The DC Folly Trolley – 03/02/14

Committee Presents Awards.

The Nobella Prize Committee announced its long-awaited list of whacked out nominees for the Most Valuable Putz award. The prize, symbolized by a statuette called The Putzie, is given to political or media wackos in categories for Best Republican Wactor in a Leading Role and Best Republican Wactress in a Leading Role.

putsie 1

The coveted statuette known throughout the world as The Putzie.

For Best Republican Wactor in a Leading Role the nominees are

Mitch McConnell for his role in Denying Veterans – about voting against an increase in benefits which includes a vote against a jobs program in 2012.

Dick Cheney for his role in Accusing the President – concerning a former vice president who criticizes President Obama for preferring to feed the hungry while reducing military troop levels. The plot involves a VP who said he would rather the president shoot the hungry and increase the number of troops.

Ted Cruz for his role in Shutting Down – about a scheme by a senator to shut down government and then blame his unscrupulous actions on President Obama.

Ted Nugent for his role in Smearing the President – about a washed up singer making outrageously racist remarks and with a penchant for hooking up with young girls.

Greg Abbott, current GOP candidate for governor of the semi-great state of Texas, for Wallowing – in the support from pedophile racist Ted Nugent.

Candidates who received honorable mention were John Boehner, Eric Cantor, Rick Perry, Darrell Issa, Bill Kristol. Sean Hannity, Rush Limboo, Jon Kyl, John McCain, Bob Corker Lindsey Graham , Orrin Hatch. Louie Gohmert, Lawrence Lockman, Steve Martin, Chris Christie, Paul Lepage, Bobby Jindal, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, etc., etc., etc.

For Best Republican Wactress in a Leading Role the nominees are,

Sarah Palin for her role in Sucking Up – about a washed up former VP candidate praising an extremist Ted Nugent and her support for Texas gubernatorial candidate Greg Abbott (Abbott was also nominated for Best Supporting Wactor in Sucking Up).

Ann Coulter for her eponymous role as Ann Coulter.

Michelle Bachmann for her role in Anti-Gay in Arizona – about a washed up politician encouraging Gov. Jan Brewer to sign anti-gay legislation in the Grand Canyon State.

Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley who stars as the governor of South Carolina in Unions Aren’t Welcome Here – about a Southern governor dissing labor unions and gay unions and all other unions not approved by the Union of Fundamentalist Christian Churches.

Jan Brewer for Sticking Her Finger – in the face of the President of the United States.

The names of the winners are kept in a waterproof lockbox located in a sunken pirate ship 150 feet below the surface of the Gulf of Mexico 10 miles east of the Yucatan Peninsula guarded by a detachment of the last remaining veterans of the invasion of Iwo Jima.

The winners of the Most Valuable Putz Award will be announced Sunday, March 3rd or 4th which ever comes first.

***

Help Wanted.

The Korean Free Trade Agreement (better known as 한국어 자유 무역 협정) has created a need for an experienced Orange Juice Salesman (오렌지 주스 세일즈맨).

Company exporting breakfast beverages to Asia is experiencing an increase in demand.

Qualified person must be familiar with pulp and non-pulp varieties and concentrated and pure squeezed juices. Thorough knowledge of water diluted products required.

Must be willing to travel.  (여행을 기꺼이해야합니다).

Fluency in Korean is essential.  (한국어 실력이 필수적이다).

Company offers Obamacare voucher.  (회사는 Obamacare의 쿠폰을 제공합니다).

Selected individual must own or buy a recent model Hyundai or Kia.  (선정 된 개인이 소유하거나 최근 모델 현대 나 기아 자동차를 구입해야합니다).

To be considered for this once in a lifetime opportunity send resume with salary requirement to:

오렌지 주스 수출 부문
플로리다 OJ 음료 주식 회사
우편 사서함 666
서울 한국 555 55 55

***

Institute Offers Language Training Program.

The Sardo Institue of Foreign Language Training is offering a speed course in learning to speak, read and write the Korean Language.

The Sardo Institute of Foreign Language Training uses the world famous the Think Method” of learning a foreign language.

