North Pole, December 29, 2013.
Santa’s Toyland Workshop was acquired in a hostile takeover today by Bain Capital Management.
The equity group quickly created a new entity and named it Toyland Import Group, Inc.
Executives appointed to manage the corporation formed by the takeover immediately fired more than 2000 Santa’s helpers before filing for bankruptcy.
Santa sent packing; evicted from Toyland after hostile takeover.
Attorneys for the new corporation claimed in bankruptcy papers filed in DC District Court that the salaries of overpaid workers were unsustainable given the heavy debt load transferred to the new company by Bain Capital to complete the takeover transaction.
An appeal filed by a group representing Santa’s helpers asked the Court to delay the proceedings until attorneys could present evidence of wrongdoing involving the takeover. The appeal was denied by the Court.
The Court also ruled that Toyland Import Group could eliminate both funded and unfunded pension obligations and use the money to pay down the loans acquired from Bain and Wall Street banks.
Attorneys for the company indicated that once relieved of the expenses of high salaried employees and the costs of pension obligations and bank loans, Toyland Import could emerge from bankruptcy and resume normal operations.
In a related story, Santa Claus was arrested, handcuffed, fined and given a thirty day jail sentence when he protested the Court’s ruling regarding a hostile takeover.
Santa was particularly angered by the Court’s decision in favor of Toyland Import Group agreeing that the new company should retain sole rights to Santa’s traditional red garments and that Mr. Claus must surrender his claim to the garments and forswear wearing the uniform in the future.
Mrs. Claus was also enjoined to give up wearing all of her traditional garments.
As the Court read its decision, Santa was heard to exclaim “That’s bullshit!” It was then that the judge issued his contempt sentence.
Attorneys for Mr. Claus appealed the decision and Santa was released from prison pending the appeal.
Toyland Import Sold.
In a story still developing, Bain Capital Management announced today that it has sold its remaining interest in Toyland Import Group to a consortium of wealthy investors.
The price of the transaction was not immediately revealed but sources believe it to be above $6 billion dollars.
Another source told UPW Super Senior Legal Correspondent Marcy Popindick that Bain Capital acquired the company on borrowings of $3 billion and, after a series of management decisions that reduced expenses, sold its interest at the higher price thereby realizing a profit of at least $6 billion after the transfer of loans to the new entity.
Most of the money loaned to Bain Capital by Wall Street banks and transferred to Toyland Imports was paid to executives who engineered the hostile takeover and who managed the company prior to its sale to the investment group.
Bank loans were repaid with funds obtained by reducing salary expenses and assets realized after eliminating pension obligations.
The reorganization of Santa’s Toyland Workshop into Toyland Imports enhanced the value of the new company by several billion dollars according to the source. However a liquidity shortfall forced the sale to the investment consortium.
Get Out and Stay Out.
Multimillionaire John Hagee implored atheists to take a Walkman and “stuff it in your ears or just leave the country.”
Sources close to the owner of Cornerstone Church and CEO of Global Evangelism Television said the rich evangelist has detested the movement of atheists to erase Christ from Christmas for many years and finally made his feelings known when he bellowed during a sermon that “this country was not built by atheists for atheists…We don’t want you and we won’t miss you”. So there.
(Original photo: Christians United for Israel).
Hagee is also the pastor of the Christian church.
Who? Sarah Palin. That’s Who.
Some of her best friends are, ya know, gay.
So saith the longest lady in waiting since, maybe, Hillary Clinton.
Still keeping her face in the news still hoping to be president, former Alaska governor and former vice presidential candidate and former beauty contest winner Sarah Palin defended the foolish words of the guy from Duck Dynasty, a millionaire named Phil Robertson, even though she said she didn’t read what he said.
This is what he said…. Oh, fuggetaboutit. Everybody knows what he said and anyways he’s back on television after his suspension was suspended by A&E.
Such a fuss. All A&E had to do was issue a disclaimer disclaiming the comments by claiming that the comments do not represent the views of A&E, its management or its cleaning people.
