Archive for March, 2014

March 30, 2014

The DC Folly Trolley – 03/30/14.

Known Knowns From Chimpland.

Donald Rumsfeld, the unknown unknown from the Bush regime, believes a trained ape could perform better at executing foreign policy vis a vis Russia’s Vladimir Putin than the Obama Administration. And Rummy knows whereof he speaks. The Bush Administration, of which Rumsfeld was Secretary of Defense, appointed trained monkeys to vital leadership positions.

Funny thing. Those chimps proved a dismal failure, so much so that their policies and decisions are adversely impacting life in the United States and around the world five years after the failed administration past into the twilight of history.

rumsfeld

And so it is clear, Rumsfeld doesn’t know the difference between success and failure-or chimps and apes for that matter.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/25/

***

ACA Foils GOP Attempts To Deflate It.

The Affordable Care Act provides coverage for penis pumps. Yes, really.  It does.  As the saying goes, any port in a storm, even if its just the inside of a pump.  And now it’s insured.  

Well, that’s a relief.  Especially for men who can’t take Viagra for health reasons. 

The science behind the device is seemingly foolproof, such being that by creating a vacuum blood will rush to the vessels of the limp organ and inflate it to the point where it will penetrate a, ya know, a woman’s thing.  

Sorta the opposite of a blow job.

Not covered by the way, 

penis pump

They’ve been around for a while. Now they’re covered by insurance.

http://www.politifact.com/punditfact/statements/2014/mar/24/

***

Prize Surprise.

Pasta Fagioli, Italy.

March 30, 2014

In a surprise news release a short time ago, The Nobella Prize Committee announced the winner of its most recent MVP award.

State Sen. Richard Ross (R-MA) is the latest Republican to receive the prestigious prize. Ross won for his proposal to require women undergoing a divorce procedure to have a note from a judge before engaging in sexual relations.

The woman in question must present the note to her partner or partners before taking off her clothes as proof that she could be lawfully screwed any time day or night.

A note from her mommy was not required by the proposed legislation.

And so for his dimmed vision and blurred foresight in attempting to curtail a woman’s sexual freedom, the committee bestowed its Most Valuable Putz Award on the hapless state senator from Massachusetts.

In the presentation ceremony, the spokesman for the committee also praised Ross for capturing the Asshole Of The Day Award granted by the website assholeoftheday.us.

.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize.

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar which is engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the coveted statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.

http://assholeoftheday.us/post/80394817314/

***

Limerick Lunacy.

While shopping for fantasy wear
Claire’s mind was caught in a snare.
Costly clothes were all lewd
She looked good in the nude.
So the guys better like her bare pair.

breast

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
.
She would never buy ready to wear.
In hot embrace they’d easily tear.
Though nude might be crude
She didn’t need mood
And Claire’s dude was ready for bear.
bear
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
My wife disappeared-don’t know where
She went shopping to buy sexy wear
She got lost in a mall
A cavernous sprawl.
Missing Persons gave up in despair.
 
.
.  
 
A woman appeared unaware
Of a guy who sat in a chair
He sat down beside her
She thought woe betide her
And agreed to a secret affair.
 
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March 20, 2014

The DC Folly Trolley – 03/23/14

Anything For A Buck. Or Billion.

Moscow 20 Mar 2014.

A report from the Kremlin today claims that Vladimir Putin offered to cede Crimea to ExxonMobil in exchange for a five year appointment as CEO of the giant global oil and gas conglomerate.

A spokesperson for the Soviet premier, as Putin prefers to be addressed in private, said if the Russian president can swing this deal, he would be set for life.

putin

Russian President Vlad Putin is all smiles, really liking what he’s hearing.(attribution http://www.kremlin.ru.)

Being president of the former Soviet republic pays peanuts, according to the statement.

In a related report, ousted Ukrainian President Victor Yanokovich purportedly said he would support the pact if Putin proferred a piece of the pie.

A Kremlin staff member, who spoke under conditions of strict anonymity, said that the former Ukrainian president offered to kick in a portion of eastern Ukraine if Putin would sweeten the deal a little.

Observers believe Putin would have to offer a significant piece of the action if he hoped to gain the support of Yanokovich.

Staff members of the two leaders have arranged an urgent meeting in an attempt to hammer out an agreement that would satisfy both parties.