Developed by language professors at the Sardo Institute and experts in the science of Thinkology, the Think Method is guaranteed to have you speaking the Korean language in two short weeks.

Yes, in just two short weeks you can be speaking Korean as fluently as a citizen of that rapidly developing Asian country.

Persons who speak Korean are in high demand in today’s tight job market. So anyone who speaks this remarkably easy to learn language using the Think Method developed by The Sardo Institute is guaranteed to find long term employment.

And if you enroll in The Sardo Institute’s Think Method of Learning a Foreign Language right now you will receive a certificate toward learning a second foreign language absolutely free.

Yes, that’s right. Two languages for the price of one.

Better hurry though! This offer won’t last long.

Simply note the languages of choice on your order and send $299.99 plus $5.95 shipping and handling to:

The Sardo Institute of Foreign Language Training
P.O. 666
Pasta Fagioli, Italy 555 5555
Cash only please.

***

Tony Dinks Deng.

Talk about a drop shot heard ’round the world, former British Prime Minister Tony Blair is rumored to have had an affair with social gadfly Wendi Deng.

And exactly who is Wendi Deng?

She is the former wife of media mogul Rupert Murdoch and she fell head over butt for those blue British eyes.  While she was married.  To Rupert Murdoch.

The two are now amicably divorced.

No word on how “amicable” her affair de Blair remains.

BLAIR

The devil is in Tony Blair’s ole blue eyes.

.

Wendi went head over butt
For a guy with a famed British strut.
He was Minister Prime
Who had a great time
Taking Deng from a rut, so tut tut.
.
It was all lovey dovey for sure
For Wendi the Brit had the cure.
They rolled in the hay
On many a day
With allure she gave Tony the tour.
.
Her body of such fine design
Gave the Brit a jolly old time.
He was great in the bed
So she took him and said
I’ll unwed for a time so sublime.
.
With Murdoch she could not endure
A life so starkly obscure.
To Tony she went
Told Rupert get bent
I’m having a marriage detour.
 
https://www.tytnetwork.com/2014/03/02/tony-blair-banged-rupert-murdochs-wife/
 
***
Winners Revealed.
 
breaking
 
We go now to Pasta Fagioli, Italy where a spokesperson for the Nobella Prize Committee is about to announce the winners of the Most Valuable Putz Award.
 
Here is Professor Mangiapasta Bacciagalupe with the winners:
 
“May I have the dumbbell, please”
 
(Professor Bacciagalupe is now unscrewing the top of the dumbbell containing the name of the first winner).
 
And the winner of the Putzie for Best Republican Wactor in a Leading Role is,

Dick Cheney for his part in Accusing the President.”

“The former vice president was unable to attend today’s ceremonies due to the fact that he doesn’t give two shits about anything anymore except maybe starting another war somewhere.”

cheney 2

.

“And now for the next award….May I have the dumbbell please.”

“The winner of the Putzie for the Best Republican Wactress in a Leading Role is

Ann Coulter for her role in Ann Coulter.”

“Ms. Coulter was unable to attend today’s ceremonies due to a previous contractual commitment to make an outrageous statement on Fox News.”

COULTER

.

Losers and honorable mentions receive the Nobella Committee’s Sorta Good Citizen Prize.

the finger

The Sorta Good Citizen Prize.

.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize.

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar which is engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the coveted statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winners supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.

***

Limerick Lunacy.

A woman worked hard to design
A plan for a guy she’d entwine
In matrimonial bliss
So she gave him a kiss
Then soon on a bed she’d recline.
.
A man who taught graphic design 
Once took a smart student to dine. 
He showed her his work
She thought “such a jerk”
But she had a good time on Rhine wine.
.
Stayed up till three playing cards
Had far fewer wins than discards
Enjoyed a good drink
While I stayed in the pink
So late in the morn’ here’s regards.
.
The drink you’ve guessed was not punch
After a few came the crunch
You may think it was Hell
But I slept real well 
Now I’m ready for breakfast and lunch.
 
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