The American Way

A spokesman for the Romney campaign said today that as soon as the candidate wins the nomination he will begin reversing his positions on the following issues:

I took this picture at the "Ask Mitt Anyt...

This picture was taken at the "Ask Mitt Anything" townhall at the NHIOP (Saint Anselm College) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mitt Romney seems to have a family predisposition for flip flopping.  It’s worth noting once again his father’s famous turnabout during the presidential campaign of 1968 when as a supporter of the Vietnam War he said after a visit to the country that he had been “brainwashed” by the generals. Eugene McCarthy, also a candidate, retorted “I think a light rinse would have been sufficient. “  

Abortion

Romney will support all abortions for all women.

Birth Control. He will support the free distribution of all birth control methods and devices by Planned Parenthood and require all employers to provide access to birth control to employees free of charge.

Margaret Sanger Deutsch: Margaret Sanger (* 1879)

Margaret Sanger (1879-1966), founder of Planned Parenthood, coined the term "birth control.". (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Minimum Wage: After reversing his position that the minimum wage should be tied to the Consumer Price Index he will again reverse himself and yet again support tying the minimum wage to the CPI.

Affordable Care Act: He will support the administration’s health insurance plan and insist that it be called Robamneycare.

Wall Street Fraud: He will present legislation to strictly regulate the financial industry and reinstate Glass-Steagall.

The Economy: Romney will send to Congress a trillion dollar package to stimulate the economy and help states that are struggling with budget deficits.

Unemployment: He will extend and increase unemployment benefits for those unfortunate people who lost their jobs due largely due to Wall Street chicanery.

Foreclosures: He will force banks to renegotiate mortgages with home owners whose homes lost half their value because of lender fraud.

None of the foregoing remarks are intended to be factual statements. Actually, taking a cue from candidate Romney, I told a bunch of bald faced lies.  We make up; you decide.

Oh well. Such is politics. I guess you could call it the American way.

***

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta went to Afghanistan this week in an effort to whitewash the murder of seventeen innocent men, women and children by a stressed out American soldier. The man was obviously suffering from severe stress syndrome after serving four tours in war zones.

U.S. Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta walks w...

U.S. Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta walks with U.S. Ambassador Karl W. Eikenberry, left, and Afghan Defense Minister Gen. Abdul Rahim Wardak as he arrives at the presidential palace in Kabul, Afghanistan, July 9, 2011. DOD photo by U.S. Air Force Tech. Sgt. Jacob N. Bailey (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In addition to some yada, yada, yada, Panetta said, “This is not the first…” time that this kind of bullshit will happen “and it probably won’t be the last.”

So, according to our esteemed Secretary of Defense, we can look forward to the murder of many more innocent civilians, including women and children, in this and future American wars.

I guess we finally have to admit to ourselves, it’s the American way.

***

Acknowledging Panetta’s forthrightness and unmitigated stupidity, the Nobella Prize Committee announced from its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy that it has awarded the MVP prize to the secretary.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. .

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie the statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.

***

President Obama said this week that he is committed to completing “the mission responsibility” in Afghanistan. Presumably he will continue the mission even if it means driving soldiers so close to the edge of insanity that they will murder innocent men, women and children. The president’s determination seems to reveal itself only in matters of war. Something we can all be very proud of. After all, it’s the American way.

***

American forces have been in Afghanistan for more than ten years now. Ten years and our esteemed generals still have not trained a police force capable of providing law and order in that war torn country. We’ve spent $6 billion dollars on that effort alone and can’t put enough cops on the beat to protect law abiding citizens.

In view of this rank incompetence, veterans of foreign wars should take it upon themselves to demand that the Defense Department create a new ribbon – you know, those things that generals wear on the uniforms of their puffed out chests. A good name for the ribbon, of course, would be the Rank Incompetence Medal and would be awarded to the rank of one star and above. It would recognize the ability of generals who start wars they always seem to lose.

***

We interrupt this report for a bulletin from the UPW Newsroom.

The Nobella Prize Committee announced just moments ago that it is awarding The Schmuckup Prize to American generals who start wars they never win. The Committee recognized that the generals have involved their nation in a war that has lasted more than ten years, have wasted more than $60 billion dollars a year on the effort and have yet to train a police for adequate enough to protect the country.

So, at the Pentagon at least, starting wars they can’t win is becoming the American way.

Generals Dwight D. Eisenhower and Omar Bradley...

War unfortunately is a human condition and the nation cannot make do without its generals despite their foibles and failures. Some of the great ones are pictured. Generals Dwight D. Eisenhower and Omar Bradley talk with a young member of the French resistance in the American sector during the liberation of Lower Normandy in the summer of 1944. ID: p013328 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Winners of The Schmuckup Prize receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. In addition, winners are given the coveted statuette called The Little Schmucky engraved with the words “Schmucked up beyond all reason.” The Little Schmucky is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. All prizes are awarded while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winners supplies just ran out.

***

You may have read in WaPO’s The Plum Line by Greg Sargent that Karl Rove said that killing bin Laden “was not a biggie.”

To make his point, Rove told a teensie, weensie bald face lie. He misquoted Bill Clinton when he wrote that the former president said “that’s a call he would have made.” What Clinton actually said was “I hope that’s a call I would have made.”

Rove’s op-ed, of course, was an attempt to paper over George Bush’s categorical failure to capture or kill bin Laden by allowing him to escape through a military ambush. The terrorist then went on to live a life of luxury in Pakistan.

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia with George W. B...

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia with George W. Bush at the Prairie Chapel Ranch. Who Is the World’s Worst Dictator? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Just wondering. Isn’t the Bush family good friends with many Saudis including the bin Laden family? Didn’t Bush permit the Saudis who were in the US during 9/11 to exit the country the next day despite the fly ban? Bush is known to have extended more than one favor to his friends. Did he allow bin Laden to slip through a crack in the ambush?

Oh, Georgie, couldn’t you do us just this one little favor?”

We make up; you decide.

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3 Comments to “The American Way”

  1. Fox News is funnier than anyone will ever be. 🙂

  2. I always enjoy your skewed views on the news. 🙂

    • I go to great lengths to present a fair and balanced picture of the news. Occasionally, I fail in that endeavor. Unlike Fox News, however, I am willing to admit I don’t always succeed.

      And to my everlasting regret, Fox News is a lot funnier than I will ever be.

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