Archive for February, 2012

February 26, 2012

Committee Announces Awards

Pasta Fagioli, Italy

From its hideout deep the Italian Alps, the Nobella Prize Committee today announced two awards. The members of the committee granted the MVP award to the male members of the Virginia legislature for sponsoring and passing legislation that would force newly pregnant women who sought an abortion to undergo a procedure called a transvaginal probe. The device would be inserted into the woman’s vagina to determine the age of a zygote recently implanted in a womb.

File:Scheme female reproductive system-cs.svg

Page from a pamphlet used to instruct the Virginia Legislature about the female reproductive system. Initially, instructors used a pamphlet printed in the English language. But that didn’t help much either. 

Involuntary, forced insertion of an object into a woman’s vagina is defined as rape by many law enforcement agencies.

However, the members of the legislature were not deterred by the definition of rape. They proceeded to pass the law that would force women to permit the involuntary insertion of the probe into their vaginas. Her doctor would be compelled to perform the procedure as well.

The purpose of the law and the transvaginal probe were attempts by the male members of the Virginia legislature to convince women to forgo abortions.

After an uproar from the women across the nation, the governor of Virginia decided not to sign the bill into law after indicating that he would do so.

Nevertheless, the Committee awarded the Most Valuable Putz prize to the male members who voted in favor of penetration of a woman’s vagina without her consent.  

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. 

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar engraved with the words “putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winners supplies just ran out.

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Committee Awards Second Prize

The Nobella Prize Committee of Pasta Fagioli, Italy announced the winner of a second award.

The members awarded The Schmuckup Prize to Gov. Bob McDonnell for his support of legislation that would force a pregnant woman seeking an abortion to undergo a transvaginal probe, that is, an involuntary insertion of an ultrasound device into the woman’s vagina. The probe determines the age of a recently implanted zygote and is intended to convince the woman not to have an abortion.

McDonnell, who hopes to be appointed as vice president on the Republican’s 2012 ticket, reversed course after, but only after, the bill caused an uproar among many women voters.

 File:US Navy 100111-N-9095H-064 aster Chief Navy Diver Ross Garcia speaks with Virginia Governor-Elect Bob McDonnell at the USO of Hampton Roads at Joint Expeditionary Base Little Creek-Fort Story.jpg

McDonnell wooing the military vote.

Explaining the turnabout, a spokesman said the governor didn’t know that the law required sticking a long, hard thing up a woman’s woowoo for it to work.

As the winner of The Schmuckup Award, McDonnell receives a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. In addition, winners are given the coveted statuette called The Little Schmucky engraved with the words “Schmucked up beyond all reason.” The Little Schmucky is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

All prizes are awarded while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

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February 25, 2012

Random Musings

I know women resent being called a bitch, so I will refrain from referring to Brewer as one.  The photo depicts Gov. Jan Brewer of AZ dressing down the President of the United States.

 

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

***

Here is my definition of a newt: a fart that comes with an unexpected load.

Can’t take complete credit for that definition. The idea comes from the Jack Nicholson movie The Bucket List. He delivered the line as only Jack can do saying about aging that when you get older “never trust a fart.”

***

Losing a loved one is difficult. But when you take your baby son or daughter or grandson or granddaughter in your arms and realize that your death makes their lives possible – well, I’d choose death over immortality every time. And I believe most of us would choose the former as well.

***

My muse has always been a disagreeable critter. I dropped mine on the floor a couple years ago and still haven’t found it. It’s around here somewhere though. Little bastard.

Kinda like dropping an aspirin on the floor. Ever notice it seems to vanish before it ever hits the ground.

***

An individual seeking a Plan B contraceptive may well be exercising freedom of religion since her religion grants her the right to use that contraceptive method as well as others that may prevent the implantation of a zygote.

If your religion doesn’t prohibit the use of the contraceptive, whose to say you can’t use it – some bishop.

***

File:Roman Empire Map.png

The Roman Empire. (Map courtesy of Jani Niemenmaa, 2004. As always, click the photo for the link).

American exceptionalism expresses similar sentiments about the way Americans feel toward their country as the Romans felt about their city, their empire and themselves – the best thing to happen to the world since olive oil.

Of course, the Roman thing lasted about seven hundred years. You gotta wonder if this American imperial experience lasts even three hundred years. The Romans, after all, only conquered the Western world. We’re out after the whole damn planet.

