Archive for March, 2012

March 25, 2012

The American Way

A spokesman for the Romney campaign said today that as soon as the candidate wins the nomination he will begin reversing his positions on the following issues:

I took this picture at the "Ask Mitt Anyt...

This picture was taken at the "Ask Mitt Anything" townhall at the NHIOP (Saint Anselm College) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mitt Romney seems to have a family predisposition for flip flopping.  It’s worth noting once again his father’s famous turnabout during the presidential campaign of 1968 when as a supporter of the Vietnam War he said after a visit to the country that he had been “brainwashed” by the generals. Eugene McCarthy, also a candidate, retorted “I think a light rinse would have been sufficient. “  

Abortion

Romney will support all abortions for all women.

Birth Control. He will support the free distribution of all birth control methods and devices by Planned Parenthood and require all employers to provide access to birth control to employees free of charge.

Margaret Sanger Deutsch: Margaret Sanger (* 1879)

Margaret Sanger (1879-1966), founder of Planned Parenthood, coined the term "birth control.". (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Minimum Wage: After reversing his position that the minimum wage should be tied to the Consumer Price Index he will again reverse himself and yet again support tying the minimum wage to the CPI.

Affordable Care Act: He will support the administration’s health insurance plan and insist that it be called Robamneycare.

Wall Street Fraud: He will present legislation to strictly regulate the financial industry and reinstate Glass-Steagall.

The Economy: Romney will send to Congress a trillion dollar package to stimulate the economy and help states that are struggling with budget deficits.

Unemployment: He will extend and increase unemployment benefits for those unfortunate people who lost their jobs due largely due to Wall Street chicanery.

Foreclosures: He will force banks to renegotiate mortgages with home owners whose homes lost half their value because of lender fraud.

None of the foregoing remarks are intended to be factual statements. Actually, taking a cue from candidate Romney, I told a bunch of bald faced lies.  We make up; you decide.

Oh well. Such is politics. I guess you could call it the American way.

***

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta went to Afghanistan this week in an effort to whitewash the murder of seventeen innocent men, women and children by a stressed out American soldier. The man was obviously suffering from severe stress syndrome after serving four tours in war zones.

U.S. Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta walks w...

U.S. Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta walks with U.S. Ambassador Karl W. Eikenberry, left, and Afghan Defense Minister Gen. Abdul Rahim Wardak as he arrives at the presidential palace in Kabul, Afghanistan, July 9, 2011. DOD photo by U.S. Air Force Tech. Sgt. Jacob N. Bailey (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In addition to some yada, yada, yada, Panetta said, “This is not the first…” time that this kind of bullshit will happen “and it probably won’t be the last.”

So, according to our esteemed Secretary of Defense, we can look forward to the murder of many more innocent civilians, including women and children, in this and future American wars.

I guess we finally have to admit to ourselves, it’s the American way.

***

Acknowledging Panetta’s forthrightness and unmitigated stupidity, the Nobella Prize Committee announced from its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy that it has awarded the MVP prize to the secretary.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. .

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie the statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.

***

President Obama said this week that he is committed to completing “the mission responsibility” in Afghanistan. Presumably he will continue the mission even if it means driving soldiers so close to the edge of insanity that they will murder innocent men, women and children. The president’s determination seems to reveal itself only in matters of war. Something we can all be very proud of. After all, it’s the American way.

***

American forces have been in Afghanistan for more than ten years now. Ten years and our esteemed generals still have not trained a police force capable of providing law and order in that war torn country. We’ve spent $6 billion dollars on that effort alone and can’t put enough cops on the beat to protect law abiding citizens.

In view of this rank incompetence, veterans of foreign wars should take it upon themselves to demand that the Defense Department create a new ribbon – you know, those things that generals wear on the uniforms of their puffed out chests. A good name for the ribbon, of course, would be the Rank Incompetence Medal and would be awarded to the rank of one star and above. It would recognize the ability of generals who start wars they always seem to lose.

***

We interrupt this report for a bulletin from the UPW Newsroom.

The Nobella Prize Committee announced just moments ago that it is awarding The Schmuckup Prize to American generals who start wars they never win. The Committee recognized that the generals have involved their nation in a war that has lasted more than ten years, have wasted more than $60 billion dollars a year on the effort and have yet to train a police for adequate enough to protect the country.

