The DC Folly Trolley – 02/02/14

Women Warned Against Tight Fitting Clothing.

That’s right ladies, throw out those tight-fitting dresses, skirts, shirts and designer jeans.

‘Cause if you wear ’em, you ain’t gonna go to heaven.

Doesn’t matter if weight gain caused the tightness. Your evil ways will surely condemn your immortal soul to the everlasting fires of Hell.

SEXY GIRL

A debate is now raging in the inner circles of fundamentalist Christian groups: Is the above garb considered too tight?  We expect the entire issue to sort out in a century or two.  In the meantime, bless you, my child, bless you.

You think your husband is a pain in the ass. Wait ’til you meet Satan. He’s no pussycat either and he sportin’ a torch with your name on it.

But have no fear, those of you of modest attire.  For I say unto you, fear of the flames of perdition will surely save the faithful from the fiery abode of the dead and turn true believers from their sinful ways.  Abide by Christian dress codes and yea verily will you be saved.

 Praise the Lord.

Anyways, that’s what this pastor who owns a Baptist church with a congregation of 11,000 devout adherents believes.

Praise the Lord.

Pastor Paul Washer, founder of HeartCry Missionary Society, admonishes women to get rid of that tight-fitting sweater, throw away the tank tops, and the blasphemous bathing suit, burn your breeches and get thou some holy clothes.

Praise the Lord.

Yes, modesty must prevail for women in all matters of apparel.  That is exactly how his wife dresses. No sexy attire in her wardrobe.

Praise the Lord.

There’s a big however here however. Many noticed that Pastor Paul’s sermonizing about modest clothing for women doesn’t include a single word regarding nudity. So, I guess, ladies you can get naked as much as you want.

Praise the Lord.

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/01/28
/virginia-pastor-women-are-sinners-if-
clothes-outline-body-to-make-it-noticed/

Asked for her opinion of the pastor’s pulpit pounding sermonizing, here’s one young lady’s response:

 

middle finger

***

The Devil’s Playground.

Need an exorcism.

Well, you’re in luck.

Reverend Bob Larsen is offering a special this week and this week only.

Yes, for the unbelievably low, low price of only $295, Pastor Bob will cast out the demon from your body, your heart and your mind. And for an additional $95, he will expel Satan from your soul; and send him cascading straight down to Hell (or maybe into someone else’s body, who knows).

Better hurry though! When this price goes away, it won’t come back.

breaking

Word has just come in from a quiet little village in the Italian Alps that a member of the faculty of the Sardo Institute of the Religious Paranormal is offering yet another exorcism bargain.

Not to be outdone by Pastor Bob’s special sale, Monsignor Mangiapasta Bacciagalupe, DD, PhD, LLD, MD, INC and Pastor of the Church of the Blessed Toe located in the Pasta Fagioli, Italy is offering a twofer.

Yes, that’s right. For the unbelievably low price of only $249.95, you will receive one exorcism guaranteed to cure your devilish demeanor and a second exorcism for the person of your choice absolutely free.

That’s two exorcisms for the price of one.

Monsignor Bacciagalupe’s world-renowned secret method of metatarsal manipulation combined with ancient incantations composed by a medieval monk who possessed the wooden block to which the feet of Our Lord and Savior were nailed is guaranteed to remove all vestiges of demonic possession or your money back.

But you must act now! This special offer is for a limited time only.

Send your donation of $249.95 for your two individually tailored exorcisms to:

The Church of the Blessed Toe
C/O The Sardo Institutue of the Religious Paranormal
PO Box 666
Pasta Fagioli, Italy 55555 5555

Cash Only Please.

Donations are tax-deductible. Airfare and hotel accommodations not included.

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/01/29/
arizona-pastor-offering-tax-deductible
exorcisms-over-skype-for-295-each/

***

Students Warned Against Masturbation.

A short documentary produced by BYU and narrated by its president has warned students against masturbating too much.

That raises a question. How much is too much? Once a day, twice a day?

The mini-movie directs its message to males addicted to pornography who masturbate due to their viewing habits .

It also encourages fellow students who don’t masturbate (too much) and who are not addicted to porn to come to the aid of their porn-addicted brethren.