***

The Geniuses Fumble.

NSA Headquarters, Fort Meade, Md. 20 March 2014.

UPW press is reporting that a young girl, who would identify herself only as Alice, claims to know the whereabouts of the missing Malaysian Flight 390.

Analysts from the NTSB referred the claim to the FAA which immediately turned it over to the NSA whose agents are said to be gathering with CIA operatives in a hastily called meeting to evaluate the girl’s assertion.

However, a spokesman for the NSA revealed that the location of the lost Boeing 777, given by the girl as Wonderland, does not appear on any of the agency’s GPS devices.

The spokesman continued that NSA scientists would not rule out the possibility that the plane might have landed at a heretofore undiscovered region of the globe, one that is not programmed into GPS satellites. NSA experts are at this very moment in a meeting with CIA agents who are analyzing personal data hastily collected about the girl known only as Alice.

NSA scientists are cooperating with military authorities who are redirecting satellite emissions to the area where Wonderland is believed to be located.

Authorities admit however that they are still stumped about the whereabouts of the missing plane.

nsa

NSA headquarters. Think they’re not serious about their stuff.

***

A Slave Is A Slave.  Even in AZ.

Some guy named Jim Brown, whose a candidate for Congress from Arizona, said slavery wasn’t so bad.

In fact, he even likes it.

Brown is a slave to payola from guys who are richer than he is and as long as the candidate continues to suck up to rich folks he stands a chance to win the primary election and maybe go to Congress where he can suck up some more.

And get some more money.

And all he has to do is vote the way he’s told to and his owners will take good care of him.

See, being a slave ain’t so bad.

According to reports from the Brown camp, being an asshole ain’t bad either. And the candidate likes that even better. ‘Cause if you’re a Republican, that’s about the only way you can win an election these days.

Look for Brown to nose his way into Congress come November.

brown

Not to worry. He’s already apologized. Now that everybody knows where he stands. (Jim Brown Facebook via The Root).

_republican_compares_government_spending_to_slavery.html

***

Cruelest Sanctions Imposed.

In keeping with President Barack Obama’s imposition of sanctions on Russia, Secretary of State John Kerry announced today that the US has halted all shipments of M&Ms to the former Soviet bloc nation.

In a top secret meeting, CIA agents revealed to Obama that M&Ms are the Russian presidents favorite candy.

The agents reported that Putin’s craving for the coated chocolate confection that melts in your mouth and not in your hands has reached addiction levels.

According to reports emanating from the Kremlin, Putin raged to his staff for hours over the cruel imposition of the candy ban.

An anonymous White House source revealed the details of an emergency phone conversation between Putin and Obama during which the Russian chief of state threatened “serious consequences” if Obama persisted in his banning of the Mars product.

The Russian chief also stated that negotiations would be ruled out under the conditions imposed by the US and that only by removing the candy ban can talks ever take place.

Obama seemed to relent by offering to permit the chocolate coated peanut variety to slip through the sanctions but Putin could not be mollified.

According to NSA intercepts of conversations between Putin and his wife, he hates the peanut kind because they stick in his teeth.

putin

Vladimir Putin suffering from a painful peanut particle stuck in his gums. (attribution http://www.kremlin.ru.)

As of late this afternoon, the two sides have failed to reach an accord.

***

More Trouble For Christie.

As NJ Gov. Chris Christie becomes more deeply imbroiled in the trafficgate affair, staff members are concocting stories in hopes of finding just the right one that voters can believe in.

Here are some of the suggestions from Christie’s staff.

The governor:

never heard of the GWB.

thought Fort Lee was an army installation located on the US-Canadian border.

thought George W. Bush got stuck in a traffic jam and laughed his ass off.

believed Fort Lee was an French colonial base attacked by the Mohicans in 1753.

sea monsters

At last report, the governor is considering all suggestions.

***

Border Changes In 1000 Years.  See Animation.

http://loiter.co/v/watch-as-1000years-of-european-boarders-change/

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March 16, 2014

The DC Folly Trolley – 03/16/14

One For The Ages.

Talk about a flaming hypocrite….

Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) revealed that the CIA is spying on her. And she’s mad. Yes. Really, really mad.

dianne

Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) is all smiles after the announcement that she is a finalist in the running for the Hypocrite of the Year Award.