So, at the Pentagon at least, starting wars they can’t win is becoming the American way.

Generals Dwight D. Eisenhower and Omar Bradley...

War unfortunately is a human condition and the nation cannot make do without its generals despite their foibles and failures. Some of the great ones are pictured. Generals Dwight D. Eisenhower and Omar Bradley talk with a young member of the French resistance in the American sector during the liberation of Lower Normandy in the summer of 1944. ID: p013328 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Winners of The Schmuckup Prize receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. In addition, winners are given the coveted statuette called The Little Schmucky engraved with the words “Schmucked up beyond all reason.” The Little Schmucky is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. All prizes are awarded while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winners supplies just ran out.

***

You may have read in WaPO’s The Plum Line by Greg Sargent that Karl Rove said that killing bin Laden “was not a biggie.”

To make his point, Rove told a teensie, weensie bald face lie. He misquoted Bill Clinton when he wrote that the former president said “that’s a call he would have made.” What Clinton actually said was “I hope that’s a call I would have made.”

Rove’s op-ed, of course, was an attempt to paper over George Bush’s categorical failure to capture or kill bin Laden by allowing him to escape through a military ambush. The terrorist then went on to live a life of luxury in Pakistan.

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia with George W. B...

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia with George W. Bush at the Prairie Chapel Ranch. Who Is the World’s Worst Dictator? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Just wondering. Isn’t the Bush family good friends with many Saudis including the bin Laden family? Didn’t Bush permit the Saudis who were in the US during 9/11 to exit the country the next day despite the fly ban? Bush is known to have extended more than one favor to his friends. Did he allow bin Laden to slip through a crack in the ambush?

Oh, Georgie, couldn’t you do us just this one little favor?”

We make up; you decide.

March 24, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

Rick Santorum is apparently enamored of the practices of the devout Catholic organization known as Opus Dei or Work of God. Many members of this religious group devote their lives to emulating the suffering of Christ. Some adherents place spiked chains between their thighs to induce pain and so to demonstrate devotion to their crucified Savior.

Why, I even heard that some devotees employ whips, chains, constraints and other pain inducing devices to demonstrate their love.

Of course, I could be mistaking Opus Dei with other organizations I hear about from time to time. Then again, maybe not.

Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum (right) los...

Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum (right) lost a friendly football bet to Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy. Here Santorum wears a Patriots hat and presents Kennedy and his staff with Philly cheesesteaks. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

OH MY GOD!!!  He’s a gambler!  Wave goodbye to the Bible Belt, Rick.

***

Well, kids get rid of your hoodies and loosey jeans and buy you some suspenders.

I’m not African-American. I’m Italian. But a coupla days in the sun and I could get shot if I happen to be taking a walk in Florida.

And thanks for the tip, Geraldo. But don’t you think your comment will be bad for the hoodie business.

File:Geraldo Rivera.jpg

Great for suspender sales, but what about the hoodie business. Better start divesting.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

And here’s a tip from me. Next time you plan to go to Florida, practice your fast draw for a few days. I mean, who can tell, someone could mistake you for a drug dealer and you’ll be pushing up daisies in an orange grove. And it will all be your fault.

***

The scuttlebutt around the Street is Jon Corzine mislaid a couple billion dollars. Hey! A billion here, a billion there. Who can keep track?

Jon Corzine, Governor and former Senator from ...

Oh, shit. Where did I put that damn billion anyway?. Jon Corzine, Governor and former Senator from New Jersey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

By the way, Jon, could you see your way to lending me a fast mil.  I gotta fill up my SUV this weekend.

OK if I keep the change?

***

Rick Santorum’s wife said this week that God is calling him to be president.

UPW’s Senior National News Correspondent Marcy Popindick intercepted a voice mail message from God to Santorum. (She did it in the United Kingdom so it’s OK; at least according to the policeman she bribed).

A transcript of the tape revealed the following recording:

Hello? Hello, Rick? God here. Answer the damn phone. I wish you’d keep your cell turned on. It’s a real pain in the ass trying to reach you. I’m not into all this texting bullshit, ya know. And it can be real distracting when you’re flying through all these clouds we’ve got up here.

