buy a coke and popcorn to support the worthless cause that was showing the free movie.

We managed to find other things to do. Thankfully she was a good sport. We would sit in the Commons with friends, each with old Coke cups we had saved, fill them with water and listen to jukebox music the other kids played.

For a long while I thought of those moments and missed them. I often wondered if she did.

January 7, 2012

Nobella Committee Announces Award

Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Jan. 07, 2012

The Nobella Prize Committee Selects Rick Santorum As Winner of the MVP Award.

, U.S. Senator from Pennsylvania.

Former senator Rick Santorum. Image via Wikipedia

The Nobella Prize Committee today awarded its MVP prize to former Pennsylvania senator and current Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum for his work in Economics.

Mr. Santorum’s discovery that gay marriage is the cause of the Great Republican Recession won plaudits from right wing economists across the globe.

The former senator’s study faulting the breakdown of the family and a decline in moral values on what he referred to as “this whole redefintion of marriage”

Santorum blamed gay marriage for the moral failings of both Wall Street and Main Street and stated that this failure causes recessions. The committee inferred from Mr. Santorum’s findings that all we need to do is end gay marriage and kids will stop engaging in sexual relations after school (or at least say a prayer before they get laid), everybody will be blessed with morality by the Holy Spirit and we’ll all get rich.

The members of the committee stated that the strides made by Santorum’s findings will advance the knowledge of the counterfeit science and aid economists in predicting future recessions.  

The committee noted that economists have been wrong about predicting six out of the last five recessions.

.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. .

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar engraved with the words “putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie the statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy. UPW: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

Pasta e fagioli soup

Pasta E Fagioli. Image via Wikipedia

January 5, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

The White House announced today that it will be charging a $2.00 convenience fee to supporters who ask questions of the president at campaign rallies.

Republicans immediately countered with a $5.00 fee; $6.00 dollars if the question wasn’t approved in advance.

***

English: Richard Cordray, Attorney General of Ohio

Richard Cordray, President Obama's recess appointment to head the consumer protection agency. The Image via Wikipedia

As you all know by now, President Obama has picked a fight with Republicans over the appointment of Richard Cordray to head the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.

The president challenged the GOP to a winner take all pinky wrestling contest. The match has been scheduled for January 9 and will be covered by all three major news networks as well as cable news outlets.

Senior Reporter Marcy Popindick of UPW News has obtained an exclusive story on the issue. According to a White House source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, the president suffered a sprained pinky finger in sparring matches with Press Secretary Jay Carney. The unnamed source reported that the president is currently undergoing treatment for the sprained little finger.

First responders rushed the chief executive to Walter Reed Army Medical Center where the emergency vehicle driver discovered the facility had been closed for several months.

According to Ms. Popindick, the vehicle transporting the president was last seen parked at a convenience store where it is believed the driver stopped to get directions to Bethesda Naval Medical Center.

Meanwhile, the president, who complained of persistent pain in his pinky, rested comfortably after the attendants administered a sedative.

Ms. Popindick reported that the president was scheduled to undergo an MRI to determine the extent of the injury.

In the interim, the president appointed his 10 year old daughter, Sasha, as the presidential replacement in the match should the chief executive not make a full recovery before the challenge event takes place.

English: Jay Carney, American journalist

Jay Carney expresses concern after injuring the president's little finger in a pinky wrestling contest. Image via Wikipedia

Unfortunately, a conflict of scheduling forced Sasha to decline her father’s appointment.

Under the circumstances, the president had no choice but to make a recess appointment during the Senate’s holiday hiatus thereby pissing off Republicans to no end.

***

Ms. Popindick also reported today that unnamed Democrats are delighted with the filibuster arrangement as it exists in the Senate. It allows Republicans to overrule any legislation that benefits the 99% – thereby doing the dirty work for the Dems. So Democrats cash in on the big time corporate money through their complicity with the filibuster while pretending to their base that the meanies in the GOP keep obstructing their policies.

Hey, what’s the use of being a Democrat if you can’t stab your supporters in the back every once in a while.

***

Environmentalists have been protesting the use of Styrofoam for years. They’ve been doing so for the simple reason that it takes 1,000,000 years for the plastic to degrade.- yes, that’s right one million years. Personally, I’m not worried about it. From what I can ascertain from environmental policy in Follyland not too many politicians are concerned about it either.

I’ve been told that Styrofoam can be put to good use aerating soil. So fuggedabout all that mulch you been waiting to rot. Start throwing Styrofoam cups in your garden and mix them with the dirt. The nice thing about it is you’ll only have to do it once every million years or so.

***

The president announced two appointments to the Federal Reserve – one a Democrat, the other a Republican. GOP senators vowed to approve the nomination of the Republican but to reject the Democrat.

Oh, poopy,” the president is reported to have said.