The agency locked on to unspecified communications of the Chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee and its members in violation of the committee’s oversight role and maybe even the Constitution, like in the separation of powers convention provided in that document.

The matter involved something called the Panetta Review, a report by the former CIA director concerning the torture of prisoners conducted by the agency’s agents.

Oh, how the lady doth take umbrage.

She took to the Senate floor and huffed and puffed her way to the award of Hypocrite of the Year.

Feinstein, you’ll recall, was a strident defender of the NSA’s right to spy on you. After all, how could your government’s Department of Homeland Security know what you were up to if if didn’t intercept your private communications.

As Jon Stewart said of Feinstein’s outrageous rant “our stuff is shit, but her shit is stuff.”

Let’s hope there’s some really hot stuff yet to be revealed. Wouldn’t that be fun.

And then there’s Lindsey Graham, (R-SC) sticking his nose in everywhere he possibly can ’cause he’s up for reelection this year and really needs the media coverage.

So Lindsay says “This is Richard Nixon stuff.”

graham

Lindsay Graham (R-SC), is a reelection shoe-in but still seeks all the media face time he can get.

Can’t argue with that assessment.

The only advice for Lindsey is that it was always Richard Nixon stuff. Even way back, when you were defending the right of the NSA to spy on us.

./cia-spying-congress_n_4945584.html

 .

Feinstein says don’t spy on me
So goes the lady’s perverse decree.
It’s only okay to spy on you.
Need to know what you’re up to.
But spying on me, that’s a felony.

***

Simple Simon Says….

President Obama said that inequality is hurting the middle class.

President Obama said the minimum wage is too low.

President Obama said that insurance for the long term unemployed should be extended.

Ho-hum. So what else is new?

Let’s come clean here. For him it’s just a game. It’s an election year and the voter says “do this.”

But don’t actually do it. Heaven forbid.

No. It’s just time to dust off the old hope and change thingy. More words, more speeches. Think nothing of it.

barryreverse

You gotta admit, though, no politico in Follyland can say it better.

But now it’s back to business as usual.

The guy is all “hopey” with no “changey.”

.

Below is a short film, som five minutes, about faith betrayed – the faith so many of us placed in the betrayer-in-chief.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIMnIh10po0

.

Obama’s a son of a gun
Preaching hope in the president’s run.
He told many lies
Now to no one’s surprise
The hope was a tall tale he’d spun.

***

From Socialism To Profit.

If you think you’re included in the profit portion of the rush to privatize everything under the sun, you are badly mistaken.

The move to profitize public school systems across the land has absolutely nothing to do with improving the quality of education or including you in the scam to cheat taxpayers out of even more of our hard earned dollars.

Just look at whose leading the movement to profitize and you’ll understand the sneaky motive behind the scam to run off with the cash. It’s the millionaires and billionaires. And they are going to make a killing destroying one of the great accomplishment of Western civilization.

And why shouldn’t they?

Now that Democrats have betrayed the legacy of their party, nothing can stop the movement to profitize everything – including a great success story:  the schools we all went to.

Yes. You read that right. The American system of education is the most successful program ever.

Let’s take a brief look at what it’s accomplished.

It has won more Nobel Prizes than any on Earth.

It is responsible for the greatest technological advances in history.

It put a man on the moon.

It established the greatest public university system in all the world, bar none.

It graduated more men and women from it’s public universities than any nation before or since.

It is responsible for creating the largest and greatest middle class in history.

In virtually every endeavor, the American system of education can boast unparalleled success. The accomplishments in science, technology and the arts are truly astonishing.

So why change something that isn’t broken?

Money, that’s why. Greed, that’s why. Maximum profit for the 1%, that’s why.

And who supports this caper to destroy one of the greatest accomplishments in world history?

Barack Hussein Obama. That’s who.

An apostle of the worst president in American history – that being Ronald Reagan – Obama and the cohorts he appointed are leading the drive to profitize.

One of Obama’s chief profitizing enablers is Arne Duncan, the Secretary of Education. The Ed. Department head has been an advocate of profit charter schools since his early days as CEO of Chicaco Public Schools.

Duncan is also an avid pusher of standardized testing as a means to determine the success of public schools. His Race To The Top and Common Core programs are designed to judge accomplishment by test.

Critics of the Common Core and the Bush era No Child Left Behind claim that the tests are rigged to ensure under-achievement and promote the profit charter school agenda.

