Archive for April 21st, 2012

April 21, 2012

Random Musings

Oh, no!  Heeee’s baaaaaaack!

Dick Cheney called the Obama presidency a disaster.

And that from the “master of disaster”, the chief architect of the worst administration in US history.

Coming from the designer of unmitigated disasters, the statement is more than a bit ironic.  The Bush-Cheney regime was worst ever bar none.  The Republicans would do well to keep this guy isolated in the mountains of Wyoming, deep in the winter snows and, if they’re really lucky, maybe buried under an avalanche.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

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During the presentation portion of the challenge to the Affordable Care Act, Justice Antonin Scalia expressed particular interest in the power of the Federal government to force a citizen to purchase a health insurance policy from private insurance companies.

photograph of the justices, cropped to show Ju...

Scalia reasoned that if the government could force a person to purchase health insurance what would prevent it from forcing its citizens to eat broccoli.

The answer of course is that if broccoli cured a fatal contagious disease, the government would be obligated to force the entire population of the country to eat the vegetable in order to prevent a deadly epidemic. I daresay Scalia would be among the very first to stuff his mouth with the green stuff.

 Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea.  And, who can tell, a mouth full of broccoli might even improve his appearance.  It would certainly prevent him from asking inane questions during oral arguments.

Moreover, while the spread of a fatal disease is a matter of life and death to many, lack of health insurance presents the same choice for millions who can’t afford expensive and inadequate profit  policies.

***

A man was recounting his woes

But discovered he hadn’t enough toes.

His fingers joined the count

As his woes began to mount

From courting ten women trouble flows.

.

A gal was recounting her woes

She invested in stock that soon froze

It soared with the bubble

Then crumbled to rubble

So that’s how the market wind blows.

.

A guy was recounting his woes

To a barmaid with runs in her hose

She said, honey, I’ve heard all the tales

And listened to so many wails

But still can’t buy clothes for my toes.

***

Unemployment Ahead for Many Doctors

Scientists believe they have discovered a vaccine that will help the immune system detect and destroy many types of cancer cells.

According to Richard Gray of The Telegraph, researchers at Tel Aviv University in conjunction with a company called Vaxil Biotheraputics discovered a molecule called MUC1 which is a component of cells both cancerous and healthy.  Cancer cells contain high levels of the molecules which exist at much lower levels in healthy cells.

File:Basal cell carcinoma.jpg

A cancer cell.  A protein called MUC1 coats the surfaces of all cells.  It reproduces rapidly in cancer cells.  The new vaccine would “teach” the human immune system to attack the MUC1 protein in malignant tumors.

Scientists believe the new vaccine can “teach” the immune system to attack and destroy the large quantities of the molecule produced by cancerous tumors.

The development looks promising but raises the question of what type of work oncologists will pursue once the vaccine proves effective in treating and curing many cancers.

In response to the employment crisis that may arise among doctors currently practicing oncology, the Sardo Institute of Higher Learning has developed a specialty course designed to teach former doctors how to sell used cars for fun and profit.  As in the medical profession, doctors will be permitted to set their own fees regardless of the ability of buyers to pay for  them.

***

According to an article published in Science Daily, a noted research scientist believes that intelligent life exists on other planets but may well be in the form of dinosaurs.  Dr. Ronald Breslow theorizes that the correct combination of D-amino acids and L-sugars could give rise to intelligent life on any planet suitable for life to exist.

On earth mammalian life came to dominate the landscape only because a huge meteor wiped out the dinosaurs.  Without these voracious predators to determine the survival of the fittest, mammalian life proliferated and soon evolved into the most violent and predacious creature known to man.  Yes, that’s right.  It’s the human being – that rapaciously destructive creature who hubristically refers to himself as homo sapiens sapiens or wise, wise man.  A better moniker might be homo tyranno-simian or man the terrible monkey.

Well, I guess we’re at least wise enough to theorize that on other planets, where mammals became extinct because no meteor impacted the planet, dinosaurs became the dominant life form.  So much for homo sapiens sapiens.

Such an eventually, however, gives rise to certain questions, for example, do tyrannosaurs on a planet far, far away worship a god?  Is it the same God we worship?  Does the God have a chosen group of dinosaurs?  Was there a T-Rex named Abraham?  Who had a son named Issac?  Did the chosen dinosaurs escape from bondage?  Did they have a promised land?  And a messiah?  Was the messiah crucified?  How do you crucify a T-Rex?

