The DC Folly Trolley – 06/02/13

Amazing Scientific Principle Discovered.

The United States of America has the highest incarceration rate in the civilized world (for the sake of argument I’m including the U.S. in that category, some may disagree).

However, that rate can easily be adjusted to reflect the lowest rate on the entire planet. How? Don’t count prisoners, that’s how.

You could also close all the prisons and achieve the same result.

It’s amazing no one ever thought of this scientific device. Not Newton, not Descartes, not Einstein.


Andromeda, a famous prisoner of Greek mythology, chained to a rock as a sacrifice to appease a monster. She was freed by Perseus, whom she later married.


Now there is a cause and effect relationship here that could result in an unfavorable outcome for society as a whole. For one, the impact of a sudden release of all prisoners would cause a dramatic increase in the unemployment rate and an even more be insalubrious effect, to say the least, would be an increase in the crime rate – to say the least.

And when you consider that many people in jail are there for smoking pot and recidivism rates are high, releasing them could have an unexpected outcome. For one, the parts per million of second hand marijuana smoke in the atmosphere would no doubt increase exponentially in our rapidly overheating carbon bubble. We would not only be walking around with majawanna highs from second hand smoke but would also be increasing the atmospheric temperature and advancing the effects of global warming.

By using the scientific principle outlined above, however, there are any number of improvements that could be made to our cultural and economic problems.

Wanna lower the cost of health care, stop treating sick people (especially old sick people).

End global warming? Get rid of all the thermometers.

Oh sure, you’ll still be hot. But do you really need to know how hot?

How about ending recessions forever? Exclude people without jobs in employment figures.

At any rate, the data supporting a low incarceration rate by closing prisons is unassailable.


Oh, rats. It looks like Reinhart-Rogoff discovered the principle of ignoring causation before I did.


Carmen Reinhart, still employed by Harvard as an “economist.”.

Also, as Krugman and others have repeatedly pointed out, the correlations in R&R tell us nothing about causation. There are lots of sick people at hospitals. Would we not have sick people if we shut our hospitals?

Yes, we would still have sick people. But that’s not the point of the Reinhart-Rogoff “ignore causation” principle. The outcome of closing all the hospitals would reduce costs precipitously and that, for example, RR,s economics saves Medicare.


Food Stamp Hysteria.

I’m really getting tired of people complaining about wage slavery in Asian countries.

If people want to starve, the least they can do is work for it.


Logo of SNAP, food assistance program on the Republican cutting board.

And why is there so much fuss about Congress wanting to reduce food stamps for starving Americans. Millions of people work for starving wages. Why should Americans be any different? Right, Jamie.

So it causes hardship. Nothing wrong with a little hardship. It builds character. We’re really doing God’s work, right Lloyd.


Their Lordships Jamie Dimon and Lloyd Blankfein, Wall Street masters of the principle that profit justifies the means

Besides, if the gods wanted everyone to eat, they would have given us safe herbicides, pesticides and genetically modified organisms. Instead, they gave us Monsanto.

And let’s look on the bright side here, starving is one of the most effective means of combating the obesity epidemic.


Flack For Consumers.

American consumers are taking a lot of flack lately for buying cheap goods made by Asian wage slavers working in substandard conditions.

Not that we have any choice though. Even upscale retailers buy goods made by wage slaves.

And consumers do show some respect for their Asian underlings. After all, it’s not like we’re stepping on dead bodies in Bangladesh or anything.

And of course nothing is ever said about the poor quality of the product produced by these starving people. You’re supposed to get what you pay for even if it’s cheap. But that’s not always the case when you’re dealing with arrogant wage slaves.

I once bought a shirt made by Asians and a button came off in less than two weeks. Had to throw the thing away. Makes you wonder if these people are really worth the slave wage they’re getting paid. I think their wages should be docked a bowl of rice a day for an entire month.

Right. Walmart.


What’s Her Name Quits.

Michelle Bachmann threw in the towel this week. She won’t be running for reelection to her Minnesota congressional seat.

bachmann 1

One of the great benefits of her withdrawal will be the loss of her seat on the House Intelligence Committee. According to a spokesperson, her loss could bring the committee’s average IQ level above 25 for the first time since Republicans won the House in the 2010 election.

House Speaker John Boehner, who appointed Bachmann to the committee, said it would be difficult to find a replacement of her caliber among Republicans should they hold the House in 2014.

Greatfully, she tossed in the towel. She could have thrown her hat in the ring for a fifth time.


McCarthy Arisen.

Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA), chairman of the House Oversight Committee, has been accused of being the resurrected McCarthy. No, not Joe. Charlie.

Yes, that’s right. Charlie McCarthy, beloved wooden headed puppet and best of pal of Edgar Bergen, ventriloquist and father of Candice.

The similarities between the congressman and McCarthy end, however, at puppet and wooden headed.


Charlie, you see, had some class. Issa is a boar.

Charlie treated people with dignity. Issa is a rude politico guided only by unquenchable ambition.

Charlie was honest. Issa’s background may include criminal behavior.

Bergen, however, had another puppet character that may bear some resemblance to the Oversight Committee chairman. His name, Mortimer Snerd. Now there’s an Issa double if ever there was one.


One Comment to “The DC Folly Trolley – 06/02/13”

  1. Informative and amusing, as always!

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