Another of Obama’s profit at any cost enablers is Rahm Emanuel, now the chief profitizer of Chicago. Emanuel is closing public schools and attacking teachers and their unions in a brazen move to upend public education and gift it to charter school businessmen.

Are the achievements of public education in America an accomplishment of socialism?

Of course they are. Schools in the United States have always been a function of local and state governments with an assist at the Federal level. And as we’ve noted the story is one of unmatched success.

pub ed

Public education – still on top, still soaring-despite every effort by profit mad money to kill it off.

Are there problems in the system?

Of course. There are indeed pockets of failure.

But can anyone name any area of human endeavor where there are not problems?

***

Where There’s A Buck To Be Made…

you will always find a Republican.

Would you like some profit with that cup of tea?

Well, join the Tea Party.

Here’s a comment by a Tea Party money grubber concerning socialism and public schools via from The Raw Story.

So how do we approve our education system….The only long-run solution is to move to a more privatized system.”

He meant “profitized” of course.

Now there’s an ambitious pol if ever there was one. You gotta give him credit though. He knows exactly who to suck up to. If he wants his political career to take off he needs to bend over for the big money.

capitol

The Capitol of the United States. There’s a government in there somewhere. A crooked one, to be sure.

But, then, who in politics doesn’t.

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/03/14/ohio-republican

***

Criminal Accuses Others.

Not a criminal only because he got away with criminal behavior, but his past doesn’t prevent him from trying to pin such behavior on others.

The guy is still harping on dead horses desperately trying to resurrect them perhaps in some perverse need to erase his past by accusing others of his own behavior pattern.

The dead horses Issa keeps in his stable are Benghaze and the bogus from the start IRS “scandel.”

This week Issa once again revealed his crude, boorish self by angrily cutting off the microphone of a fellow congressman.

The person whose voice the rude “gangsta” slashed was a Democrat. Naturally.

The victim, Elijah Cummings of Maryland swiftly rallied fellow Dems to his side and, astonishingly, they reacted.

Insisting on a formal reprimand as punishment for Issa’s crass treatment of the Maryland representative, the Dems called for condemnation for breaking the House code of conduct.

And just why is that reaction astonishing?

Because Dems are noted for sitting around with their thumbs up their asses whenever a member of the opposing party insults one of their own.

http://aattp.org/amazing-watch-house-democrats-collectively-

.

And here’s a summary of Issa’s bad ass days.

http://crooksandliars.com/karoli/martin-bashir-reminds-viewers-darrell-issas

***

It’s A Joke.

http://soleraessays.blogspot.com/2013/12/the-brothel.html

***

Some More Limerick Lunacy.

A fellow announced “we are done”
Playing games in the hay isn’t fun.
No need to be wed
Let’s jump into bed
But I’ll read you no poem by John Donne.”
.
A woman was feeling undone
When her beau said “you’re no longer fun.
We’re not in grade school
Let’s strip in the pool
And make love ‘neath the midnight sun.
 
pool1
.
A woman was feeling undone
When she stripped in the pool to have fun.
There was a cold breeze
So she started to sneeze
Saying “make it a really quick one.”
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March 9, 2014

The DC Folly Trolley – 03/09/14

NSA Bugs White House.

breaking

Documents leaked early yesterday reveal that the National Security Agency is intercepting White House communications.

Included in the leaked file was a transcript of a top secret conversation between President Barack Obama and Russian President Vladimir Putin.

According to the transcript the two heads of state had a personnel conversation that revealed the frustrations of each regarding recent developments.

Here is the leaked transcript in full.

Obie: Dobrie ootro my man, what’s happnin’ bro.

Pooty: Ну у меня было два красивых молодых женщин на на квартире прошлой ночью, и сказать вам правду я чувствую себя немного изношены.

Obie: What’s up with that roosky shit, man. You know I don’t dig that jive.

Pooty: Подождите, пока вы слышите это, мой человек. Эти две телки приехать и я просто получаю из душа, и они начинают сушки меня.

Вы все еще не понимаю по-русски?

Obie: I been practicin’. I been practicin’ But you guys got some funny shit alphabet over there. Now c’mon Pooty. Tell me about those two women you say your wit. You gotta be jivein’ me, man. Two, at the same time. C’mon’, my man.