File:The Blue Marble.jpg

The American Empire, as least as the neocons see it.

***

I hear tell of a Wall Street T-Rex who earns $18,700.00 in one hour. That’s about ten times more than an average worker earns in an entire lifetime working for 45 years.

And there are tyrannosaurs on the Street who make even more money than that. They complain about taxes!!!!! Oh my, poor babies – or should we say “billionaires.” To have such a bill would be a pleasure.

And Mitt Romney is now vowing to profitize Social Security and Medicare so the tyrannosaurs can make even more money.

Bet they figure out a way to avoid paying taxes on that scarol altogether.

(Scarol – Mafia word for geetus, moolah, cabbage, the green stuff).

February 25, 2012

Santorum Declines Probe

Scientists at the Sardo Institute of Proctology have developed a transcolon ultrasound probe that can detect penile penetration in the anus of men. Before being sworn in, all male members of the Virginia legislature will be required to undergo a transcolon probe.

File:Piskarevka station old building.JPG

The Sardo Institute of Proctology conveniently located near an abandoned railroad.

All new male members of Congress will be required to undergo the procedure as well.

Actually, it’s not a bad idea. Good way to come out of the closet.

When asked to volunteer for trials of the new device, Rick Santorum declined saying it was an invasion of his privacy.

A spokesman for Santorum said what he does with his asshole is nobody’s business but his own.

***

Wife Drives Two Caddys

Mitch Romney claimed today that his wife drives two Cadillacs. The dog sits on the roof.

File:Cadillac-Deville.jpg

Two Caddys in every garage.

***

 Gov. Bob McDonnell of Virginia today underwent a transcranial ultrasound probe. The test revealed nothing.

When commenting on the legislation requiring pregnant women to undergo a transvaginal untrasound probe, the governor said “what’s a vagina anyway? Oh, that’s a vagina.”

The governor also stated that in the future he will insist that advisers read legislation and explain it to him before he issues any comments.

File:Female reproductive system lateral.png

So who does this belong to anyway: Republicans, the Church or the woman who owns it.

February 23, 2012

Hearings on Religious Freedom

Committee Chairman Says Hearings Are on Freedom of Religion And Not Birth Control for Women.


File:Congressman Darrell Issa.jpg

Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) Chairman of the House Oversight Committee.

The House Committee on Oversight held a hearing this week on the mandate in Obama’s Affordable Care Act that employers provide birth control coverage to women free of charge. Testifying before the committee was the Rt. Rev. William E. Lori who protested the mandate, claiming that it violated the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom of religion.

He likened the requirement to forcing all restaurants that serve food to offer pork on the menu, including Kosher delis.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for Olive Garden, speaking under conditions of anonymity, told UPW reporter Marcy Popindick that, in order to avoid criticism that freedom of religion is violated by the current menu and to accommodate devoutly religious Jews, the restaurant chain would begin serving gefilte fish in all of its establishments. Another menu item under consideration is bagels and lox.
File:Olive park Roquebrune3.jpg

So that’s what an olive garden looks like.

English: English: Barack Obama signing the Pat...

President Obama signing the Affordable Care Act that requires employers to provide birth control to women free of charge.

The owner of a Jewish delicatessen across the street from an Olive Garden restaurant complained that the chain would now be engaging in unfair competition with small privately owned establishments.

However, the deli owner noted that scientists at the Sardo Institute of Veterinary Medicine and Animal Husbandry have developed a hormone that renders pig meat porkless and that he may begin serving that delicacy in his delicatessen.

The hormone, a synthetic chemical developed at the Institute, genetically modifies the fetus of a pregnant hog so that the newborn produces porkless meat.

Scientists at the Sardo Veterinary School have also invented a sound wave emitting probe which, when inserted into the pregnant pig’s vagina, determines that the genetic modification has actually taken place. The pregnant pig, according to the scientists, will not be forced to view the resulting sonogram.

File:Pigs.jpg

Scientists at the Sardo Institute have described these pigs as providing porktless meat.

Observant Jews will be gratified to know that they can now enjoy a BLT or a pepperoni pizza without violating dietary laws. The new porkless pig meat, however, causes stomach cancer in humans.

According to the spokesman for Olive Garden the new menu will begin to appear in the restaurants in the near future.

