Archive for April, 2012

April 29, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

The Bush tax cuts will cost the nation $14 trillion dollars over the next 75 years.  Military spending – if it is not sharply curtailed – will cost nearly $80 trillion dollars and possibly more.

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The Bush tax cuts and his wars have created a deficit that may yet destroy the nation’s economy – beyond the damage they have already done.  The tax cuts alone are projected to cost the nation $14 trillion dollars over 75 years.  To put that figure into perspective, the Social Security shortfall is set at only $7 trillion dollars over 75 years and the program is expected to pay 75 to 80 percent of promised benefits despite the shortfall.

Those two figures taken together – tax cuts and war spending –  dwarf the Social Security shortfall of $7 trillion dollars over 75 years.

So what is all the panic about:  The nearly $100 trillion dollars of wasteful spending on war and tax cuts or the $7 trillion dollar easily manageable shortfall in Social Security?

Well, if you believe the hogwash being fed to you by right wing extremists and most of the media (that is, the 1%) about the deficit being caused by Social Security, you are being hornswoggled like never before in the nation’s history.

We all know the answer to the deficit problem.  Cut war spending and end the tax cuts.

According to Robert Naiman posting at Common Dreams, the currently proposed trimming of war spending would alone cover the Social Security shortfall.

And, of course, single payer is a permanent fix to the health insurance dilemma the nation now faces.

If you believe the hogwash spewing forth from the 1%, you are ill-formed or very rich.  And to be fair, many of the very rich don’t believe it for a minute either.

***

Semi-influential Fox News pundit Moncia Crowley tweeted an apology to Sandra Fluke after the Newser inferred that Fluke might be a lesbian.

On Fluke’s engagement Crowley clawed “To a man?”

Here is the apology she tweeted:

“Regret my tweeted question caused a stir. I certainly & unequivocally apologize to Sandra & anyone else I offended. Not my intention,” as published by Huffington Post.

Nice apology.  The comment is revealing nonetheless.

***

Here is a bulletin from the UPW Newsroom:  John McCain is still hanging around Follyland.  He issued a statement accusing President Obama of playing politics with the anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s death.  This nonsense spews from the man who played the prisoner of war card relentlessly.

John, don’t forget to pick up a loaf of bread on the way home.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

***

Obnoxious as ever, House Republicans passed a bill no reasonable person would sign off on.

Republicans will never vote against a measure that helps the 99%.  They will always pass a bill designed to fail, however.  This practice is a common tactic among the GOP and should expose their hypocrisy for all to see.  Unfortunately, too few pay attention and that’s what the Republicans count on.

So the Repubs don’t want the interest rate on student loans to double.  They just want to pay for the difference by gutting preventive health care programs, many of which provide vital care to women, by another $6 billion dollars.

An image of John Boehner at the AT&T National ...

Boehner doing what he does best. An image of John Boehner at the AT&T National golf tournament, July 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Meanwhile, Speaker John Boehner says on CNN’s infotainment show that the cuts proposed by the GOP bill do not represent another assault in the Republican War On Women.

In fact, the House bill represents not only a War On Women, but now a War On Students.

***

And this from the New Jersey Hippodrome:  Chris Christie sorta, maybe called Democrats in the NJ legislature liars.  Critical of a Dem plan to pass a 20% tax credit, he said “They’re lying to you.  It’s the oldest scam in the book.”

Christie wants 10% tax cut – one that would accrue mostly to the rich – while at the same time increasing property tax rates – a tax that would fall heavily on the middle class.

The gov from NJ has demonstrated once again that he has a one-size-fits-all right wing hippo mouth along the lines of Limbaugh, Beck, Savage et al.

***

Don’t look now, but Paul Ryan, the author of the Republican disaster budget, has disavowed the philosophy of his patron saint Ayn Rand.

File:Ayn Rand.svg

Sadly for this lady, we now realize she got it all wrong.  Most of us do anyway.

Apparently, Randian mythology is beginning to fall out of favor.  Once considered a philosophy, Rand’s Objectivism espoused unbridled capitalism and individual greed as foundations of human society.  More and more Rand’s writings are being recognized for what they really are:  The rantings of a disturbed misanthrope.

I guess such ideas have to be pushed into the background when a depraved politician such as Ryan begins sniffing the air for a vice presidential nomination.