But then that wouldn’t have gotten all the publicity the comments got and the show’s ratings would have been stuck in the astronomical figures its now enjoying and the ratings wouldn’t have been boosted to yet another record breaking level.
So here’s a thought. Was the whole episode orchestrated for publicity purposes? Was GQ exploited as a ratings guinea pig?
Who can tell? But such are the workings of the minds of TV management geniuses that diabolical plots are not solely the dwellers of TV murder mysteries. “Say, Phil, here’s an idea. How ’bout you have an interview with GQ magazine and you say something really nasty about….
Oh yeah. Right. Back to whatshername.
Struttin’ her stuff.
She said what he said was okay. I mean, like, we all have First Amendment rights. Right? I mean like yelling fire in a crowded theater and starting a deadly stampede. Right?
Anyways, if she said what he said was a right and what she said is right, she could be nominated for president on the Republican party ticket. Right?
I mean, like, stranger things have happened. Look at Mitt Romney.
I’m A Liberal.
“If by a ‘Liberal’ they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people – their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties – someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a ‘Liberal,’ then I’m proud to say I’m a ‘Liberal.'” John Fitzgerald Kennedy.
Does He? Or Doesn’t He?
Drink I mean, like alcoholic beverages.
Some say yes. Some say no.
Oh, okay, maybe a tinsy winsy bit of wine before breakfast. And a little after breakfast. And some during the morning hours and maybe just a touch before lunch and s’more after lunch and something a little harder during afternoon break and before dinner and after dinner and before bedtime and….
But not a drop more.
A spokesman for the Speaker said he doesn’t drink anymore.
A colleague was overheard to say: “He doesn’t drink any less.”
(Old Dean Martin joke. Sorry about that).
How can you tell when Paul Ryan is running for president?
When the Randian Repub representative from Wisconsin says he wants to help the poor and feed hungry people.
Yes, he will implement conservative ideas to eliminate poverty.
Aaaaah, compassionate conservatism. Just pull that old idea out of the dust bin of political history and put it in speeches, op-eds and repeat ad nauseum during TV appearances. Conservatives really do want to help the infirm, heal the sick, feed the hungry. Hmmmm. Where have we heard that bullshit before?
The compassionate conservative viper is about to raise its ugly head and strike once again. And why not? Works every time.
Such a nice boy.Paul Ryan is helping the poor By giving to them once more A GOP hosing By simply proposing A phony agenda for sure. . His Path To Prosperity bull Will surely keep rich pockets full. With deals he will ax From a rich man’s tax While wool over eyes he will pull. . The bull he’s still throwing at us. And no one is raising a fuss. With outlandish acclaim He achieves right wing fame With plans he won’t fully discuss.
A or B? The eternal question.
“A” is the only way if you have a cat. A cat can unravel “B” but not “A”. He can scratch “A” to smithereens but he can’t unravel it. Use the former and your frustrated feline will be saying: “Oh shit, “A” again.”
Real Trouble At The North Pole.
Santa’s factory is troubled at the North Pole.
A new economic model at last has taken a toll.
The old fellow finally has the temerity to confess,
even in Red states his elves couldn’t make less.
No incentive, no merriment, an absence of wages,
slave labor has replaced good will for all of the ages.
As Santa is forlorn, and the elves are all broke,
he has been acquired by the brothers Koch.
They employ their economic model as the cruelest one,
and believe they can sell it as unions are done.
Santa is changing his route and what he delivers
in a way that should give most children shivers.
His sleigh piled with rubies, diamonds and gold,
there’s only a 1% delivery list this year,
loaded with real estate stolen not sold.
As it is sure to disappoint many a child and waif,
precautions will be taken to keep Santa safe.
As TV follows Santa’s trek through the skies,
war planes will escort him wherever he flies.
NORAD has said that it will do just that,
blasting away any nasty revenge seeking 99% brat.
Indeed, the teary-eyed tykes will hear as he flies out of sight:
“A miserly Christmas to most, alas, we’re blitzin’ far right.”
VAN TOBIN FOR BUZZFLASH AT TRUTHOUT