From the UPW newsroom, surpassing the mainstream media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

February 19, 2012

Random Musings

Breaking News: Just off the wires of Unreliable Press Worldwide. An administration official announced today that Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase, Citigroup and Wells Fargo, four of the largest banks in the world, have engineered a leveraged buyout of the White House. The banks now officially own the most famous landmark in Washington and are planning to offer an IPO sometime within the next month. The initial offering will be set at $10,000.00 per share.

File:White House and the National Christmas Tree in Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2009.jpg

The owner of 1,000 shares will purchase the right to submit a lobbyist prepared piece of legislation to the president for his approval and submission to Congress for an up or down vote.

A billionaire hedge fund owner, who spoke under conditions of anonymity, remarked “I’ve been doing this all my life. Now I gotta pay for it.”

***

Whatever is this world coming to? Mail order condoms for free. And to think I had to pay for them. Now that really pisses me off.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

***

Until we stop admiring and praising the wage slavers on Wall Street and in the corporations (and the anointed Steve Jobs was one of the slavers) there won’t be a real improvement in wages for the American worker. Need two thousand slavers to switch plastic to glass. One herd coming right up. Only takes a minute. Cheap too.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Only when the labor/management turmoil of the 20th century returns with the support of a least one of the existing political parties, will conditions for working people begin to improve. Until then the lot of the middle class will continue to deteriorate.

What will the US economy look like for the next 100 years.? My guess: About half of us will be doing OK – teetering on the edges of a middle class existence. The other half will be waiting on tables and cleaning up after.

File:Cookers in the White House kitchen.jpg

***

Someone once said there is no such thing as a stupid question; only stupid answers. So if you’re a student, ask. Hopefully, you’ll get an intelligent answer. But I wouldn’t count on it.

***

Should we call Romney the “fallback” kid. MN, MO and now maybe even Michigan. Could these states be the Bain of his political life?

People who fire people aren’t the luckiest people in the world. At least not always. Rich maybe, but not lucky.

***

The payroll tax cut is a bad deal in more ways than one. First it isn’t funded and will contribute to the deficit. Adding SS to the nation’s debt, as this deal does, gives to SS haters yet another excuse to cut, gut and profitize the program for the benefit of Wall Street tyrannosaurs – those profit monsters who have been salivating at the idea of profitizing the program as yet another means of feeding their voracious greed.

Then it raises the suspicion that Obama is in on the profitizing scheme – he of the Cat Food Commission to cut the program and who has put the program on the surgical table in several failed negotiations with Republicans. – still supports cuts to Social Security. In any case, not funding the payroll tax cut makes the program more vulnerable to profitizing schemes regardless of who the next president is.

Moreover, the payroll cut is so small for many workers that some never realized they received a tax cut from Obama in the first place.

There were better ways to offer a cut – for example, a $200.00 check per quarter to all working people. At the very least, they would be aware of the fact that they received a cut.

An unfunded payroll tax cut could well open the floodgates to vast changes in the Social Security in the very near future. The 1% want to get their greedy hands on it and they may well succeed after the next election. A sure wet dream for a Wall Street T-Rex.

As for Obama, when he finally leaves the White House, how does president of the Peter G. Peterson Foundation with a multimillion dollar salary sound. If Obama continues to be a good little puppy he’s sure to receive a pat on the head from Peterson – who of course is the billionaire hedge fund operator and Hater in Chief of all safety net programs.

***

There is some truth to believing that the president acted in the best interests of the US economy when he signed the stimulus bill. But Obama naively tried to compromise with the GOP even when one of its leaders declared that his job was to make the president a one termer.

Obama should have demanded much more from Republicans, fought harder for his demands and, quite possibly, would have won a greater stimulus. And yes the recovery would be farther along than it is.

However, he badly miscalculated the resistance of the Republicans and received horrible economic advice from a handful of the advisers he appointed. Although the stimulus achieved a measure of success – several million jobs were created and millions more were saved – only about one third of the package went to actual job creation. About one third saved existing jobs. And the last portion was tossed away in meaningless tax cuts.

As for the advice from his Ivy League trained mentors, he may well yet pay a bitter price for their incompetence.

These high priced, hot shot economists were outfoxed by a clever little lady sitting unnoticed on the Senate’s Finance Committee. The lady of Maine, Sen. Olympia Snowe was principally responsible for whittling the bill down to make it minimally effective. It was her interminable haggling that now permits Republicans to claim the stimulus was a failure.

File:Collladna.jpg

The shrewd ladies of Maine. What a pair! Susan Collins with Snowe on the right.

