Papal Missive Misfires.
According to the latest reports emanating from the Vatican resort Castel Gandolfo, an ecclesiastical letter issued by Pope Francis in which he declares that “all religions are created equal”, is not a forgery as previously believed.
St. Peter’s Square, Vatican City, where thousands often gather to receive the blessing of the Pope. (Photo courtesy Staselnik).
In the letter, the Pontiff also stated that the story of Adam and Eve is a myth and the idea of Hell a metaphor.
The words of Francis have been doubted by many Catholics. However, according to a papal nuncio attending the conference of Church hierarchy at which the letter was read, the statement is authentic. Also accurate are numerous reports of the document from various news sources despite errant references to a Third Vatican Council.
Criticism from Catholic groups, including many wealthy donors, has quickly reached an unexpected crescendo. Many devout adherents of the faith are demanding that the Pope retract his words.
Reports are now filtering through to numerous news organizations from an anonymous source believed to be affiliated with L’Observatore Romano, the Vatican equivalent of the NSA, that once the Pope realized the inflammatory nature of his statement and read the accompanying denunciations it had elicited, he concluded that his position as Vicar of Christ had been compromised and he promptly excommunicated himself.
Cardinals throughout the world are at this very moment being called into an emergency conclave to elect a new pope.
In a peroration to the weeping faithful slowly gathering in St. Peter’s Square, Francis ended his short resignation speech with the words: “La dolce vita e finita.”
Committee Announces Award.
Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Jan. 25, 2014.
The Nobella Prize Committee announced from its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy that it had awarded it latest MVP Prize to former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabbee for his beliefs that Democrats are “telling women they cannot control their libido.”
In a speech during lunch before a Republican Convention, Huckabbeee claimed that Democrats had become a sugar daddy to women who gained contraceptive prescription coverage through Obamacare.
The road to the White House is filled with bumps. Huckabee adds a few of his own in a speech before a gathering of influential Republicans.
Democrats, he said, want women to think they’re helpless unless Uncle Sugar provided free birth control because they can’t control their libido without government help.
A member for the committee, who spoke under conditions of anonymity, said he had no problem with women whose libidos were out of control, he just regrets he never met one.
Anyways, for his libidinous statement, Mike Huckabebee was awarded the Most Valuable Putz Prize.
Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize.
These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar which is engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the coveted statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.
The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.
Conservative Defends MVP Award.
Conservative CNN Crossfire co-host S.E Cupp claimed to be shocked by the reaction to former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee’s statement declaring that Democrats authorized free birth control prescriptions through Obamacare because women can’t control their libidos.
Referring to criticism of the former governor, Cupp said she had never seen “a lazier, more intellectually dishonest analysis..” Huckabee, she continued, was referring to an attitude on the part of Democrats and not to his own beliefs, an interpretation which many pundits ascribed to the remarks.
By nature of her defense of his luncheon speech, Cupp would most certainly agree that Huckabee is a deserving winner of the Nobella MVP award.
Obama Gains Among Fundie Christians.
President Barack Obama has been improving his position among fundamentalist Christians.
Yesterday he was the anti-Christ; today he’s merely paving the way for the devilish dervish. For Christians in the know, that change in position represents a huge gain for the president among the Fundies.
Robert Jeffress, fundamentalist pastor of an 11,000 member Baptist church, appeared on Bill O’Reilly’s reality show The O’reilly Factor to sell his new book, Perfect Ending. In which he writes that through implementation of Obama’s policies, people are being conditioned to accept governmental overreach, a condition necessary for the coming of a global world leader, that is, the anti-Christ.
Lucky for Obama he’s no longer considered to be the guy in the painting. (Satan as the anti-Christ by an unknown artist).
Jeffress based his conclusions on the Affordable Care Act and the president’s embrace of abortion and related these policies to the coming of the Apocalypse predicted in the Book of Daniel and Revelation.
Well, the end of the world may lie somewhere in the not too distant future. But the Apocalypse probably has more to do with global warming than biblical forecasts.
In either case, Obama must be greatly relieved that he won’t be the doer of that evil deed.
New Logo For Bayer.
In keeping with a statement by company CEO Marijn Dekkers that Bayer produces drugs only for those who can pay up, the pharmaceutical giant introduced a new logo.
The new logo was designed by an advertising firm in New York at a cost of $7,000,000.00.
According to a spokesperson, the company must limit distribution to wealthy nations in order to earn the huge profits on its investments demanded by stockholders. Consisting largely of the !%, investors insist on perpetually increasing annual dividends or they’ll threaten to take their money elsewhere.
The spokesperson continued that the company’s hands are tied in this matter even though it means signing the death warrants of tens of thousands of victims of a deadly form of cancer.
Bayer is charging nearly $70,000.00 a year for the medication which is used to treat liver and kidney malignancies.
The attitude of pharmaceutical giants like Bayer proves once again that the 1% put profit above human life and dignity.
A court in India recently granted a license to produce a generic form of the drug that will cost about $180.00.
Bayer intends to fight the decision to the death – of tens of thousands of helpless victims.
A Bright Star.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren, (D-MA), a bright star in an otherwise dim constellation of Democratic hopefuls for the party’s presidential nomination, spoke to a gathering in St. Peter’s Church in Manhattan recently.
She was joined by New York State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman who spoke at length about the need for campaign finance reform.
Schneiderman has also been at odds with right wing New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, a self-proclaimed Democrat, over how to divide $613 million in fines paid by JPMorgan Chase in restitution for its mortgage derivatives caper.
Income inequality was also addressed by the speakers which did not include the conservative governor who, it was noted, did not mention in his State of the State report the huge income disparity that has beset the nation’s economy for decades.
Right wing NY Democratic Governor Andrew Cuomo got his nose bent out of shape by a gathering of rising liberals at St. Peter’s Church in NYC. The group of speakers, by largely remaining silent on the governor’s policies, obliquely criticized his agenda.
Cuomo is a pillar of the right wing establishment of the Democratic Party whose agenda includes lowering taxes for the wealthy and austerity inducing balanced budgets.