I just want you to know you’ve got my vote, guy. Now don’t screw this thing up. The Empire needs you. You get elected, appoint a couple more Catholics to the Supreme Court and there’s a pope waiting in the wings who can run the whole planet. I gotta plan you haven’t seen since the popes fucked up the Crusades. This time it’ll work. And I’m talkin’ the whole planet here not just the Holy Land.

And keep you cell phone turned on. I hate this goddam voice mail . I can’t get a hold of anyone anymore. Not even the pope. Such bullshit you never heard:

‘Pax vobiscum. This is Pope Benedict the XVI. I’m either on the phone or taking another piss. Leave a message and I’ll call back as soon as I’m finished.’

You believe that shit. And I’m God for chrissakes.”

File:Popemobile passes the White House.jpg

Yes, there is a popemobile. With his money, he couldn’t do a little better?

March 18, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

If Congress passes a law declaring sperm to be people, the population of the world will increase exponentially – like maybe a trillion to the tenth power. Any guess as to how many zeros that is? And that might not be enough.

Personhood for sperm raises a lot of questions. Would a dead sperm need a decent burial? Could be a quick fix for the unemployment problem, ya know. Everybody would have to become an undertaker. Which raises more the questions: Would a sperm have to be embalmed? How much would a casket cost? Who would send flowers? Would a sperm need life insurance? How much would it cost? Would government assistance be available if the sperm didn’t have an insurance policy? Would Obama submit legislation to Congress mandating that all sperm carry life insurance?

Warning:  If you have an aversion to dirty pictures, stop here.

File:Sperm-egg.jpg

A dirty picture of a sperm that survived.

***

Wouldn’t legislation requiring sperm to be considered people make all men mass murderers? And women accessories? At least in some cases?

Just asking.

***

Rick Santorum is now advocating a ban on the distribution of pornography. He probably doesn’t know this but that position could cost him the entire South in the general election. Per capita, the Bible Belt states spend more money on pornographic material than any other region in the nation.

He says pornography is toxic to marriage and relationships. Well, so is fracking. It is also harmful to people’s health – fracking that is – and so far as I know he hasn’t called for a ban on that. And no doubt never will.

But before we go any further, we suggest one of Santorum’s advisers explain to him just exactly what fracking is so he doesn’t get it confused with that other thing you aren’t supposed to do if you use birth control when you’re doing it.  (So far, the BC ban applies only to Catholics.  So far).

Whether he succeeds in banning dirty pictures or not, the issue is still a good way to rile up the “better than thou” folks, like ya know, Christians who want you to live your life the way they tell you to.

***

Catholics who use birth control are committing a sin that will condemn their immortal souls to the raging fires of Hell for all eternity. Also, the pope doesn’t approve.

I guess the church’s policy applies to women only. The old men of the church have always hated women and it’s the women who use most of the stuff. Not the men mind you – unless we’re speaking of condoms and vasectomies.

Yes. Ever since Eve, it’s always been those damn women. Just can’t keep from spreading their legs. The “aspirin between the knees” method just doesn’t seem to be working – even with a whole bottle of the stuff in the medicine cabinet.

And all those rumors you’ve been reading about priests, bishops and popes fucking their brains out over the centuries are just that – rumors.

OK. OK. So some popes have had kids (out of wedlock of course so as not to violate the church’s celibacy rule). But so what. That doesn’t mean they have to like it.

Nevertheless, I’ve never known a priest who carried an aspirin in his pocket when inviting a woman from the parish for whatcha call your “religious consultation.” Not all priests like little boys, ya know. Some actually like girls. Provided they’ve reached the age of consent, naturally. Or maybe a bored housewife or two. Who can tell?

Oh, father. I forgot my aspirin.”

Don’t worry, my child. You won’t be needing it tonight.”

***

The Westboro Baptist Church – you know, those fundamentalist folks who hate just about every type of human behavior except that which they specifically approve – is apparently preparing ads to be broadcast on the Rush Limbaugh show. Birds of a feather. Guess they haven’t heard the rumors about Rush’s past.

Viagra anyone. The Westboro Baptist Church would approve. Aren’t you lucky?  There isn’t a whole lot these extremists do like.  You could say intolerance is their message.

Jael Phelps picketing Trinity Episcopal Church...