In any case, Obama has shown beyond a shadow of doubt that he is not to be trusted. He’s a member of the 1% and wants desperately to move up the ladder to the .1%; who knows, if he plays his cards right, maybe even the.01%

Where do you fit into this picture: Election Day is Tuesday, Nov. 6, 2012. Be sure to get out and vote for Obama. Then fuck off.

***

Einstein once said something to the effect that faith was human but proof was a gift of God and, therefore it is derived from natural law. Perhaps to avoid controversy he ended his statement at that point.

But it has been clear for thousands of years that the faith of religion and the truth of natural law do not always coincide and often collide with devastating results.

File:Relativity-formula.png

The most famous equation in the world. And perhaps in the entire universe.

***

Atheism is not a belief system as some claim. Therefore it is not a religion in any sense of the word. It is merely a statement that no god exists. Until the statement can be proven false, it must be true.

Proof of existence is a task of those who believe in a god and not of those who ask for the evidence.

***

Most Christians believe in the existence of a soul. It is this mythical spirit that supposedly is immortal and, upon the death of the body, will journey to a place called heaven where it will reside for eternity. The question I ask is: What does it do when it gets there?

Also, is it the task of atheists to prove that a soul does not exist?

February 18, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

Judge Andrew Napolitano, yet another Fox News rocket scientist, said that the contraception mandate in the Obama Affordable Care Act requiring employers to pay for birth control for women was like forcing “forcing Jewish girls to eat pork.”

Fox Business

Judge Andrew Napolitano, Canceled Fox Host, Tells His Fans To Stop Angry Emails

I was wondering: Does that mean Jewish girls could become pregnant if they eat pizza with sausage on top?

I do know that Christian girls don’t. And I’m grateful. God knows how many kids I have by now.

***

Vatican Announces College of Cardinals to Accept Student Loans

Will the College of Cardinals accept student loans? Sounds like a real opportunit­y for kids if it does.. And unemployed people too.  The only requirement is that you have to be at least 60 years old. OK for older folks who can’t find work.  But for the young, what the hell, give it try.  Ya never know.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

College of Cardinals

College of Cardinals (Photo credit: MattBritt00)

***

We all heard of Foster Friess’s preferred method of birth control. That is, the gals should hold an aspirin between their knees. But what are the gals who are allergic to acetylsalicylic acid to do. Suppose one absorbed a tiny bit and fell ill afterword. Would her health insurance cover such a eventually?

***

Mitch McConnell is trying his damnedest to turn the requirement under the Affordable Care Act that employers provide free birth control to employees into an issue of religious freedom.

It’s actually an issue of religious discrimination against non-Catholic women employed by Catholic institutions and an attempt to force these women to abide by Catholic doctrine or fend for themselves.

According to polls, the issue is turning into a big loser for the GOP.

That smirk you see on McConnell’s face was gone by mid-week.

Maybe, just maybe, he’s beginning to wish his mother held the aspirin between her knees a little more tightly.

 

Unfortunately for us all, this guy’s mother dropped the aspirin.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

February 16, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

We practice a particularly vicious brand of capitalism in this country. I call it T-Rex capitalism because the Wall Street and corporate gangsters who advocate for it are as voracious as any tyrannosaur that ever roamed the earth.

T. rex

T. rex (Photo credit: e_monk)

The tyrannosaurs of Wall Street will devour us all – and love every minute of the slaughter.

***

A fellow was way off his game.
Too many women made it go lame
He was a fine dude
But thoughts of gals lewd
Put his game and his fame to ignominious shame.

***

Ten ways to keep corporate tyrannosaurs happy:

  1. Lower taxes on earned income.

  2. Reduce the capital gains tax to zero.

  3. Give a 100% deduction for all corporate jets.

  4. Eliminate the minimum wage.

  5. Eliminate labor unions.

  6. Eliminate the Labor Department.

  7. Eliminate the NLRB.

  8. Eliminate child labor laws.

  9. Eliminate the 40 hr. work week requirement and overtime pay.


That’s just for starters. I’m sure Congress can come up with many other ways to provide help to our corporate masters.

***

A Republican governor said the GOP deserves credit for the economy. Sure, Republicans and their conservative allies can take credit for it beginning with Ronald Reagan’s supply-side thirty years ago. They’ve been trying their hardest to screw it up ever since and are succeeding beyond their wildest imaginations.

Ronald Reagan.

Image via Wikipedia

A little more make-up on the left please.