***

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April 28, 2012

Candidate Wins Award

Mitt-Romney

Romney enters his hair as a contestant in the new TV reality show "Styling With The Stars.' Mitt-Romney (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Nobella Prize Committee announced from its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy that US presidential candidate Mitt Romney has won the Nobella MVP award.

Mitt won for his statement that college students shouldn’t take out government loans to pay for college.  They should simply borrow the money from their parents.

And exactly where does Mitt “dog on roof” Romney believe parents are going to come up with the kind of scratch to put a son or a daughter through college?  Much less three kids?  That, of course, assumes that all parents have tens of thousands of dollars in the mattress just waiting for the kids to graduate from high school.

“Dog on roof” also noted that times are really, really hard for college students now graduating.  There are no jobs for about half of them.  And, of course, he said he would change all that, meaning the economic conditions existing in a country with few jobs available – conditions that he and his group of greedy capitalists contributed to.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

UPW Senior National Correspondent Marcy Popindick attempted to contact Romney to get a comment on his comments:

Hello, Mitt.  Mitt, are you there?  Come in, Mitt.  Houston, we have a problem.  Mitt Romney is lost in space.

Yes, “dog on roof” is really out ‘dere.  Waaaaay out ‘dere.

Popindick also wanted to congratulate the candidate for being the winner of the Most Valuable Putz award.

The prize was also given for his pointing that some guy named Jimmy John borrowed twenty grand from his parents to open a sandwich shop.  Good for Jimmy John.  And Romney undoubtedly knows thousands of parents with Swiss bank accounts and millions salted away in the Cayman Islands so they can avoid the taxes they justifiable owe their country.  And they would only lend their son $20,000.00!!!  What a bunch of cheapskates!!!  I guess greed is a family thing that even operates within the family.

Anyway, “dog on roof” Romney wins the MVP.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. .

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar which is engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the coveted statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy.  Unreliable Press Worldwide:  Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.

April 21, 2012

Random Musings

Oh, no!  Heeee’s baaaaaaack!

Dick Cheney called the Obama presidency a disaster.

And that from the “master of disaster”, the chief architect of the worst administration in US history.

Coming from the designer of unmitigated disasters, the statement is more than a bit ironic.  The Bush-Cheney regime was worst ever bar none.  The Republicans would do well to keep this guy isolated in the mountains of Wyoming, deep in the winter snows and, if they’re really lucky, maybe buried under an avalanche.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

***

During the presentation portion of the challenge to the Affordable Care Act, Justice Antonin Scalia expressed particular interest in the power of the Federal government to force a citizen to purchase a health insurance policy from private insurance companies.

photograph of the justices, cropped to show Ju...

Scalia reasoned that if the government could force a person to purchase health insurance what would prevent it from forcing its citizens to eat broccoli.

The answer of course is that if broccoli cured a fatal contagious disease, the government would be obligated to force the entire population of the country to eat the vegetable in order to prevent a deadly epidemic. I daresay Scalia would be among the very first to stuff his mouth with the green stuff.

 Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea.  And, who can tell, a mouth full of broccoli might even improve his appearance.  It would certainly prevent him from asking inane questions during oral arguments.

Moreover, while the spread of a fatal disease is a matter of life and death to many, lack of health insurance presents the same choice for millions who can’t afford expensive and inadequate profit  policies.

***

A man was recounting his woes

But discovered he hadn’t enough toes.

His fingers joined the count

As his woes began to mount

From courting ten women trouble flows.

.

A gal was recounting her woes

She invested in stock that soon froze

It soared with the bubble

Then crumbled to rubble

So that’s how the market wind blows.

.

A guy was recounting his woes

To a barmaid with runs in her hose

She said, honey, I’ve heard all the tales

And listened to so many wails

But still can’t buy clothes for my toes.

***

Unemployment Ahead for Many Doctors

Scientists believe they have discovered a vaccine that will help the immune system detect and destroy many types of cancer cells.

According to Richard Gray of The Telegraph, researchers at Tel Aviv University in conjunction with a company called Vaxil Biotheraputics discovered a molecule called MUC1 which is a component of cells both cancerous and healthy.  Cancer cells contain high levels of the molecules which exist at much lower levels in healthy cells.

