The DC Folly Trolley – 01/20/13

Lisa Defiant

Lisa Murkowski (I-AK) defied the order of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) to vote to reject an increase in the debt ceiling.

According to a spokesman, McConnell is now suffering from severe constipation since being confronted by the unexpected defiance.

The GOP leader was also angered by a statement from Susan Collins, the Maine Republican, who insisted that the debt ceiling must be raised. So upset was the Kentucky senator at Collins’ betrayal that he apparently confused his Viagra pill with Flomax and has been observed dashing to restrooms with a bulge in his pants.

SUSAN

The ladies strike back. Susan Collins, senator from Maine.

.

Mitch McConnell mixed a Viagra
With his Flomax; now goes like Niagara.
To the restroom he keeps dashing
His swollen pants can’t keep from flashing
A bump like a corn ear from ConAgra.

…….

GOP Offers Debt Limit Increase.

Some members of the House GOP agreed to extend the debt ceiling by three months. However, Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi rejected the offer demanding a clean increase.

In response, according an anonymous source, the House Republican caucus offered to extend the debt limit for three minutes once a month.

Extending the limit by this number would allow the Treasury to pay all of nation’s debts on time. They’d just have to do it very, very fast.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said he would have to resort to blood doping to move that quickly.

……..

Right Wing Insists On Benefit Cuts To Pass Budget.

Mitch McConnell once again called for drastic spending cuts if Republicans in the Senate are to vote in favor of a new budget.

McConnell’s statement can be summed up in a few words: Cut Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid benefits.

The senator paused for a moment to reach for a handkerchief to wipe the drool spilling over his lips and down his chin.

The cuts to safety net benefits the senator referred to are nothing new and the benefits are those the vast majority of Americans depend on to maintain a modest lifestyle after retirement.

They are also the benefits Republicans and their benefactors want to get their greedy little hands on either through profitization or tax cuts or both.

In a nutshell, it all boils down to class warfare by the rich upon the rest of us.

The senator again wiped the drool from his chin.

…….

Chairman Warns Against Afghan Troop Reductions.

Sen. Carl Levin, the Democrat from Michigan who chairs the Armed Services Committee, appealed to President Obama not to reduce the troops in Afghanistan by one third after 2015.

Levin said a substantial force will be needed to combat al Qaeda well beyond the date set by the president.

LEVIN

The $3 trillion dollars in rare natural resources the country possesses had nothing to do with the senator’s appeal.

But, a little here, a little there couldn’t hurt.

Levin, by the way, is one of the senators whose fancy footwork has all but scuttled filibuster reform.

…….

Sad Times For A Bankster

JPMorgan Chase lost some $6 billion dollars last year due to  risky trading schemes. Because of this trading adventurism El Presidente Jamie Dimon, the leader of the bankster pack, suffered a massive decrease in salary of about one half his previous earnings.

Dimon (perhaps you’ve heard of him in connection with taxpayer bailouts of failed banks that engaged in mortgage fraud practices) whose total compensation package will amount to little more than $11 million dollars this year, is said to be suffering from a malady known to Wall Streeters as Cash Reduction of Annual Pay Syndrome or CRAP.

While few bank CEOs ever contract CRAP, many Street executives live in fear of the syndrome since all are susceptible to the disease when they get caught cheating people out of their investments.

So for those, like Dimon, who get their greedy little fingers entangled in derivative scams and who fall victim to CRAP, here are a few suggestions for coping from The Sardo Institute’s survival manual entitled Getting By On $11 Million Dollars A Year:

  • Omit Beluga from the menu. Switch to a less expensive caviar such as the roe from salmon. One, of course, does have to acquire a taste for the inferior brand. However, the sturgeon population in the Black and Caspian Seas is diminishing and the fish and its eggs could become extinct at some point thereby forcing a switch to less desirable delicacies in the future.  So be the first in your country club….
  • Switch from Dom Perignon to less expensive champagne such as Andre-Brut which a servant can purchase at the local grocery store for five or six bucks a bottle.
  • Serve Gallo Brothers wines at your next shindig. They’re even cheaper when you buy by the gallon. Have your sommelier decant into Dom Perignon empties you’ve accumlated. Who’ll know?
  • Shop around for a country club with cheaper fees. Negotiate with the committee.
  • Dine out less.
  • Learn to tolerate a Big Mac. You’ll discover the intricacies of the delicately blended special sauce and savor the delights of the sesame seed bun.
  • Reduce the household staff.
  • Sell one of the villas.
  • Dock the yacht for a month or two each year. Put the captain on unpaid furlough.

There are many other ways to stretch a budget. With a little imagination you’ll find you too can survive on $11 million dollars a year.

.

The rich are in a pickle
With debt ceiling policy now fickle
Where to put all the dough
When government stops the flow
Of interest on bonds that won’t earn a nickel.

…….

Trillion Dollar Coins Nixed.

President Obama rejected the notion of having the Treasury mint trillion dollar coins as a means of sidestepping the debt ceiling imposed by Congress.

I guess that means my request for two of the coins has been shot down.

The trillion dollar coin has been nixed
So the debt ceiling now can’t be fixed.
Republicans are firm
Making Democrats squirm
But views on the outcome are still mixed.
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3 Comments to “The DC Folly Trolley – 01/20/13”

  1. I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own weblog and was curious what all is needed to get set up? I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
    I’m not very web savvy so I’m not 100% positive. Any recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciated. Kudos

    • It’s absolutely free. Go to WordPress, select a free site (mine is a magazine style called Under the Influence), follow instructions, practice a little and you’re on your way It’s really quite easy once you get familiar with the routine. WordPress is much more functional than Blogger

  2. Fun post, as always, and I enjoyed your funny faces.

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