***

Foster Friess, billion backer of Rick Santorum, said today that back in his day the ladies used aspirin as a method of birth control. Apparently, they held an aspirin between their knees and it wasn’t an expensive method..

Back in my day, they used a guy’s head for contraception. The gals put it between their legs and that wasn’t very expensive either. Worked too.

Back in those days I was still a Catholic and I used contraceptive devices. And for that sinful behavior my immortal soul has long since been consigned a place in the everlasting fires of Hell. So I don’t really care much about the head method of contraception – not then; not now.

***

Unreliable Press Worldwide is reporting today that a spokesman for the Rick Santorum campaign, speaking under conditions anonymity, stated that if elected president, Santorum will nominate Pope Benedict XVI for a seat on the Supreme Court. If his nomination is approved by the Senate, the Pope is considered certain to cast his vote against abortion and birth control. The Pope would be the sixth Catholic and represent the sixth extreme conservative justice to sit on the bench.

File:Bush and Benedictus 81st birthday 2008.jpg

UPW is also reporting consistent rumors emanating from the Vatican that the College of Cardinals is considering elevating a US cardinal to the papacy and having him compete for the Republican nomination for the US presidency in 2016 should Obama win reelection.

February 11, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

Seems Rick Santorum didn’t win any delegates with his primary victories this week. However, maybe it isn’t the delegates he’s after right now.

File:Rick Santorum, Soda Jerk - Caricature.jpg

Bet he cashes in on those victories pretty good though. At least twenty to thirty million, probably more. Delegates? No. Who needs delegates if you don’t have the cash! Only one thing works in US politics. You gotta have the geetus. No boodle and you’re a sure loser. The victories should fill Santorum’s coffers with millions – of dollars naturally.

***

Little Ricky also said that Obama’s policies toward religion have put his administration on a path toward decapitation of Christianity.

Decapitation? So why not crucifixion? That’s the way the Romans exercised control over religious dissidents. And what’s wrong with a little crucifixion every now and then. Surely any devout Christian would prefer to be crucified rather than have his head chopped off.

Come on, Little Ricky. Let’s get with the program.

***

Some little girl, a seventh grader who attends Sacred Heart Catholic Academy in someplace called Shawano, WI, got suspended from a basketball team for one game because she said something to a teammate in her native language.

Native American Languages being discouraged, what a shame!! | Ola Ka ‘Olelo:

Seventh grader Miranda Washinawatok, Menominee

The coach suspended her because he didn’t understand the language and thought the girl might be saying something vulgar.

She was actually teaching a classmate how to say “I love you” in Menominee, the native language of a local Indian tribe.

Well, here’s something the little girl might want to say to her coach the next time he butts in: “Vaffanculo, stronzo.”*

That phrase comes from the native language of my forebears. However, repeating it would probably get the girl suspended for at least two games.

*This is a vulgar expression so you won’t want to look it up in Google Translate, Italian to English.

***

Some Fox Newser, I believe it was the entertainer named Sean Hannity, said that Obama never wanted to get Osama bin Laden.

According to information received by UPW Senior Reporter Marcy Popindick from an informant who spoke under conditions of anonymity, the CIA new of bin Laden’s whereabouts for a number of years and often delivered pizza to the address where bin Laden resided.

English: The compound where Osama bin Laden wa...

Image via Wikipedia

Hello, thank you for calling Godfather’s. That’s two large with peppers and onion and one with anchovy. And the name. Been Ladin. That’ll be about twenty minutes.”

However, due to a misspelling of the name, the CIA could not be certain that the address they delivered pizza to was the residence of the bin Laden. Ya know, like, the one who was responsible for, like, ya know, 9/11.

Bin Laden was finally identified after he got pissed off and complained about the CIA fucking up another one of his pizza orders.

That’s supposed to be one with onions, one with peppers and one with anchovy. Can’t you assholes get anything right. And stop spelling my name wrong. That’s bin Laden: b-i-n L-a-d-e-n.”

Golly, gee,” a CIA agent reported to the White House. “We think this might be the guy.”

According to the spokesman, the White House had long ago stopped ordering pizza from the CIA front shop in DC because they couldn’t tell a sausage from a pepperoni. However, orders did go out to send in helicopters and a Navy seal team to the address in Pakistan reported by the agency. It was on that night the administration assassinated bin Laden who it is believed was suffering from severe indigestion from consuming too much pizza.