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A cancer cell.  A protein called MUC1 coats the surfaces of all cells.  It reproduces rapidly in cancer cells.  The new vaccine would “teach” the human immune system to attack the MUC1 protein in malignant tumors.

Scientists believe the new vaccine can “teach” the immune system to attack and destroy the large quantities of the molecule produced by cancerous tumors.

The development looks promising but raises the question of what type of work oncologists will pursue once the vaccine proves effective in treating and curing many cancers.

In response to the employment crisis that may arise among doctors currently practicing oncology, the Sardo Institute of Higher Learning has developed a specialty course designed to teach former doctors how to sell used cars for fun and profit.  As in the medical profession, doctors will be permitted to set their own fees regardless of the ability of buyers to pay for  them.

***

According to an article published in Science Daily, a noted research scientist believes that intelligent life exists on other planets but may well be in the form of dinosaurs.  Dr. Ronald Breslow theorizes that the correct combination of D-amino acids and L-sugars could give rise to intelligent life on any planet suitable for life to exist.

On earth mammalian life came to dominate the landscape only because a huge meteor wiped out the dinosaurs.  Without these voracious predators to determine the survival of the fittest, mammalian life proliferated and soon evolved into the most violent and predacious creature known to man.  Yes, that’s right.  It’s the human being – that rapaciously destructive creature who hubristically refers to himself as homo sapiens sapiens or wise, wise man.  A better moniker might be homo tyranno-simian or man the terrible monkey.

Well, I guess we’re at least wise enough to theorize that on other planets, where mammals became extinct because no meteor impacted the planet, dinosaurs became the dominant life form.  So much for homo sapiens sapiens.

Such an eventually, however, gives rise to certain questions, for example, do tyrannosaurs on a planet far, far away worship a god?  Is it the same God we worship?  Does the God have a chosen group of dinosaurs?  Was there a T-Rex named Abraham?  Who had a son named Issac?  Did the chosen dinosaurs escape from bondage?  Did they have a promised land?  And a messiah?  Was the messiah crucified?  How do you crucify a T-Rex?

This could go on forever.  But you get my drift.

***

Scientists at the Sardo Institute of Higher Learning have discovered exactly what it was that Eve ate in the Garden of Eden to piss off God so much that He expelled her and Adam from paradise.

File:Man's Sin, and God's Promise (Bible Card).jpg

The plants at the base of the tree are believed to be hemp.  Scientists found traces of tetrahydrocannabinol, an ingredient of the plant, in an olive jar at the dig site.

It was not a fruit at all but a plant called hemp that grew at the base of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Archeologists at the dig in the delta where the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers join discovered a Zippo lighter in the area believed to be the location of the Garden.  The lighter has been carbon dated to approximately 5000 BCE, the time when Adam and Eve lived in the area.

According to a text discovered in another olive oil jar uncovered at the site and written by an ancient monk named Rasaphram, the story of the temptation by a serpent is now considered to be historical fact.  A member of a Middle Eastern tribe called the Rasaphrites, Rasaphram writes that Satan, a snake, who at the time walked on two feet, appeared to Eve and said to her that the hemp growing beneath the tree would make her a goddess.  Before the snake could stop her, Eve put a handful of the hemp in her mouth and began to chew it.  She soon spit it out because the plant had an extremely bitter taste even for a weed.

Rasaphram next writes that Satan said to Eve:  “You don’t eat it, asshole, you roll it up and smoke it.”

The snake then flicked his Zippo.

Since it was some really good stuff, she gave Adam a couple of puffs.  Soon, while Eve was scooping up after all of the dinosaurs (yes ladies, there was housework in the Garden of Eden and Eve did it all), Adam was riding around on his T-Rex all day smoking hemp.

When God discovered that the two creatures he had recently made from dust had stolen his best stuff, he became enraged and expelled the thieves from the Garden.

And now every time they had sex, Adam had to use a condom or Eve would get pregnant, throw up and have all kinds of pain whenever she delivered a baby.

And that, boys and girls, is the true story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

Just one more thing.  Adam stole some of God’s plants and was able to grow his own stuff.