(This photo is copyrighted but free to use for any purpose). Image via Wikipedia

Westboro Baptist Church Anti-Jewish Picketing

Yes, they do pretend to be Christians. Image via Wikipedia (Public domain).

***

It’s time for AARP to support increases in Social Security. Retirees have been cheated long enough by schemes that underestimate inflation and shortchange seniors.

Members must face up to the facts. AARP is basically an insurance agency, perhaps the largest agency in the world. It gives nothing to its members they don’t pay for in premiums and members should realize they are getting nothing in return they aren’t paying for.

As for the benefits it claims for members, many other organizations offer similar discounts.

The message from retirees to the executives of AARP is a simple one: Support increases to retirement programs or back off. You are either with the retirees or against them.

These meetings with the cut-and-gut crowd are totally unnecessary and uncalled for. In fact, they raise suspicions of a scam in the making.

***

There is one way the Ryan health insurance debacle can be rescued. That is for government to pay 100% of the premiums demanded by health insurance companies forever. Yeah, right.

The real scam of the Ryan plan is to dump medical costs of the elderly on to the individual whether or not he or she has insurance and can pay for the care. The plan’s terms can be summed up in one phrase: Can’t pay, no doctor. You’re on your own, pal.

We’ll all be retired someday and the American people have demonstrated time and again that they want the social programs now in place to remain a part of the nation’s social safety net. And are willing to pay for the programs through payroll deductions. The cut and gut politicians who are trying to destroy the programs are acting in defiance of the will of the people and on behalf of a tiny minority of the rich.

And now back to Paul Ryan (the one with the shit eating grin – see photo) the tax cut and spend right wing Republican. Ryan voted repeatedly and continuously to raise the deficit and spend, spend, spend during the Bush administration. The man is one of the biggest spenders in the GOP – and that takes some doing, for with few exceptions, Republicans have shown themselves to be among the biggest spenders on the planet.

File:Paul Ryan, official portrait, 111th Congress.jpg

***

Darrell Issa, entombed for eight years during the Bush Administration, has finally emerged from his cacoon.

He said we’ve been lied to by the Justice Department.

 

Well, for heaven’s sake. You don’t say.

We were lied to for eight years during the Bush administration. And Issa is just coming to the realization that government lies. Fasinating.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

March 17, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

The Bible doesn’t deny people the right to earn money. The idea that “money is the root of all evil” is usually misstated.

File:The Golden Calf (Bible card).jpg

Worshiping the “Golden Calf”, practiced by too many in the modern world.

The actual phrase from the Bible is “Love of money is the root of all evil.” There’s no doubt that the 1% are consumed by such lust. Lusting for riches is the sin and the wealthy are obsessed and possessed by this evil.

The obsession of the church is less understandable and unforgivable since it uses all manner of deception in its quest for the so-called tithe.

 File:PRICE ALLEN, THE PEANUT MAN, WHO SELLS HIS PRODUCT AND TALKS ABOUT THE BIBLE TO CUSTOMERS ON CHICAGO'S SOUTH SIDE.... - NARA - 556210.jpg

Price Allen, The Peanut Man, who earned a living selling peanuts in Chicago, while preaching The Bible to his customers.

***

A billionaire named Ken Griffin said in an interview with the Chicago Tribune that the ultra-wealthy in this country don’t have enough influence over government.

They already own the government lock, stock and barrel. That, of course, isn’t enough. Only the vast majority of Washington officialdom suck up to the rich. But the rich will never be satisfied until they transform every member of government into a suck up.

Shouldn’t take much longer either.

***

So Mitt Romney, y’all, said that students who want to go on to college should “shop around” for the cheapest one they can find in order to avoid the catastrophic accumulation of debt that most students are currently burdened with.

Or else join the military. And if he’s elected and you’re not killed in a Romneywar, you might just, as Mitt would now say, “git you a loan from the gubmint” to pay for some of the extravagant cost of a college education.

Romney’s plan would increase the amount of the loan depending on how many people a soldier killed. Innocent people count as well.

Actually, I just made that last part up.

***

Romney lost the cornpone election as his campaign went down to defeat in Alabama and Mississippi. I guess you could say he failed to “git ‘er done.”