Pooty: Нет, может человек. Это не джайв. Это правда. Два из них.

Блондин, голубые глаза, С чашки.

Obie: Blond, blue eyes, C-cup!!! Two of ’em. Aw, c’mon, bro. Now I know you’re jiving me.

Pooty: Нет, мой мужчина. Сначала я думал, что они были ЦРУ, но я попросил им nationaliy Екатерины Великой и когда они сказали, немецкий, я знал, что они были русскими. Выключите видеомагнитофон и слушать это.

Я дважды дозируется на Viagra.

Obie: Two. At the same time. No wonder you’re tired. Hey, have they got any sisters?

Pooty: Я спрошу. Не волнуйтесь. В следующий раз вы находитесь в городе я починю вас.

Obie: Oh, damn. In that case, I’ll send Biden. Pooty, listen up. Have I got a deal for you. I’ll give you Ukraine for two Afghanistans and an Iraq. You give me Libya and I’ll throw in Syria.

Pooty? Pooty? That’s all of Ukraine now. Not just Crimea, ya know. How’s that sound.

Hello, Pooty? Pooty,? Are you there?

Pooty? What’s goin’ on, my man? What’s happenin’, bro….

Pooty?

Must be a bad connection.

putin say cheese

Nyet, nyet. Cheese, Vlad, cheese. You know vat means cheese?  

(Phote:  Russian Presidential Press and Information Office).

 

 

***

Minority Leader Gives Rousing Speech.

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell tried to give a speech at the Conservative Political Action Committee. And he almost succeeded. As he read his words from a piece of paper the crowd burst into silence.

It could have been better. But, fortunately for McConnell, one of his aids thought of a warm up caper. To rile up the gun nuts among the right wingers, the corpse-faced senator first he had to get the gun nuts riled up.

Soooooo to get the gun nuts riled up, the Minority Leader carried a bogus rifle on stage after his introduction. The crowd went ballistic. Unfortunately for Mitch it was the last time the audience showed any emotion at all.

The rest of the performance fell flatter than a Denny’s pancake.

Here’s an example. Mitch said the president “treated the Constitution worse than a Denny’s placemat.” That is supposed to be an applause line. And a funny remark.

To be fair, a smattering of polite laughter did rise up from the floor to, well, somewhere below the rafters. Far below the rafters.

His next laugh line came after he accused the Democrats of being the party of too big to fail Wall Street banks as he accused the media of a Benghazi coverup for the benefit of Hillary Clinton uncampaign for the presidency.

Yes, again there was some embarrassed laughter for the hapless speaker.

Never however was there a threat that McConnell would bring down the house, even in super friendly CPAC territory.

mitch1

Still has that same ole shit eatin’ grin.

Oh, I almost forgot. The crowd applauded when the senator left the stage. Not a moment too soon.

Next year, aides vowed, McConnell would pack some real heat and fire live rounds into the crowd.

That should liven things up.

http://www.salon.com/2014/03/06/how_to_win_over_

conservatives_mitch_mcconnells_desperate_gun_gambit/

***

Alien Life Form Discovered In Canada.

Scientists have discovered evidence of the existence of an alien life form that lived millions of years ago on the surface of the Earth.

Fossils still being unearthed at a dig site on an island in the northern Canadian province of Nunavut include samples of frozen DNA and skeletal structures of nearly whole spinal cords and skulls.

The creatures, according to reports, possessed a type of DNA with a distinctly different pattern from any previously known varieties. The strands, called the double helix, contain unidentified chromosomes and a heretofore unknown nucleotide which has yet to be named.

Scientists are speculating that the alien life form may have come to Earth during the Cambrian explosion and, during that period, evolved into numerous related species, some of which assumed a bipedal or human-like configuration.

Carbon dating showed that the earliest forms unearthed to date lived in the Jurassic jungles as a fungus. They migrated north assuming an abundance of adapting shapes while surviving several mass extinctions during the migratory phases.

However, many samples unearthed at upper layers of the dig site indicated that the growth, while morphing, developed endoskeletons during the early Cenozoic era.

Bio-archaeologists suspect that creatures with nearly identical DNA to the earliest types discovered to date continue to roam the planet and appear in numerous shapes.

Comparing the find with DNA samples submitted by laboratories from around the world, the researchers concluded that the fungus is still among us.