The film says nothing about female masturbation, however, an activity which exists along with the male variety.

There are solutions to the problem of excessive masturbation, of course, both male and female.

Here’s one problem solver. Have authorities thought about encouraging oral sex? It used to be that’s what the back seat of cars were made for. Now they make coed dormitories for that sort of thing.

I have a feeling it will be a long time before school officials embrace the idea of students going down on each other – even if the student’s attitudes about sex are advanced well beyond those of their elders.

Watch the short film if you like.

Warning: No explicit sex.

***

Short A Training Mission.

Former Navy Seal and Tea Party baby doll Ryan Zinke is running for Congress from the great oil state of Montana.

The Big Sky Country Republican drew a huge standing room only crowd of thirty right-wing extremists to his fund-raiser in Big Fork.

Although there are many more extremists in Big Fork, population 4270, not counting roaming buffalo, the candidate blamed the huge turn out on his staff who, a member claimed, couldn’t find Big Fork on a GPS.

Anyways, Zinke anointed potential Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton the new “anti-Christ,” calling her “the real enemy” and stripping President Obama of the title even before his term ends.

The GOP hopeful also railed against big government to the delight of the wildly cheering throng.

Making a veiled reference to overthrowing the government by invoking Second Amendment rights, Zinke shouted: “Who trusts the U.S. No one in this room….In the military the last option is to send in the Seals.”

At the end of the meeting the candidate handed out 50 caliber ammunition to the men who sponsored the event.

Zinke’s fundraising success and his appeal to religious zealots, gun rights advocates and anti-government enthusiasts suggests Montana may send in the clowns rather than the Seals.

I guess one more clown in Follyland won’t matter much. But the current candidate is definitely short a training mission.

clown 1

One more clown in the House won’t matter a bit.

http://www.politicususa.com/2014/01/31/
gop-candidate-calls-hillary-anti-christ-
passes-bullets-event.html

***

Don’t Go Near The Water.

If you live in West Virginia anyway.

A company hypocritically named Freedom Industries has been accused of dumping 10,000 gallons of a deadly chemical into the Elk River.

That spill poisoned the drinking and bathing water of some 300,000 residents who lived in the vicinity of the mishap.

The chemical 4-methylcyclohexanemethanol for short, has been known to cause cancer in living organism and also people.

But I’m not talking about just the first spill. You’ve already heard about that one.

tank trio

Leak? What leak? I don’t see any leak!

I’m speaking of the second spill.

The incident occurred when a contractor rammed an underground pipeline with an excavator, bursting it and unleashing more of that chemical I mentioned above, sending it gushing to the surface.

Not to worry though. A containment area constructed to trap the spill prevented the chemical from reaching the river.

If you’re concerned about Freedom Industries, you can put your mind to rest. They’ve been operating in the red for more than a decade and have finally given up the ghost. Officials announced that the company has declared bankruptcy and will let a court sort out its affairs.

The persons responsible for the spill will admit to no wrongdoing and the company will probably escape without paying so much as a small fine let alone restitution for the damage it caused.

As for the residents who suffered the inconvenience of going without potable water for weeks: Tough shit.

Only in America.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/26/
freedom-industries-bankruptcy_n_4662073.html

.

A fellow was making a scene
About water containing benzene
It came from Elk River
Polluted his liver
And turned his poor spleen a blue-green.

***

Limerick Lunacy.

 A man was, alas, in the red
Spent his money on gals till he bled.
When at last he went broke
They said: “Sorry old bloke.
You’ll be cold and alone ‘neath the spread.
.
A woman who always wore red
Slinky nightgowns when going to bed.
Looked for all of the part
A sweet little tart
Which made hubby go heels over head.
.
A gal who was very well-read
For a while played a blockhead instead.
She soon found a dumb beau
Who knew not Thoreau.
But had heard that Shakespeare was long dead.
.
A fellow who liked to be seen
In a mirror would primp, fuss and preen.
To the ladies shocked sight.
His hair was a fright.
He looked like Marie the French queen.
.
A woman was making the scene
In a sailor’s bawdy canteen.
She worked up a big thirst
Then said who’ll be the first
To buy me a drink, I’m eighteen.
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