Sex Laws of Holy Book Church

UPW News Senior Reporter Marcy Popindick interviewed Dr. Mangiapasta Bacciagalupe, a resident scholar at the Sardo Institute of Religious Studies, Anthropology, Genealogy, Sociology, Archeology, Gynecology, Eschatology, Proctology and Cake Baking and Decorating.

Dr. Bacciagalupe is also a bishop in the Church of the Holy Book in Pasta Fagioli, Italy. The Church is an adjunct of the Sardo Institute and Dr. Bacciagalupe is Eminent Confessor at the Church. He is the author of the New York Times best-selling nonfiction book Osservare in Camera Da Letto or To Look in the Bedroom.

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The Church of the Holy Book located on the campus of The Sardo Institute in Pasta Fagioli, Italy.  (Photo courtesy of Rick Cooper.)

In his book, Dr. Bacciagalupe contends that it is the duty of the apostles of the Church of the Holy Book to observe the activities of married couples in their bedrooms to ensure that the faithful are obeying sexual mandates and avoiding prohibitions outlined in the Church’s commandments.

Ms. Popindick: Dr. Bacciagalupe you contend in your book that it is not enough for the Church to trust that the faithful are adhering to the sexual practices permitted by the laws of the Church; that the Church must place hidden cameras in the bedrooms of the faithful so apostles can observe the activities and declare the faithful to be living in accordance with the laws of the Church. Is that a fair characterization of your views?

Dr. Bacciagalupe: Of a course. You can a never trust a da dese people. They take off a da clothes and dey go crazy. Do all kinds a crazy tings a ya know. You gotta watch a dese people.

Popindick: Doctor can you outline for our readers some the sexual laws of the Church that the faithful are required to follow.

Bacciagalupe: Why sure, it’s a very simple. The woman, you know, gotta lay on her back. She can a do that as much as she wants. But she gotta make a da babies. Dere’s a no other way.

Warning:  For adults only.  The following photo depicts a male and a female engaging in sexual relations.  As you can plainly see, the two are violating the precept of the Holy Book Church that the female lay on her back.  

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P: So your church, like the Catholic church, forbids the use of birth control.

B: Yes. Sex is a for making da babies. No babies; no sex.

P: Can you tell us how many adherents are obeying the laws of the church?

B: So far, nobody. But we can a change a dat.

P: You were born and raised in Sicily. How did you get the name Mangiapasta?

B: Well, for a long time, I thought my name was a Jesus Christ. I was a very skinny as a young boy. And momma, God rest her soul, always say “Jesus Christ, mangia you pasta already.” Momma, God rest her soul, always call a me Jesus Christ. So I didn’t know my real name until I was a fifteen years old. But den I getta da nickame Mangie boy. Atsa what a my friends call a me.

P: Can you tell our readers what city in Sicily you were born in?

B: It’s a no city really. It’s a Bacciagalupe Mountain. I come from a big a family. And all a da kids, dey help with a da family business on a top of da mountain.

P: Tell us something about the business.

B: Why sure a? We make a da spaghetti. All a da kids, we pitch in. Momma, God rest her soul, she always had a da big a belly, so she no can a help. Poppa, God rest his soul, no help a too much either. He always busy with momma. So one of the kids mix a da flour, another make a da dough, then you put a through da machine and spaghetti comes out the other end. You put in a box, lick a both ends and you take a to market.

P: I understand the family was also in the olive oil business.

B: Yes. We have a da olive garden. We pick a da olives, crush them to make a da oil. Then we collect old Coke a bottles, rinse them out, put in a da olive oil, then a cork, stick on a label and you sell. Sometimes we add a lilla sugar, a lilla caffeine and some bubbles. We call it an energy drink and we sell to Americans. Dey so stupid dey buy any ting from anybody anywhere. All a dey can a do is start a da wars dey can a never win.

P: A TV show was made about your family life on the mountain some years ago. Can you tell us about that?

B: Yes. They call it The Bacciagalupes. We make a some money off a dat deal, let me tell you. No more collecting old Coke a bottles.

P: I’ve heard you vacation frequently on an island in the Caribbean. Is that true?

B: I go dere only to pray for those a poor people. Only to pray. It’s a very sad. You know you can a get any ting you want over dere. Lilla boys, lilla girls. Every ting.

P: You were apprehended by Customs officials for possession of a large quantity of Viagra without a prescription. Can you explain that?

B: Oh, no. Not a true. Not a me. You confuse a me with somebody else. You know, Viagra it’s a every where. You can a get on da street. Very cheap. It’s a like Congress. You grease a few palms and you getta whatever you want.

P: The Sardo Institute of Veterinary Medicine and Animal Husbandry has developed a porkless pig meat. Tell us how that was done.

B: Oh, ats a big a secret. All I can a tell is we modify a the DNA of a the fetus. Then we take a transvaginal ultrasound and take a sample of a da lilla piglet’s tissue to make a sure the meat is porkless. But, and dis is a very important, we no make a da momma pig look at da pictures. Ats a too cruel.

P: Why is it so important to have porkless pig meat?

B: Well, as you know, when you commit a sin you get a punished by God. So many, many years ago, God sends a da Assyrians to conquer Israel. Den he sends a da Babylonians. Next comes da Greeks and den a da Romans. Everybody conquers Israel just a because one day someone ate a pepperoni pizza. Ats a fact. So God no like what happens and he punishes the whole a country. But now everybody can enjoy a pepperoni pizza and you no have to worry about a da Babylonians anymore.

P: That concludes our interview, Bishop Bacciagalupe. Thank you, Your Excellency.

B: So what a you think now. How about a you come up to may place and we have a cup a coffee. I show you my etchings.

P: Why, I’d like that very much.

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The Bacciagalupe family in a photo taken while on vacation in Pasta Fagioli, Italy.  Atsa Momma, atsa Poppa and atsa me.

From Unreliable Press Worldwide: UPW, surpassing the mainstream media in bringing you worthlessly useless news the world over.

 

 

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