Related articles

April 21, 2012

Committee Declares Winner

From its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy, the Nobella Prize Committee awarded its prestigious MVP prize to Virginia Foxx (R-NC).  Representing North Carolina’s 5th Congressional district, the congresswoman said this week that she has no sympathy for college students who are now amassing huge debts to earn an undergraduate degree.

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The woman with no sympathy for students amassing huge college debts, but who graciously votes to give government handouts to profit colleges regardless of amounts, quality or standards of any sort.  That’s the American way.

The congresswoman stated that she worked her way through school and that it took her seven years just to get through third grade.  Nonetheless, she said that if students worked they wouldn’t need to accumulate the thirty, forty, fifty thousand dollars and more to graduate from college.

Apparently, this foxxy fox never borrowed a dime to pay for her degree from UNC Chapel Hill.  However, according to Edward Murray posting at The Huffington Post, the cost of a year of tuition in 1968, the year Foxx attended UNC, was $1245.00 dollars.  That’s about the cost of a year of textbooks today – textbooks that publishers and sit-on-their-ass professors are cashing in on.  (Just to be clear, scuttlebutt has it that some professors actually teach classes).

Edwards also notes that the minimum wage was 38% higher in today’s dollars.  If the minimum wage had kept pace with inflation over the last fifty years or so, it would be about $11.00 an hour.  A minimum wage at that level might give students a fighting chance but that’s a program her party has been trying to destroy ever since its inception in 1938.

As an added incentive to award the Most Valuable Putz to Ms. Foxx, the Committee noted that the congresswoman sits on the Higher Education and Workforce Training Subommittee where she regularly gets her palms greased by lobbyists for profit- making universities that charge exorbitant fees, offer little in the way of education, hire commissioned salesmen to snatch students and then separate them from their government loan money.

(By the way, The Sardo Institute of Higher Learning located in Pasta Fagioli, Italy, accepts a student’s government loan money in payment of tuition even though the Institute offers no degrees, holds no classes and makes no guarantee that a student will ever find a job.  Hey, at least, we’re not faking it like some profit colleges).

So we congratulate Ms. Foxx for winning the award.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. .

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar which is engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the coveted statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

Correction:  Actually, Ms. Foxx didn’t take seven years to complete third grade. It took her that long to finish college.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy.  Unreliable Press Worldwide:  Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.

April 14, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

Congressman Poe and Governor Mitt Romney

Congressman Poe and Governor Mitt Romney (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Two of Mitt Romney’s greatest political assets are his hair stylist and his dentist.

***

A Republican judge on the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals sent an ultimatum to the US Department of Justice demanding a clarification within three days of President Obama’s statement that if the Supreme Court overturns the Affordable Care Act, the decision would represent an extraordinary step of judicial activism.

This guy, some judge named Jerry Smith (isn’t he a comedian;  or am I thinking of the circus clown) sent a letter demanding an explanation within three days of the president’s statement and whether Attorney General Eric Holder believes Federal courts can declare laws unconstitutional.

Frightened as they have always been of the slightest criticism from Fox News and Republican growling in general, the AG responded to the ultimatum presumably with a three page, single spaced letter by noon Thursday as the judge stipulated.

According to UPW News White House Senior Correspondent Marcy Popindick, the letter to this right wing judge began with the words “bafangool, asshole, it’s none of your goddamn business what the president thinks about anything.”

Later in the day Ms. Popindick withdrew her earlier report when she learned that the letter represented the usual White House suck up to Republican demands.

The reality here is that the judge himself violated the Constitution by encroaching on the document’s “separation of powers” imperative.

Moreover, the fact is that no Federal court has the Constitutional authority to overturn any law whatsoever.  That power is at best extra-Constitutional, if not itself unconstitutional.

The power of judicial review devolves from a decision of the Court headed by Chief Justice John Marshall, who declared an act of Congress unconstitutional in the now famous case of Marbury v. Madison.  At best, that power is based on precedent and tradition.  Given the penchant of right wing justices toward judicial activism and their rush to overturn precedent, there is no legal reason an activist president could not reject the Court’s activist decision since the Court has no Constitutional authority to interfere with the powers and obligations a president derives from the Constitution nor to undue the powers of Congress to pass legislation by declaring acts unconstitutional.