***

Taking a cue from Republicans in Congress and the ubiquitous right wing effort to control a woman’s uterus, the commissioners in a North Carolina county said they refuse to help women who can’t keep from spreading their legs. So they turned down a state family planning grant, that is, free money for a birth control program, to assist these women. Men however are still free to open their zippers whenever they feel like it.

The commission has five members – all male.

According to the Star-News of Wilmington, NC, the statement from Chairman Ted Davis was something to the effect that if young women didn’t have sex in the first place, we wouldn’t have this problem.

Sounds like a man suffering from a severe case of anal constriction. He should seek immediate medical attention.

Jonathan Barfield, a Democrat on the commission, said he regretted his vote after his wife “explained” to him the error of his ways. I hope she sews up all his zippers. Would serve him right.

These men are trying to do something every society has failed to accomplish since the birth of civilization in the fertile crescent – inhibit mankind’s sexual nature.- while turning a blind eye to the fact that for every woman who parts her knees, a man pulls down his pants.

The undeniable fact is that men really do want women to spread their legs.

Now some measure of control is desirable, of course, and I would call that “birth” control.

Absent that, I would respectfully suggest to the commissioners that they forbid men from having sex with women.

And good luck with that one.

File:Franklin Street Chapel Hill NC.jpg

A photo taken by Caroline Culler of a view in Chapel Hill, NC, home of one of the finest educational institutions in all of Western Civilization, the University of North Carolina. The citizens of the state, whose views were politically moderate, seem to be taking a sharp turn to the right.

***

The word “slut” has re-entered our vocabulary once again thanks to right wing radio extremist Rush Limbaugh. It was, as it always has been, applied to a woman.

It seems to me the word “slut” lost any meaning way back in the sixties when the birth of the sexual revolution – a truly historic event largely made possible by the invention of the pill – freed women to have sex purely for pleasure. To apply that vile word to a woman since then, however, is a symptom of deeply rooted misogyny.

If “slut” has any useful meaning today, it should be applied to the “hit and run” dad. Now there’s a crud if ever there was one.

***

Rick Santorum took his campaign to Puerto Rico where he told its Spanish speaking citizens to learn to speak English if they wanted the island to become a state. That statement assumes that the majority of Puerto Ricans want statehood in the first place. There are a few advantages to remaining a commonwealth. For example, the citizens of the island are exempt from paying Federal income taxes – at least one good reason not to join the Union.

Santorum also ignored the fact that English as a second language is taught in all schools through the 12th grade. So citizens have some knowledge of the English language.

Also ignored was the fact that Puerto Ricans cannot vote in presidential elections even though they are citizens of the US and are represented by delegates at the Democratic and Republican conventions.

So why would a citizen of the island care one twit about whose running for president if they can’t vote in the general election? Well, they probably don’t care. And a candidate who campaigns there is revealing a desperate attempt to collect – what else – delegate votes for the convention.

If they want to vote for Santorum, however, they better learn to speak English first. Right, Rick. 

March 10, 2012

Random Musings

A Part of Our American Heritage

To Kill A Mockingbird, the novel by Harper Lee, will soon celebrate its 52nd year since it was first published in 1960. It is one of the few books that has never been out of print.

File:Harper Lee Medal.jpg

Harper Lee receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

The book won the Pulitzer Prize and Lee herself received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President George W. Bush in 2007.  She was also awarded an honorary doctorate from the University of Notre Dame.  

A British newspaper columnist once said of the novel that it is a book that should be read before The Bible.

The story is about life in a rural Alabama town during the Great Depression. While the novel has a number of themes, chief among them is the overt racism that existed in the pre-Civil Rights South.

File:Atticus and Tom Robinson in court.gif

Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch. Brock Peters played Tom Robinson.

If you read the book than saw the movie, you will probably agree the film followed the book’s plot as closely as a movie can.

Gregory Peck in the role of a small town lawyer won the Oscar for his portrayal of Atticus Finch. The movie was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Picture. The year was 1962.

.

Another Part of Our American Heritage. The Romney Flip Flop.

Mitt Romney actually advocated raising the minimum wage.

Do what!!!

Yes, yes. He gave his support for raising the minimum wage. Want proof. After saying that and then hearing the outcry from the right wing, he reversed his position. In an interview with conservative CNBC-TV host Larry Kudlow, Mitt said in shocking tones: “I said that! That’s a bunch of horse shit! I never said that!”

