Jack and Jill Charged With Theft

Children Injured in Fall While Stealing Water.

Jack and Jill (nursery rhyme)

Jack and Jill (nursery rhyme) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is Marcy Popindick reporting from Hades Hill which you see behind me and where two children named Jack and Jill allegedly went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. According to eyewitnesses, Jack fell down and broke his crown. Again according witnesses, Jill, attempting to help Jack, came tumbling after.

Both children have been seriously injured although their condition is not immediately available. We do know that they have been rushed by emergency responders to Lucifer Memorial Hospital.

Hades Hill and the water well atop it are owned by WACD – the Water Allotment Control Division of Wall Street investment firm Drain Capital.

Our sources are telling us that the voucher provided by the government program, which gives assistance to all citizens who cannot afford to pay for water, was insufficient and the kids could not cover the additional cost of the precious liquid they needed. The children then proceeded up the hill to fetch the pail of water.

According to a company official we spoke with, stealing water from WACD (pronounced WHACKED) is a felony offense and the children will be charged.

File:Allenwood River Bridge.jpg

Before too long the water rights to rivers across the country may belong to investment firms such as Drain Capital.

It is unclear at this time whether the children slipped and fell accidently while attempting to steal the water or if armed guards employed by WACD threw them down the hill.

Our correspondent Chalkalatta Chippie is now on the scene at Lucifer Memorial. Chalkalatta are any details available on the condition of the two children?

Good evening. This is Chalkalatta Chippie reporting from Lucifer Memorial Hospital. We have just learned that both children who we know only as Jack and Jill have been admitted to Lucifer for evaluation. The condition of both has been listed as critical and surgeons are reportedly rushing to the hospital in an attempt to save the lives of both kids.

Police are withholding the last names of the children until parents are notified.

We have an update. A spokesman for Lucifer Memorial has just informed us that the hosipital is withholding treatment from the children because they do not qualify for Medicaid assistance under the newly enacted rules for the program. The children, who received government vouchers under the new law now called VoucherCare, could not afford to pay the difference between the voucher and the cost of profitized health insurance. The kids have no other means to pay for the cost of medical care that the hospital is now denying them.

We have also learned that police are charging the two juveniles with felony criminal trespass and felony theft of water. According to witnesses this isn’t the first time Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. The kids have apparently done so on numerous occasions, usually late at night.

The wells on the top of the hill as you know are owned and operated by a corporation that owns leases to the regions underground water supplies. The leases granted by the Federal Government to the corporation also cover such above ground sources as rivers and streams. Several corporations are now owners of the water supply across the entire country.

In addition to the government vouchers all residents residents must purchase coupons from the profitized companies who own the leases. Jack and Jill to anyone’s knowledge did not have coupons and are now suspected by police of felony water theft.

Spokesmen for WACD declined to comment on the charges being brought against Jack and Jill.

We have just received word from an unreliable source that Chief of Police Buford Barford Bifford has arrived on the scene riding on a pony.

Police chief arrives riding on a pony.

The chief has issued a warrant for the arrest of the kids and charged the two juveniles with water theft. He will read them their rights as soon as they are removed from Lucifer Memorial which we expect will happen momentarily. That is if they survive their ordeal at all. According to the chief he has eyewitness evidence that the two little thieves have been stealing water from WACD for weeks and that the system will not tolerate such criminal behavior. The kids will be dealt with to the full extent of the law. 

Meanwhile, we have just learned that a girl named Mary, had a little lamb, who just moments ago died of thirst. Mary’s government voucher didn’t cover enough of the cost of water and the girl could not afford to buy a company coupon to pay the difference and her little lamb has just died.

We are now reporting from a large empy parking lot at Lucifer Memorial where a group of Christian pastors has assembled to make an announcement. The pastors fully supported the right of the hospital to deny treatment to the children declaring in a previously released statement that not having a profit health insurance plan was irresponsible and the community of churches would not condone such negligent behavior.

However, the pastors vowed to hold barbecue chicken dinners to raise funds to help defray the cost of treatment for the kids.

A spokesman for Lucifer said that if the hospital received the proceeds of 10,000 barbecue chicken dinners within six months, the institution would treat the clildren and not charge any interest on the debt.

After voting all of their lives to deny health care to both adults and children the Christian congregations were joyful at the prospect of selling and buying poultry platters to contribute to the cost of medical care for the two little kids. Oh, how joyful they all were.

Here is another update. We just learned moments ago that Jack has died. According to unreliable sources, Jack was pronounced dead shortly after hosipital officials denied treatment to the child because he did not have health insurance to pay for the costs.

This is Chalkalatta Chippie reporting from Lucifer Memorial Hospital.

Privatizing the water supply:  Did you know it’s already happening.  Would you trust Goldman-Sachs, Citicorp or Bain Capital to provide a secure, safe and inexpensive source of water?  Either would I.

http://www.citizen.org/documents/Top10-ReasonsToOpposeWaterPrivatization.pdf

http://www.statesman.com/news/statesman-investigates/growth-of-large-private-water-companies-brings-higher-2038684.html

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3 Comments to “Jack and Jill Charged With Theft”

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