William MarburyWilliam Marbury (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

William Marbury (Photo credit: Wikipedia). This is a painting of the famous Marbury whose case before John Marshall’s Supreme Court gave to the Court the enormous and extra-constitutional power to declare acts of Congress unconstitutional.

Moreover, the men who drew up the Constitution were well of aware of the concept of judicial review.  Several state legislatures included that power in their documents.  It can be inferred then that the men, knowing the power existed, deliberately omitted it from the Federal Constitution.

***

Numerous religious groups have wanted Christian prayer restored in public schools for decades.  Now they insisting that The Bible be read in the classroom.

The goal of course has always been to force Christian beliefs on persons who prefer not to partake of the ideas and myths of Christianity.

Can Christians pray in public schools?  Yes, absolutely.  A student can simply bow his head and pray privately at the beginning of every class if he so desires.

Christian students can pray on a school bus in the same manner.

If they are driven to school by parents, they can pray continuously during the drive.

By rising an hour earlier, Christians can go to church and pray every day.  Get up an hour earlier to go pray!!!!!  Are you shittin’ me!!!

By the way, Christians can go to any courtroom in the land and pray.  They can simply take a seat on a bench in the back of the court and bow their heads in prayer.  How many Christians avail themselves of that practice?  I would venture to say none.

The reason of course is that the purpose of the Christian is to stand in front of a group and to force people to pray in the way the Christian commands them to.  Nothing less will suffice.

So, given the power of the pulpit, we might all just as well put on our prayer shoes and learn the Christian way of praying.

As a matter of fact, you might want to purchase a rosary for yourself and every member of your family since projections indicate that a majority of Christians will soon be adherents of Catholicism.

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Ancient Catholic rosary beads.

***

Alan We-est has a brain
EE eye ee eye oh
And from that brain escaped a thought
EE eye ee eye oh
‘Bout a commie commie here
And a commie commie there
Here a commie there a commie
Everywhere a commie commie
Alan We-est had a brain
EE eye ee eye oh.

Now the foregoing may be pretty simpleminded.  But it’s a better idea than West ever had.

***

Baboons have reading skills.  So says Jonathan Grainger, the scientist in charge of the research project.  The animals can distinguish actual words from random letter forms.

According to UPW Senior Science Reporter Chocolotta Chippie, the baboons don’t like Shakespeare or poetry.  They also vote Republican.  In fact, GOP operatives have a massive campaign underway to register baboons before the November elections.

April 2, 2012

Sex Laws of Holy Book Church

UPW News Senior Reporter Marcy Popindick interviewed Dr. Mangiapasta Bacciagalupe, a resident scholar at the Sardo Institute of Religious Studies, Anthropology, Genealogy, Sociology, Archeology, Gynecology, Eschatology, Proctology and Cake Baking and Decorating.

Dr. Bacciagalupe is also a bishop in the Church of the Holy Book in Pasta Fagioli, Italy. The Church is an adjunct of the Sardo Institute and Dr. Bacciagalupe is Eminent Confessor at the Church. He is the author of the New York Times best-selling nonfiction book Osservare in Camera Da Letto or To Look in the Bedroom.

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The Church of the Holy Book located on the campus of The Sardo Institute in Pasta Fagioli, Italy.  (Photo courtesy of Rick Cooper.)

In his book, Dr. Bacciagalupe contends that it is the duty of the apostles of the Church of the Holy Book to observe the activities of married couples in their bedrooms to ensure that the faithful are obeying sexual mandates and avoiding prohibitions outlined in the Church’s commandments.

Ms. Popindick: Dr. Bacciagalupe you contend in your book that it is not enough for the Church to trust that the faithful are adhering to the sexual practices permitted by the laws of the Church; that the Church must place hidden cameras in the bedrooms of the faithful so apostles can observe the activities and declare the faithful to be living in accordance with the laws of the Church. Is that a fair characterization of your views?

Dr. Bacciagalupe: Of a course. You can a never trust a da dese people. They take off a da clothes and dey go crazy. Do all kinds a crazy tings a ya know. You gotta watch a dese people.

Popindick: Doctor can you outline for our readers some the sexual laws of the Church that the faithful are required to follow.

Bacciagalupe: Why sure, it’s a very simple. The woman, you know, gotta lay on her back. She can a do that as much as she wants. But she gotta make a da babies. Dere’s a no other way.