***

The Obama administration reportedly required institutions operated by the Catholic church, other than the churches themselves, to provide free access through health insurance policies to birth control methods to employees of those institutions. The church hierarchy objected to the new rules claiming that they violated church doctrine prohibiting the use of birth control to prevent pregnancy.

As usual, the president folded under the threat of controversy and tried to work out a compromise. Under the new guidelines, the Catholic institutions themselves would not be required to provide access to birth control. However, the health insurance company that covers other heath conditions for these institutions would provide birth control free of charge to employees who use them.

Free of charge?” From a health insurance company? You gotta be kidding. It isn’t clear yet how the costs would be paid. What is clear is that someone’s paying for this. So the cost will undoubtedly be tied into the premiums paid by these Catholic institutions. They just wouldn’t be paid directly. A 21st century solution to a 12th century problem??? Go figure.

***

There has always been the fear that cutting doctor and hospital fees would force the medical profession to refuse to give care to seniors. However, given an aging population ever more dependent on Medicare, the medical profession has no where else to go. The options for doctors: Accept Medicare or sell used cars.

As good as medical care is in this country, the nation has reached the point where it can no longer afford to pay for it for the majority of its citizens.

Cut costs in half and put them in line with the costs of other advanced nations and the problems with medical care and the projected deficit go away.

The read danger to this country is the profitization of senior medical care for the benefit of Wall Street as proposed by the Ryan plan.

Caricature of Rick Santorum by DonkeyHotey.  As always click the photo for the link.

February 5, 2012

A GLOSSARY FOR LIBERALS

A GLOSSARY FOR LIBERALS

GLOSSARY 

Real world words liberals should be using – instead of euphemisms – to expose the vast right wing conspiracy that exists in the United States today.  Contributions are welcome.

File:Books-aj.svg aj ashton 01.svg

Aristocracy

The wealthy ruling class in America. They rule by controlling government through gifts of payoff money to elected officials.

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Aristocracy Tax

A tax on wealthy estates often referred to by right wing extremists as the “death tax”. In actuality it is a tax placed on the wealthiest to prevent the rise of an aristocratic class in the United States as first proposed by Theodore Roosevelt.

Friedmanism

Voodoo economics, also known as supply side. A deeply flawed theory of economics developed by Milton Friedman of the Chicago School of Economics. It’s ideas are intended to benefit a small portion of the population of a country and always the rich

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Geetus

Campaign contribution. As in To win in politics you gotta have the geetus. Also known as boodle, scratch and scarol.

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National Savings Plan  

A term to use in place of “entitlements” for Social Security and Medicare.

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Payoff Money

Campaign contribution, a euphemism for payoff money, which is money grubbed by elected officials in exchange for votes. Politicians chase payoff money like flies swarm fill in the blank.

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Ponzi Scheme

What Republicans are determined to turn Social Security into by breaking the compact between the generations and finally destroying the program.

Social Security Poster: old man

This is all of us someday and we need Social Security and Medicare more than ever. Fight for it. Vote for it. Image via Wikipedia

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Profitizing

Word to substitute for privatizing, as in profitizing Social Security. Profitizing associates the right wing plot to destroy Social Security with Wall Street greed.

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Protection money

Money given by Wall Street banks to their goombahs in Congress and the White House to prevent prosecution for the crimes they committed.  Sometimes referred to as a campaign contribution.

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Rigged market

A trade agreement such as NAFTA; debunks “free” market mythology such as that spouted by Ayn Rand; the market in which petroleum is bought and sold. OPEC is a monopoly, the very opposite of a free market. We can speak of a rigged market in gasoline since supply is rigidly controlled by an oligopoly of super sized corporations. It is then awarded to the highest bidder in a bidding war on a commodity exchange.

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Right wing extremist

Members of the Republican party and of the Clintonista pseudo-Democratic movement.  A term to be used in place of euphemisms “centrist” and “moderate” for right wing Democrats who support conservative economic issues.

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Sabotage

The Republican party’s agenda for the U.S. economy and the American middle class. It is a political movement among right wing extremists whose goal is to gain a fascist-like control of government by banishing political opposition.

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Sabotuer

A member of the Republican party

Scratch

Campaign cash.  Also known as boodle, geetus and scarol.

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Scratch Committe

DNC, RNC and all Congressional committees tasked with raising scratch (also known as the campaign contributions) for elections. 

