Senior UPW staff reporter, Ms. Marcy Popindick reported today that unnamed Democrats are delighted with the filibuster arrangement as it exists in the Senate. It allows Republicans to overrule any legislation that benefits the 99% – thereby doing the dirty work for the Dems, most of whom would rather see the legislation killed anyway. So Democrats can then cash in on the big time corporate money through their complicity with the filibuster pretending to their base that the meanies in the GOP keep obstructing their policies.
Anything for a buck. Right. Even little Johnny’s allowance.
Hey, what’s the use of being a Democrat if you can’t stab your supporters in the back every once in a while.
The UPW news wire is reporting that investigators have located more than $1 billion dollars of the funds missing from MP Global operations.
The funds were found in an executive’s briefcase.
According to a statement from the executive’s attorney: “Hey, just because he owns the briefcase doesn’t mean he’s the one who stole the money.”
According to many Republicans, globing warming comes only once a year, usually in the summer.
UPW news reporter Chocalatta Chippie has obtained a copy of the speech Mitt Romney originally intended to give after his endorsement by Donald Trump.
The portions of the speech included high praise for Trump and a statement that when he was growing up he’d always dreamed of being endorsed for president of the United States by Trump. The speech continues: “Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. For today, my lifelong dream has come true.”
Romney advisers shit-canned the speech saying it was a bunch of poppycock and who gives a shit about Donald Trump anyway.
Biologists at the Sardo Institute have begun testing groups of mammals for sterility. Animals found to be sterile, the scientists said, will be culled from herds to prevent unwarranted and sinful copulation with fertile animals.
According to Dr. Monsignor Mangiapasta Bacciagalupe, a professor in Christian doctrine and the author of Osservare in Camera Da Letto, infertile animals, along with sterile human beings, must be separated from the group and denied conjugal rights in accordance with the laws handed down to the church by the Supreme Being. According to doctrine advocated by some Christian congregations the primary purpose of sexual relations is propagation of the species and, as such, sterile members are incapable of fulfilling the demands of divine law. It is imperative, therefore, that they be removed from the healthy group to prevent sinful copulation.
Monsignor Bacciagalupe stated that marriage between sterile and fertile humans is a sinful union because such a joining is incapable of producing offspring. Bacciagalupe reminded the faithful that pleasure is a by-product of sexual relations and not an end in itself. “It’s a OK to fucka you brains out, but you gotta make a da babies,” he said.
The complex of buildings housing the Science Department at the Sardo Institute of Higher Learning. (Photo courtesy of Hugh Chevallier).
In related news, Monsignor Bacciagalupe also decried the decision of the Susan G. Komen for Cure institute to restore funding for breast cancer screenings to Planned Parenthood. Bacciagalupe stated that Planned Parenthood issues birth control devices to the public. Catholic doctrine forbids the use of birth control even though a vast majority of Catholic women practice some form of it in order to prevent pregnancy. Many devout Catholic women, according to Bacciagalupe, support the Church’s position on birth control. However, most are widows over the age of 80.
The monsignor continued that he much preferred that men undergo a vasectomy. “It’s a not a too bad,” he said. “And it a happens a so fast. Before you know it, it’s a finished. And a you never have to worry again.“
Mitt Romney said today that he doesn’t care about poor people because nobody really gives a shit about them anyway and besides there’s this safety net thing.
And he doesn’t care about rich people because they already own half the damn planet.
But he does care about the middle class because that’s where most of the votes come from.
A spokesman for the Romney campaign said the candidate intends to pilfer as much money as he can from the poor and give it to the middle class and hopes that will win him the election.
- What a Twist! Donald Trump Actually Going to Endorse Mitt Romney Today? (slog.thestranger.com)