Well, ya coulda foooooled me. Because he did say that. And in the time honored Romney fashion, he flip flopped.

OK, OK. What he really said to Kudlow was: “there probably isn’t a need to raise the minimum wage.” Even though just a while ago he said the minimum wage should be tied to the rises in the Consumer Price Index.

And we should all be grateful for his reversal. An American tradition continues.

File:Gymnastics (silver) av.gif

According to the UPW Newswire, Mitt Romney has just received a silver medal in gymnastics, the category Flip Floping. What else???

***

You’ve probably heard by now that Mitt Romney is practicing a Suthrin drawl. He just about has “y’all” down pat. According to UPW Senior Reporter Marcy Popindick, a spokesman for the Romney campaign said the candidate is taking accent training classes with an accent teacher. He’s making progress and is beginning to call his parents Mammy and Pappy. Even knows folks who like NASCAR, maybe some who even own a NASCAR car. And, of course, he has more sponsors than a dozen race car drivers. Well, keep a goin’, Mitt. Might even pick you up a vote or two. In Alabama no less.

Would you like a heaping helping of cornpone with your cheesy grits, Mr. Romney?”

Well, I declare, Missy, Don’t mind if I do. Yes ma’am, don’t mind if I do.”

***

Eighteen states in the Union have laws prohibiting oral sex. Kinda gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “hold your tongue.” You might want to look into which states forbid the activity. You may already be an outlaw in several of them. And you should be very careful when making future travel arrangements. Particularly if you’ll be driving through one of those states.

Funny emoticon with tongue out


***

In Willowdale, Oregon it’s illegal for a husband to talk dirty to his wife while making love. It’s lawful at the dinner table however. And I guess it’s OK if your screwing someone other than your wife.

***

Sexual intercourse between unmarried couples is illegal in Georgia. That makes Newt Gingrich a sex offender. Also, and I’m just guessing here, a menage a trois must be lawful.

***

In Harrisburg, PA it is unlawful to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth. If he’s not a truck driver, however, it’s OK.

***

In Virginia it’s unlawful to have sex with the lights on. Bet the proportion of “nooners” is very high.

***

Sex with animals is legal in Washington state as long as the animal weighs less than forty pounds. Suppose it hasn’t reached the age of consent. Is it still OK?

And many thanks to Facebook friends for checking out those silly laws.

March 4, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

Heard the latest rumors about Olympia Snowe. She’s leaving the Senate and she never had an affair. Not homosexual, not bisexual, not even straight. How the hell did someone like that ever get elected to the Senate in the first place?

, U.S. Senator.

Snowe calls it quits. Just can't take the GOP insanity anymore. Image via Wikipedia

She’s a sly one though. This lady of Maine’s great coup occurred during the stimulus give and take in the Finance Committee. She managed to wittle down the package to one that Republicans could claim was a failure.

She repeatedly outwitted the Ivy League city slickers on the Obama economic team by presenting them with a bill that was sure to fail.

Even though the stimulus created and saved millions of jobs, it was much to small to achieve the objective of revitalizing the economy.

***

There’s an old Mafia saying: you gotta have the geetus. That goes double in politics. Not enough cabbage and you get to take the first plane out of Follyland.

The Dems didn’t push their agenda when they had a Democratic Congress because they were scared shitless that it might pass. And if it ever did the big money boys would stop greasing their palms.

That’s why the Dems love the filibuster. They can advocate for a fake populist agenda and then blame the Republicans for blocking it.

And, God forbid, if a portion of the agenda comes too close to passing, they can always depend on Joe Lieberman or Ben Nelson to shoot it down.

***

In view of the Church of Latter Day Saints’ custom of baptizing dead Jews, the bookstore at the Sardo Institute of Lame Humor is offering Mormons an opportunity to participate in a time honored Jewish tradition. 

The bookstore at the Institute announced today that it will begin selling a Mormon version of yarmulkes with the name of Brigham Young embroidered in 14 carat gold lettering emblazoned across the front of the cap. Yarmulkes for the ladies come with a pink tassel. And when you press the button on top of the cap, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir will burst into a chorus of Tzena, Tzena, Tzena sung in medieval Yiddish.

