Archive for November 10th, 2013

November 10, 2013

The DC Folly Trolley – 11/10/13

Hunger Builds Character.

Cafeteria workers in a Texas school threw a kid’s breakfast in the garbage because his food account was thirty cents in arrears. And now liberals are criticizing the workers who tossed the kid’s food because servers’ actions sent the 12-year old to class hungry.


The rich building character? Public assistance helped to reduce the rabid nature of Depression era poverty in the United States. A thought to ponder: Is the woman pictured responsible for the dire circumstances in which she and her children are forced to live? Or are they victims of a savage form of capitalism over which they have no control? Could extreme income inequality make the scene pictured above a commonplace in American culture? 

Hey, you can’t pay, you don’t eat, right? Besides, hunger builds character. That’s the American way.

The cafeteria workers behaved in a manner that prevents moral hazard from becoming a threat to our society. If they had given the kid breakfast, before you know it, he’d want to eat when he owed sixty cents. Some people will never learn.


Oh, waiter, get over here. I’ll take a 12 oz. lobster tail and an 8 oz. filet du boeuf, rare and thick. Be sure it’s thick. A Waldorf salad before the dinner. And my usual of Dom Perignon 2003. And be quick about it. I don’t have all day.”


And pick out the walnuts. I don’t want any walnuts!!!   (Original Phote:  World Economic ForumFlickrThe Global Financial Context: James Dimon).

“Those people will never learn.”

Now drink up, mon cherie. Remember we’re celebrating. My lawyer called earlier and said I just beat another rap. I pay a billion in tax deductible fines, with shareholder money of course, admit to no wrongdoing and I walk free and clear. Again.

“Where is our Waldorf!!! That waiter just lost his tip. Those people will never learn.”


Sarah and Ted. Ted and Sarah.

Ted and Sarah have been paling around a lot lately. Getting downright chummy actually. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Surely there’s no hanky panky going on. After all, they are conservatives. Sarah and Ted. Ted and Sarah. A perfect Tea Party couple.

Hello. NSA. Can you clue us in on this relationship?


Speaking Of NSA.

Speaking of NSA, the snooper guys have developed a method for conducting long distance prostate exams. According to an anonymous source, the folks who work in the dungeons located at (redacted) can shove a remotely guided electronic beam up the ass of any world leader at a moments notice.  The beam is said to relay medical information as well as intelligence data back to NSA headquarters in (redacted).

So if I were French King Francois Gerard Georges Nicolas Hollande XIV, I wouldn’t sweat the cell phone tap.

By the way, Francois, you’re in good health.


Francois Hollande, President of France, a man with a bug up his ass, courtesy NSA. (Orig. photo by Kyro).


Putzie Winner Proclaimed.

Pasta Fagioli, Italy.


Here’s is an exclusive report filed moments ago by UPW’s Super Senior International Affairs Correspondent Marcy Popindick. The Nobella Prize Committee declared multimillionaire televangelist Pat Robertson the winner of the MVP award in bigotry.

The award goes to Robertson because he really, really, really doesn’t like gay people or gay marriage or the entire LGBT freedom movement. When asked how he felt about gays, Robertson replied, “Yuckie.”

According to notorious gay hater Niall Ferguson, the TV preacher’s statement will go down in the history of Letters for its pithiness and brilliance in summarizing the feelings of bigots the world over.

Robertson is also noted for wanting to place a vomit button on his Facebook page to ward off the bad spirits proclaiming gay equality in marriage and employment.

In view of Robertson’s consistent expressions of antipathy toward gays, the Nobella Committee is proud to present the televangelist with the Most Valuable Putz award.


Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize.

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar which is engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the coveted statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.  

Pat Robertson Named ‘Bigot Of The Year’ At Stonewall Awards


Ode To A Jester.

There once was a jester named Lester
Who wanted a stringent sequester.
The name of the game
For Lester was fame.
Which he earned as he spoke till he’d fester.
The jester may well be named Cruz.
In the Senate he lit up a fuse.
His name he’d defame
But to him all the same.
He showed himself hardly a muse.

Lester the Jester lit the fuse of Ted Cruz


He conducted a long filibuster.
The Tea Party ’round him would cluster.
With the toss of the dice.
He could name a high price.
As votes from the right he could muster.


A Day To Remember.

The Sardo Institute of Superfluous Holidays located in Pasta Fagioli, Italy has proclaimed Sunday November 10, 2013 World Schmuck Day.

Dedicated to the proposition that every schmuck should have his day, The Sardo Institute is celebrating by inviting Poet Laureate Emeritus Summa Cumma Louder Mangiapasta Bacciagalupe to join the festivities and regale the honorees with a poem. Here is the professor’s contribution to World Schmuck Day.

There once was a schmuck had a duck.
The duck wouldn’t quack it would cluck.
He went to a vet
Who wanted to get
The duck with the schmuck to upchuck.
In his throat the duck got muck stuck.
It was simply a case of bad luck.
He ate from a pile
Then after awhile
The duck with the cluck ran amok.
Because the poor thing wouldn’t quack.
The schmuck locked the duck in a shack.
When free of his tethers
The duck pulled out his feathers.
And was ready to stew for a snack.
The duck made a wonderful stew.
The schmuck ate it in haste with a brew.
Infected with staph
The duck had the last laugh
When the schmuck with the duck ate the stew he up threw.
The schmuck with the duck still had no clue
And the day that they met he soon came to rue.
For the duck was a mean and heartless gift.
From a woman who was uncontrollably miffed.
It came from his ex who’d turned into a shrew.

The moral of the story:  Once a schmuck, always a schmuck.