Studying fossils from the dig, morphologists have been able to sketch a likeness of the alien life form’s facial features.

The most prominent characteristics are sharp angular details of the ears, nose and chin.

Archaeologists have determined from the study of the fossil record that the creature was ill-tempered and possessed an aggressive personality. Scarred and disfigured bone fragments reveal its tempestuous nature.

Here are some examples of what the fungus-like creature might look like:

COULTER

 RYAN VULCAN

***

From Rick Cooley’s Blog.

Good reads on important matters.

http://rcooley123.wordpress.com/2014/03/09/

more-of-the-same/

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March 2, 2014

The DC Folly Trolley – 03/02/14

Committee Presents Awards.

The Nobella Prize Committee announced its long-awaited list of whacked out nominees for the Most Valuable Putz award. The prize, symbolized by a statuette called The Putzie, is given to political or media wackos in categories for Best Republican Wactor in a Leading Role and Best Republican Wactress in a Leading Role.

putsie 1

The coveted statuette known throughout the world as The Putzie.

For Best Republican Wactor in a Leading Role the nominees are

Mitch McConnell for his role in Denying Veterans – about voting against an increase in benefits which includes a vote against a jobs program in 2012.

Dick Cheney for his role in Accusing the President – concerning a former vice president who criticizes President Obama for preferring to feed the hungry while reducing military troop levels. The plot involves a VP who said he would rather the president shoot the hungry and increase the number of troops.

Ted Cruz for his role in Shutting Down – about a scheme by a senator to shut down government and then blame his unscrupulous actions on President Obama.

Ted Nugent for his role in Smearing the President – about a washed up singer making outrageously racist remarks and with a penchant for hooking up with young girls.

Greg Abbott, current GOP candidate for governor of the semi-great state of Texas, for Wallowing – in the support from pedophile racist Ted Nugent.

Candidates who received honorable mention were John Boehner, Eric Cantor, Rick Perry, Darrell Issa, Bill Kristol. Sean Hannity, Rush Limboo, Jon Kyl, John McCain, Bob Corker Lindsey Graham , Orrin Hatch. Louie Gohmert, Lawrence Lockman, Steve Martin, Chris Christie, Paul Lepage, Bobby Jindal, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, etc., etc., etc.

For Best Republican Wactress in a Leading Role the nominees are,

Sarah Palin for her role in Sucking Up – about a washed up former VP candidate praising an extremist Ted Nugent and her support for Texas gubernatorial candidate Greg Abbott (Abbott was also nominated for Best Supporting Wactor in Sucking Up).

Ann Coulter for her eponymous role as Ann Coulter.

Michelle Bachmann for her role in Anti-Gay in Arizona – about a washed up politician encouraging Gov. Jan Brewer to sign anti-gay legislation in the Grand Canyon State.

Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley who stars as the governor of South Carolina in Unions Aren’t Welcome Here – about a Southern governor dissing labor unions and gay unions and all other unions not approved by the Union of Fundamentalist Christian Churches.

Jan Brewer for Sticking Her Finger – in the face of the President of the United States.

The names of the winners are kept in a waterproof lockbox located in a sunken pirate ship 150 feet below the surface of the Gulf of Mexico 10 miles east of the Yucatan Peninsula guarded by a detachment of the last remaining veterans of the invasion of Iwo Jima.

The winners of the Most Valuable Putz Award will be announced Sunday, March 3rd or 4th which ever comes first.

***

Help Wanted.

The Korean Free Trade Agreement (better known as 한국어 자유 무역 협정) has created a need for an experienced Orange Juice Salesman (오렌지 주스 세일즈맨).

Company exporting breakfast beverages to Asia is experiencing an increase in demand.

Qualified person must be familiar with pulp and non-pulp varieties and concentrated and pure squeezed juices. Thorough knowledge of water diluted products required.

Must be willing to travel.  (여행을 기꺼이해야합니다).

Fluency in Korean is essential.  (한국어 실력이 필수적이다).

Company offers Obamacare voucher.  (회사는 Obamacare의 쿠폰을 제공합니다).

Selected individual must own or buy a recent model Hyundai or Kia.  (선정 된 개인이 소유하거나 최근 모델 현대 나 기아 자동차를 구입해야합니다).

To be considered for this once in a lifetime opportunity send resume with salary requirement to:

오렌지 주스 수출 부문
플로리다 OJ 음료 주식 회사
우편 사서함 666
서울 한국 555 55 55

***

Institute Offers Language Training Program.