The yarmulke comes with a certificate that entitles the bearer to a Bar Mitzvah and contains a discount coupon for a rabbinical circumcision – even if you’ve already had one – rabbinical or otherwise. And be sure to ask about our postmortem Bar Mitzvah. Bat Mitzvahs are also available.

Mormons are encouraged to be the first in their temples to proudly display a Brigham Young yarmulke.

Send your order to The Sardo Institute Bookstore, Box 555 55 55, Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Yarmulkes are only $19.95 each plus $5.95 for shipping and handling. But if you act right now we’ll include a second yarmulke absolutely free. Just pay shipping and handling. Cash only please.

Better hurry! Offer available while supplies last.

 File:YarmulkeAndMenorah.jpg

A real yarmulke and a menorah from the Harry S. Truman collection.  

***

It’ll be Romney as the Republican nominee or, if the Mayan calendar is right about a calamity in 2012, Jeb Bush by default in a deadlocked GOP convention.

2016 is probably Jeb’s year. I suspect the Bush family is secretly hoping for an Obama victory.

Barbara Bush, Jeb Bush, George H. W. Bush, Lau...

The Bushes - hoping for an Obama victory in 2012? Image via Wikipedia

A spokesman for Jeb Bush announced today that if the former governor does not earn the Republican nomination for president in 2012 he will vote for Barack Obama. The spokesman said that if Obama wins reelection, Jeb feels certain he will be the GOP nominee in 2016 and should win the presidential election with ease

***

Referring to the Israel-Iran squabble, the president told a fund raising audience that he does not bluff. Well, he may not bluff, but that’s only because he folds with a winning hand.

***

Nice gesture by the president to a cruelly insulted young woman. He thanked Sandra Fluke for speaking out on the important issue of insurance payment for birth control. The Georgetown law student was then defamed by the defamer in chief, none other than Rush Limbaugh himself.

***

Rush Limbaugh makes his living by being a snot-nosed entertainer.

Phil Donahue and Rush Limbaugh's Back

Phil Donahue with Rush Limbaugh’s best feature in the background.  (Photo courtesy of Eddie S. Photostream).

Unfortunately for the nation, the millions who hang on his every word believe he is a journalist and that everything he says is sacred truth.

You have to understand Rush Limbaugh though. The man makes a living acting like an asshole. And he depends on other assholes for his bread and butter. It’s not his fault that the nation is filled with ignorant people. Moreover, it’s that crowd that makes him a multimillionaire – a true one percenter. And so he continually pounds right wing propaganda into the tiny brains of his listeners – many of whom reside firmly in the lower economic layers of the US and who may be rightly described as belonging to a class called the Ignorantsia. And after he finishes exploiting these dummies, he collects his cash.

So it’s not only Limbaugh who is an insult to civility and his country. His idolaters are as well.

Unfortunately for the nation, too many people consider this obnoxious entertainer a journalist.

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353,000 MINUS 351,000 that’s a difference of, let’s see. I better get out my slide rule so I’m sure not to make a mathematical error here.

What did I do with that damn thing anyway! Oh, well, I guess you’ll just have to suffer through that mathematical problem all by yourselves. And I promise, I’ll try to come up with the right answer before the next leap year.

Anyway, the Labor Department ballyhooed that figure as a sign that the economy is on the mend. Yes, that’s right. Fewer people filed for unemployment benefits last week than the week before. Have you figured out how many fewer yet? NO! Well, take your time. There’s no hurry. And don’t feel bad ’cause the Labor Department doesn’t know shit from shoe polish anyway. (I would have used the defunct brand name Shinola but I didn’t want to associate a once fine shoe polish with Labor Department bullshit).

According to the LD, the unemployment rate was steady at 8.3 %. That figure however doesn’t include everyone whose unemployed. Go figure that figure.

You see, the Einstein’s at the LD stop counting unemployed people when they decide that these jobless souls are no longer looking for jobs. How do they figure that? Go figure. If they figured the actual number of unemployed along with those working part-time still looking for full time work, I figure the figure would be much higher than the LD’s figure. Probably somewhere in the low 20s. A 20% unemployment rate figure, however, just doesn’t figure well into Obama’s reelection message. At least that’s how I figure it.  

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