Warning:  For adults only.  The following photo depicts a male and a female engaging in sexual relations.  As you can plainly see, the two are violating the precept of the Holy Book Church that the female lay on her back.  

File:Cynictis penicillata mating1 cropped.jpg

P: So your church, like the Catholic church, forbids the use of birth control.

B: Yes. Sex is a for making da babies. No babies; no sex.

P: Can you tell us how many adherents are obeying the laws of the church?

B: So far, nobody. But we can a change a dat.

P: You were born and raised in Sicily. How did you get the name Mangiapasta?

B: Well, for a long time, I thought my name was a Jesus Christ. I was a very skinny as a young boy. And momma, God rest her soul, always say “Jesus Christ, mangia you pasta already.” Momma, God rest her soul, always call a me Jesus Christ. So I didn’t know my real name until I was a fifteen years old. But den I getta da nickame Mangie boy. Atsa what a my friends call a me.

P: Can you tell our readers what city in Sicily you were born in?

B: It’s a no city really. It’s a Bacciagalupe Mountain. I come from a big a family. And all a da kids, dey help with a da family business on a top of da mountain.

P: Tell us something about the business.

B: Why sure a? We make a da spaghetti. All a da kids, we pitch in. Momma, God rest her soul, she always had a da big a belly, so she no can a help. Poppa, God rest his soul, no help a too much either. He always busy with momma. So one of the kids mix a da flour, another make a da dough, then you put a through da machine and spaghetti comes out the other end. You put in a box, lick a both ends and you take a to market.

P: I understand the family was also in the olive oil business.

B: Yes. We have a da olive garden. We pick a da olives, crush them to make a da oil. Then we collect old Coke a bottles, rinse them out, put in a da olive oil, then a cork, stick on a label and you sell. Sometimes we add a lilla sugar, a lilla caffeine and some bubbles. We call it an energy drink and we sell to Americans. Dey so stupid dey buy any ting from anybody anywhere. All a dey can a do is start a da wars dey can a never win.

P: A TV show was made about your family life on the mountain some years ago. Can you tell us about that?

B: Yes. They call it The Bacciagalupes. We make a some money off a dat deal, let me tell you. No more collecting old Coke a bottles.

P: I’ve heard you vacation frequently on an island in the Caribbean. Is that true?

B: I go dere only to pray for those a poor people. Only to pray. It’s a very sad. You know you can a get any ting you want over dere. Lilla boys, lilla girls. Every ting.

P: You were apprehended by Customs officials for possession of a large quantity of Viagra without a prescription. Can you explain that?

B: Oh, no. Not a true. Not a me. You confuse a me with somebody else. You know, Viagra it’s a every where. You can a get on da street. Very cheap. It’s a like Congress. You grease a few palms and you getta whatever you want.

P: The Sardo Institute of Veterinary Medicine and Animal Husbandry has developed a porkless pig meat. Tell us how that was done.

B: Oh, ats a big a secret. All I can a tell is we modify a the DNA of a the fetus. Then we take a transvaginal ultrasound and take a sample of a da lilla piglet’s tissue to make a sure the meat is porkless. But, and dis is a very important, we no make a da momma pig look at da pictures. Ats a too cruel.

P: Why is it so important to have porkless pig meat?

B: Well, as you know, when you commit a sin you get a punished by God. So many, many years ago, God sends a da Assyrians to conquer Israel. Den he sends a da Babylonians. Next comes da Greeks and den a da Romans. Everybody conquers Israel just a because one day someone ate a pepperoni pizza. Ats a fact. So God no like what happens and he punishes the whole a country. But now everybody can enjoy a pepperoni pizza and you no have to worry about a da Babylonians anymore.

P: That concludes our interview, Bishop Bacciagalupe. Thank you, Your Excellency.

B: So what a you think now. How about a you come up to may place and we have a cup a coffee. I show you my etchings.

P: Why, I’d like that very much.

File:Waltons 1972.JPG

The Bacciagalupe family in a photo taken while on vacation in Pasta Fagioli, Italy.  Atsa Momma, atsa Poppa and atsa me.

From Unreliable Press Worldwide: UPW, surpassing the mainstream media in bringing you worthlessly useless news the world over.