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Vendetta

A life long grudge held by the ruling class in America against the social safety net since its inception.

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Wage slavers – What Republicans refer to as job creators.

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War Department

In place of Defense Department.

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War Entitlements

War spending for the war industry.

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War Spending

In place of Defense Spending.

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Welfare Queen

A throwback to the non-existent welfare recipient referred to by Ronald Reagan.  The real welfare scammers are the Wall Street millionaire CEOs who accepted taxpayer welfare to bail them and their banks out of worthless investments.

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URL: http://www.openclipart.org/cgi-bin/navigate/education/books

The clip art sketch is in the public domain.

February 4, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

Senior UPW staff reporter, Ms. Marcy Popindick reported today that unnamed Democrats are delighted with the filibuster arrangement as it exists in the Senate. It allows Republicans to overrule any legislation that benefits the 99% – thereby doing the dirty work for the Dems, most of whom would rather see the legislation killed anyway. So Democrats can then cash in on the big time corporate money through their complicity with the filibuster pretending to their base that the meanies in the GOP keep obstructing their policies.

 File:Dollars for Democrats.jpg

Anything for a buck. Right. Even little Johnny’s allowance.

Hey, what’s the use of being a Democrat if you can’t stab your supporters in the back every once in a while.

***

The UPW news wire is reporting that investigators have located more than $1 billion dollars of the funds missing from MP Global operations.

The funds were found in an executive’s briefcase.

According to a statement from the executive’s attorney: “Hey, just because he owns the briefcase doesn’t mean he’s the one who stole the money.”

Case dismissed.

***

According to many Republicans, globing warming comes only once a year, usually in the summer.

***

UPW news reporter Chocalatta Chippie has obtained a copy of the speech Mitt Romney originally intended to give after his endorsement by Donald Trump.

English: This photo depicts Donald Trump's sta...

Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Image via Wikipedia

The portions of the speech included high praise for Trump and a statement that when he was growing up he’d always dreamed of being endorsed for president of the United States by Trump. The speech continues: “Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. For today, my lifelong dream has come true.”

Romney advisers shit-canned the speech saying it was a bunch of poppycock and who gives a shit about Donald Trump anyway.

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Biologists at the Sardo Institute have begun testing groups of mammals for sterility. Animals found to be sterile, the scientists said, will be culled from herds to prevent unwarranted and sinful copulation with fertile animals.

According to Dr. Monsignor Mangiapasta Bacciagalupe, a professor in Christian doctrine and the author of Osservare in Camera Da Letto, infertile animals, along with sterile human beings, must be separated from the group and denied conjugal rights in accordance with the laws handed down to the church by the Supreme Being. According to doctrine advocated by some Christian congregations the primary purpose of sexual relations is propagation of the species and, as such, sterile members are incapable of fulfilling the demands of divine law. It is imperative, therefore, that they be removed from the healthy group to prevent sinful copulation.

Monsignor Bacciagalupe stated that marriage between sterile and fertile humans is a sinful union because such a joining is incapable of producing offspring. Bacciagalupe reminded the faithful that pleasure is a by-product of sexual relations and not an end in itself. “It’s a OK to fucka you brains out, but you gotta make a da babies,” he said.

File:Old buildings, Hale Farm - geograph.org.uk - 190317.jpg

The complex of buildings housing the Science Department at the Sardo Institute of Higher Learning. (Photo courtesy of Hugh Chevallier).

In related news, Monsignor Bacciagalupe also decried the decision of the Susan G. Komen for Cure institute to restore funding for breast cancer screenings to Planned Parenthood. Bacciagalupe stated that Planned Parenthood issues birth control devices to the public. Catholic doctrine forbids the use of birth control even though a vast majority of Catholic women practice some form of it in order to prevent pregnancy. Many devout Catholic women, according to Bacciagalupe, support the Church’s position on birth control. However, most are widows over the age of 80.

The monsignor continued that he much preferred that men undergo a vasectomy. “It’s a not a too bad,” he said. “And it a happens a so fast. Before you know it, it’s a finished. And a you never have to worry again.“

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Mitt Romney said today that he doesn’t care about poor people because nobody really gives a shit about them anyway and besides there’s this safety net thing.

And he doesn’t care about rich people because they already own half the damn planet.

But he does care about the middle class because that’s where most of the votes come from.

A spokesman for the Romney campaign said the candidate intends to pilfer as much money as he can from the poor and give it to the middle class and hopes that will win him the election.