Committee Announces Awards

Pasta Fagioli, Italy

From its hideout deep the Italian Alps, the Nobella Prize Committee today announced two awards. The members of the committee granted the MVP award to the male members of the Virginia legislature for sponsoring and passing legislation that would force newly pregnant women who sought an abortion to undergo a procedure called a transvaginal probe. The device would be inserted into the woman’s vagina to determine the age of a zygote recently implanted in a womb.

File:Scheme female reproductive system-cs.svg

Page from a pamphlet used to instruct the Virginia Legislature about the female reproductive system. Initially, instructors used a pamphlet printed in the English language. But that didn’t help much either. 

Involuntary, forced insertion of an object into a woman’s vagina is defined as rape by many law enforcement agencies.

However, the members of the legislature were not deterred by the definition of rape. They proceeded to pass the law that would force women to permit the involuntary insertion of the probe into their vaginas. Her doctor would be compelled to perform the procedure as well.

The purpose of the law and the transvaginal probe were attempts by the male members of the Virginia legislature to convince women to forgo abortions.

After an uproar from the women across the nation, the governor of Virginia decided not to sign the bill into law after indicating that he would do so.

Nevertheless, the Committee awarded the Most Valuable Putz prize to the male members who voted in favor of penetration of a woman’s vagina without her consent.  

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. 

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar engraved with the words “putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winners supplies just ran out.

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Committee Awards Second Prize

The Nobella Prize Committee of Pasta Fagioli, Italy announced the winner of a second award.

The members awarded The Schmuckup Prize to Gov. Bob McDonnell for his support of legislation that would force a pregnant woman seeking an abortion to undergo a transvaginal probe, that is, an involuntary insertion of an ultrasound device into the woman’s vagina. The probe determines the age of a recently implanted zygote and is intended to convince the woman not to have an abortion.

McDonnell, who hopes to be appointed as vice president on the Republican’s 2012 ticket, reversed course after, but only after, the bill caused an uproar among many women voters.

 File:US Navy 100111-N-9095H-064 aster Chief Navy Diver Ross Garcia speaks with Virginia Governor-Elect Bob McDonnell at the USO of Hampton Roads at Joint Expeditionary Base Little Creek-Fort Story.jpg

McDonnell wooing the military vote.

Explaining the turnabout, a spokesman said the governor didn’t know that the law required sticking a long, hard thing up a woman’s woowoo for it to work.

As the winner of The Schmuckup Award, McDonnell receives a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. In addition, winners are given the coveted statuette called The Little Schmucky engraved with the words “Schmucked up beyond all reason.” The Little Schmucky is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

All prizes are awarded while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

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