This could go on forever.  But you get my drift.

***

Scientists at the Sardo Institute of Higher Learning have discovered exactly what it was that Eve ate in the Garden of Eden to piss off God so much that He expelled her and Adam from paradise.

File:Man's Sin, and God's Promise (Bible Card).jpg

The plants at the base of the tree are believed to be hemp.  Scientists found traces of tetrahydrocannabinol, an ingredient of the plant, in an olive jar at the dig site.

It was not a fruit at all but a plant called hemp that grew at the base of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Archeologists at the dig in the delta where the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers join discovered a Zippo lighter in the area believed to be the location of the Garden.  The lighter has been carbon dated to approximately 5000 BCE, the time when Adam and Eve lived in the area.

According to a text discovered in another olive oil jar uncovered at the site and written by an ancient monk named Rasaphram, the story of the temptation by a serpent is now considered to be historical fact.  A member of a Middle Eastern tribe called the Rasaphrites, Rasaphram writes that Satan, a snake, who at the time walked on two feet, appeared to Eve and said to her that the hemp growing beneath the tree would make her a goddess.  Before the snake could stop her, Eve put a handful of the hemp in her mouth and began to chew it.  She soon spit it out because the plant had an extremely bitter taste even for a weed.

Rasaphram next writes that Satan said to Eve:  “You don’t eat it, asshole, you roll it up and smoke it.”

The snake then flicked his Zippo.

Since it was some really good stuff, she gave Adam a couple of puffs.  Soon, while Eve was scooping up after all of the dinosaurs (yes ladies, there was housework in the Garden of Eden and Eve did it all), Adam was riding around on his T-Rex all day smoking hemp.

When God discovered that the two creatures he had recently made from dust had stolen his best stuff, he became enraged and expelled the thieves from the Garden.

And now every time they had sex, Adam had to use a condom or Eve would get pregnant, throw up and have all kinds of pain whenever she delivered a baby.

And that, boys and girls, is the true story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

Just one more thing.  Adam stole some of God’s plants and was able to grow his own stuff.

Related articles

April 21, 2012

Committee Declares Winner

From its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy, the Nobella Prize Committee awarded its prestigious MVP prize to Virginia Foxx (R-NC).  Representing North Carolina’s 5th Congressional district, the congresswoman said this week that she has no sympathy for college students who are now amassing huge debts to earn an undergraduate degree.

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The woman with no sympathy for students amassing huge college debts, but who graciously votes to give government handouts to profit colleges regardless of amounts, quality or standards of any sort.  That’s the American way.

The congresswoman stated that she worked her way through school and that it took her seven years just to get through third grade.  Nonetheless, she said that if students worked they wouldn’t need to accumulate the thirty, forty, fifty thousand dollars and more to graduate from college.

Apparently, this foxxy fox never borrowed a dime to pay for her degree from UNC Chapel Hill.  However, according to Edward Murray posting at The Huffington Post, the cost of a year of tuition in 1968, the year Foxx attended UNC, was $1245.00 dollars.  That’s about the cost of a year of textbooks today – textbooks that publishers and sit-on-their-ass professors are cashing in on.  (Just to be clear, scuttlebutt has it that some professors actually teach classes).

Edwards also notes that the minimum wage was 38% higher in today’s dollars.  If the minimum wage had kept pace with inflation over the last fifty years or so, it would be about $11.00 an hour.  A minimum wage at that level might give students a fighting chance but that’s a program her party has been trying to destroy ever since its inception in 1938.

As an added incentive to award the Most Valuable Putz to Ms. Foxx, the Committee noted that the congresswoman sits on the Higher Education and Workforce Training Subommittee where she regularly gets her palms greased by lobbyists for profit- making universities that charge exorbitant fees, offer little in the way of education, hire commissioned salesmen to snatch students and then separate them from their government loan money.

(By the way, The Sardo Institute of Higher Learning located in Pasta Fagioli, Italy, accepts a student’s government loan money in payment of tuition even though the Institute offers no degrees, holds no classes and makes no guarantee that a student will ever find a job.  Hey, at least, we’re not faking it like some profit colleges).

So we congratulate Ms. Foxx for winning the award.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. .

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar which is engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the coveted statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

Correction:  Actually, Ms. Foxx didn’t take seven years to complete third grade. It took her that long to finish college.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy.  Unreliable Press Worldwide:  Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.