The Sardo Institue of Foreign Language Training is offering a speed course in learning to speak, read and write the Korean Language.

The Sardo Institute of Foreign Language Training uses the world famous the Think Method” of learning a foreign language.

Developed by language professors at the Sardo Institute and experts in the science of Thinkology, the Think Method is guaranteed to have you speaking the Korean language in two short weeks.

Yes, in just two short weeks you can be speaking Korean as fluently as a citizen of that rapidly developing Asian country.

Persons who speak Korean are in high demand in today’s tight job market. So anyone who speaks this remarkably easy to learn language using the Think Method developed by The Sardo Institute is guaranteed to find long term employment.

And if you enroll in The Sardo Institute’s Think Method of Learning a Foreign Language right now you will receive a certificate toward learning a second foreign language absolutely free.

Yes, that’s right. Two languages for the price of one.

Better hurry though! This offer won’t last long.

Simply note the languages of choice on your order and send $299.99 plus $5.95 shipping and handling to:

The Sardo Institute of Foreign Language Training
P.O. 666
Pasta Fagioli, Italy 555 5555
Cash only please.

***

Tony Dinks Deng.

Talk about a drop shot heard ’round the world, former British Prime Minister Tony Blair is rumored to have had an affair with social gadfly Wendi Deng.

And exactly who is Wendi Deng?

She is the former wife of media mogul Rupert Murdoch and she fell head over butt for those blue British eyes.  While she was married.  To Rupert Murdoch.

The two are now amicably divorced.

No word on how “amicable” her affair de Blair remains.

BLAIR

The devil is in Tony Blair’s ole blue eyes.

.

Wendi went head over butt
For a guy with a famed British strut.
He was Minister Prime
Who had a great time
Taking Deng from a rut, so tut tut.
.
It was all lovey dovey for sure
For Wendi the Brit had the cure.
They rolled in the hay
On many a day
With allure she gave Tony the tour.
.
Her body of such fine design
Gave the Brit a jolly old time.
He was great in the bed
So she took him and said
I’ll unwed for a time so sublime.
.
With Murdoch she could not endure
A life so starkly obscure.
To Tony she went
Told Rupert get bent
I’m having a marriage detour.
 
https://www.tytnetwork.com/2014/03/02/tony-blair-banged-rupert-murdochs-wife/
 
***
Winners Revealed.
 
breaking
 
We go now to Pasta Fagioli, Italy where a spokesperson for the Nobella Prize Committee is about to announce the winners of the Most Valuable Putz Award.
 
Here is Professor Mangiapasta Bacciagalupe with the winners:
 
“May I have the dumbbell, please”
 
(Professor Bacciagalupe is now unscrewing the top of the dumbbell containing the name of the first winner).
 
And the winner of the Putzie for Best Republican Wactor in a Leading Role is,

Dick Cheney for his part in Accusing the President.”

“The former vice president was unable to attend today’s ceremonies due to the fact that he doesn’t give two shits about anything anymore except maybe starting another war somewhere.”

cheney 2

.

“And now for the next award….May I have the dumbbell please.”

“The winner of the Putzie for the Best Republican Wactress in a Leading Role is

Ann Coulter for her role in Ann Coulter.”

“Ms. Coulter was unable to attend today’s ceremonies due to a previous contractual commitment to make an outrageous statement on Fox News.”

COULTER

.

Losers and honorable mentions receive the Nobella Committee’s Sorta Good Citizen Prize.

the finger

The Sorta Good Citizen Prize.

.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize.

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar which is engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the coveted statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winners supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.

***

Limerick Lunacy.

A woman worked hard to design
A plan for a guy she’d entwine
In matrimonial bliss
So she gave him a kiss
Then soon on a bed she’d recline.
.
A man who taught graphic design 
Once took a smart student to dine. 
He showed her his work
She thought “such a jerk”
But she had a good time on Rhine wine.
.
Stayed up till three playing cards
Had far fewer wins than discards
Enjoyed a good drink
While I stayed in the pink
So late in the morn’ here’s regards.
.
The drink you’ve guessed was not punch
After a few came the crunch
You may think it was Hell
But I slept real well 
Now I’m ready for breakfast and lunch.
 
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